Jampe

Fanfic Title: Jampe
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Jampe/
Author: A.P.M.
Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 10/10

Interesting title. So, it meant angel? It is cool. I like it very much. :)

Cast: 4/5

This is a fictional story, but I did like the characters in this story. Actually, I will encourage authors to fictional characters because it allows space for imagination. :]

Foreword: 10/10

Thank for including a summary in your forewords. It certainly manages to interest me, wanting to read more because it really sounds interesting. =) Also, the character introduction allows me to know who the main character is.

Poster and Background: 0/10

I’m sorry, but I really can’t give any good grade for this section. The background is really plain. It would help if you include a picture of an… angel? It would be the best if you could request for a poster. Posters, backgrounds or even pictures can help to spice up the webpage, and the mood of the story. Hope you will accept my feedback. =]

Plot: 11/15

Personally, I think that the story flow is smooth. But, as for the organization of ideas, there is room for improvement. I think that it would help if you can end your chapter in the middle of the climax, keeping your reader in suspense. For example, when Jampe is going to be knocked down by another oncoming car, you can end the chapter. That would keep the readers in suspense, and making them wanting to read more. Is that ok? :D

Originality and creativity: 15/15

I would comment this is rarely seen on Winglin, although there are some other authors are writing the same storyline. Personally, I like stories on science fiction - the time dimension. And, the way you choose your cast, Katie, a normal schoolgirl as the main lead, is interesting. Also, the main theme of the story is on friendship, which is rarely seen on winglin as well.

Language (Spelling and Grammar): 7/10

So far, there are only some spelling mistakes, for example, “withing” and “ypu”.

As for grammar, there are some mistakes too. For example, [you idiot you say you weren't going to died]. It should be [you aren’t going to die]. Also, [The wedding was going to be hold in 6 more month], it should be [The wedding is going to be held in 6 more months] instead.

Punctuation wise, you can improve more too. For example, [After a year of Cho and Shin's wedding they recieve something they never expected], it should be [After a year of Cho and Shin’s wedding, they receive something they have never expected.].

Language structure is important too. I think that there seemed to be too many dialogues in the story. Perhaps, you can replace “yep”, “ok” with a nod. Or, you can rephrase your dialogues to make them interesting. For example, [Cho: AH!!!! ... what was that!]. You can rephrase it into [“AH!!! What was that?!” Cho gave a high-pitched scream, which pierced right into my eardrums.]

Also, you must remember to use the Caps appropriately. For example, [the cause was a car accident]. It should be [The cause was a car accident].

Overall, the mistakes aren’t too bad though. Hope you will accept my feedbacks! =D

Overall enjoyment: 16.5/20

I like this story! It was interesting alright. You knew exactly, how to engage the readers in emotions, for example, when Jampe died. The lyrics included did manage to enhance emotions in readers. But, there are some parts which are quite superfluous, and boring, for example, the first chapter, where Jampe’s classmates are asking for her name. Perhaps, you can change it to Cho asking Jampe instead. The two of them are the main leads after all. Still, I like this story! Simple, yet sweet and touching.

Reader friendly: 3.5/5

You did thank the readers! =)

Bonus: 0/3

I’m sorry for not being able to give you the bonus marks. Please remember to link us, Midnight-tree!

Total: 77

Extra comments: It’s a nice story. I like it very much. =DD