So Your Roomate Is A Pervert?

Title: So Your Roomate Is A Pervert?
Author: Lamer_

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lamer_001

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
Since it’s a challenge fic, I don’t I have the right to comment about the title at all.

Poster&Background
As with the title, I do recongise that the poster/background was universal for all that particular challenge so it isn’t justified for me to comment.

Foreword: 6/10
I had a little problem giving marks for this foreword. I do recongise that the forewords was a pretty good attempt in introducing suspense. But I don’t think the command of the language brings out the emotions in me. So basically the low side of the marking is more due to the language than the content.

Cast Used: 1/4
I can’t exactly comment on your choice or characters, because Chun/Ella is already fixed in the poster. So I will take away 1 mark for the choice of characters, making the total upon 4 in instead of 5.

Well ,I was actually quite impressed by the characterization of Hebe and Jiro at first. I liked how Jiro kept begging Hebe to let Chun live. It was actually very realistic. All the praises that flow in just because you want someone to do something for you. Again, like the forewords, your language don’t seem to be able to bring out some of the things you have in your head, which I personally felt it was a pity.

But I had a little problem after Chun came into the picture. From Jiro’s explanation, I was expecting a very perverted Chun, but there were two problems. I didn’t think Chun was very perverted. Second, I feel that your characterization isn’t very sustained throughout the fic. It actually felt like you forgot that Chun was a pervert in some chapters and so you decided to forcefully add some pervertic things he does in the next chapter.

Another problem I had was the introduction of so many characters in the fic. Was it really necessary to give all of them boyfriends? Besides Hebe/Jiro and possibly David whom I understand their roles in the story, I don’t exactly see why the rest of the “gang” should be in the story. It felt like a name dropping session.

Unimpressed.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
Don’t mind the harshness. But what originality? Nothing out of the box, yes, even the Ella had a sad childhood part didn’t exactly appeal to me either.

Story&Plotting: 7.5/15
Well, I can’t fail you in this section because I know what is going on in the fic. But there are a few major flaws. It kinda crosses with the cast section actually. So yea. Firstly it’s the character problem which I mentioned in the cast section. Your characters are not consistent at all.

Secondly, I had a problem with how SUDDENLY Chun fall in love with Ella and vice versa. I am not sure whether you intended it or not but it made both Chun and Ella sounded pretty desperate for a partner. Logically speaking, I don’t think anyone can fall in love with someone THAT fast after such a heartbreaking epiodes which you later introduced.

Thirdly, Jiro used to like Ella? And still asked Hebe to be a girlfriend? Er. In a nice way, I would say that Jiro is well, weird. In a bad way, he’s an idiot. I mean you are saying Jiro can like two people at the same time? I call it an emotional fallacy, you can have a crush on someone and love someone at the same time, but not love two people at the same time.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10

I am actually only at chapter 1 and I realized that your grammar is causing a lot of problems. It’s not THAT bad such that the reader (me) cannot understand what is going on, but it is enough to irritate me.

One thing to note though, the FULLSTOPS! It kinda got me a little -_- when I see an overdose of …. When it is not needed. Maybe this is just me.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
I am actually using the same paragraph as one of my previous reviews. It pretty much sums up what I want to say.

I understand the story. But like I have said in the story & plotting section, it's way too choppy and I don't see how people can like the person within the snap of my fingers. One thing to add though, I don't think anyone can score well for flow if the story/plotting is not very well done as these two are pretty much linked.

Writing Style: 2/5
Well, I don’t think there’s much of a style from you.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10
I did not enjoy your fic, personally. So there goes. Then again, it’s hard to get me to enjoy a fic, so well.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For daring to let me review your fic although you know I would be ruthless. I guess you really wanted to learn. So that’s a big PLUS. And I can see that you actually some nice ideas in your head. There’s something very honest and down to earth about your fic that I liked. And I think you deserve some bonus marks because I can see that you tried. And well, I think your language was subtly also dragged down your marks in like plotting and cast so I think I should repay that back.

Total mark: 35.5/79 (~45/100)

Additional comments:
You don’t hate me after this right? You still love me right, boss :P Anyhows, like I have said throughout the review, I think the major problem is your language. When your linguistic ablities isn’t as good, it pretty much hides away other good parts of your fic. Is like having a lousy pen when writing. No matter how good your handwriting is, somehow the final product won’t be as good as it should be.


Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)