It All Started At The Police Station

Title: It All Started At The Police Station
Author: purrfection
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/police_station/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title : 7/10
Well, the title’s apt for the story as Jolin and Jay’s lovestory did begin at the police station. But it’s a tad boring though and lacking the spark.

Poster&Background: 9/10
I liked the poster a lot. It’s definitely pretty and the workmanship is excellent. The only problem I had with the poster is rather the theme. Your fic seems to be more of a comedy/light hearted fic, but the colour scheme and the general feel of the poster didn’t seem so to me.

Foreword: 2/10
Okay, so you are trying to say that your story is not anormal story? Well, it may not be normal but it is not creative at all (refer to creativity section). It had no introduction of characters, no stunning catchline etc. Basically, there is nothing in this forewords besides a vain attempt to be creative.

Cast Used: 2/5
Jolin and Jay with Hebe and Arron are both safe combinations. So choice of cast I don’t have a problem with it. But your characterization is lacking and can be a little troubling. Pardon my personal prejudices, but in one of your earlier chapters, I recalled something on the line of Jay jumping. That did not really fit with my impression of Jay.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that all you did was to fit in your characters into some preconceived idea of your story that is possibly shaped by your exposure to idol dramas and other fics. What I mean is that, you want an arguing couple. You think of the scene, you throw in the character names without caring about the more practical aspects of making acharacter alive to the readers. And it shows. I am simply change the names of the characters in mid story and no one would know the difference. Arron and Jay sound alike. Hebe and Jolin sound alike. They are so 2-D.

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
This is possibly the most fatal part about your story. The only part of your story that was seemingly creative was the fact that Jolin and Jay thought they stole each other’s wallet. But that again seems to be pretty familiar either.

Your fic had all the makings of a typical Winglin fic. You have the normal double J pairings, Hebe and Arron as a sidepairing. Jolin and Jay was the Ella and Chun of the CE fics, Da S and Jerry Yan for MG fics. Hebe and Arron was something on the lines of a side, sweet pairing. Then third parties appear. Relationship gets threatened. Then the problem was resolved and everything was made anew!

And I thought of the plot even before I finished reading the story.

Trust me, I was very tempted to give you a 0 for this section. But I decided it wasn’t too nice. I wanted to give 1, but I decided 2 is nicer because I have always preferred even numbers.

Story&Plotting:6/15
Okay granted. You do have a plot. But it is a) Boring (refer to creativity section) and b) doesn’t make sense. While I can understand Hebe and Arron was a “love at first sight” but exchanging numbers like that seemed atad far stretched for me. Especially when they are at a police station bailingout their friends. I felt Hebe and Arron’s proposal was a little too rash as well.

In general, your story lacks necessary elaborations which make the plot a little underdeveloped. For example, I believe more emotions could be described of Jolin when she saw Jay kissing Patty. It would also be a good way to help in the characterization .

Also, with regards to this particular episode as well, I don’t get how Jolin can forgive Jay who kissed Patty at the snap of the fingers. I mean, she did saw Jay kissing Patty right? And unless I missed something while I was reading, this whole incident was barely clarified. I have the same problem with Ariel. What ever happened to Ariel? She kind of disappeared? Oh. And Peggy. What happened to her as well?

I might a little too traditional but Arron bending hiss knees to ask Hebe to be his girlfriend seems a little exaggerated. I have always associated kneeing with marriage proposal. In face that whole proposal thing sounded exactly like a marriage proposal rather than a confessional session.

On a personal note, I think you could have merged some of your chapters together into one because some of the short chapters seem a little pointless.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:5/10
I understand you. The only problem is that you have some really funny usage of words. For example, “Her hair was in curls and bunloosely with tendrils like hair falling out” didn’t sound very right to me, Or

Flow Of Story: 5/10
Okay. I had a big problem with this. Flow and plot do come hand in hand with each other and while generally I have no problem with understanding your story, you had logical gaps which I had addressed in the plot section.

Writing Style: 3/5
Not exactly my thing. It had too many dialogues and too little descriptions and reminded me of an improved version of the imfamous “script” format. Maybe more descriptions may help. I did not detect any writer’s style per say either but I appreciated the little humours that you injected into the other wise monotonous story. I also liked the little 3rd person comments like “Sweet huh? Aaron and Hebe, Jay and Jolin are two VERY DIFFERENT types of couple” as they spiced up the story. A word of caution though, these 3rd person viewpoints are only acceptable in light hearted fics, a deep, serious fic with elements like that may serve as a mood spoiler more than a writing style.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
Minus the occasional little humours, I did not enjoy your story at all. In fact, I was bored out by your story that I can’t couldn’t finish reading it in one sitting.

Bonus marks: 1/5
For trying. For the little laughters/giggles that you gave me.

Total mark: 44/100

Additional comments:
I am hoping you’re discouraged by my comments. Plot wise Ireally had a big problem with it, but minus it, you language is understandable, perhaps writing more and thinking of more interesting plots (which comes from reading more perhaps) will be a good way to improve yourself as a writer overall.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)