Disjointed Souls

Title: Disjointed Souls
Author: xuewen
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xuewen3/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 7/10
Good work on the title, although… I guess things work this way. You see an author, check up on her previous works, and make a relative comparison of things, then grade based on that. I do exactly that for all my reviews (which is why I take sooooo long), and somehow, “Disjointed Souls” doesn’t strike me as particularly intelligent as compared to the rest. And you’ve a couple of marks off for the fact that this screams “dark fic”. I don’t exactly get what it is about dark fics that causes something to explode in my brain, but I know that when I saw your title, that something exploded.

Nevertheless, a good effort (although you’ll be seeing more of the consequences of that explosion as this review continues).

Poster and Background: 9/10
I like your poster, and I like the emotional quality this one captures. Rarely do you see posters that actually match the quality and theme of the writing; sometimes the posters fail the writing, but more often than not… The writing fails the poster. But yours manages to complement each other nicely. The poster provides an entry for the fic to come in, and sets the mood for the story. The story, on the other hand, provides a support for the poster that doesn’t collapse as it goes along. Only flaw of this being the lack of the slightly (inferred) violent nature of the fic. Chun looks simply too nice in the poster for this one.

And contrary to what Jess has to complain about your background, I prefer it without. Backgrounds are clumsy, and yours is better off without one. :) Oh yes, colour scheme is something of a genius as well.

Foreword: 8/10
I must say that this is slightly misleading, because I would have judged based on the Forewords itself and given you a 0. As for the proper foreword written in the first chapter itself, very good. It runs well, it elicits questions from the reader, and it makes everyone slightly confused, but not confused enough to stop reading. Good job.

Only problem is, as with all forewords, introduce your cast.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 5/5
Feels good to be able to give full marks again! I like your cast, but that aside, I LOVE your characterisation. I like the way you actually chapters and chapters writing about what’s inside the character’s rather than what’s happening outside them, and I love to death Chapter 6, which chronicles Chun’s internal struggle. Such wonderful characterisation and such strong personalities are already rare in fics, and add to that the fact that each and every one of them is unique, AND believable.

Heck, I’d give you 6 if I could.

Story and Plotting: 10/15
Good news first. You obviously had a story in your head before you began writing this, and you obviously did it justice when you put your pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). The planning shows up very obviously, and it serves you well in the later chapters of the plot. The story idea is a refreshing change from the so many love stories out there, and the way you write it is just… One of a kind.

But this story posed a real dilemma for me. I wasn’t quite sure how to grade this, because firstly, you had short chapter lengths that managed to hold my attention chapter after chapter, and increase the “gripping” factor of the fic (since it’s short, and short means clean and riveting). But your long passages that revolved around one subject by the time we hit the middle chapters began to fail you a little. Short chapters, yes, but multiple short chapters on one topic, in this case Ella’s internal unhappiness, amounts to one long chapter, which brings us all back to square one. I realise what you were trying to do, and yes, those chapters did contribute to the character development, but I thought they were just overly draggy, and if not for the language, I’d have skipped them all.

Not to mention the fact that I have a personal dislike for dark fics, and this one is a prime example of a dark fic. Tried not to let personal preferences get in the way, but because I don’t prefer them, I can’t connect well with your story, and I just don’t feel it.

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/10
Sterling language! Just a half mark off for a tiny grammar mistake here and there; I spotted one in Chapter 6, where there was a confusion of tenses. But nevertheless, the language was the best part of the whole fic.

Flow of Story: 7.5/10
I’ve mentioned earlier already, that it was an issue because you had passages and passages of emotional stuff coming up, sometimes with the plot moving slowly, and sometimes allowing the plot to zoom past. Character development and plot becomes a seesaw balance that’s really difficult to find. I think you’re almost there, just watch how it might affect the flow of the story sometimes.

Writing Style: 5/5
Great work! I like how you deliver the one-liners so well, because they add to the whole tension that the fic is supposed to bring about. Your style for the fic is clean, gripping and it removes the narrative from a narrative (if you know what I mean), as well as the fact that you managed to inject a bit of dry, cynical humour into the whole thing. Really, what a great style.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 10/15
This story idea is fresh, interesting and creative. Yes, granted, I’ve seen such fics around somewhere, but I don’t think anyone has presented it in such a manner as you have. Dark fics keep appearing, but no one really works it as well as you do. Nevertheless, I was hoping for a bit more edge from Chun’s character, which would have done well juxtaposed against the angst of Ella. And not to mention I need that little bit more of plot, which of course, I can’t really judge now because it’s incomplete (and standing incomplete since forever. =.=)

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
This is the first fic of such a nature that I can actually said to have enjoyed. OK, I skipped some bits, but overall, it was such an enjoyable read. The short chapters really served you well, because I have such a short attention span that it’s unbelievable, and the short chapters allowed me to whiz through them then instantly find out what was going to happen next.

Enjoyment was marred by the fact that well, I didn’t love the concept of the fic to start with, and secondly, simply because it wasn’t complete, which meant that I’m left pathetically hanging here. Haha.

Bonus marks: 2/5
One mark for X-factor, and one for… kind of replying to your readers.

Total mark: 81/100

Additional Comments: Well done, good job! In comparison to another of your fic (haha), I’d say I don’t really like this one much, but I’m hoping you’d actually continue with it and don’t leave anyone hanging. Much as it is a little strange for me, I’d love to see the resolution in the end.

Anyway, good luck, and see you around. :)

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr