Title: Hot Chocolate
Author: blackispretty
Reviewed By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title: 9/10
Good job.
I admit to clicking on your fic before I even reviewed it, so I already have some idea as to what it is about. And you can imagine my astonishment at having you requesting a review. That aside, let me explain the reason for the two words above.
I know what hot chocolate is. It’s sinful, melty, sweet and rich. And romantic. Complete with the season of Christmas, you’ve drawn up a beautiful image in my head with just two words. Well done!
I admit to clicking on your fic before I even reviewed it, so I already have some idea as to what it is about. And you can imagine my astonishment at having you requesting a review. That aside, let me explain the reason for the two words above.
I know what hot chocolate is. It’s sinful, melty, sweet and rich. And romantic. Complete with the season of Christmas, you’ve drawn up a beautiful image in my head with just two words. Well done!
Poster and Background: 6/10
The poster is nothing great, but it’s not distracting, so I won’t fault on it. The main issue with the poster is the fact that the featured pictures are just too weird to be there. I like the small ones at the bottom, and they’re probably the only thing that’s really good about the poster. I like the scrawl across the poster with the title, and that together has given you a 6.
OK, average. Not too bad.
OK, average. Not too bad.
Foreword: 9/10GOOOOOD.
I can’t say how warm and fuzzy your forewords make me feel because I’m on this constant hunt for good forewords and I rarely, no, make that VERY rarely, find anything that’s good. I like this because it’s simple, it runs like a trailer from a movie, and it’s functional, introducing all your characters and attaching personalities to them. Excellent work here.
I can’t say how warm and fuzzy your forewords make me feel because I’m on this constant hunt for good forewords and I rarely, no, make that VERY rarely, find anything that’s good. I like this because it’s simple, it runs like a trailer from a movie, and it’s functional, introducing all your characters and attaching personalities to them. Excellent work here.
Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3/5
Arron and Hebe, a tad overused, but still alright, I suppose. I’m slightly biased in favour of Fahrenheit-S.H.E. pairings, and this one is not any exception. I think you nailed the personalities pretty well in the foreword, but it all started the fall off track in the next chapter, and subsequently did not improve in the chapters to follow.
I found that a bit of a pity, and I guess I was hoping for a richer, more in-depth getting to know the cast. But this one was more… An acquaintance. I wasn’t friends with your version of Hebe and Arron, it felt more like I just brushed past them and became hi-bye acquaintances. Give some extra background, write something quirky about each of them to nail their characters. And maybe, you’d be great friends.
I found that a bit of a pity, and I guess I was hoping for a richer, more in-depth getting to know the cast. But this one was more… An acquaintance. I wasn’t friends with your version of Hebe and Arron, it felt more like I just brushed past them and became hi-bye acquaintances. Give some extra background, write something quirky about each of them to nail their characters. And maybe, you’d be great friends.
Story and Plotting: 10/15
Good job on the story, I like the concept a lot, but I got a bit bored in the middle. Reason being: I didn’t really like how you made a subplot in the plot. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against subplots (and I write them too), but because this is a short story, subplots make it cluttered and difficult to concentrate on one, single idea in the story. I didn’t really understand why you had to put in the bit about Hebe mistaking her father for something he did not do, and how she came to forgive him, because I believe the main focus of this story is the love aspect.
Another strange, strange bit is the Cupid thing that appeared in the second chapter. OK, fine, I think it’s cute, but I think it derails the romance quite a lot.
BUT, as I’ve already said, I like the concept of this story, and heartless and emotionless as this reviewer may seem (taking apart the stories, muahahaha), she’s got a soft spot for romantic stories.
Just like yours.
Another strange, strange bit is the Cupid thing that appeared in the second chapter. OK, fine, I think it’s cute, but I think it derails the romance quite a lot.
BUT, as I’ve already said, I like the concept of this story, and heartless and emotionless as this reviewer may seem (taking apart the stories, muahahaha), she’s got a soft spot for romantic stories.
Just like yours.
Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Good work here, except for a few awkward expressions here and there, there’s nothing much for this picky, mean reviewer to pick on anymore! I guess the only piece of constructivism would be to increase your range of vocabulary to handle the emotions of each one of them better. It doesn’t have to be intensely emotionally charged, but there’s got to be more pointing in the “sweet” direction.
Like hot chocolate.
Good work here, except for a few awkward expressions here and there, there’s nothing much for this picky, mean reviewer to pick on anymore! I guess the only piece of constructivism would be to increase your range of vocabulary to handle the emotions of each one of them better. It doesn’t have to be intensely emotionally charged, but there’s got to be more pointing in the “sweet” direction.
Like hot chocolate.
Flow of Story: 6/10
I’m a bit disturbed by the pace of chapter 3. How could someone be angry at someone (her father, no less) for so long without her finding out the true cause behind her mother’s death? And how could she possibly forgive him so quickly, and get over the years of anger so quickly? I think that really disturbed the general flow of the story, and it became a bit too much for a short story.
Writing Style: 5/5
No problem here. It was clear, and distinct in its style. There are problems with the fic, but it definitely isn’t in this section. :)Overall feel…
No problem here. It was clear, and distinct in its style. There are problems with the fic, but it definitely isn’t in this section. :)Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 12/15
Good work here. I know that love stories must fall in a certain cliché, and I know that this sounds a little similar to the concept in the Korean drama, Coffee Prince or one of those dramas out there. BUT. I love it. I love how you handled everything so well, and I like how you didn’t fall into the clichéd template. This is new. It’s old-school romance reinvented on a snowy Christmas night, complete with hot chocolate.
Just… rework the Cupid idea. It’s a bit out of place.
Just… rework the Cupid idea. It’s a bit out of place.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
Well done! I enjoyed your story, and I think the imagery was well done. I found the Hebe and her father subplot a little unnecessary and a bit too much for a short story to take. To be perfectly honest, overall enjoyment was really marred by the fact that I think you couldn’t really decide whether you wanted it funny and witty, or romantic and emotional, so you threw both parts in. As with all fics, this one needs an identity. I think it was a bit lacking in that because of the confused stance that you took.
But other than that, this is a small brilliance in itself, so well done!
But other than that, this is a small brilliance in itself, so well done!
Bonus marks: 3/5
I’m giving you the marks for good responses in your comment board, as well as having that magic spark that ignited the story.
Total mark: 72/100
I’m giving you the marks for good responses in your comment board, as well as having that magic spark that ignited the story.
Total mark: 72/100
Additional Comments:
I have an entirely unrelated question to ask you. Have you read Shakespeare before? -_- Because if you have, and found he “depict(s) the emotions so well.”, then I think you’re somewhat mad. *g* I’m sorry for that, but dear Will and I don’t exactly click on the emotional level.
Anyway, with regards to your review, I hope the marks aren’t too depressing. This is one of the better fics I’ve read in a long time, and I like it a lot. Sooo… Keep it up, and hear from ya soon!
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr
Anyway, with regards to your review, I hope the marks aren’t too depressing. This is one of the better fics I’ve read in a long time, and I like it a lot. Sooo… Keep it up, and hear from ya soon!
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr
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