A Penny For Your Thoughts [ M-T Challenge ]

Title: A Penny for Your Thoughts [M-T Challenge]
Author: Sushi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/A_P_F_Y_T/
Reviewed By: v

Title: - /10
Section removed.

Poster & Background: 7/10
Poster was very well done. It brings out a nostalgic feeling to the reader. Typically, the main colours of maudlin-related fan fiction posters are black, brown or grey. But this was different. The colour choice is very refreshing to me.

Forewords: 8/10
It’s a very sweet ending in the forewords. Faced with many frustrated thoughts and problems, the girl was able to so easily bring him out of his misery (temporarily). I’ve never thought of the title this way – an actual penny for one’s thoughts. Very well done, I must say. The sentence was a truly tempting and made me read on.

Cast Used: 4/5
Out of the few characters featured in the story, Kin Jung Hoog and Jung Da Bin are the only main characters, so I am going to focus on them. Kim Jung Hoog has this sad expression on his face, despite the weak smile on his face, in the poster. The story brings out the unsaid frustration he have had for the past several years, and also how hard he tries to be strong for his family; that made the Kim Jung Hoon in the poster suitable for the character in the story.

I’ve always liked Jung Da Bin, especially after watching Wonderful Life. The big round eyes she has makes her incredibly cute and innocent-looking. It is quite an appropriate decision-making here!

Originality & Creativity: 12/15
Unlike the typical love stories Winglin contains, this one has almost nothing to do with the characters being romantically in love. This story brings out the intelligence a kid, despite being very young, possesses.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
Short story has to have a plot with humongous impact, so as to let the readers remember the story over time despite having only a couple of chapters. It is not easy, but I reckon you have done so, through the conversations between Kim Jung Hoon and Jung Da Bin.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I haven’t really spotted any grammar mistakes, yet.
Great job there!

Flow Of Story: 7/10
The flow was okay, but because of the few flashbacks, it got me a little confused as to whether I’m reading the flashbacks or the current on-going conversations between Jung Hoon and Da Bin. But other than that, everything else is fine (:

Writing Style: 4/5
I do like your writing style, it describes the characters’ surroundings, depicting the story and at the same time allowing my mind to picture the scenes. Well done!

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I like the ending part,

"Hey! What's your name again?"

The girl turned around and faced him, raising an eyebrow. "Have you forgotten? It's Da Bin,"

There’s this indescribable feeling. It’s like, DA Bin’s going away, leaving Jung Hoon with nothing but memories of their conversations and her name. It’s kind of sad.

Bonus marks: 4/5
The bonus marks is for a chapter expressing your gratitude to your readers and heh, for me to make up for the very-very-very late review.

Total marks: 73/90 (81%)


Addtional comments:
I am terribly sorry for the disgustingly-late review. The review came and then I went hiatus because of the project assignments I had on hand, I had five. After the projects ended, my final examinations started -.-

Anyways, good luck with your future fan fictions…!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

I Wish You Didn’t

Title: I Wish You Didn’t

Author: Jenny

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/xoxlilpunkxox/

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I don’t think your title would be interesting enough to attract my attention if I’m a reader scrolling down the Winglin website. This will pose as a big threat to your story because your story wouldn’t stand out enough from the others.
A more interesting title please. That’s all I could offer.

Poster&Background: 3/10

I have always encouraged authors to do their own posters because they are the ones who know the story best. Yes, I can see your efforts in doing your poster. I appreciate it. However, I have some little comments for you. Some of the pictures are out of place and the sizes of the pictures are wrong. And, you should use a smaller brush. Last of all, a better combination of colours could be used.
Try to go for more Photoshop tutorials online. I’m sure you will make a great designer too.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a professional designer so you might not agree with some of the comments I offer. Those comments are not meant to be disparaging, but just some honest opinions in my point of view.

Foreword: 4/10

This is really bad. The summary you have there reveals all. Now you have taken away what which has a great potential to create an air of suspense. You should have written the prologue in one of the protagonists’ one of view, perhaps, Horikita Maki, when she found out the horrifying fact that she has to live with four heartthrobs. Also, the character introduction seems quite useless. You should characterize those protagonists through your writing. “Show” not “tell”.

Cast Used: 3/5

Yes, I like them.
However, there is not much characterization done.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

There is not climax at all. You’re just telling a boring life story of them. You should pick on more important scenes to place emphasis on the creativity you could have used here. Anyway the storyline is similar to Hana Kimi, which I found it to be quite boring. Blending into a school as a normal student when the protagonist is a very popular artiste would have been interesting before Hana Kimi, but after it.
Let me just offer you some tips (I think they should be quite of helpful to you.)

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.

Story & Plotting: 8/15

Okay, you passed this because I can see the attempts you have made, trying to create a little suspense at the end of every chapter. Keep it up, for it is really important to leave your readers hanging. Only then, they will want to read more! However, more should be done. Remember, winglin is a fanfiction site which requires readers to update their stories. You must be able to sustain the interest in readers long enough, if not you will lose your readers.
And, shorter chapters please. You tend to get too naggy sometimes.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

Correct your mistakes please. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
And, you can improve on your descriptions. It would definitely be better if you could “show” instead of “telling” the story. A wider gamut of vocabulary would be helpful.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10

Sometimes I got quite irritated by the inconsistent flow of story. It could be really naggy at sometimes! Remember, remove the superfluous parts and focus on the important ones!

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I can see a consistent writing style throughout the story. However, it is not unique, which you call it yours. It requires more writing to develop one.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the first half of the story because I found the story to be cute and hilarious, especially scenes with Toma in it. However, for the later parts of the story, I lost my patience. It got naggy. In fact, I just skimmed through some of the chapters, without devouring every word carefully.

Bonus marks: 5/5

That’s for encouragement purpose. You deserve them because I believed you have worked hard for your story. However, you will need to work harder still.

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: Firstly, please accept my apologies for this really late review. I know I have taken a really long time to process. I’m sorry because I was very busy. Hope you can understand. Secondly, with regards with this piece review, I bet you would have quite a few questions for me. If there’s any enquiries, you may contact me via the site’ tagboard, or midnight-tree email if you would prefer that. I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Good luck and work hard for your sequel!

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
-

雨天的好朋友

Title: 雨天的好朋友

Author: 泡泡

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/paopao

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6.5/10

这故事的名称挺可爱的，给我一种很甜蜜的感觉，但还是不够吸引人。你在这方面需要多下苦功，因为一个不吸引人的故事名称是很吃亏的。你会因此失去很多读者。

Poster & Background: 8.5/10

还不错。也很可爱呢，尤其是右上角的图案。
但是，需要注意的是，background的眼色与故事情节，情调很不搭。或许，你可以试浅粉红色。还有，有些字体的颜色，例如白色，也很不适合。

Foreword: 0/10

根本不及格。
那么短的人物介绍并不足以让读者对你的故事产生兴趣。你应该通过故事勾画出人物的性格，而不是直截了当地把各个人物的优缺点说出来。
我建议你以故事的开始作为故事的序。这能有效地吸引读者读下去。

Cast Used: 2/5

普普通通。还算过得去。
不就是常常被凑在一起的人物吗？

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

由于故事情节非常老掉牙，我根本就可以摸索出故事发展的方向，尤其是男朋友的父亲将和自己的单身母亲结婚。这真的是太巧了啊！就只差没写他们俩是兄妹嘛。这是非常危险的，因为一旦读者已料到故事的发展，他们将对你的故事失去兴趣。而且，这整个故事只有一个高潮，显得太平淡了。

Story & Plotting: 7/15

故事情节的安排有待进步。每一场的结尾应该设计一个小小的高潮，让读者有兴趣读下去。

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

由于是剧本的关系，所以并不强烈要求语言的雕饰。以故事的流利度作为考量，算是挺不错的。不过，有些错字和语病。

Flow Of Story: 6/10

这真令人头疼啊。故事的情节发展有些太快了。例如说，语航和克淳的爱情发生得太快了。故事情节的发展速度令人感到有些不舒服，甚至会认为你是在赶。

Writing Style: 4/5

说真的，剧本的效果真的令我感到有些意外。短短的几个句子，也有出乎意料的效果－把画面形容的淋漓尽致，有如观看电影般。挺不错的。

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10

老实说，我不怎么喜欢这故事因为故事情节太老掉牙了。此外，每一个chapter也太短了，无法满足我的需要。应该再长一些。

Bonus marks: 2/5

期待更多更有趣的剧本。

Total mark: 52/100
 
Additional comments: 若你有疑问，请尽管提出。我会尽快恢复的。
 
Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
-

No Escape

Title: No Escape
Author: Lixiangqingren
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/noescape/
Reviewed by: WZ (Joa)

>> Title = 8/10

The title sounds pretty good but I don’t find it very alluring. It gives a very familiar ring in my ears.

>> Cast = 3.5/5

Since you have used fictional characters, I can’t say anything about celebrity portrayal. However, the characteristics that you have made up can be judged. Since your story is an one shot, the only character development for the Princess is fear. The other guy…was disgusting. I loved this line though:

“she could almost hear his lips curve up into a smirk”

>> Foreword = 7/10

Please, PLEASE don’t put credits at the beginning of your forewords. You are urging your readers to follow that link first before your story. It’s brief (seeing as your story IS a one shot) but not that intriguing. Other than that…your forewords was very simple and clean.

>> Poster & Background = 8/10

The appearance of your story is actually a relief for me. It was easy to read and the poster was nice, save for the er…“scribbles” and the black splatters on the girl’s face.

>> Plot = 12/15

So she was a princess who would inherit the throne and he wanted to get rid of her to take the crown for himself. I see I see. Sorry, to unoriginal. Plus, there wasn’t much development. Just…chase, hope, crush, stab, death.

>> Originality & Creativity = 10 /15

I’ve seen far too many of this style among books I’ve read in different languages and backgrounds. I had hoped you’d be adding your own little twist to the tragedy when I read “the light was coming closer, she was almost there.”

>> Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

I didn’t catch major mistakes. Good job.

>> Overall enjoyment = 15/20

Not my favourite story. Sorry.

>> Reader Friendly = 3/5

Did you ever reply to those comments?

>> Bonus Marks
Link Back to Us: 0/3

Total: (I need a calculator) 74. 5 / 100

(A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)

Warning: Very bad review ahead. Approach with caution.

Title: (A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)
Author: y.e.a.
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/once_upon/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 2/10
First impression: have I come to the wrong place? Is this MSN messenger?

Seriously, what’s with all the brackets? And what’s with the emphasis on the NEVER? You know, the latter question is that one that really gets me, because I haven’t really found an answer to it. I can understand what it means to beautify the title and stuff, but what IS it with the emphasis on ‘never’? It gets me worried, because after the first chapter, I was convinced that it would really NEVER end. NEVER.

The title also set off a series of chain reactions in my brain, going something along the lines of a Lambchop classic. Which honestly, all I want is to turn you into lambchop after this whole reaction began. If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, there’s always good, ‘ole Youtube.

And as you have already found out for yourself, this is (a) (review) (you) (hoped) (you) (had) (NEVER) (requested).

Poster and Background: 6/10
Points for a poster that’s well done, but unfortunately the colour of the background gets me. If a lighter shade were to be used, then the effect might have been better. This current one makes the poster stand out like a torch light in a dark room, which really, isn’t really the effect I think you might have wanted to achieve.

The font colours come upon as jarring on the eyes, and I had to turn down the brightness on both computer monitors in order to read comfortably.

Try to remember. You’re trying to make an impression by your story and your language, not the fact that your fic is a well known light bulb.

Foreword: 0/10
I have no qualms about giving 0 for this section simply because I think you deserve it. I’m being nice here, lumping both official and unofficial forewords (that’s how it’s spelt: foreword, foreword, foreword. Forward is the direction you should be going.) To put this all simply, let’s use a script form that you’re so fond of.

Mistake 1: Telling the readers that this fic might be boring. *Attention span wavers slightly*

Mistake 2: Having this TVB-esque beginning in your so-called official foreword, which really, made me switch off by the time I got midway of this… Thing. The word for it is shapeless. Another word for it would be… Irrelevant. Or overly dramatic. To the point that it’s become hair-raising.

In short, it’s just nonsense. *switches off*

Mistake three: You introduction of characters is really a classic case of what should be done to allow readers to tune out before they hit the main plot. Your plot might be the most intricate, wonderful plot in the universe, but with this sort of character introduction, it becomes nothing short of the very definition of “terrible”.

Mistake four: Writing an ancient piece in English a la the Forbidden Kingdom (a.k.a. the Jackie Chan show off vehicle).

Mistake five: It’s just funny. Very funny. Hilarious. And that’s only good if this was meant to be a comedy.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 2/5
I applaud your interesting use of the cast. I also applaud your bravery in using an original character. I applaud your bravery in constructing such… memorable characters.

I’m being nice.

Or am I?

I mean, look, seriously. Who are these people? What are they doing? I see nothing but blank empty characters flying around, making clowns of themselves most of the time. I know that much of the inspiration comes from idol dramas and the like (and this one being especially reminiscent of a TVB serial), but this is writing. We don’t see the characters appear before us physically, and that cuts the drama and the caricature that they were supposed to be.

So sweetheart, write. Don’t draw. This is writing, you can’t draw with words as scant as yours, much less create convincingly human characters. You’re looking for characters, not clowns.

Story and Plotting: 2/15
Two. Let me explain.

Numero Uno. I don’t know what’s going on most of the time. And I know it’s not because I’m dumb. I’m not dumb; you’re confusing.

Duo. The plot moves so sllooooowlllyyy that I feel like I’m really reading a never ending tale. NEVER ending (emphasis not mine).

Tres. I applaud your use of translations, especially with the wonderfully, specific and accurate English translations of what is supposedly Chinese martial art strokes. The thing is, as I’ve said many times before, language is a form of communication, and I really don’t know what’s the point of using “SILVER FIST” when you can write something considerably more vivid a la “Jiro threw a punch at his attacker.” Or simply, in classic script style – Jiro: *punches hard*
Attacker: *nose bleeds*
Me: *sigh*

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 1/10
Let me recount to you how you lost the marks. Mark by mark.

At 10, your sticky caps on the contents page for the chapter titles got me. And then there were 8.
At 8, your excellent, but otherwise really useless and ineffective translations of certain martial art strokes that have long gone missing got me. And then there were 7.
At 7, your colloquial language like “yah” and “his self” (it should be himself) got me. And then there were 5.
At 5, your bad grammar like your mixing of past and present tenses got me. And then there were 4.
At 4, your overdose of CAPITAL LETTERS really, really got me. And then there were 2.
At 2, your use of diction put together (that means, incoherent sentences, unnecessary words, etc.) got me. And then there was 1.

Notice how the math flows? Not well? Hmmm… Oh well, I didn’t say I could do math, the same way as you didn’t say you could do English.

Flow of Story: 3/10
It doesn’t flow well. It flows too slowly, and I wish I could’ve ended it in a jiffy. And when anything is in script form, it just doesn’t flow, at all.

Look at it this way. It’s not the water over rocks that matters, because when water flows over rocks, it still maintains its fluidity. But when sand flows over rocks… It doesn’t flow. It gets stuck, and it becomes more rock over the years.

Your fic wasn’t water, neither was it fine sand. It was solidified rock.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
Not too bad, at least you were consistent, although it wasn’t consistently good.

I really advise against the whole script form thing. Really.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 3/15
I rolled a die and ended up at 3.

To you, that might spell how unprofessional, how insincere I am at writing this review, but to me, it doesn’t make a difference. Anything below 6 would’ve done the trick.

I’ve seen this plot somewhere, but if you had managed to work it well, then I wouldn’t have been so prissy about the whole clichéd or not thing. Problem is, you didn’t.

Creativity comes in two parts: plot, and style. If you weren’t creative on your plot, having pulled it from some Charmaine Sheh TVB drama, or some Nicholas Sparks novel out there, then you have to work on your style. But you weren’t even relatively coherent, not to mention if you could work out something to bring out the essence of what you were trying to bring out.

Plot: TVB drama.
Style: Taiwanese idol drama’s comedy mixed with sappiness.
Overall: Rubbish.

And notice, none of that is even original.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10
I read maybe… 3 chapters of the lot? Or rather, I read every chapter, but I could have written the whole story within 3 chapters. Everything was wrong about this. Everything.

And by the way, you said it’s written in script form because it’s “ancient times”? I see no logic in that. Explain to me, please. I think it was more due to laziness than anything. And if you doubt that a period drama could be done in prose, then read more Louis Cha. It’s Chinese, but then again, you might fare better in another language other than English.

Bonus marks: 1/5
Responding to readers: 1
Linking to MT: 0
X-factor: 0

Total mark: 22.5/100

Additional Comments: I warned that I was strict, and sarcastic. And I offend, yes. It might be intentional, or otherwise, but why care? If this is the wake up call necessary for you to write better fics, then please, wake up already. Lambchop’s calling.

If not, I really (don’t) (EVER) (want) (to) (review) (your) (fics) (anymore).

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

To Love and To Cherish

Title: To Love and To Cherish

Author: JiShin

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/jishin8

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6.5/10

The title is sweet. However, it’s such a pity it lacks of an element of surprise, failing to interest me. To be frank, I don’t think it will be able catch my attention while I’m scrolling down the Winglin webpage, except for the fact your story is featuring TVXQ. This is an okay title for your story, but definitely not the best, if you want to interest more readers.

Poster & Background: 7/10

This poster is considered nice, for an author who does not design for her profession. I’m not a professional designer either, but what I can offer is feedbacks from a reader’s point of view. Overall, I do like the texts, the colour, the mood and all; however, I do not like your pictures. The quality of the pictures is low, causing the poster to look blur. It’s such a pity.
I have always encouraged authors to do their posters if they have the Photoshop software. I hope you can continue to keep up the good work.

Foreword: 2/10

You would have scored 0 marks for the fact you did not include a prologue of any sort, but I decided to give you 1 mark, for the fact that you managed to interest me with the mention of your casts.
It would be better if you could include a small introduction. Yes, it is hard because your story consist a collection of one-shots. Another 1 mark goes to the fact that you have an advantage less than other authors, whose stories are one-shots. Preferably, you can do a small prologue on for example, “Love”, and interest readers to read on to find out how TVXQ is going to explore “Love”.

Cast Used: 5/5

I’m definitely anticipating, because I’m a huge fan of TVXQ. =)
Taking into account that you story is one-shot, thus at disadvantage, being unable to give stronger characterisation, I think you have already done an excellent job on the characterisation of the protagonists.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15

No doubt, there are many elements of surprises here and there, especially Narcissus, which I find them intriguing. I’m really glad that you dare to challenge bold ideas.
Good job. Continue to keep it up.

Story & Plotting: 13/15

Taking into account that all the one-shots were given a limited space for plot development, thus I concluded that you have really done an excellent job for each and every one-shot. And, I love how you arrange your ideas. All ideas are neatly organised and planned.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 9/10

I’m really impressed by the wide gamut of vocabulary you have used. The way you play with words was impressive too. Keep it up!

However, there are quite a few mistakes in your paragraphing of dialogues.
Okay, let’s get a bit technical with language. You tend to include more than one dialogue into a paragraph, which is a big No-No. Presentations of this ilk is confusing. Furthermore, you will only bore your readers. For example: “SeoEun ah!” YooChun’s delighted gush gashed in and chopped off JaeJoong’s sentence midway as he ran in and chortled blithely at her. “Have you been waiting for long? I’m sorry, we were chatting with some dancers outside! The three of them are still there and I thought I’d sneak back to meet you first!” His attention shifted to JaeJoong briefly and he prodded the older man on the shoulder. “Ya Hyung! Why did you walk off so soon?”

Sample: “SeoEun ah!” YooChun’s delighted gush gashed in and chopped off JaeJoong’s sentence midway as he ran in and chortled blithely at her, “Have you been waiting for long? I’m sorry, we were chatting with some dancers outside! The three of them are still there and I thought I’d sneak back to meet you first!”
His attention shifted to JaeJoong briefly and he prodded the older man on the shoulder. “Ya Hyung! Why did you walk off so soon?”

Another thing is, I would suggest to you to re-paragraph certain paragraphs to achieve an certain impact on your readers successfully, what the technique of repetition used is supposed to achieve. For example, “I’m sorry I could never be there again to tuck you in bed and kiss you goodnight. I’m sorry I could never be the one to taste your pancakes and hash browns again and tell you how marvellous they are. I’m sorry I could never decorate our Christmas tree with you again and waltz away in the carol of the bells. I’m sorry I could never huddle before the fireplace with you again when snow falls; I’m sorry I could never strum your favourite piece on the guitar for you again out in the sun. I’m sorry I could never look into your eyes again and tell you how much I love you, but please know I do, I always do, and always will.”

Sample:
I’m sorry I could never be there again to tuck you in bed and kiss you goodnight.
I’m sorry I could never be the one to taste your pancakes and hash browns again and tell you how marvellous they are.
I’m sorry I could never decorate our Christmas tree with you again and waltz away in the carol of the bells.
I’m sorry I could never huddle before the fireplace with you again when snow falls;
I’m sorry I could never strum your favourite piece on the guitar for you again out in the sun.
I’m sorry I could never look into your eyes again and tell you how much I love you, but please know I do, I always do, and always will.”

Flow Of Story: 9/10

The flow of the story for each one-shot is smooth and well-planned.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Due to the fact that this fanfiction is a collection of one-shots, I can see that you attempt a different writing style for each one-shot. You did manage to create quite a unique writing style, unmistakably from the way you play with words.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I have really enjoyed this fanfiction very, very much. For most of the one-shots, perplexed feelings that were aroused in me was indescribable. I could not really differentiate between melancholy or pity I felt for the protagonists. Beneath the words, I seemed to have felt a deeper feeling than I should have gained from the superficial meaning. Wonderful story.

Bonus marks: 5/5

2 marks for the efforts put in for each and every awesome one-shot.
1 mark for replying your readers.
2 marks for the immense enjoyment you have given me.

Total mark: 80/100

Additional comments: A

nother wonderful story! Thank you so much for your request. I have found myself another fanfiction to look forward to. =)
P.S. I’m very sorry for having taken such a long time to finish your request. Hope you will like your review. :)

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr

You Still Have Me

Title: You Still Have Me

Author: halky

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/halky4/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 9.5/10

‘You Still Have Me’ is a nice title for your story. It’s romantic and pin points the main idea of the story as well as the genre.

Poster and Background: 7/10

The colours you’ve chosen are very soft and light; nice and easy on the eyes. However, the pictures in the background are not washed out enough. Every time I reached the centre of the page, I get distracted by the pictures. Although the font is ‘just’ dark enough to read over it, it’s still hard because of Hebe’s dark and attention-grabbing hair.
I’m puzzled over the pictures in the poster. You’ve added in a flower and what seems to be a bridge? Strange, I don’t remember them being in the story. Although it makes the poster pretty, try to make it link to the story.

Foreword: 7/10

Your foreword is cute. Right away from the words they said and how they acted, I knew their age range, their relationship and a little bit of their personality. You didn’t need to list it out like a profile which is even better! However, it doesn’t seem to be a lead to the story as it is part of the story. Even though it introduces the characters, there is no introduction to the story. All you’ve given is that Arron likes Hebe and she is blind towards his feelings. Maybe say that Hebe usually gets played a lot and how Arron has to save her every time.

Cast Used: 3/5

Each character’s role is carried out quite consistently. Hebe is a girl who looks for any possibility of love that is thrown at her. They way you’ve written it, the time frame is probably one week every indent? This makes her sound like the ‘easy’ sort of girl who would agree to everything the guy asks of her. I didn’t think that this is the type of girl you’re trying to portray. You’re trying to make her seem like an innocent victim that’s been toyed around by love, right? The way she was so depressed every time they dumped her would have worked, but how simple it was for Arron to cheer her up makes me wonder if she was that depressed after all. Especially when she moved from one guy to the next so often as well, really shows how easily she can just forget the one she had previously been heart broken for.
Arron has a stubborn, distant and proud personality. He was too proud to express his love for Hebe and even commented Lee Wei as ‘lucky’ to be able to confess to her. I like his character better than Hebe’s. He is stronger willed and determined in his goal in making Hebe happy, rather than Hebe where her heart can be healed with just a cup of guan dong zhu.

Originality and Creativity: 4/15

I wouldn’t say that this is creative. It’s just the story of a guy rescuing his love every time she gets into trouble over and over and over. From the start I knew the ending and from the fourth indent I knew how the story was going to go. I wasn’t surprised or wowed when I reached the end. It was just a typical fairy tale ending.

Story and Plotting: 10/15
Your plotting was consistent throughout, with Hebe getting a new boyfriend and then getting comforted by Arron. It was like a cycle. Two things that really seemed out of the blue in your story were the pads and the kiss at the end. The pads were weird. I just laughed and thought what the heck? when I read that part. It really knocked the romantic feeling out the window. There are other ways to have Arron be read as a thoughtful guy and to stick him with something more, cooler? Magic tricks have always been thought of as a way to cheer up girls. Pulling out a rose from behind her ear is much more romantic than pads!
The tongue action at the end is highly inappropriate. Light hearted romance does not call for such a description. Describe how they felt instead if you’re looking for something to fill in the gap. Actually, that would have been much better. Describe clearly how happy Arron felt to have confessed and how shocked yet touched Hebe felt.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10

The word ‘hardly’ is not an adverb for hard. It means, only just. You’ve used ‘hardly’ incorrectly for a lot of sentences so I didn’t think it was an accident.
There were some sentences that were poorly structured. One of the many that I picked up was:

Then she looked up at the disappearing figure, than more tears came out from her eyes
*When she looked up at the disappearing figure, more tears came out of her eyes

The use of than and then in the same sentence should be avoided. When there was a then in the previous sentence, try not to use it again in the following. Makes it look dodgy.

There were also sentences that Arron said that didn’t make sense. I assumed that it was because he was in a fit of rage to have rambled on about gibberish.

THAT FREAKING GUY IS SO LUCKY THAT HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN! WHY DON’T YOU CHOOSE ME INSTEAD?

Why is he lucky to hurt her? And had he hurt her before? Like I said, Arron’s talking in gibberish.

Remember to edit your work. Read it out loud to see if it makes sense or not. It’s the little silly mistakes that cost you your whole meaning of the sentence.

Flow of Story: 9/10

Nothing seemed out of the blue. Everything was constant.

Writing Style: 3/5

I think, from what I’ve said about your creativity, if you put in a twist at the end it would be much better. Right now, you’ve written a plain basic story. For the finishing touches, it would be better to add a climax to the story, put in a twist, something that would make your story memorable.
Also, I don’t think you’ve gone into much depth with the emotional side. When dealing with romance, you’ve got to explore not only what their emotions are making them do (whether it is to strangle Calvin or crying), but explain what they’re feeling. What they’re thinking and what they desired.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Pretty good story. Not bad. If you follow the recommendations I’ve stated, I surely hope that your story will be better in the future.

Bonus marks: 2/5

Two points for making your own layout.

Total mark: 66/100

Additional comments:

If you have any queries then tag me

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr

World’s Apart

Title: World’s Apart

Author: lil_tiger
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lil_tiger2/ 
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 9.3/10

Your title is quite compatible with your story. Although it is usually used as a metaphor, you have decided against the main stream and used the meaning of it in a literal way. It isn’t a simple title as it holds many meanings and you managed to link it throughout the story. The only complaint I have is that it doesn’t capture my interest. It looks and sounds boring and doesn’t hold much appeal. Although the title does have relevance to the story, it would be better to make it more eye catching.  

Poster & Background: 3/10

Putting aside the use of graphics present in the poster, the current layout does not follow through with the fantasy genre of the fiction. From what I see, the poster only indicates romance, along with the quote that completely conflicts with the story. Love and hate? All I see is love, where is the hate? Where is the clash? Your quote also point towards romance, in which I think is the secondary genre of the story. Fantasy seems to override it and I see nearly no elements in the poster. Granted that you have managed to make it bright and glowing and seeing that it is quite out of the norm, so I’ll give some points for that.  

The background and the poster do not match. However you look at it, even with the black font on the poster, it clashes. Also, seeing as it is a fantasy fiction, the background is too plain. Add some fantasy elements in it. Maybe the red cloudy skies you have described in your story? The font was clear and readable.  

Foreword: 6/10

I like your short paragraph. It has some indications of it being a fantasy when you wrote, “Nothing is the same anymore.” What I didn’t like was how you wrote out paragraph after paragraph describing each character, saying what the liked or disliked. You don’t need to do that. You have already described each character in your story clearly enough for the reader to understand their personality. And long paragraphs like that can sometimes make the forewords seem over the top. Make it short, simple and to the point. By the way, is Hayley supposed to be Michelle?  

Cast Used: 2.9/5

Let’s look at Tavia. Referring back to the foreword in your character description, you said that she was a fashion fanatic? Seeing as she isn’t a main character in the story (so far), I wouldn’t think you’d go into much detail about her. But from what I’ve read on her character, nothing showed that she was a fashion fanatic as you have claimed her to be. You see, this is why you don’t explain each character in the foreword. This way you can change your mind about what they are like.  

Now onto Rachel. I still have no idea what her personality is like. Even after how many chapters, all I know is that she is the wise cunning one. There were times when she was a trickster, there were times when she was nasty, then she was reasonable then she was kind. Who is this person? There’s nothing distinct about her, her personality changes too much. Find one personality for her and stick by it.  

Originality & Creativity: 13/15

Considering that it is of a fantasy genre, of course it is very creative. Being in a coma and ending up in another world, you wouldn’t call that clichéd. However, the ending, as far as I know, is quite predictable. Charmaine and Raymond are going back to the “real” world and are going to end up together with some talk with their current partners. Because your story is yet to end, think of a twist that would make the reader go, WOW! Make sure that the twist makes sense as well of course.  

Story & Plotting: 12.5/15

I didn’t have a problem understanding your story. It was clear and precise. Except for when Charmaine’s mother suicided. One minute she was lecturing Charmaine, the next minute she was on the road. I think you rushed it a bit there, seeing as you didn’t even indicate that she left the room! Apart from that, I can’t find any flaws (that I remember).  

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6.5/10

Your sentence structure was a bit bad. Some didn’t make sense and others seemed to be put together with the use of ‘;’. Do not violate the use of these semicolons. You have overused them and it makes it hard to read your sentences. Instead of placing them, either separate them into different sentences or with commas.  

Another thing is your use of ‘………………’ What the heck is that? An ellipsis only has three dots. Why did you use so many for? Reduce the numbers!

Flow of Story: 9/10

Your story would have gone smoothly if you had elaborated on Charmaine’s mother’s death.  

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your writing style is alright. I had no problems sitting back and reading it. The thing was that you should describe the scenery more and the movement of the fictional characters, especially Rachel because she seemed to not come from the ‘real’ world which evidently makes her more interesting. Paint a picture of that world for your readers to imagine it so that the fourth wall can be broken and see themselves in the story with your characters. It’s a hard thing to do but when writing fantastical stories, that’s what you’re trying to aim for.  

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10

Too tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it. The only thing that kept me going was my curiosity in seeing how you would write this fantasy fiction.  

Bonus marks: 0/5 

No bonus marks.  

Total mark: 67.7/100 

Additional comments: I am so sorry I took so long! I have my reasons!!  

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr- 

Family Crisis

Title: Family Crisis
Author: August
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/August
Reviewed By: v

Title: 4/10
The title clearly explains what the reader is in for upon clicking on the provided link. "Family Crisis" sounds very predictable, and without excitement. But nevertheless, your title is closely linked to your story.

Poster & Background: 7/10
I do like your poster. It blends very well with your background. I like the colour choice; the kind of blue many will not use. I see it as unique. The two guys at each end were on a street. Both seemed to be wondering aimlessly. I am not sure if it connects with your story. But at least, I like your graphics.

Foreword: 4/10
It does not provide a prologue of the story, neither a summary. It is hard to attract readers without either one of the above mentioned. You gave a list of character involved in your story. However, from the point of view of a reader, he or she will only be interested in the main casts. Since all your characters are from Big Bang, Wonder Girl, or are fictional characters, this sentence: "Other members from Big Bang and Wonder Girls may or may not be included in the story. I might also add a few more fictional characters along the way." is enough. By listing down a series of names, it distracts the reader from your main casts.

Cast Used: 3/5
Being unfamiliar with K-Pop celebrities, I remember the characters' personalities, and thus am able to differentiate them. I think you've done well so far. It's just a little pity because you haven't finished, and I can only rate according to those posted chapters.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I am sorry, but I know of a true account similar to your story. And the true account was really far more descriptive (when I was told the story).

Story & Plotting: 10/15
I feel that since you've titled it as "Family Crisis", it was supposed to affect your main female lead (SunYe) a lot, you should have thrown in more descriptions on her emotions. That would have made more impact on the reader (me) as he/she (I) read about how unfair life was for her when she was still at her dad's place (with the mean step-mother and annoying step-brother). I like your descriptions in the story, but I feel that you should also focus on SunYe's emotions as she goes through this family crisis.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Your language is generally okay (:


Flow Of Story: 8/10
I think your story flows pretty well for now. The story didn't lose me halfway through. So well done on that!

Writing Style: 3/5
Because it's merely 5 chapters, it is hard to determine your writing style. But so far I think you are progressing pretty well (:

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Like I mentioned earlier, suppose because your story is too similar to a true story I've heard, so it sort of spoiled the story for me.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying to your readers individually.

Total mark: 61/100


Additional comments:
Don't worry about the results, this is after all only your FIRST attempt! I'm sure you can do better with practice the next time round! Good luck with the rest of this fan fiction and your future ones!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Maid in Tokyo

Title: Maid in Tokyo
Author: discoteque
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/discoteque
Reviewed By: Yuki.
 
Title: 6/10
Your title was pretty straightforward; it didn’t hold any suspense or whatsoever. It gave off the impression of the ‘master & maid love’ at first sight so it might only attract readers who like that kind of story. (Well, I like it xD)

Poster & Background: 4/10
I would say that the poster looks rather weird because the background of the poster looks sort of cute and outgoing while the pictures of the characters look kind of solemn. The poster itself wasn’t really well done because it doesn’t suit the mood and it didn’t have much appeal (I’m sorry ><). Also, there isn’t any background provided. You might want to change the font colour codes so that the main page would appeal more to readers to click on one of the links.
 
Foreword: 2/10
The information provided in your forewords was unnecessary. You didn’t need to tell the readers what were the characteristics of your characters and whatnot. It would only somehow give away your story. You should include a prologue to capture the reader’s attention so that they would come back for more. 

Cast Used: 4/5
Well, the first chapter instantly told me that Mio is a strong and persistent girl :]. I liked the way she told Sawada that she didn’t bear any hatred to him and she was going to act professional at her job, it isn’t common to hear this not-bearing-any-hatred thing these days. I adore her character :]. It was rather surprising Sawada that felt bad when Mio quitted her job indirectly because of him, it didn’t seem like how every original male lead would act :].

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I wouldn’t say this story is exactly original but I did see some careful planning to spice up this story. Although it seemed rather plain initially but it was great to see Mio being strong and clear headed, you don’t get to see that a lot nowadays. It did turn out to be unexpected from the characters. 

Story & Plotting: 10/15
As I’ve mentioned earlier, your story did start off a little plain and unnoticed. However, I could literally imagine the scene where Sawaka & Mio shook hands when they both agreed to be professional about the maid thing. I thought it was a really cut way to start the interactions between them. I got mislead when I read about Yuki’s [hahah, same name] first appearance because it did seem like Mio liked him more than he did [or was I just dense?] I guess I was taken by surprise when Yuki confessed his well-kept feelings for Mio. I was blown away when I read continued the journey to finishing the story because almost everything came out the least I expected them to. 

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
One of your biggest mistake in the story lies in the tenses you use. (E.g Original; She dropped the mop she’s been holding… Correct; She dropped the mop she had been holding.) I could spot quite a handful of mistakes in the first chapter alone, it would chase away readers who are really mind about grammar. I noticed that you used a Japanese word in the midst of the chapters and I would say it would be better if you included explanation for that word, it might not seem much but it’s the little effort you can do to ensure your readers understand. I see a wider range of vocabulary from this story compared to others on winglin, it would be certainly more intense if you could describe the character’s actions a little more. There were some spelling errors, which most of them can be overlooked but maybe you would like to proof read before posting up the chapter. There are too many hyphens appearing where they shouldn’t be. 

Flow Of Story: 9/10
The flow of the story was pretty stable, I didn’t expect them to develop that fast though. Other than that, I guess everything was well planned and it was carried out well.

Writing Style: 4/5
Overall, your writing style was fine. However, you should not mix the character’s thoughts together with their actions so as to avoid confusion. (E.g Uncivilised creature, she thought furiously.) It would be better if you added in inverted commas to avoid the confusion :].

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I knew I already mentioned this but I guess wanted to let you know again; I adore Mio :]. I love her character! I enjoyed how each chapter was started like a brand new page instead of linking everything together. 

Bonus marks: 3/5
The contents page looks sort of messy and it would definitely be quite taxing if any of the readers wanted to locate a particular chapter. I love the adorable ending :].
 
Total mark: 65/100
 
Additional comments: Sorry for taking such a long time to complete your request ><. Mixture of laziness and forgetfulness. Do drop a tag if you’ve any enquiries regarding this review :].

Reviewed by Yuki.@midnight-tree.co.nr-

Never Again

Title: Never Again
Author: teriyaki18
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/junjin
Reviewed By: Lovie


Title: 5.5/10
This title is okay. Nothing interesting, nothing special. It would not have caught my attention if I’m scrolling down the Winglin webpage. At the sound of it, it immediately speaks of unrequited love, which is a very cliché-like story.

After finishing all the chapters, your story further proved my point. This title was incongruous. Rhianne was determined not to go to any blind dates anymore, so it was “Never Again”. However, your storyline was about this sweet romance. It looked as though you’re deviating from the topic, but actually you gotten your story an inappropriate title.

Try to think of a more catchy title.


Poster & Background: 3/10
This poster is quite poorly done. Of course, I’m not a professional graphic designer. I may not be able to offer you professional critics on this artwork, but what I can offer is some feedbacks, from a reader’s point of view.

Basically, in overall, I think the poster is messy. All the pictures look out of place, for example, the picture on the right. You should use a smaller brush, if not the superfluous parts are not erased completely. Also, the font of the quote is not well-chosen. Orange doesn’t go prettily with black here in this case.

Personally, I would encourage authors to design their posters and background. So, the three marks there are meant to encourage you to continue to design. Try to go for more photoshop tutorials. I’m sure you’ll make a great designer. =]


Foreword: 6/10
The suspension you attempted to create isn’t enough for me to click the “next” button. Again, the first thing that came to my mind is the word ‘cliché’ - a special person will appear to change the protagonist’s perspective of blind dating. Instead of using this summary as the prelude to your story, I think you should try “bombshell” instead. Include the climax in your prologue to interest your readers.

The character introduction you have there isn’t enough either. You’re simply telling me she’s a homicide detective, and she hates blind dating. Maybe you can include a small point of view from her, for example, “Oh my god! Why am I feeling this way? (etc)” This will interest your readers because they would want to find out how she is responding to the other protagonist.


Cast Used: 5/5
I assume that the characters are fictional as I have not heard of them before.
I do like this pairing. =)

I’m impressed by your characterisation. Strong characterisation. What makes your characterisation more special is, you present your characterisation through the different perspectives of the protagonists. Good job. Keep it up.


Originality & Creativity: 10/15
A romance between an officer and a surgeon is definitely refreshing, which makes your story very different from the others. However, after reading your story, I think it was quite disappointing, or should I say, it did not meet my expectations. I expected more because this storyline certainly has the potential. It’s just that you have yet to explore deep enough. Maybe you would want to try exploring deeper into their careers. You did, for Rhianne, but not Junjin. You can do some more brainstorming to be more creative.


Story & Plotting: 13/15
Just like what I have just said, your storyline is quite creative, so you get your points for story.

Likewise, for plotting, I think you have done quite a good job. The small climaxes at the end of each chapter were done prettily. You managed to keep me suspense and make me want to read more. Keep it up.


Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
You didn’t have a big problem with grammer and spelling, as I hardly spot any. But, there were some careless ones. Just remember to check each chapter before posting them up next time.

You had quite a wide range of vocabulary. It’s just a pity you didn’t use more. Remember to use more descriptive ones. They certainly would be enjoyable.


Flow Of Story: 8/10
In overall, you have done a good job, for all the chapters were flowing smoothly.
There were some parts which interrupted the flow. For example, the part where Rhianne left. You immediately continue the story with their lives after four years. That was too abrupt. I would suggest you start a new chapter on it.

Another example, chapter : Random Thoughts. I’m certainly not enjoying this chapters because the thoughts were indeed random. I can understand you’re trying to do flashbacks in amidst of the climax, where Junjin could possibly die. But, instead of reminiscing, I found it confusing, especially parts where the flashbacks had no links to the climax at all. The problem lies in the wrong choices of scenes.


Writing Style: 4.5/5
You had a unique style of writing, with your chapters written in quite short sentences. Surprisingly, I felt that you had done an excellent job. Your story flows very smoothly, even when the sentences were short and sweet. This proves that simplicity is the best. You allowed the readers to find beauty within the simplicity of the words. Well done.

However, if you want your writing style to be more distinctive, you have to write more and gain experiences.


Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Oh I have got to admit I really like this story. I found this story to be really sweet.

I would highly recommend this story to those who go for sweet romance. =)


Bonus marks: 4/5
2 marks for the efforts you have put in.
2 marks for the enjoyment you have given me. =]


Total mark: 75/100


Additional comments: I’m sorry this review came so late. Hope you will like this review! :D

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
-

Existing, Forever.

Title: Existing, Forever
Author: halky
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/halky6/
Reviewed By: v

Title: 6/10
The title did sound a little alluring. But it doesn't seem to really have a link with the story. At the end of the story, it was written, "The whole happy family ran towards the court and giggled happily. There they are, and would always be, existing, forever." But I do not see how they will be there existing forever. I thought it would fit better if it was changed to, perhaps, the couple's love or the happiness and stuffs like that.

Poster & Background: 8/10
I liked the choice of having a gray background. The dark emotions on the top of the poster and the vibrant colour below. To me, the top represents the struggle Arron and Hebe went through during the time she was sick, and the vibrant colours shows the state of happiness the family were in in the end.

Great job on that!

Foreword: 7/10
I enjoyed the forewords. It explained the reason for their marriage and how their character in the beginning. Arron being the unfriendly cold groom and Hebe the submissive bride, helpless to both the marriage and Arron's unkindness.

Cast Used: 2/5
Many authors have been pairing Arron and Hebe together. It's always the unfriendly Arron paired up with a kind-hearted and vulnerable Hebe. And then Arron becomes friendly and loving. Characters and their personalities are somewhat predictable.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
Forced marriage, diseased, limited time to live. We have read that all many times, even in television shows or movies. But Hebe on a wheelchair, a marriage in a beautiful gown on a wheelchair - this makes the story a little different.

Story & Plotting: 9/15
I thought it was quite predictable. And the plot on sickness and forced marriage had been widely overused.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Mistakes are inevitable. But still, I think you did great (:


Flow Of Story: 8/10
I felt that it went on pretty fast. A whole lot of the story was not told. Maybe that's your writing style, I am not sure. But I thought, perhaps, if the part on Hebe struggling to live is elaborated, the emotions will be better portrayed.

Writing Style: 4/5
You are quite descriptive, and I like that. It allows one to really imagine everything going on, the way the story was told, in one's mind. At least, it was like that for me.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
I would have really enjoyed it if the story was longer and much elaborated.
But you did great (:

Bonus marks: 2/5
For dedicating the last chapter to them to thank your readers for reading.

Total mark: 69/100

Additional comments:
I’ve finished reading a couple of days ago, but I was rushing through my report assignments (note the 's'). Sorry for the late review. I’ll hope to hear from you again through story reviews. And good luck with your remaining and future fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Unspoken Feeling

Title: Unspoken Feeling

Author: -shratlen-

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/shratlen/

Reviewed By: Lamer_

Disclamer: The review below is clearly just a penny of my thought, So no offence to anyone..

Title: 6/10

Title looks nice.. :) Sound a little sad for me?? But it does attract my attention if I see it at the winglin main page, I'll tempted to click on it..

Poster & Background : 6/10

First look, it's quite nice.. But on closer look, I find the poster a little too overly populated, with the cast picture.. It make the overall feel a little messy.. Do take note about it.. I feel the quote are a little too much(i mean, too wordly), I feel it's best to break them up and place them around a suitable place so it won't look so messy like what it is now(i mean, the words are all located at the same spot which made it look so crowded, making it worse for the whole poster feel.). But, I do like the pinky-ness and sweetness that the poster emit out, which match with the theme.. Background wise, i find the word colour of the story clash a little with it.. Do take note of that also..

Forewords: 4/10

Cast list clearly listed out.. Intro is nice.. Quote are not bad.. :) However, when I read on, I find that it's quite similar to the story out in the winglin site(romance) and sound a little cliché.. Marks down for that.. Overall, not too bad.. :)

Cast Used: 2/5

The pairing was great.. Characterizations wise, I do see some effort you put in for it.. However, they are not clearly well portrayed, more can be done to enhance it.. :)

Originality & Creativity: 4/15

Not too much originality.. Like what I mention, it's somehow or rather quite similar to story out there for romance type like your's.. However, you did try to add on to make it more, intersting(I had to confess, it doesn't work too much for me).. Instead of Triangle love, you add on another guy to make it more complicated.. Good try?? Yet, they sound too plain to me.. I strongly suggest you add in more emotional aspect of the character plus a bit more interaction between the character will do the trick.. :) I also hope you add in more twist and surprises the reader.. :)

Story & Plotting: 5/15

Storyline and plotting is quite common.. Quite predictable, which tends to bore readers out.. So I strongly suggest you to inject more surprise to make the story more interesting.. :) More emotional development of the character would be a plus.. Try to expand the relationship of the character out more and let the reader's imagination run wild.. :)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10

I had a quite hard time trying to read your story.. Spelling mistakes are flying all over the place.. Tense are wrong at times.. I can see that you have a limited vocabulary, try adding in more to made the story more, nice and better.. :) For spelling wise, I strongly advise you, either you type this out in microsoft word (which will correct every mistake you do) or find a beta reader whom you can trust to correct your mistake(it can be your good friend, or even your cousin or relative who has a better command of the language).. Don't worry, Practise makes perfect.. So continue writting and I believe you can improve.. :)

Flow Of Story: 5/10

I find your story speed quite, unstable.. You move too fast at some part, yet, move too slowly at certain part.. Try to find your right tempo of writting.. I believe everything will be fine after it.. :)

Writing Style: 2/5

Nothing much can be commented in here.. But 1 thing i wanted to comment about it.. Script form style makes your story more messy in some sense that you tend to overlook little detail in you story..

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the story a little.. :) Nothing much to said.. I just hope you can improve on your spelling part.. Other then that, everything is quite all right overall.. :)

Bonus marks: 2/5

One mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the readers comments..

Total mark: 44

Additional comments:

Practise makes perfect for language wise.. Don't be too upset about your marks.. See it as a form of motivation for you to strike better in the near future.. Good luck in your story then..

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr

Confession

Title: Confession

Author: iris_jade13

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/irisJade13/

Reviewed By: Lamer_

Disclamer: The below review is purely just penny of my thought.. No offence to anyone out there..

Title: 9/10

Title looks pretty good. It’s one word, short, sweet and outstanding..

Poster & Background : 9/10

I love the poster totally.. It's really nice and matches well with the theme of the story.. :)

Forewords: 6.5/10

Honestly speaking, your forewords sounds a little cliché to me.. A loves B, then suddenly C came out, breaking them apart.. It's a typical idol drama love story which can be found all over in winglin.. I can see your efforts in coming up with it. However, do take extra attention towards the language segment. No offence, Just a penny of my thought..

Cast Used: 1/5
The only thing I got from the story was that, Arron was a jerk, Hebe was stupid and Rainie was a bitch(sorry for the rude words).. And I feel that Hebe is weird as well. Who in the right mind would stand under the rain JUST to get sick so that the guy would come for her.. I think the girl must be really desperate for love. And it irks me as a feminist.

The characters felt like a paper characters or puppets that was just seriously boring..

Not to mention, I have no idea whether to call your choice of male character a mismatch or creative by making Arron (the usual nice guy)the jerk..

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
I think you are suffering a aftereffect of an overdose of TVB or Taiwanese drama. Nono, not Taiwanese idol drama but those 100 over episodes of over theatrical drama that “aunties” with nothing to do watch in the afternoon to kill time. Overdone as it may, but they keep the aunt attention span.
But even that is better than your story.
They can chase after one show for YEARS..
Unlike yours..

Let me summarises your story.. Hebe and Arron were together, then Rainie, who so HAPPENED to be the Hebe’s best friend was caught in bed with Arron. .Then Arron rejected Hebe.. Hebe goes overseas.. When she was going to get married, Arron came and confessed his undying love for Hebe.

If it ended there, it might be called CLICHÉ. But sadly, you went on…

Rainie knocked Arron down in jealousy.. Arron died..

My reaction was this: Oh, My God.. It is so, Dramatic?? A little too much drama to be added on?? Overdoing it??

Story & Plotting: 4/15
Paragraph 1 of your story reminds me of a story we always wrote in Primary School.. You stare out of the window and you recall something. It’s more over then cliché..

Anyhow, on with the rest of the story.. The word to classify it is OVERLY drama. You tried to incorporate so much ‘climax’ in your storyline. So much so that I feel like in a horribly boring coaster ride and can’t wait to get down any sooner.. And yes, they were all 'climax’ without forming any images in my head because your descriptions were rather vague..
I appreciate the fact that you try to add in surprising elements into the story, but I think you overdid it totally.. Was there really a need to make Arron die and Rainie knock him over? ?

Overall, your fic feels weird ..

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Fluctuating tenses got on my nerves.

And I wonder if you have been listening to your primary school teacher when he/she taught you grammar because, basic grammar says that after a modal verb is the root form of the word.. Wait?? Are you lost?? Let me illustrate..

You wrote “does not deserves” but it should be “does not DESERVE”

You wrote “will never spent her time” but it should be “will never SPEND”

Get it?

I couldn’t help but wonder at this one, “lady’s high heels shoe”(it's shoes by the way, i guess either you miss it or you completely forgotten about it)..


Flow Of Story: 2/10

Besides the fact that in the second paragraph you said that the incident happened five years ago, you were writing a dateless fairytale.. How long had Arron and Hebe been together?? And Hebe MARRIED?? Won’t they suppose to be in High School?? Are you trying to do a parody of married at 18?? Do you know that if a child marries before 21 she needs parental consent?? Not to mention I cannot understand how a 21th century woman would want to marry before she hit university (unless she got pregnant that is).. Plain illogical..

Writing Style: 2/5
You sentences tend to be super linear and it goes something like, She said this, She did this, She said this…. And it makes reading your story absolutely boring, like reading a 10 year old kid writing her first composition??

Moreover, I don’t see any emotion being poured into the story at all.. You seemed to be more interested in telling the readers 101 things happened than to involve them in the characters’ inner turmoil..

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
I did not enjoy your fic.. Seriously..

I’m hesitant to read further on starting from the forewords.. The unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' put me off.. I can see that you are trying hard to make a twist for the story, yet I think, you either, overdo it, or, you really wanted to write something so exciting to attracted the reader(but sadly, it doesn't really work for me)..


Bonus marks: 2/5

One mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the reader’s comment..

Total mark: 47.5

Additional comments:

Don't get too upset about you mark.. Serious speaking, your story ain't that bad.. But adding in too much unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' just put me off.. Maybe you can try harder next time.. I really can see your effort writing, so keep writting.. Practise make prefect.. :) Motivate yourself to do better next time then.. :)

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr

A Penny for Your Thoughts

Title: A Penny for Your Thoughts
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/yunho_hawt/
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 5/5

I cannot comment on the creativity and thought put into the title. However, what I can do though is comment on how the plot intertwines with the title. It took me a while to understand and when I did, I was shocked as to how you managed to have us read the title in such an imaginative way. A penny for your thoughts wasn’t merely just a metaphor but you actually read it in a literal way. It’s really unique in the way you have explored the title and made it fantastical.

Poster & Background: 0.5/5

Again, I cannot comment on the poster since it was the challenge’s poster. The background was left blank so not points there. However, the font colour matched with the poster and wasn’t too light to read over the white background.

Foreword: 8/10

Your foreword was short and precise. It gave a nice description of Her personality and a minimal head start to the story. Not only that, you managed to leave the reader hanging on, wanting to know more about the Him. It would have been better if you changed the part where she explained about how nobody looks for her. It doesn’t explain why she was overwhelmed with surprise, thus it looks out of place. Other than that, it was good.

Cast Used: 3/5

I thought it was really, how can I word this? …Cool that you managed to not reveal the character’s name and left it to the reader’s imagination according to the descriptions that you have written. The character’s personality and qualities were constant throughout the whole story. The character that seemed to pop out of nowhere was Vennane. It really took me by surprise, and confused me. Nothing led up to his appearance, it was very sudden. I wasn’t sure of his character though. His title was God of Punishment, right? Shouldn’t he live up to that title by actually be sort of menacing instead of turning a blind eye to his mate?

Originality & Creativity: 13/15

Of course this was creative, it’s a fantasy genre. If it wasn’t creative then you have failed in writing the story! It was quite a twist at the end; I thought it was merely just a romantic story between a mysterious and handsome chap and a girl. The thought of him being an angel never crossed my mind. However, the mushy scenes at the beginning were very typical. It’s hard to be creative in romance when it is so common, but with a little brainstorming it can be done.

Story & Plotting: 9/15

Your story didn’t have much storyline to it. It just seemed as though each chapter was to show the good times the two had and the love they shared. It wasn’t until the very end that the story actually had some depth. How he was brought back to heaven and managed to keep his memories and immortality. I liked the concept of how you used ‘A penny for your thoughts’ in a literal way. He actually gave her a penny in exchange for her memories (thoughts). Quite sad.

Lovely poem by the way

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

I couldn’t find any spelling errors and the vocabulary was quite well done. The only problem was the repetitiveness of some words. Be more creative in that area and use a wide range of words. Barely any grammar errors.

Flow of Story: 6/10

The flow of the story is a bit choppy. When I first read it (to review it that is), I thought it was strange how he was already being so smitten with her. Some of the chapters don’t flow, for example, the death of her grandma was a totally out of the blue. The appearance of Vennane as well. Took me off guard and made me think that I had missed something. At first, the story was progressing at an even tempo but then it fell into bits and pieces as it neared the end. It wasn’t exactly rushed; it just sort of fell apart.

Writing Style: 3/5

One liner paragraphs. Simple and easy to read, but it won’t hurt to add in more descriptions. Paint the picture of the readers to imagine it they way you want them to.

I liked the way you managed to keep the reader’s interest from the simplicity of its format. They way you ended each chapter was quite nice as well. There was a nice short concluding sentence that made me want read on.

The thing that irritated me was how you placed both a question and exclamation mark together [?!]. Don’t be indecisive and just pick one of them to use!

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

I can’t choose whether I enjoyed this story more at the beginning or at the end, but I certainly didn’t enjoy both. The beginning had more flow but the storyline was mushy. The ending had a better storyline but was choppy. The one thing I did appreciate was the simplicity of the writing style, very easy to read.

Bonus marks: 4/5

One point for replying to readers. Another for attempting to play a game with them (which I won XD). And two points for dedicating it to me! (>o<)

Total mark: 66.5/90

Additional comments:

Sorry for the extremely dodgy review! I’ve been doing this a little bit by little bit so there may be times when I contradict myself~ Blame the exams I have to study for!!

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Title: A Penny For Your Thoughts
Author: Shattered Teardrops
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_bittersweet/
Reviewed By: v


Title: -/10
Since it's a Midnight-Tree challenge and the title is fixed. I shall take this section out of the review.

Poster & Background: 8/10
A very pretty poster. The colours are soothing to my eyes and artistically blended with the cast and the hands of the clock. The background is mostly plain and the little picture at the side is pretty washed out, which is good because it does not distract me from reading the fan fiction.

Forewords: 7/10
An innocent introduction of the characters’ childhood. I like how the short and simple sentences tells so much, and allows one to visualize the characters in the head.

The forewords gave a little introduction to the characters involved in the story.

Cast Used: 3/5
I’m not really familiar with the K-Pop. Hence, I’ll rate this section by the personality and characteristics you’ve injected into the characters (which to me, would be just names – if without a personality).

The story is half developed. And I wished I could drag this review request till you’ve finished the story. But I guess ying and you would have killed me by then. HA!

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
It’s a generally nice story. Deducted marks were for the a-little-bit cliché “meeting childhood best friend again after many years”.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
The story has just started developing, and it’s getting me quite glued to the computer screen (waiting for updates, that is). It’s hard not to wonder if BoA will allow herself and Jae Joong a chance, or go along with the marriage with the almost-the-best-man-on-Earth Yunho that was already planned.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
You’ve got a good command of English, really.
And I’ve yet to find faults with your fan fiction.
But nobody’s perfect! So, it’s hard to really award full marks for Language.

Flow Of Story: 8/10
Perfect. It wasn’t too fast, neither was it that slow.

Writing Style: 4/5
I like your writing style. Simple and direct words without much really hard to understand words. It allows you to carry the information to readers effectively. I like (:

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Yes, till now, I’ve liked the fan fiction.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For replying to readers’ comments without fail.
It’s hard, I know.

Total mark: 70/90
Additional comments:
I had actually finished a couple of days ago, but I procrastinated for a few days. And POOF! Another updated chapter! HA. My apologies, for the delay in the submission of review!
Good luck with the rest of the story and your other fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Love Grows, Our’s Blossom

Title: Love Grows, Our’s Blossom
Author: Mandy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Koolzgirlz
Reviewed By: Lovie


Title: 5/10
This title is okay. Wells, I could just picture a typical romance almost immediately when I first see this title. Nothing special and nothing interesting.
Oh anyway, if you realise, there’s grammatical error in your title. It should be “Love Grows, Ours Blossom”. There’s no such word as “our’s”.


Poster & Background: 6.5/10
The poster was quite pretty. However the blend wasn’t really done beautifully. It still looks awkward to me. Wells, I guess I can leave it to you to request for some changes from your designer.

I did like the background very much. However, it’s such a pity your font isn’t the right colour. I had some difficulty reading some parts when the pink font clashes with the pink in your background.


Foreword: 2/10
I have to fail you in this criterion because there isn’t prologue of any sort that. Yes, I just hate to see a prologue missing. This is a real serious problem here, because if you fail to make the readers want to click the next button, that’s it. You will lose your readers. It would definitely be better if you could just include a short prologue, preferably a bombshell to keep your readers in suspense.

Oh, I could see a short character introduction but it didn’t seem to be able to interest me as well. I’m fine with character introduction although I would prefer authors to plan the characterisation of the characters throughout the story. Remember to include a longer character introduction. It’s too short to really interest the readers.

Nevertheless, I gave you two marks for your efforts.


Cast Used: 3/5
Oh quite refreshing. I don’t think I have tried any fanfic on this pairing yet.


Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I have a word to describe the plot of your story - “cliché”.

A typical romance that starts with one bumping into another accidentally, and was attracted to another almost immediately… Then the story went on with them going out together. The climax was nothing special too; just an appearance of a third party and the female cast contracting cancer. If you were to read a summary like this, how far do you think you can sustain your interest in this fanfic? So, now, do you see the problem? The storyline there is cliché, which posed as a high danger that may bore your readers. Therefore, my point is, try to be more creative. No doubt, easier said than done, what I can offer is some suggestions for you to come up with your own ideas.

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.


Story & Plotting: 8.5/15
I shan’t double penalise you for your storyline. As I have said before, remember to be more creative.

As for the organisation of ideas, there’s still room for improvement. You did manage to sustain a little interest in the readers and making them want to read more at the end of the chapters, however more should be done. Remember, winglin is site where fanfics are required to be updated frequently. It is very important for readers to be able to sustain interest in the readers long enough. Therefore, I would highly recommend you to plan a small climax at the end of every chapter to keep the readers in suspense.


Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were careless mistakes here and there throughout the story that you should be careful of. Spellings mistakes and grammer mistakes can be avoided if you make it an effort to check every chapter before posting up them next time.

Another problem is your way of expression. I’m not sure whether you’re facing problems expressing yourself that’s why your story has been written in quite a bizarre and immature manner. For example, you tend to drawl your words to place emphasis on certain situations.

Sample 1 : “Yan was sooooo mad that he had contradicted her, she walked away.”

Sample 2 : “Chris was very, very, mad and also jealous.”

Now you can see how you drawl your words and using the technique of repetition to place emphasis on your point. Of course, it’s not wrong to do that. However, it sounded as though you’re the narrator of this story and you’re reading a story to your audience. That should not be the way. You should leave your readers to find the beauty within words and imagine, not you telling them everything.

Sample 1 and 2 can be improved by adding descriptions to show HOW angry the protagonists were. For example, simple ones would be “burning with rage” and “he was turning purple with anger” etc.

Another problem you had is organisation. You tend to write all dialogues in one single paragraph, which is a big NO-NO. Only one dialogue in one paragraph please.

Sample 3:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....." He said slowly,"Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

It can be reorganised as following.

Sample 4:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....."
He said slowly, “Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

Also, don’t include more than one “and” in your sentence!


Flow of Story: 6/10
The flow of story is inconsistent and irregular, sometimes slow and sometimes too fast. For example, this chapter you’re talking about the separation and the next you’re talking about Yan collapsing. That’s too fast and abrupt. You’re not giving the readers enough time to digest the facts and get them right. Thus, it is important that you learn to control the pace of the story.


Writing Style: 2.5/5
I believe you’re still quite new at writing…? That’s something to consider because it really takes time for authors to develop their own distinctive writing style. Anyway, for the benefit of doubt, I gave you a pass. Gain more experiences and you’ll soon develop your own writing style.


Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/10
I was skimming through most of the chapters, or should I say, I’m practically skipping most of the parts because I could almost prognosticate what will happen next. Too boring, even for a leisure read. I’m definitely not enjoying myself here. However, I have got to admit that there are some parts which I find them to be quite sweet. Keep it up.


Bonus marks: 5/5
I would like to give you 5 bonus marks to encourage you. I can see the efforts you’re putting in, so I don’t want to make the review sound disparaging and hurtful. Continue to work hard and I anticipate more improvements from you. =)

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: With regards to the “additional information” you left in the review request form, I decided I should give you a reply. You said, “I want you to review my story as soon possible. Please and thanks.” I’m sorry but I really find the word “want” used here disturbing because you sounded as though you’re bossing me around and I don’t really like the sound of that. I believe you don’t mean it, and perhaps you wrote it unintentionally. All I want to say is please be careful with your words next time. I’m afraid others might be offended and might even reject your request if you sounded impolite regardless of your original intention.

If you have enquiries, please feel free to contact via Midnight Tree.

Good luck and all the best to your story! :)


**Special comments: With regards to some impolite comments in the comment box, personally I strongly disapprove of people hiding behind another pseudonym and disparage others’ fanfics. Mandy has already made it clear, or in fact, she has already proclaimed her story as similar to the drama so you shouldn’t be saying she’s plagarising. That’s all I intended to say.


Reviewed by (Lovie) @midnight-tree.co.nr
-

~*~ The Geeky Princess ~*~

Title: ~*~ The Geeky Princess ~*~
Author: Taelia
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/taelia
Reviewed By: Yuki.

Title: 4/10
The title failed to leave a deep impression on me of any sort. Yes, it might be more for clichéd lovers but I didn’t like the decorations you included because it appeared somewhat immature. However, it was nice to capitalize the beginning of each word because it was portrayed in tidier way.

Poster & Background: 0/10
I’m terribly sorry for the 0 I’m giving you in this section but your story is without a poster or background, an effort wasn’t made to change the font colours to at least beautify the page a little. A poster and background is rather essential for a story because many readers get attracted by them, so please request from a site or even make your own.

Foreword: 2/10
There wasn’t really much in the forewords, no extract, and no prologue. There was only a brief introduction of characters and only the names were given. I understand that people seldom read the forewords but a handful of people do. It is essential to put up the forewords to attract people into reading your story.

Cast Used: 4/5
ChaeYeon seems like your typical average girl, but with a complicated background. I guess that’s one thing different from the other female leads in other stories. I liked it even though she seemed strong, she was quite vulnerable and afraid. (E.g Chapter 2-3) I got confused when there were many male characters in the story popping out, it made me momentarily think that the male lead could be them instead. I liked that sense of mystery though.

PS I like the Super Junior assassin group idea xD.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15
I would say the starting of your story didn’t appeal much because it gave the impression of ‘playboy falls in love with beautiful girl’ thing, but it was quite intriguing reading ChaeYeon’s story, I must say. It was more or less a mixture of clichéd plots so it appealed more and held a sense of mystery.

Story&Plotting: 9/15
Your story was certainly well plotted from the beginning; everything was well explained and planned. It was rather confusing but detailed enough, you did put in much effort in planning everything. The story started well because it remained quite a mystery when the limelight turned to ChaeYeon and left JunSu hanging.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6/10
There was a fair amount of descriptions for their actions and appearance. The descriptions were quite general most of the time, like just ‘smile’, ‘looked’ and so on. A problem lies with your punctuation; you use too many full stops when it’s supposed to be a comma instead. Also, when there should be a comma, you don’t use any punctuation so the whole sentence becomes one whole mess. It’s a little hard to read, you should really take note of that. Occasionally, there are certain signs of slang. (e.g but what to do) I spotted several typing errors too, perhaps you should take some time to scan through your work before posting up another chapter.

Flow Of Story: 10/10
The story was well-paced, nothing was rushed. The characters were well introduced at the right time.

Writing Style: 2/5
Honestly, I got rather turned off by the paragraphs because one paragraph is very long, it is easy for readers to get lost in the paragraph. (e.g. first chapter) It wasn’t stated clearly between his thoughts, action and the message he sent to his friend. Everything was squeezed into one paragraph, therefore making everything difficult to understand. The dialogues were especially confusing because of the same problem. Other than that, everything is alright.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I did enjoy your story, I like how ChaeYeon’s character stood out as a female lead compared to other stories.

Bonus marks: 4/5
I would definitely faint if I had to put in so much detail into a story. I think you did an amazing job in explaining stuff even though it was hard work and I applaud you for that.

Total mark: 56/100

Reviewed By: Yuki.@midnight-tree.co.nr

So Dense!

Title: So Dense!
Author: :) sydney
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sydnee04
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops


Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.



Title: 4/10

~ The title is comical and it already says a lot about the story. Points for that. However, the word ‘dense’ is a bit overused if you ask me. As for whether the title is appealing or not, I think it’s not that appealing and creatively crafted. I think you could have thought of a much better title.



Poster & Background: n/a

~ You said you change the banner/poster from time to time? Okay, I’ll accept that. But I won’t rate on this part of the review. Besides, there’s also no background.



Forewords: 5/10

~ It was straight and bluntly put. It gave away the plot and left little to the reader’s imaginations. It was not also that well-crafted so points off for that. I’d have to give in some points for the straight character list and descriptions. It’s better than nothing, right? Also, I give points for effort.



Cast Used: 4/5

~ I do know the artists you used in your story. I am neither a fan nor a hater so I’m pretty much just neutral. I love how you characterized Kim Eun Rae’s personality. Other than that, the Big Bang Boys’ personality were pretty much the same. They were all helpful to Eun Rae and in one way or the other has seen the real her with the exception of course, of Seung Ri who stands out as the dense one.



Originality & Creativity: 6/15

~ Originality-wise, this isn’t exactly the most original plot. I have read other stories about fans being able to live under the same roof with their idols. It’s a common plot in Winglin standards really. Also, it is a bit unbelievable because Big Bang is an idol group. They don’t spend as much free time as you portray them to have in your fic.

Creativity-wise, you weaved each chapter quite well. Although I think you could do a lot better. Why don’t you put them in a complex situation like for example, Big Bang’s manager found out that Eun Rae is living with the boys which is against the rules. You know, some complicated dilemma that they all help out to solve.



Story and Plotting: 6/10

~ As I’ve said, it’s cliché. Case closed. Story-wise, on the other hand, well, it is no rushed. It is actually well-paced except for the fact that, well, you did not mention Eun Rae ever explaining to all the Big Bang boys what really happened to her. You only narrated that she told Tae Yang about her situation. This makes it safe for me to assume that the other Big Bang boys don’t really know her situation, right? I think you must clarify all these points in your story.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

~ Spelling-wise, there were minor typographical errors. Grammar-wise, it’s a so-so, nothing special but I you could still improve. Vocabulary-wise, you have a substantially good command of the English language. I think that’ll do but of course, there’s always room for improvement.



Flow of the Story: 6/10

~ It is well-paced but a bit unrealistic. I like how Big Bang boys help Eun Rae hook up with Seung Ri and I do get a feeling that while they’re helping Eun Rae get Seung Ri, each one of them would somehow fall for her. I’ve read a lot of fics so I think your story is a bit predictable.



Writing Style: 2/5

~ First, I am not a fan of one-liner paragraphs. I have been endlessly repeating this line with every story that I review. Now, one again, your story has lots of one-liners. Okay, one-liner paragraphs makes a chapter look empty. It doesn’t compare with the level of writing a decent paragraph, one that is composed of several sentences that support the main sentence and form a similar thought. I think you should consider putting your one-liner paragraphs into a decent paragraph.



Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

~ I enjoyed your story but it was my enjoyment was a bit short-lived. She has been getting close to all the other Big Bang boys but never got a chance to spend some personal time with Seung Ri. Half-way through all your chapters, I think I got bored. The only chapter I did enjoy the most was the one with the water fight going on between them.



Bonus Marks: 3/5

~ You do reply to your readers and you take time to work on creative banners for your story. I think these deserve some points.



Total Mark:

~ 47/90

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr