*Crane Affinity*

Title: *Crane Affinity*

Author: Lovie

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie7/

Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions

Title: 6/10O

…K… First things first, your title is rather… Interesting. I found it a little difficult to provide comments for your title, because the title is different, and therefore unique and that’s supposed to be a good thing. But your title just doesn’t appeal the way it should, and while yes, it IS effective and functional, it really doesn’t provide quite the way it should.

Hence the 6. Interesting, but not interesting enough to capture attention, falling in between the crevice of bland and phenomenal.

Poster and Background: 9/10

I love this. I think that the Poster was really well done, featuring all of your casts clearly, and providing a very clear emotional aspect of the story, or at least, what you tried to write. I like the faded feeling it gives me, coupled with the snapshots of Jiro and Ella, and Chun and Ella. It’s very Korean drama, in the good sort of way, giving a romantic dimension to your story page.

The background is something of a genius. Forgive the literary monster being awoken in me, but the tinge of the picture in the background reminds me of fading memories. It reminds me of the phase of letting go, and well, that’s excellent. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t exactly found an artist who does backgrounds that detail the page, yet are not as distracting.

This one really hits the spot. :)

Foreword: 8/10

Once again, another great foreword by Lovie. OK, I love the ending bit, because it IS the story in itself, but the foreword would be more perfect if you removed the top, introductory bit about Jiro, Ella and Chun. I would have liked to see a characterisation, instead of a listing when you introduced your characters, but well, this is enough for me.

Someone, give her an award for best forewords written on winglin! *g*Upon closer examination…

Cast Used: 2.5/5

The cast used is nothing special, and ripped from Hana Kimi directly, but I’d say two things, one positive, and one… slightly not so good. Good news first. I like the Jiro and Ella pairing. I like it, because it’s different from what we normally see: JiroSelina or ChunElla. So this one stands out in that fashion. On the other hand, there’s simply not enough characterisation to make this fic work. I think that characterisation was the downfall of this fic, eventually (together with one other factor, but more on that later), because with your strong cast, you should have worked round it to make the fic really a great one.

I know that there’re pre-conceived notions about your cast already, since there’re so many fics running around, and they’ve starred in so many different dramas. But sometimes pre-conceived notions could be a good thing to enforce your character traits. It didn’t work that way, really, in this fic.

Story and Plotting: 7/15

There’s only one thing I want to comment about the story, and another one thing about the plotting. First, the plotting. I thought that you did the planning well enough, and it shows up pretty well in your story with well-organised ideas and the whole thing going in sequence without any errors in the timing and stuff, so well done here.

However, the story is… The word for it is patchwork. You know, a patchwork quilt which consists of bits of cloth sewn together to form one? Yes, that’s exactly how your fic turned out to be. The issue with the story is not really the fact that it contains scenes from too many idol drama series, but more because you tried to squeeze too much into a span of 20 chapters. Too much information becomes overload. Try to limit it to one major, long, flowing storyline, then work on it and make it stand out. This is really too much in one.Language:

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Yay, applause for your language skills, because they aren’t really much of a problem. :) Just take note of two things. Don’t make your speech overly colloquial, that’s one. I know that your set is in Singapore, but that doesn’t give you the licence to use Singlish, ok? Keep the language proper, even during speeches, and the fic in general will increase in readability. Secondly, decide on your tense. In writing, unlike talking, the tense used SHOULD be past tense, but I’m pretty certain that you could work it around in present if you wanted to. The thing is, choose your tense, and stick with it throughout the fic. This piece keeps on alternating, and after a while, it becomes irritating.

Watch on the spelling too. The word is jazz in the foreword, not Jess. Jess is our friend. :)

Flow of Story: 6/10

Too rushed, but because of meticulous planning, things didn’t get wrecked up. With this sort of plot, things could last up to 40 chapters! You put so much in, it becomes a little cramped. The reader doesn’t get the time or space to breathe, and your plot runs too quickly to digest. Take it slow, and don’t let your good planning down.

Writing Style: 4/5
No worries here, but keep your tone slightly more formal. I don’t mean that you can’t write slangs, or laid back stuff, but keep your language… English.Overall feel…

Originality & Creativity: 9/15

You passed on the premise of your cast and the romantic idea of having cranes in your story. To be perfectly honest, I had rather high expectation when I first knew about your idea of have cranes in your story, because it was different, and it was romantic. But I guess you really didn’t work on that effect, and you chose to derail from that effort. The effect was a very limp fic, without a proper storyline that was yours and yours alone.

Too patchwork, and even that wasn’t properly written and worked about to create the effect you wanted. The quilt simply fell apart upon reading.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10I’m sorry to say that I didn’t really enjoy this one. I admit to fast forwarding a lot of the stuff written in the middle chapters, only to find out that I wouldn’t have missed out on much by the end of everything. It moved too quickly at the start, too slowly in the middle, and picked up pace again at the end, but not without becoming all very predictable.

Not a very enjoyable read.

Bonus marks: 3/5

For linking back to MT (with the review) and replying to your readers, albeit sporadically.

Total mark: 65.5/100

Additional Comments: Well, I guess I could say that I’ve read (and reviewed) better from you. I suppose I could tell you to 加油! Keep writing, and I’m you’ll finally find your niche!

Until then, I’ll be keeping a lookout! :)

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr