From, Anonymous

Title: From, Anonymous
Author: sn0wiie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sn0wiie_anony/
Reviewed By: Keleos

NOTE: This is a challenge fic, there’re sections I can’t and won’t review.

First Impressions
Title: -/10
Just as a comment, this title is brilliant. Really brilliant. Kudos to whoever created the challenge. :)

Poster and Background: -/10

Foreword: 3/10
English is fine. But your forewords only spell one word to me:

Blah.

Forewords are supposed to impact, and yours didn’t. In fact, I began to suspect what you were actually setting out to do. I don’t know what you were thinking when you were writing that foreword, but I’m sure I don’t really want to know.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 2/5
Hebe and Danson, no issues. As usual, I won’t have issues on who you cast, but more on… How you cast them. I saw no characterisation in the story at all, only copy and paste personalities from the millions and millions of dramas out there. PLEASE. If you thought you could get away with that, think again. Try this for an experiment: Read your fic again, and try to imagine Hebe and Danson as your friends.

Can you? No? Let me tell you why. It’s simply because they’re so simple, so one-track, so one-dimensional that they don’t even SEEM human. Think about it, and seriously try to write with a bit more sincerity.

Story and Plotting: 2/15
I really don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but this isn’t funny anymore. I realise that I’m being extremely mean by using such a tone with you, and it isn’t civil, but I’m really rather irritated at how you managed to write such a story (for a Challenge, no less) and send it in for review! There’re no commandments for writing a good of bad story, but if there were, you would have probably flipped them all. For a start, you were trying to squeeze too much into a single, one-shot story. Number two, there’re a bunch of clichés in there that would have had been terribly easy to spot out. Number three, and most importantly, there’s a crowd (and I really mean a large crowd) of details in there that’s not even necessary.

What’s with the start and Hebe being this poor, desolate girl? What’s with Hebe witnessing the murder then becoming tensed up? What’s with Danson suddenly realising he was head over heels in love with Hebe? At the end of the whole fic, it’s not just inadequacy that I feel, it’s a sense that your logic doesn’t even stack up, and doesn’t even make sense.

And the thing that really cost you. This is a Challenge fic. The purpose of a Challenge is to write according to your given title, something which I really didn’t see happening right here. Granted, you wrote about Hebe flying a paper aeroplane to Danson, but that was about it. The title became another unnecessary detail in the plot, and your relevance of story to title just fell apart.

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
This isn’t bad. :) I caught a couple of grammatical mistakes here and there, as well as spelling errors in the fic, but I don’t think it’s of much consequence here. Just keep an eye on the tone you’re using for your characters, keep it casual formal instead of colloquial. And one more thing, refrain from the strange expressions you tend to use: “all the students ran out of the class like bullets”. It’s strangely phrased and out of place, so watch it.

Flow of Story: 3/10
This occurred too quickly for me. It’s a one-shot, so treat it like a one-shot and don’t try to cram all the strange details in. The whole piece of writing becomes a piece that’s particularly shapeless in style, because there’s no characterisation, no viable storyline that’s interesting, and it turns into a mess of events that doesn’t appeal.

If I wanted narration of events, I’d read a history textbook. Fics are meant to entertain.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
Well, not much of an issue here, except for the fact that the problems really get to me after a while. The style is consistent, though, so that’s not really a problem. Everything just kind of zoomed past in a flash.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 0/15
This plot is overused. Really. ‘Nuff said.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
I really didn’t enjoy this at all simply because of the fact that I felt no form of sincerity coming from it. I know you’re probably going to tell me that you’ve put effort into writing this, but no, I don’t feel it at all. Instead, I have on my hands a piece of writing that resembles a story, but it’s not really a story because of the lack of details that it has, and the lack of a proper storyline.

This title in the Challenge gave you a lot of room for character development and story ideas. Instead, you chose to ignore the title and the potential served up to you in the face, and write something that doesn’t suit it. AND on top of that, is extremely clichéd. I don’t like this one bit.

I’d suggest… Write something that you’d be proud of. Really. You shouldn’t be proud of this one.

Bonus marks: 0/5
None for linking back to MT, replying your readers and X-factor. :(

Total mark: 21.5/80 ≈ 27/100

Additional Comments: Once again, I don’t have a terribly habit of giving out bad reviews, and I try to push marks up if the fic appears to me as sincere and earnest (look at some of my previous reviews). If you’re flippant, I don’t see why I have to be nice about it, and there you go.

In all honesty, yes, I’m a little irritated that I have to review this, because well, I just don’t like to waste my time on something that’s barely worth that time. I know you’ve read my fics, and I see you around a lot, so I really mean to be honest with this review.

So… I’m hoping this doesn’t deter you from continuing to write, and I guess… Only if you write can you improve.

Here’s wishing you the best of luck.

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr