Here in the shadows..

Title: Here in the shadows..

Author: by ILikeGrapes

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ilikegrapes4/

Reviewed by: bahh

Title: 7/10

Well, first I have to congratulate you for you have successfully portrayed a suspenseful idea of your fanfic from your title. ‘Shadows’ is a pretty word and does hold deep definition itself. It means darkness, and can also reflect shelter; protection.
A slight disappointment brushed across me when I realized your chapters aren’t titled. I personally
prefer to see meaningful but not necessarily fanciful sub-titles along the way which should not give away anything to readers about what will be expectable of from that very chapter. A little suggestion would be love songs for sub-titles or even short phrases. It gives better quality to your overall work and also shows a certain degree of depth from the author.

Poster&Background: 8.5/10

The poster was lovely and nice.. Very much suit the theme of the story..

Foreword: 6/10

I really liked your analysis for your title in the forewords, which is good for you have linked your forewords back to your title, making it relevant and give the audience a better understanding of the meaning of the ‘Shadows’ used here. However, I don’t think it is advisable to START off a foreword with a word from you.

It would be a better choice if only you had started by writing the title of your ff again, and following up with a few statements enhancing the mood or kind of scenes readers can expect or even the kind of thoughts the characters would most likely be having later and during. I would then propose for you to insert the overview or a scene from the story to give your reader a better idea of what is what and who is who.

This is ONLY a guideline I think you should start developing your own style of writing a foreword for a foreword is what readers would READ first before clicking on Chapter one. What comes first needs to be attractive enough to captivate them so as to keep them YOUR readers and I believe, readers will comment only on either what they thought is good or for the other extreme reason. (Get what I’m hinting at?)

Another thing, I thought it would have gained you some marks, if you had included details about your cast. As for, not those bulleting form, but a few purposeful statements or quotes to ‘illustrate’ the kind of personality the character has for your story. I didn’t mean for you to give away too much but I think just a sentence or two would give readers a better image of the characters. For an example, you may wanna try looking at trailers. I’m sure you’ll get what I mean for trailers give a really suspenseful idea of the character without giving away any important things in the story and this would definitely make your readers more curious and wanna click on the ‘NEXT’ button to go to Chapter one.

One good point, I see improvement from your previous ff’s forewords, keep it up and you’ll fare even better. And for this, I’m gonna award marks for your good progress. Keep this up, serious.

Cast Used: 4/5

Although Aaron and Hebe is pretty common, I thought I have no reasons to cut you down on that pairing since they really does make a good pair, in a way if not the others. I thought Hebe suited the role pretty well.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15

Seriously, this Cancer-kind of ff is rather typical and too-common-in-winglin to be close to healthy, especially leukemia. I’m not saying anything but I think this makes you lose some precious marks in this sector for creativity and originality is lacking, obviously. And, I thought distorting lunch money from little kids is rather common in sight as well.

And thus, once you have stated ‘"Hand over your lunch money shrimp..." The tall, mean eight year old demanded as I cowered in a corner.’ Readers already know that Aaron is going to come and appear as a super hero and ‘save’ Hebe from the bullies and thus, it lacks surprises and it would makes your story rather expected and unnecessarily ‘in control’.

I would suggest you to improve via brainstorming for new ideas and try to avoid extremely dramatic scenes or those scenes ‘cropped’/originated from those idol-dramas. Try listening to songs and imagine and then visualize. It will really help you to get your very own original plot and from there, can you modify and thus, enhance your ‘creativity’ for scenes.

Story&Plotting: 10/15

The Storyline is pretty typical, as I said before, but I can see effort in planning it out. Nothing much to say here since I think I’ve already pointed out most of your problems from previously.
However, I’m awarding you marks for I can really see a thoroughly planned work here, displayed before me. Good job, and keep it up.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

You have a powerful language with little spelling mistakes and minute typo errors which should be pardonable. However, I find that you don’t really make use of words with deeper meaning. All I see is superficial words with elementary meanings and definition. No Synopsis, no phrasal verbs.

This allows your story to be clean and simple, but also because of the simple words used, you tend to lack feelings and it makes it rather hard to reach the hearts. The plot itself is really tragic but you need more profound words to help aid you in conveying what are inside your mind.
I can see that you have a lot to say, but it was a real pity to not put them into words and let readers understand the scenes in your mind. Next time, try describing the scenes more and you’ll be better.

Flow Of Story: 4/10

As I read on, you tend of switch between the narrators pretty often, somehow. And this would disrupt the readers by cutting them off after they finally settled own on a particular character’s mindset. And I wonder if it is just me, I felt that everything is really on a fast-forward version. It’s like I’m viewing a movie on an x2 speed.

It gives the readers a feeling that it ends even before the reader starts to warm up. And somehow, this would make readers scroll down really fast.

I wasn’t implying that your chapters are short, in fact they are off reasonable length, but I thought you need to strengthen on your description so as to allow your story to flow better. Sometimes, the surroundings are very important. Likewise, when you watch a movie, I’m sure you won’t have the whole 2-3 hours watching the characters just do talking.

There are scenes of the surroundings, the people around them, the little little things that will make the story flow better. (I.E. Dew that fell of the young and fresh leaf of the Hibiscus, ironically resembled the tear that glistered in her eyes). Try to involve the background.

Writing Style: 2/5

I think you seriously lack descriptive words, not meaning adverbs, but phrases. I don’t see you describing anything except the speech and actions. I thought a deeper description which would be able to touch hearts better. Your writing style is very easy to read for there is not much paragraphing but this also means you lack description.

And most of the time, you can impress people and give readers a better idea of the scene by adding descriptions, be it in short paragraphs or even in a few sentences.

I.E:
(She walked, as the rain hit her, sending cold into her bones yet another overwhelming chill gust out from the heart.)

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

It was a short and typical story but I didn’t have to urge to stop reading, so, I’ll pass you. You’ve written the Story in a rather simple way yet is able of showing the turmoil Hebe was feeling from each time after Aaron gets her to do something for his girlfriend. I like the sweet ending and the idea of an epilogue, which is cute. The sweet life after they realized true love is pretty.
The only thing lacking severely is descriptions, and I believe I have been emphasizing on this enough. Another thing is the font colour, you seriously should consider changing it for it really hurts the eyes. And I need to highlight everything in order to read the dark purple words against the black Backgound. Try changing it to light grey or something, it may help. All the best.

Bonus marks: 3/5

One mark for your credit to your designer and site, and one mark to your thank-you list and another for fast updates.

Total mark: 65.5/100

Additional Comments :
Well, actually, I enjoyed reading this, but you might need to enhance on your description part and maybe the forewords ^^ Try to develop your own style of writing and hereby, I shall wish you the best of luck. You can be really good, I strongly believed so. Try to use more creative plots too and some unexpected turns in the story would be great too. All the best and continue to write.