Love and Instinct

Title: Love and Instinct
Author: Rin
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Rin1
Reviewed By: Sheepoling

Title: 7/10

Basically, when I grade the title, I will look at three aspects. The first being format, second being relevance and lastly, appeal.

This title is very neat and clean which gives your potential readers a no nonsense impression which is good. Also, there isn’t any language mistake in the title itself which is a basic requirement but sometimes not met. I thought you have made clear how your title is relevant to the story and so I will give you full marks for relevance of the title.

However, I think you can work on appeal. A title is very important in attracting readers for it is the first thing potential readers will notice. By using the word ‘Love’, you have already lost part of the attention of these readers. Love in titles is too overused and you are self-penalizing when choosing to present that idea in its most basic form, which is the word. Also, the choosing of words in the title lacks freshness and will not be able to arouse interest very easily. As appeal is a very important aspect of a title, I will penalize three marks from this component.

Poster & Background: 7/10

For posters, I’m really particular about the relevance of it to the story. Of course, I will also consider the aesthetic appeal of the poster and the clarity of the words against the background.

I thought that the poster was able to portray the idea of the unusual and quaint fibers that make up the story. The green-orange color scheme sets the mood right. However, I didn’t really like the pictures featuring the characters. If I am not mistaken, there were too JaeJoong featured in the poster which didn’t make much sense. You might want to add in the other stakeholders in the story like Yamapi. Also, it would be better if the two Maki pictures you have chosen were distinctly different to bring out the two different identities, Miyuki and Maki. I would hence take three marks off this aspect.

As for aesthetic appeal, the poster was beautiful. The color scheme was not very often encountered and the overall layout of the poster is well-balanced. The font color was also easily discernible against the background so overall; it is reader-friendly and appealing.

Foreword: 8/10

The foreword is a very important part of the story as it gives the setting. I do not restrict people with what they decide to include in the foreword as long as it is justified. Generally, I will look at the clarity in expressing your ideas, the usefulness of the forewords and the ability of the forewords to sustain interest in your readers.

You have chosen to give a character background in your foreword which I do not object to. I think it was quite well done as your foreword could communicate the different ideas of the characters pretty well and gives quite an insight to the characters. It was hence very useful in allowing the readers to understand the different behaviors of the character (e.g. Maki-Miyuki DID), which I thought would contribute to the logic of this story. I also liked how you left people hanging with Yamapi but it was not really necessary and pretty random. If you have chosen more strategically, which characters you would not elaborate (for example, you could have done an introduction with Miyuki without elaborating much), it would have been more impactful. However, it has managed to keep your readers sufficiently interested to read on.

Cast Used: 3.5/5

Even though the component is titled ‘Cast Used’, I am also looking out for characterization and it takes up most of the marks over here.

I loved how you had a Korean male lead and a Japanese female lead. Although I am not very clear about the Korean or Japanese based stories, it was quite a bold move to mix the both and I thought it was done quite well as the characters do look quite matching. Full marks for that!

The characterization was also very evident in your foreword but it was not very distinct in your further chapters. I can clearly see the difference between Yunho and most of the other characters as he plays the sensible one in the story but for JaeJoong, Yamapi and Jin, it was not very clear. JaeJoong’s character tend to be a little hard to understand ( I don’t understand why will he go philandering around even if he knew that he couldn’t force Miyuki to be Maki and want to go overseas, isn’t he only doing so to numb his pain for his loss of Maki?). As for Yamapi and Jin, they seem quite close in nature with the jokes and sometimes, Jin resembles Yunho. It will be better if you would make each character unique and develop them by showing more of their thoughts (how they look at things). So I guess I will take off 1.5 here.

Originality & Creativity: 7.5/15

Originality and creativity can be seen from different aspects of the story. I will generally dissect this section into four areas: Start, Progression, Ending and Presentation. However, as there is no ending for this story, I will not mark down in that area.

I thought the starting idea was pretty common. The whole emotionally wounded man starts being a philandering jerk was quite over used. Well, maybe not that specific idea, I was talking more on emotionally injured individuals starting to act in the complete opposite manner. Also, you give the impression that this story is going to be about an amnesia girl (even though you did clarify that it isn’t) and that isn’t going to sustain the interest of your readers.

However, the progression did take me with surprise. The idea of the schizophrenic girl is relatively refreshing as compared to amnesia but still, that idea was not extremely new or innovative as many other stories are featuring this. Hence, you’ll stand to lose out if you base your story solely on this aspect.

When I speak about presentation, I am actually speaking of the selection and order of events you feature in your story. Basically, it means how well you are performing your role as the director of your story. I would say that your presentation is quite moderate and you have been quite selective in what events you will include. It is good for it allows your reader to see your point and remain interested in the story. I also like how you misled your readers to think that it might be a story on Maki suffering from amnesia as it will make the revelation that it was DID instead more impactful. However, you could have been bolder and choose more subtle or less experimented ways of releasing information instead of just giving it so directly (e.g. telling the readers that it is DID). It is always good to play on the readers’ imagination.

Story & Plotting: 10/15

The story and plotting is very crucial in the success of a story and I would focus on the direction of the story, the logic, how meticulous you were with details and finally, the effort I see you put into the story.

The direction of the story is very clear and it is obvious that you’ve been laying the path leading up to the crux of the story (I’m not sure if it is the climax though). There haven’t been any fillers which will totally ruin a story and your readers were clearly able to follow through your thoughts and the whole progression of events. Good job with that.

You have also justified the acts of your various characters and your reasons have been logical. The possibility of this story in the context you set in was a hundred percent and it will be able to make your readers more able to empathize with the various characters in the story. I loved how you have made use of tiny little details like Maki’s history of childhood abuse and the tattoo to open up the window of thought in your readers. I can see your effort in planning the story out and it is generally great.

However, closer to the more recent updates, I felt that you seem to lose some of the clarity in thought. You were trying to show the complications of such a situation but I thought you should have done so in a more systematic way. It was quite weird that you have JaeJoong accepting the fact that he had to call his Maki, Miyuki when Yunho asked Miyuki to give JaeJoong a chance. I thought it would have been more reasonable if you let JaeJoong have slip-ups with the names and show more emotional struggle between his brain and his heart (his heart will be telling him that it is Maki while his brain telling him that it is Miyuki).

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6.5/10

Other than the above three aspects, punctuation will also be discussed in this component.
Good job with spelling for I have not managed to spot any spelling errors so far in the story. You might want to work to build up your vocabulary though; it seemed rather limited but at least, you have not misused any words and your level of vocabulary is above average (by Winglin standards).

The grammar started out good but closer to the end, I began to spot more mistakes with tenses and phrasing. I thought you might want to check your work before posting it up to reduce these careless mistakes. Also, I didn’t like how you spammed your story with multiple …… Sometimes, a full stop will be adequate. You might also want to include other forms punctuations to enhance the effect of the story.

Flow of Story: 8/10

For the flow of story, I will be looking out for the pace and your transition of events. I loved the pace of your story; it wasn’t too rushed and also wasn’t too draggy, allowing your readers ample time to think through. Good job for that. The transitions of your events were also generally good except in the more recent chapters. That is where I could see that you were slightly unclear about your direction. However, even though it was a bit bumpy and abrupt at the latest chapters, the transition was on the whole, quite fluid and enjoyable.

Writing Style: 4/5

I usually put my attention on your writing type, professionalism and my preference in this component.

It was good that you have chosen a narrative format. The dialogues were appropriate and you have given a fair amount of descriptions in the story. However, I wasn’t very pleased that you have brackets in the middle of the story as author notes. It is distracting and my ruin the reading experience at times. It will be much appreciated if you leave all your author notes to the end of the story and denote any areas of doubt with asterisks so it will facilitate your readers in getting back at these areas.

For this sort of story, I would prefer to see a narrative format (which you have done so) and it was quite pleasing to see how you were quite to the point. It gives a good feeling to your readers as you were quite balanced with descriptions and dialogue.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10

It was quite an engaging piece of work and you’ve worked to sustain the interest of your readers by injecting humor in the actions of the story that will alleviate the seriousness and complicated nature of the focus of your story (the DID and its impacts). Personally, though, I felt that this story was quite on the surface and you have not make use of hidden meanings, irony or puns which have made the story more full and enjoyable. It does, though not very effectively, keep me interested enough to finish the story as it was quite a clean and easily absorbed story. This story, sadly, fails to leave a deep impression on me and I do not think it stands out from many of the more special plotlines and could hardly evoke much emotion in your readers. It felt more like a table outlining the different complications and the cause. Using a term in geography, it is like a Hilda taba table.

Not particularly effective in satisfying my requirements for a hearty read but at least it was not a painful experience as you have been good with your language and expressions. Try working on bringing in the emotions of your readers. The highest level will be to let your readers feel as though they were the characters (that’s how people cry when they read stories).

Bonus marks: 2.5/5

I commend you for interacting with your readers with your author’s notes and replying to their comments. I also liked how you sometimes showed the happenings of the previous chapter at the top of the next chapter as it will allow your reader to refresh their memory.

However, you might want to be more consistent with your format and also, if you want to show what happened previously, do it for all the chapters and not only for some. I like to see a more regular format and not one that changes from chapter to chapter.

Total mark: 67/100

Additional comments:

This story achieved the basic requirement of a story but it fails to pull in emotions and lacks the x-factor. You can work more on trying to spice up your story and it will help in making your work better. Keep it up! If you have any doubts about the review, feel free to drop a note at my staff page.

Reviewed by Sheepoling @midnight-tree.co.nr-