Title: [Lies Hurt More Than Truth]
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie9/
Reviewed By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title: 6/10
I’m not sure what to make of the title, because I don’t see its obvious link to the story, except, maybe, the fact that Hebe was suffering in silence and not telling Arron about it. It appears a little bland, and I couldn’t really see the pun (yes, I read Jess’ review on your fic) that was supposed to be intended. Not to mention the fact that I picked up a grammatical mistake in your title, or maybe it wasn’t intended… But shouldn’t it read Lies Hurt More Than The Truth rather than what you’ve named your fic? J
Nevertheless, a rather effective effort, although nothing to really celebrate about.
Poster and Background: 7/10
I have to say that I like the poster and the background. Special mention to the poster, because the whole effect is just so pretty. So melancholic. The small details really make a large difference, because with Arron looking so pensive, complete with the clock and the flowers at the side… I mean it. I wish I had the skill to do up something like that.
Only problem is, I think the poster and background quality doesn’t manage to capture the correct emotional aspects of your fic. It’s a simple tragedy, so keep the poster and background as simple as possible. Even no background would be good here. The poster is displaying overly dramatic undertones and its too dark, something that your story doesn’t focus on.
Foreword: 9/10
Yes! Finally… After numerous attempts, here we have it, the near perfect foreword! You introduced the casts sufficiently for me, although I would have liked that you either did the introduction without the ages (which makes it more clean cut) or gave each character a voice and personality attached to him or her directly in the forward (which gives each of them a distinct character). But what really stands out is the prologue there. It sets the pace of the whole fic, gives people an introduction to your writing style, and like a movie trailer, leads people into the full storytelling.
This is what I call a foreword.
Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Slightly overused, but I like the pairing very much, so I won’t grudge against that. Ariel Lin comes in as a refreshing change, as opposed to Selina or Rainie, so well done there as well. Two things. Firstly, decide whether you want Ariel or Rainie, because the latter’s name pops up in the last chapter instead of Ariel. I believe it was a typo, but that was enough to throw me into a bit of confusion. Characterisation wise, I’d wish it was more fully developed and less narrative in its approach. Characters are different from storylines, and somehow, I didn’t quite sense the distinction in your fic.
Story and Plotting: 9/15
I’m not dreadfully impressed but your story, but I guess it works for me. The story’s really simple, and simplicity works for you. I don’t really know what to say about the plot, because it’s a one-track plot, and this is a one-shot (or two-shot) story. Being short has its merits, but I don’t think you managed to work that out properly enough to pull this off as something outstanding.
It’s a good fic, and it’s obvious that you worked hard to try and bring out the emotional parts of your fic with all the long passages about Arron inside. I liked how you became Hebe and wrote in first person, it gives another dimension to the plot, but the length of the whole thing just came about so quickly that I didn’t even know what hit me by the end of it. Really, I was kind of surprised when Hebe suddenly struck ill and died, just like that. The ending, in particular, was a waste of the whole effect you managed to get in your earlier parts. What a pity.
Like I said, it’s a good fic, it’s just not outstanding.
Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Good command of language, I won’t fault on your choice of words and all that jazz. The story manages to flow along quite well, and it works out for me.
Just keep an eye on the choice of tense. Decide if you want past or present (in your case, it should be past). The mixed up tenses throughout the whole story is just not pretty.
Flow of Story: 6/10
This isn’t too bad either, except for the fast forwarded bits that spoilt the storytelling by the end of the fic. The ending came a little too abruptly, coupled with the realisation that Hebe had heart disease and was going to die. It was just too sudden, I couldn’t handle the speed enough to grapple with the emotions. Choose. Speed, or emotional aspects. If you choose the former, then keep it to a single chapter. If you choose the latter, extend it by one chapter, including a scene in the doctor’s room. It’s just friendly advice, hope you don’t mind. J
Another major gripe that cost you points: the use of flashbacks in your first chapter. I have nothing against flashbacks, but I absolutely detest the use of the term “flashback” in the writing. Use dates, or use your strong command of language to write about a distant memory of Hebe’s. “Flashback” spoils the flow, and it hurts the writing.
Writing Style: 5/5
I like it. Really. I guess some people might just dismiss the style that you adopted as something really emotional, but I suspect my take on your writing might be a little different in perspective. I like it simply because you were almost narrating. There were emotional passages, but those didn’t shine as much as the bits where you write in a very narrative style.
Let me give an example: “That night, I cried myself to sleep.”
Hebe almost deadpans. It’s almost emotional, but it captures so much more than the passage of emotional “why”s and “how”s that follow. It’s succinct, factual, and it manages to bring out the imagery very well. Good job!
Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 9/15
There’s nothing much to creativity that I can talk about, except for the fact that you worked a simple storyline, and the simple storyline worked for you. I haven’t really seen this storyline anywhere on TV, be it in dramas or movies, Taiwanese, TVB or Korean, so I suppose it qualifies as something that’s refreshing, a change from the usual stuff we see around.
Only problem is, I wasn’t terribly impressed, because for some reason, as I was reading your fic, there seemed to be a sense of déjà vu that hit me. It was as if I had seen this somewhere before – it seemed familiar, but then again, it didn’t really look that way. (Am I confusing you? Email if you are. -_-) You see, creativity comes about when your plot and ending is different. With such a plot, you already are being in the Orange region, and you’re doomed to have an ending that’s potentially very predictable. With your ending, you effectively ended up in the ultimate danger zone of becoming clichéd.
But I’m guessing, with your plot, you can’t really conjure up an ending that’s really different from all other fics. Its either she dies, she leaves, they end up together, or she remains heartbroken for the rest of her life. Either of those permutations draws you into the Red zone, and I’ve yet to think of a way to avoid that. So… 9 marks for you.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I enjoyed your fic, really. Despite all the gripes I had about it, it made a good, leisurely read. The good language was a real treat, and I enjoyed reading it.
Pity about the speed, though, and the title that made it look normal.
Bonus marks: 5/5
Linking back to MT: 2 marks.
Replying to readers: 2 marks.
Having the X-factor: 1 mark (on top of your overall enjoyment marks).
Presenting a good read on a lazy afternoon: Priceless.
Total mark: 73.5/100
Additional Comments: A great fic, really! A really earnest attempt at writing something like that. Erm… I’m hoping you could try to approach material that’s slightly more challenging and different, and perhaps have an element in your story apart from the love and romance bit, so that your stories would appear richer and more interesting.
Nevertheless, this is great, and I’m around for more!
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie9/
Reviewed By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title: 6/10
I’m not sure what to make of the title, because I don’t see its obvious link to the story, except, maybe, the fact that Hebe was suffering in silence and not telling Arron about it. It appears a little bland, and I couldn’t really see the pun (yes, I read Jess’ review on your fic) that was supposed to be intended. Not to mention the fact that I picked up a grammatical mistake in your title, or maybe it wasn’t intended… But shouldn’t it read Lies Hurt More Than The Truth rather than what you’ve named your fic? J
Nevertheless, a rather effective effort, although nothing to really celebrate about.
Poster and Background: 7/10
I have to say that I like the poster and the background. Special mention to the poster, because the whole effect is just so pretty. So melancholic. The small details really make a large difference, because with Arron looking so pensive, complete with the clock and the flowers at the side… I mean it. I wish I had the skill to do up something like that.
Only problem is, I think the poster and background quality doesn’t manage to capture the correct emotional aspects of your fic. It’s a simple tragedy, so keep the poster and background as simple as possible. Even no background would be good here. The poster is displaying overly dramatic undertones and its too dark, something that your story doesn’t focus on.
Foreword: 9/10
Yes! Finally… After numerous attempts, here we have it, the near perfect foreword! You introduced the casts sufficiently for me, although I would have liked that you either did the introduction without the ages (which makes it more clean cut) or gave each character a voice and personality attached to him or her directly in the forward (which gives each of them a distinct character). But what really stands out is the prologue there. It sets the pace of the whole fic, gives people an introduction to your writing style, and like a movie trailer, leads people into the full storytelling.
This is what I call a foreword.
Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Slightly overused, but I like the pairing very much, so I won’t grudge against that. Ariel Lin comes in as a refreshing change, as opposed to Selina or Rainie, so well done there as well. Two things. Firstly, decide whether you want Ariel or Rainie, because the latter’s name pops up in the last chapter instead of Ariel. I believe it was a typo, but that was enough to throw me into a bit of confusion. Characterisation wise, I’d wish it was more fully developed and less narrative in its approach. Characters are different from storylines, and somehow, I didn’t quite sense the distinction in your fic.
Story and Plotting: 9/15
I’m not dreadfully impressed but your story, but I guess it works for me. The story’s really simple, and simplicity works for you. I don’t really know what to say about the plot, because it’s a one-track plot, and this is a one-shot (or two-shot) story. Being short has its merits, but I don’t think you managed to work that out properly enough to pull this off as something outstanding.
It’s a good fic, and it’s obvious that you worked hard to try and bring out the emotional parts of your fic with all the long passages about Arron inside. I liked how you became Hebe and wrote in first person, it gives another dimension to the plot, but the length of the whole thing just came about so quickly that I didn’t even know what hit me by the end of it. Really, I was kind of surprised when Hebe suddenly struck ill and died, just like that. The ending, in particular, was a waste of the whole effect you managed to get in your earlier parts. What a pity.
Like I said, it’s a good fic, it’s just not outstanding.
Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Good command of language, I won’t fault on your choice of words and all that jazz. The story manages to flow along quite well, and it works out for me.
Just keep an eye on the choice of tense. Decide if you want past or present (in your case, it should be past). The mixed up tenses throughout the whole story is just not pretty.
Flow of Story: 6/10
This isn’t too bad either, except for the fast forwarded bits that spoilt the storytelling by the end of the fic. The ending came a little too abruptly, coupled with the realisation that Hebe had heart disease and was going to die. It was just too sudden, I couldn’t handle the speed enough to grapple with the emotions. Choose. Speed, or emotional aspects. If you choose the former, then keep it to a single chapter. If you choose the latter, extend it by one chapter, including a scene in the doctor’s room. It’s just friendly advice, hope you don’t mind. J
Another major gripe that cost you points: the use of flashbacks in your first chapter. I have nothing against flashbacks, but I absolutely detest the use of the term “flashback” in the writing. Use dates, or use your strong command of language to write about a distant memory of Hebe’s. “Flashback” spoils the flow, and it hurts the writing.
Writing Style: 5/5
I like it. Really. I guess some people might just dismiss the style that you adopted as something really emotional, but I suspect my take on your writing might be a little different in perspective. I like it simply because you were almost narrating. There were emotional passages, but those didn’t shine as much as the bits where you write in a very narrative style.
Let me give an example: “That night, I cried myself to sleep.”
Hebe almost deadpans. It’s almost emotional, but it captures so much more than the passage of emotional “why”s and “how”s that follow. It’s succinct, factual, and it manages to bring out the imagery very well. Good job!
Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 9/15
There’s nothing much to creativity that I can talk about, except for the fact that you worked a simple storyline, and the simple storyline worked for you. I haven’t really seen this storyline anywhere on TV, be it in dramas or movies, Taiwanese, TVB or Korean, so I suppose it qualifies as something that’s refreshing, a change from the usual stuff we see around.
Only problem is, I wasn’t terribly impressed, because for some reason, as I was reading your fic, there seemed to be a sense of déjà vu that hit me. It was as if I had seen this somewhere before – it seemed familiar, but then again, it didn’t really look that way. (Am I confusing you? Email if you are. -_-) You see, creativity comes about when your plot and ending is different. With such a plot, you already are being in the Orange region, and you’re doomed to have an ending that’s potentially very predictable. With your ending, you effectively ended up in the ultimate danger zone of becoming clichéd.
But I’m guessing, with your plot, you can’t really conjure up an ending that’s really different from all other fics. Its either she dies, she leaves, they end up together, or she remains heartbroken for the rest of her life. Either of those permutations draws you into the Red zone, and I’ve yet to think of a way to avoid that. So… 9 marks for you.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I enjoyed your fic, really. Despite all the gripes I had about it, it made a good, leisurely read. The good language was a real treat, and I enjoyed reading it.
Pity about the speed, though, and the title that made it look normal.
Bonus marks: 5/5
Linking back to MT: 2 marks.
Replying to readers: 2 marks.
Having the X-factor: 1 mark (on top of your overall enjoyment marks).
Presenting a good read on a lazy afternoon: Priceless.
Total mark: 73.5/100
Additional Comments: A great fic, really! A really earnest attempt at writing something like that. Erm… I’m hoping you could try to approach material that’s slightly more challenging and different, and perhaps have an element in your story apart from the love and romance bit, so that your stories would appear richer and more interesting.
Nevertheless, this is great, and I’m around for more!
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr
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