Title: Work and relationships don't go well...agree?
Author: Ivory_love
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ivory_love/
Review By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title ~ 3/10
Not good. I can’t really see how things fit into this title, that’s number one. So well… Yes, according to your title, work and relationships don’t go well, I would fully agree, because your title and your story don’t go well. Thing about this title is that maybe it might turn out to be an effective title (in that it might just describe the story), but it’s totally strange. I suspect that there’s a grammatical error somewhere in there, but my mediocre English training can’t put a finger on what’s wrong with that title.
Number two, well… It’s just basically the fact that the title puts a respectable English language reader off, simply but being extremely odd and out of place. It’s overly colloquial, and it’s overly insecure for a fic, and that’s really something that you have to take note off in your future fics. J
Poster & background ~ 7/10
Alright there, the poster is perfectly fine. Wu Chun’s face looks cute, haha. I’d grudge for the fact that the poster doesn’t reflect the feel of the story: it’s neither emotional, nor is it comedic. So it’s a mood problem. As for the text and the background, I’d say kudos to your wonderful solid black background. I’m reviewing this after I’ve read a fic with a garish, distracting background that started to flash at me after chapter 4, so it’s really a welcome change. Text colour suits the poster, good, and it’s not difficult to read it, so that’s really wonderful. Not much of problems here.
Foreword ~ 4/10
This foreword just does not do it for me. I’m no expert at forewords; if you’ve read my fics, they’re all pretty strange. So, I’m open to forewords that just tell me the cast and the title, but they must, MUST be presented properly. This foreword of yours doesn’t show any form of planning before it was written, and it puts the reader off. It’s as if, well, one fine day you decided to write a story, and you just did. So ta-dah! Here’s your story. I’m fine if your fic doesn’t say anything at all about your story, but you’ve at least got to give some identity to it. This one appears to be messy and non-committal. I’ve got a problem with this one.
Upon closer examination…
Plot ~ 9/15
It’s a normal storyline, so I won’t score lowly on this section. BUT it’s also nothing special, so I won’t score highly on this section. Bad news always comes first, so I’ll start with the negative points of this story.
It’s a workplace story, you mentioned (no, you stated explicitly) in your foreword, so we’ve all got some expectations about the story as a whole. My personal expectation was… honestly, not very high. The thing about plots like this is that you either do or die. It either rocks to the heavens, or sucks to the core. Congratulations, because in my dictionary, it’s not bad, but then again, it’s not that good either. So you’ve broken another convention for me but staying in the middle. Your story was the normal clichéd story that was predictable, and I really believe that I’ve seen this plot somewhere in some drama or movie (I believe, Seducing Mr. Perfect starring Daniel Henney has some of its elements), so it’s not something I’d gape and clap at. The storyline is not impressive; it’s not particularly thoughtful in details (Chapter 1: 1600 words in 5 minutes? Goodness.), it’s not wonderful at its descriptions (more on that later), and it really doesn’t score very high on character development.
Then again, your typical storyline does do well on its storytelling. Honestly (cross my heart), I HATE storytelling that appears in the form of a script. Like your story. It doesn’t score well, because it’s so devoid of emotions. But your does deliver. It’s one of the better ones that I’ve experience, so while the plot is forgettable, the storytelling doesn’t put me to sleep, and PLUS, I didn’t skip any chapters. So that’s really a good thing. J
9 for something that doesn’t appear to look good, but turns out alright.
Cast used ~ 4/5
Erm, once again, another Fahrenheit-S.H.E. fic. I don’t mind the pairing, and I don’t mind even more the fact that you don’t have Rainie Yang (like all those other fics) who’s present just so that “everyone’s paired up”. More so the fact that Selina’s not paired up with Jiro in the end. Very good. A point off for a typical coupling of Chunella and Arron-Hebe, but otherwise, nothing major here.
Language (Spelling and Grammar) ~ 8/10
I believe that’s the highest I’ve ever given to a person for language. J I’m so prissy, it’s unbelievable. You score highly here because my sensitivities did not pick up any form of spelling nor grammatical error here, even if your fic turned out in the form of a script. Two things to note here though. Firstly, keep you tone foreign. I know this sounds strange and elitist, but it sounds even stranger to detect a colloquial tone in your fic, more so since your fic is mostly conversation only. Keep your language and tone formal and in Standard English, it’s a clincher.
Secondly, I’m suggesting (just suggesting, not forcing!J) that you use the narrative format from now on. You have a pretty good command of the language, so why not have something that is more descriptive and interesting? The *insertemotionhere* are potentials for good, emotional descriptions that could further the plot and the development of your characters.
Reader friendly ~ 5/5
Good, very good here, responding to everyone who dropped a comment and/or queries. I’d give you a six for being nice to reviewers, but I can’t!
Overall feel… So far.
Originality & Creativity~ 7/15
Alright. This didn’t impress me on its creativity, and more so because it failed to stand out amongst all the fics. Let’s face it, everyone out there writing fics has a pretty standard storyline. There are a few that are different, but the rest are about just the same thing (love stories only go so far), I’m not going to penalise for anything like that. In such a case, it’s really the language and the development of characters that stand out, and yours, frankly speaking, really doesn’t do that. On a more emotional basis, this doesn’t reflect the internal turmoil of your characters. Ella’s fear of meeting Chun after so many years, Hebe’s apprehension of loving another person ever after she has accepted Chun, Arron’s torn love for Hebe… It’s a plot that’s very developmental heavy, and you couldn’t really bring it out.
The only saving grace is the bit where the guys get mad at Jiro for being mean to Hebe, but even that... It doesn’t provide reason why they are so suddenly protective of a girl who’s just a normal office worker of theirs. Creativity flies out of the window for this one.
Overall enjoyment ~ 13/20
13 is a normal score. It’s not special, it just merely passes. In the lack of creativity and originality for the storyline and the characters, this one scores on the fact that it is simply good at storytelling. Excellent work here; I was really surprised at how I wasn’t nitpicking at the language and actually reading it for the storyline for once. It’s readable, pretty enjoyable, yes, but not brilliant. It’s an early morning bus ride to school, but not a journey to England and back. Not phenomenal, but it’s a pleasant read overall. J
Bonus mark!
Linking back to us: 0/3
Total: 60/100
Additional Remarks (If you have any): I’ve read the reviews on your fic, and they’ve given some good reviews of it. This one, in comparison, is nothing to yell about. But two things. Firstly, I’m not trying to prove anything by giving an ordinary mark. I’m not trying to say that the fic is at my discretion and I can flame it in anyway I want just because I’m the reviewer and I’m superior. I really just want to give it the best and the most balanced review that I can possibly manage, and well, this is it. I hope you take no offence for this one (and post it, because I’ve tried my best to write a good review). Secondly, I’m a big meanie and a very strict reviewer (ask any of the Midnight Tree people, or those who’s fics I’ve reviewed). I don’t think I’ve given anything higher than a 73, and so… the result isn’t bad!
Once again, no offence and peaceout! Hoping to hear more from you as well.
Author: Ivory_love
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ivory_love/
Review By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title ~ 3/10
Not good. I can’t really see how things fit into this title, that’s number one. So well… Yes, according to your title, work and relationships don’t go well, I would fully agree, because your title and your story don’t go well. Thing about this title is that maybe it might turn out to be an effective title (in that it might just describe the story), but it’s totally strange. I suspect that there’s a grammatical error somewhere in there, but my mediocre English training can’t put a finger on what’s wrong with that title.
Number two, well… It’s just basically the fact that the title puts a respectable English language reader off, simply but being extremely odd and out of place. It’s overly colloquial, and it’s overly insecure for a fic, and that’s really something that you have to take note off in your future fics. J
Poster & background ~ 7/10
Alright there, the poster is perfectly fine. Wu Chun’s face looks cute, haha. I’d grudge for the fact that the poster doesn’t reflect the feel of the story: it’s neither emotional, nor is it comedic. So it’s a mood problem. As for the text and the background, I’d say kudos to your wonderful solid black background. I’m reviewing this after I’ve read a fic with a garish, distracting background that started to flash at me after chapter 4, so it’s really a welcome change. Text colour suits the poster, good, and it’s not difficult to read it, so that’s really wonderful. Not much of problems here.
Foreword ~ 4/10
This foreword just does not do it for me. I’m no expert at forewords; if you’ve read my fics, they’re all pretty strange. So, I’m open to forewords that just tell me the cast and the title, but they must, MUST be presented properly. This foreword of yours doesn’t show any form of planning before it was written, and it puts the reader off. It’s as if, well, one fine day you decided to write a story, and you just did. So ta-dah! Here’s your story. I’m fine if your fic doesn’t say anything at all about your story, but you’ve at least got to give some identity to it. This one appears to be messy and non-committal. I’ve got a problem with this one.
Upon closer examination…
Plot ~ 9/15
It’s a normal storyline, so I won’t score lowly on this section. BUT it’s also nothing special, so I won’t score highly on this section. Bad news always comes first, so I’ll start with the negative points of this story.
It’s a workplace story, you mentioned (no, you stated explicitly) in your foreword, so we’ve all got some expectations about the story as a whole. My personal expectation was… honestly, not very high. The thing about plots like this is that you either do or die. It either rocks to the heavens, or sucks to the core. Congratulations, because in my dictionary, it’s not bad, but then again, it’s not that good either. So you’ve broken another convention for me but staying in the middle. Your story was the normal clichéd story that was predictable, and I really believe that I’ve seen this plot somewhere in some drama or movie (I believe, Seducing Mr. Perfect starring Daniel Henney has some of its elements), so it’s not something I’d gape and clap at. The storyline is not impressive; it’s not particularly thoughtful in details (Chapter 1: 1600 words in 5 minutes? Goodness.), it’s not wonderful at its descriptions (more on that later), and it really doesn’t score very high on character development.
Then again, your typical storyline does do well on its storytelling. Honestly (cross my heart), I HATE storytelling that appears in the form of a script. Like your story. It doesn’t score well, because it’s so devoid of emotions. But your does deliver. It’s one of the better ones that I’ve experience, so while the plot is forgettable, the storytelling doesn’t put me to sleep, and PLUS, I didn’t skip any chapters. So that’s really a good thing. J
9 for something that doesn’t appear to look good, but turns out alright.
Cast used ~ 4/5
Erm, once again, another Fahrenheit-S.H.E. fic. I don’t mind the pairing, and I don’t mind even more the fact that you don’t have Rainie Yang (like all those other fics) who’s present just so that “everyone’s paired up”. More so the fact that Selina’s not paired up with Jiro in the end. Very good. A point off for a typical coupling of Chunella and Arron-Hebe, but otherwise, nothing major here.
Language (Spelling and Grammar) ~ 8/10
I believe that’s the highest I’ve ever given to a person for language. J I’m so prissy, it’s unbelievable. You score highly here because my sensitivities did not pick up any form of spelling nor grammatical error here, even if your fic turned out in the form of a script. Two things to note here though. Firstly, keep you tone foreign. I know this sounds strange and elitist, but it sounds even stranger to detect a colloquial tone in your fic, more so since your fic is mostly conversation only. Keep your language and tone formal and in Standard English, it’s a clincher.
Secondly, I’m suggesting (just suggesting, not forcing!J) that you use the narrative format from now on. You have a pretty good command of the language, so why not have something that is more descriptive and interesting? The *insertemotionhere* are potentials for good, emotional descriptions that could further the plot and the development of your characters.
Reader friendly ~ 5/5
Good, very good here, responding to everyone who dropped a comment and/or queries. I’d give you a six for being nice to reviewers, but I can’t!
Overall feel… So far.
Originality & Creativity~ 7/15
Alright. This didn’t impress me on its creativity, and more so because it failed to stand out amongst all the fics. Let’s face it, everyone out there writing fics has a pretty standard storyline. There are a few that are different, but the rest are about just the same thing (love stories only go so far), I’m not going to penalise for anything like that. In such a case, it’s really the language and the development of characters that stand out, and yours, frankly speaking, really doesn’t do that. On a more emotional basis, this doesn’t reflect the internal turmoil of your characters. Ella’s fear of meeting Chun after so many years, Hebe’s apprehension of loving another person ever after she has accepted Chun, Arron’s torn love for Hebe… It’s a plot that’s very developmental heavy, and you couldn’t really bring it out.
The only saving grace is the bit where the guys get mad at Jiro for being mean to Hebe, but even that... It doesn’t provide reason why they are so suddenly protective of a girl who’s just a normal office worker of theirs. Creativity flies out of the window for this one.
Overall enjoyment ~ 13/20
13 is a normal score. It’s not special, it just merely passes. In the lack of creativity and originality for the storyline and the characters, this one scores on the fact that it is simply good at storytelling. Excellent work here; I was really surprised at how I wasn’t nitpicking at the language and actually reading it for the storyline for once. It’s readable, pretty enjoyable, yes, but not brilliant. It’s an early morning bus ride to school, but not a journey to England and back. Not phenomenal, but it’s a pleasant read overall. J
Bonus mark!
Linking back to us: 0/3
Total: 60/100
Additional Remarks (If you have any): I’ve read the reviews on your fic, and they’ve given some good reviews of it. This one, in comparison, is nothing to yell about. But two things. Firstly, I’m not trying to prove anything by giving an ordinary mark. I’m not trying to say that the fic is at my discretion and I can flame it in anyway I want just because I’m the reviewer and I’m superior. I really just want to give it the best and the most balanced review that I can possibly manage, and well, this is it. I hope you take no offence for this one (and post it, because I’ve tried my best to write a good review). Secondly, I’m a big meanie and a very strict reviewer (ask any of the Midnight Tree people, or those who’s fics I’ve reviewed). I don’t think I’ve given anything higher than a 73, and so… the result isn’t bad!
Once again, no offence and peaceout! Hoping to hear more from you as well.
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