Last Breath (One Shot)

Title: Last Breath (One Shot)
Author: AsianSensation:)

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lb/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title : 8/10
Pretty sweet. Effective title as well.

Poster&Background
No poster and background eh =)

Foreword: 7/10
I get the picture that you are trying to paint in the forewords but somehow it didn’t get across as strongly as it should have. I am guessing it’s because of the words and spacing of your sentence.

Nevertheless, good attempt.

Cast Used: 3/5
Rainie and Arron was well, a fresh pairing. So props to you.

But I felt that Rainie and Arron’s characrer could be expanded further. There was something lacking in your characterization of both of them.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I like the ending. It was quite fresh. But besides that, the little episodes within the story, like the childhood stories and Arron leaving Rainie was pretty typical of an idol drama. So basically I only giving you the credit for the ending.

Story&Plotting: 8/15
I don’t have a big problem with the story, I know what it is going on. But I feel that the plot has the potential to more intense. There are so many parts in the story where you can make it more polished. For example, I don’t exactly find myself touched by Rainie’s missing Arron. There was something missing. And the ending, though interesting, I felt it did not leave the impact that I was expecting it to leave me. It’s like a piece of music with nice chief melody but lousy accompaniment, so it did not turned out as nice as it would.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10
ARK.
TENSES! Stick with past and present consistently please?
And your grammar is also consistently inaccurate.

I am sorry about my meanness. On the nicer side, I think language killed your fic. I think if you had better language your fic can necessary be like 10 marks higher as I have said in other reviews, language is not only language, if you don’t do okay in language, your writing style is sure not to score well and you plot and flow might also get affected as well.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
It gets choppy sometimes. I mean it had a general flow so the readers are not lost, but I felt that more links could have been done between, for example, the recollections and Rainie’s thoughts.

I also felt the fic lacks a silky feeling that is characteristic of this genre. The closest metaphor I can give is like, listening to a piano melody. A smooth one. Your fic fails to give me this enjoyment.

Writing Style: 2/5
As I have mentioned in the language section, writing style and language goes hand in hand. In this fic, I don’t really see you as a person manifested in the fic. So yea.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10
GAA.
I didn’t really enjoy the fic because I was expecting to be heart wrenched, touched by the story at the end but apparently it didn’t turn out so.

But I liked the concept though.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For trying.
I think you do have the picture in your head but you can’t seem describe ti well with words. So I am giving you the credit for this.

Total mark: 51/90 (~57/100)

Additional comments:
Well, honestly, this fic has the potential to be better. It is actually a pity, I think if you could polish this fic up a bit, the plot has what is takes to be a stunning fic.
Oh and also, because I myself write and read a lot of fics in this genre, I get a tad stricter as well. So I am sorry if it made you upset =) No hard feeling k!


Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess) @midnight-tree.co.nr