Worlds Apart

Title: Worlds Apart
Author: Pseudonym
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pseudonym/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 6.5/10
The title didn't do much to attract my attention but I got the connection of it to your story. The two characters have entirely different personalities and therefore they are worlds apart right? Slightly cliche and overused. And I would've given you more points except for the fact that you kept mentioning it and emphasizing on the difference between the two main characters. I groaned internally at the corniness a couple of times. But as I made my way through the story, I started to see that perhaps the title isn't as corny or cliched as I thought. It's a pretty apt title. I just don't like how it's yet another reminder of how different Jun and Aminata are.

Poster&Background: 6.5/10
I don't really like your background that much so I had to take off some points for that. The random dude (I presume he's the main character right?) is sort of diverting my attention from the writing. On the other hand, I do like your poster. The image is well chosen, he seems to be staring straight at me and it creates so much interest and mystique at the same time. I also like your quote. It sounds so beautiful.

Foreword: 7/10
At first I liked how most of your sentences seemed to connect and lead on to the consecutive one, it's really creative. But after the first five sentences, it got to be too much. And my mind started wandering. To be fair, I probably have some sort of attention deficient disorder (ADD). Very detailed introduction of the stories and of the character bios, which is a definite plus. I love the sound of the epic love story that you're planning and it piques my interest in reading your story.

Cast Used: 4/5
I don't have any knowledge of Japanese stars so I'm completely clueless as to who your stars are. But I like that you used a fictional character and a real life character together. You also characterized well and stuck to the images you created for each of them. I also enjoyed Gina's character, her wit and sarcasm was much appreciated. I sympathized with Aminata and I felt everything she did. I understand the psychological damages of being a rape child and how they affected her. You made your characters real, which is something not all authors do.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
For a romance story, it isn't too typical or standard. I sort of get this feeling that this is supposed to be some sort of epic love story. I love the idea of an African American woman paired with a Japanese man. That is certainly not something you encounter often in winglin. There was still some aspects to your story that were predictable. The overwhelming goodness of Jun really got at my nerves half way through. No one is ever that perfect, but I understand that this is all from the POV of someone who is slightly obsessed with him. I also liked the random Japanese words that you inserted in there. It was very quirky and unique to your story.

I was going to give you a couple more points in the originality area but then I discovered that Jun had an ex-girlfriend, Yukie, that he was still mourning. The cynical and pessimistic part of me was ready to fully give up on this story. The addition of an ex-girlfriend is so typical but you somehow managed to make it not as generic, kudos to you. There were some aspects of this story that were a bit predictable. It started with Aminata having an abusive boyfriend and being "saved" by Jun, her crush. I also found it hard to believe that Aminata kept bumping into Jun wherever she went. The situations they met and conversed in were obviously fabricated.
And while the idea that Jun was a famous star and Aminata a rape child was slightly cliched, it worked. Instead of being repelled by the predictable situations, I was even more drawn in and interested in your story. I was going to award you some more points but then I came upon the fact that Aminata felt betrayed by Jun's secret and once again I felt the air go out of the balloon.

Story&Plotting: 8/15
I didn't really see or sense much of a plot going on. I feel somewhat led on by your forewords. And while I think this is a fairly good story, I couldn't give you many points for the plot. To be fair, I'm usually weary of fics that are completely romantic with no sub-plot or anything. I think it was a wise choice to write this in Aminata's point of view. It makes for a far more interesting read than it would have had it been in script style or paragraph style. I also really appreciated the switch to Jun's POV. This guy is really interesting and I couldn't quite figure out how his mind worked either. And to be honest, I thought that you'd have a sort of Romeo and Juliet type of story, but you didn't and I really appreciate that fact. Something else I didn't expect was Jun to be rich. I was with Aminata when he said it in the theater, I thought he was lying the entire time.

Halfway through your story, I was exhausted. I wasn't sure if I could really read any more without taking a break. It wasn't that your story is boring, you kept throwing in enough interesting tidbits to handle that. It was just that I couldn't imagine an ending for this story. I honestly didn't know where this was heading and if there was a point for me to continue. I'm just frustrated because I think this story has the potential to be better. Aminata's reoccurring dreams of being with Jun and of his family's disapproval is highlighting the fact that the two cannot possibly be a couple with one another. I get that. But I don't see why you need to keep pointing it out. It seems as if you are trying too hard to stick to your theme that they are different from one another.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
Well, your vocabulary is obviously advanced lol. I had to keep my dictionary ready at hand. But I was glad I didn't have to use it much. I really enjoyed reading something different from the usual vocabulary lists. And you were quite smart in your choice of words. They served its purpose in creating great images. I could see everything you were describing clearly in my head.
That being said, sometimes your wording was awkward and I think you would benefit from re-reading your chapters. It often seemed like some words were missing from your sentence structures. For example: "Normally, I wouldn't have bothered who had walked in." The "had" in that sentence was excessive and made it awkward. It disrupts the flow of your story because the reader often has to go back and re-read it again.

Unfortunately, I am also not a fan of the excessive use of dots in your sentences. I do understand why you used them, I used to be obsessed with them too. But that's just a personal preference I guess. And you described everything to a dot. I sort of had a love-hate relationship with that. On one hand I liked the image it created, on the other hand I found it hard to get through a paragraph in one sitting.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Your story actually moves along pretty slowly. But I've got to admit that you were smart enough to cover that. I struggled to get through the forewords and Chapter 1 but after that it was pretty smooth sailing. The wording wasn't as heavy and the story flowed quite nicely. In fact I probably would've awarded you a higher score if I wasn't judging your story as I read it. I was almost halfway through your story before I realized that nothing new was happening.
Aminata and Jun's love story sort of progressed at snail speed but at the same time I was pleased that you didn't rush their relationship and allowed it sufficient time to develop. But that being said, I found myself skimming through some of your chapters and caught myself glancing at the clock a few times. I feel like you dragged out Aminata and Jun's interactions too many chapters. A few chapters, maybe five or six, would be sufficient but you dedicated almost every chapter to it.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
Personal preference is the only reason you weren't awarded a four or a five. Before I launch into my critique, I just want to say that I think you have a great writing style that many readers would enjoy. The problem is me. God, I feel like I'm breaking up with you or something. But I'm serious, it's not you, it's me lol. I tend to stray away from the long fictions and yours was wordy enough to make me put off reviewing your story even though I received this days ago and hand plenty of time on my hand. Honestly at times I felt like I was suffocating on your excessive descriptions. I am so glad that you lightened up later on in the story. Please don't take this personally, like I said, many readers LOVE this type of style.

Overall Enjoyment: 7.5/10
Like I said, I'm not really big on romantic stories. I have nothing against them, it's just that I like thrillers or mysteries more. But I've got to say, if I had to read a romantic story, yours would be the type I'd choose. It's not overly sweet, I mean I didn't feel like puking at any point, and it is written well.

Bonus marks: 3/5
You get a bonus for making me read thirteen chapters straight without begging for mercy! Lol, that's actually a compliment :] And another point for making me read the next few chapters consecutively too. And last of all, you got a point for making me fall for Jun also xD

Total mark: 70/100

addtional comments:

Hmm, I thought I was giving you pretty high marks until I finished adding them up. I know 70 out of 100 seems pretty low. It's barely a passing grade in some schools. But trust me when I say I did enjoy this story. The only areas where you lost points were in creativity/originality and plotting. I am positive you would score better if your story was finished before I started reviewing but alas it's not. I hope that my criticism serves to help you with the rest of your writing. Please don't be disappointed with this score. I sort of wish I did give you a higher mark because I believe your story merits a high mark. It's just that I know you can do something better with this story. I sound so corny, it's like a "I am pushing you harder because I believe in you" type of crap I'm spewing. But I am being honest. Edit your story, make it less heavy and get to your point quicker. It'll make for a great read :] I look forward to reading your finished product. In fact, this is the first story I reviewed that I personally want to read more of. Keep up the good work!

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

Was There Ever Anything Between Us?

Title: Was There Ever Anything Between Us?
Author: WinterNight
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beautifulwish7/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 3/10
Cliched title. And a really long one at that. I can see the obvious connection between the story. The title sort of led me to think that your story would be longer than one chapter or a one-shot.

Poster&Background: 2/10
You don't have a background so I can't give you any points on that front. Your choice of font color was a bit faint for my liking, I had to highlight your text to be able to read it without becoming lost. I admire that you created your poster yourself but it's a little too simple. The text choice was also poor, the script was hard to read. The white also doesn't stand out amongst the pink backing. I also didn't get the sense that you gave any thought to the choice of your pictures. The picture of Selina with her hair in a ponytail actually looks a lot like Hebe, so much that I thought it was actually her.

Foreword: 4/10
With a one-shot you usually don't need a long introduction. But your story was so brief that the short blurb of a background you provided was the only means I had of understanding your story. The forewords didn't do anything for me in terms of wetting my appetite. I wasn't drawn into the story at all.

Cast Used: 1/5
You really only used two characters. Selina and Jiro as a pairing is believable. Unfortunately, Selina as a not so pretty girl is not. I am not a believer that a little bit of makeup and letting your hair down will make you suddenly gorgeous. There was also no character development so I couldn't judge the depth of your characters and whether they were really suitable.

Originality & Creativity: 1.5/15
Once again, with only one chapter, and such a short chapter at that, I can't judge the depth of this story. I really hope that you'll consider re-editing and making this story longer. The story wasn't creative or original. The whole boy likes girl, girl likes boy and they both don't know line is overused and typical to any story. To be truthful, there are a hundreds of this type all over winglin. You need to create something in order to make it stand out. Otherwise, it's a dime a dozen.

Story&Plotting: 1/15
There really isn't any plot or story to this. The very basis of any story is to have a beginning, a middle and an end. At the very most your story has only a beginning. There is no middle and no end. I didn't have much to work with here. There was barely any context. You should also try to make your story interesting, which to me, it was not. I really wish you would consider editing or re-posting this story. You can build from what you wrote. But you cannot write a chapter and classify it as a one-shot.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 4/10
I picked up a couple of grammar problems. When using quotation marks, periods and commas are to be included inside them unless you have used exclamations or question marks. For example: "'How come I never notice it.', thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." The correct way to do it is : "'How come I never notice it,' thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." This problem occured a lot throughout your story. Also, you had some problems with your tenses. It is "noticed" instead of "notice". And you also used the word "thought" two times in one sentence, it's too excessive. Selina doesn't need to thoughtfully think two times in a row. Your vocabulary wasn't very complex. It was almost juvenile at times. But it was better than a lot of the other stories that I have read. Which is why it merited a full point.

Flow Of Story: 1/10
I can't really give you any points. I didn't get any flow in your story. You started abruptly from the dance and ended your story abruptly after Selina and Jiro danced. Remember, your story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. This is more of a fragment of a story, it's not enough to sustain a whole story.

Writing Style: 1/5
I think you can definitely improve your writing style. It's not too bad to start with, just awkward and startling. It gives off the sense of not being complete, but it's something you can work on.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/10
To be honest, I didn't enjoy this story very much. It was confusing and incomplete. It drives me nuts that you would even consider this story as completed.

Bonus marks: 1/5
I totally admire the fact that you would post this up as completed lol.

Total mark: 20.5/100

addtional comments: I hope you don't become too discouraged by your low grade. This is actually my first review in which I haven't needed to pull out my calculator. The biggest problem lies in the fact that this really cannot be considered a story. This may pass as a chapter or as an introduction, but as a story, it's incomplete and horrid. I'm really sorry for being so harsh and I don't mean to make you feel bad. I really really wish that you'll take this as constructive criticism and work harder and improve on your story the next time around. I also hope that you request from M-T again.

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

How to Love

Title: How to Love
Author: x3addicted
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovelikethis/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 5/10
The title is kind of cliche and doesn't really stand out that much from the other winglin titles. I do understand the connection between the title and your plot but I find it a tad corny.

Poster&Background: 6/10
The poster is nice, a bit on the simple side. I do have a problem with the pictures of the cast chosen. You described Raymond in your forewords as "shrewd" and "cold", but in your poster you have a grinning and laughing picture of Raymond. Tavia's picture is perfectly fine because she's emoting the whole girl next door image. Your background isn't really visible, it took me a while to figure out that you actually had a background. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose to portray a rather simple theme.

Foreword: 6/10
A pretty straightforward introduction to the characters. You included some information about the two main characters and the support cast which I like. However I didn't see much about what will be happening in the story. I suppose this story will mostly be about the romance between Raymond and Tavia, making it an entirely romantic story. The forewords doesn't really draw the audience in and it sort of foreshadows a rather typical love story.

Cast Used: 3/5
While the pairing of Tavia and Raymond is hardly a new one, I do think they share a good amount of chemistry. I think the characters are well cast. Raymond is believable as the rich and cold heir while Tavia is perfect for the innocent and pretty girl. I was somewhat surprised that it took three chapters before your support actors made their first appearances. Bosco works as the playboy and Charmaine is convincible as the heiress. I'm kind of intrigued by that pairing, it's pretty original.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
It's really not that creative or original. The romance line has been used plenty of times before and the whole marriage produces a rather predictable ending. The fact that Tavia and Raymond actually signed a contract also reminds me of another fanfiction I read not long ago that used a similar idea. Not to say that you're copying that author's storyline because I don't remember the title of that story, but it's common and overused. And the addition of the other casts as love interests is also predictable.

Story&Plotting: 7/15
Once again, didn't really see anything new in terms of plot in this story. The main word that I have for you is predictable. Try to include a few twists or change something that would make what is a rather typical romance story into something more. You are obviously not done with your story yet, you have plenty of time to create some original situations and rework some details of your plot. Also, I think it would be nice if you included a sub-plot or something that doesn't revolve around romance/love. The entire focus of your story on the romance can become boring after a while.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
No problems here! You showed good mastery of your grammar (besides a few commas and periods) and the vocabulary wasn't too bad either. It was mature and appropriate for the story you had in mind.

Flow Of Story: 6/10
I liked that Tavia and Raymond married pretty quickly and that you didn't waste too much time on their "courtship". After that I expected that your story would progress rather fast but then I sort of reached the chapter about the dinner with friends. And it started to move pretty slowly. I sort of found myself fighting to get through the chapters without skipping the long paragraphs. And I don't think you really need longer chapters, I'm perfectly fine with the length now haha.

Writing Style: 4/5
For your first story, this is pretty good! While I liked that you described your surroundings in detail, I think you might have focused a bit too much on them. A few good descriptions are good enough, I don't really need to know that Raymond is handsome and lean in every chapter (though I do agree that he certainly is ;]). But I do need to say that I can imagine all the actions and the scenes pretty vividly in my mind. Kudos to you for that!
Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
Not really your fault but I suppose this isn't my type of story. There are plenty of readers who obviously enjoy your type of story. I just happen to like more of a storyline in with my romance. Your story had too much romance and too little other action going on for my tastes.

Bonus marks: 3/5
Considering this is your first written story, I think it's pretty good start. And it just happens to be my first ever review so yay for the both of us lol.

Total mark: 60/100

addtional comments:
Like I said, a good start considering this is your first story. I hope that you'll continue improving yourself and perhaps next time around you can try to improve on the plotting and creativity of your story. Don't be put off by the seemingly low grade. This is actually quite a nice story. I just think with a few tweaks, it can be a lot better. Perhaps when you continue your story you can request for another review :] Anyway, wish you the best of luck in completing this story. If you have any questions regarding this review, feel free to email me or contact me via midnight-tree :]

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

Wishes Made Under Midnight Tree

Title: Wishes Made Under Midnight Tree
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie11/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: -/10
Challenge title, no comments. Only that, well, there’s a grammar error in there.

Poster and Background: 6/10
For a story like yours, I was expecting something less melancholic and something more adventurous. The whole effect that the graphics give is something that is pretty sad and pensive in nature, while the fics storyline is more on the fantasy side. I’m not an artist, so I won’t comment about the pictures used, but the colours could have been more exploratory, simply because your fic is fantasy based.

On top of that, this is probably the first fic that I found the black and coloured font combination boring and plain. It’s the nature of the story, and since graphics are an enhancement, then you really have to make use of them to bring out the character of the storyline.

Foreword: 7/10
Sort of, but not quite. I’m not exactly looking for a paragraph to introduce the whole thing, but more of snippets to introduce your characters and your story. Then again, it’s not wrong to present your story as you did, but the only problem with the whole thing is that it wasn’t exciting enough for me to want to click the NEXT button.

One thing to keep in mind when writing forewords is that you’ve got to know what the tone and pace of the rest of the story will look like, then craft your foreword based on that. It’s very technical, but it’s also very effective. =)

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Once again, nothing against the cast people, and even kudos to you daring to try out such a new pairing between Hebe and Jaejoong. When you try out such a new pairing, what’s really important is the characterisation, because there’re no guidelines for readers to look to, unlike maybe… Ella and Chun who were a couple in Hana Kimi, or Hebe and Arron, with so many of their fics running about. It’s daring, but it also requires skill for the whole thing to work out.

That said, I think you managed to work things out. The characterisation wasn’t vivid, but at least, if you removed the names, you’d still know who was who. The only thing I can fault on is that it was not enough. You need strong, distinct characteristics to make this whole fic work out, and yours wasn’t quite strong enough. On top of that, we have the average sad, weak, cute Hebe Tian who can’t seem to break out of this characterisation. It doesn’t hurt to try something more, really, and that applies for Hebe as well.

Story and Plotting: 8.5/15
A daring attempt to craft something very different from what we usually see. We’ve had an exhaustive share of our Cinderella or Snow White scene in so many of our fics or idol dramas, and while this one is one of those fics as well, if stands out in the way you decided to take a very fairy tale approach to the whole thing. I like the way you introduced the fantasy element in the story, because it gives incredibility to the tale and allows more room (and reader tolerance!) for sweet, saccharine pairings, scenes and things that they do. Put simply, it means that people are willing to read and tolerate your tendency to write clichéd scenes. I’ve said it, there’s a fine line between clichéd and sweet, and I think you did manage to handle that pretty well.

Number two. Put aside my earlier comments, there were some scenes that really screamed idol-ista. The fact that JaeJoong has to go overseas for study, and for wishing for Mr. Right, and… This is made up of countless clichéd scenes, seamlessly tied up together and sweet, but still a little yawn-worthy. After a while, you’d wish that there were fewer of those, even though some did manage to help the mood of the fic.

Finally, the brilliant ending. I really thought that let your story stand out against the other romantic fics, which have a defined sad or happy ending. I’ve had someone ask me before what sort of fic endings I like, and I said that I preferred those that have no set happy of sad ones, or endings that are poignant in nature. This qualifies as both, not so much poignancy, but enough, I guess, and I really like the way you decided to conclude the whole thing. It’s refreshing.

As a side note, do you happen to read Enid Blyton’s books? I realised Mr. Moonface is in there too. Never mind if you don’t know what I’m talking about. =P

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
No major problems, and good language, as usual. Watch your grammar; it has the tendency to go a bit haywire sometimes. And maybe you might want to consider your choice of vocabulary the next time you attempt a fic of this type and genre. Less is more here.

And keep in mind, the word is ‘discomfort’, not ‘uncomfortable’.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10
Once again, no big problems, only I felt that it flowed a little too fast. One moment Hebe was waking up for a dream, another she was meeting JaeJoong and learning about the Midnight Tree, and then suddenly they fell in love. It’s a short story, yes, but this really occurred so rapidly that I couldn’t quite digest.

It’s a novel concept, so you’ve really got to take some time to allow that concept to sink in. Otherwise, if you have to keep your story short, then make the storyline simpler than it is. Write about the legend in your forewords, then introduce the story as a solely romantic one. Fewer elements to explain means more time to elaborate on emotions, sensations and actions.

Writing Style: 4/5
Good job here, nothing much to comment about, only that some parts get a tinge of monotony from too much narrating.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I’m applauding your creativity in choosing a fairytale setting for this piece, because it’s very daring and different. It’s an age-old concept, but when you come down to it, it becomes very different and refreshing in its approach. The title is pretty much a fairy tale kind of title, and you really worked it to your advantage. Good work here.

Marks off for the fact that you couldn’t work original scenes and characters into your work, which is really a pity.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
A pretty decent piece for light reading, and plus its short, so it managed to capture my attention for the full time it was running. I couldn’t enjoy the pace, though, it was far too fast, but otherwise, a pretty good light-reading piece.

Bonus marks: 4/5
Two to responding to readers, one for promoting MT. None for X-factor, though, I found it ordinary.

Total mark: 62.5/90 = 69/100

Additional Comments: Here you go! I’m sorry this took so long, but here it is, finally! =) Keep going!

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

Melancholic Cinderella

Title: Melancholic Cinderella

Author: by Sushi

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/M_C/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 9.5/10

Unique yet beautifully name.. It's giving off the right kind of theme which you want to portray out for your story.. However, i felt Cinderella reveal a little much for the story itself..

Poster & Background = 7.5/10

Seriously.. I couldn't bear mark down on this part.. As i love the poster very much.. The theme was right for the story and the colour fonts fit well with the poster.. The poster was pleasing to the eyes.. However.. I fell that the background somehow doesn't really match with the poster.. If your background have some effect of what you had in the poster, i believe it will prefectly match well.. :) No offend, just a penny of my thoughs..

Foreword = 8.5/10

Beautifully Written.. One thing i like about the foreword is the short paragraph written.. That was a really captivating and nice start for your story at the foreword.. You manage to attracted my attention and made me wanted to read on the story with the intersting short paragraph.. I like the way you present it and inserting the small paragraph of Cinderella story into the main and create a fairytale effect for rainie imagination.. Your clearly state out your casting in a neat form.. Giving enough information about the story which will hooks on people to read on, yet, they are just not too much being reveal out for the whole..

Cast = 4/5

I love your casting.. No bias-ness.. I can characterizations in the story for the few cast used in the story.. That was a good job done.. So i mark on your effort for characterizations too.. :)

Originality & Creativity = 12.5 /15

Well.. To be honest.. I really believe your story truthly stand out for it originality and creativity part.. As i read on, I couldn't really link to any kind of story plot out there in winglin which mades me glad about it.. You insert quite a few original and creative idea into the story.. Like, the ending part, it really surprise me how you twist the whole story like that and made it looks like the Jiro is the so call 'bad' guy whom 'rape' Rainie..
Plot = 13/15

I love your plot for this story.. The prince charming part is like a fairytale for everyone and i like how you portray it out for Rainie.. The idea are all neatly elaborate out and well organised.. The realtionship for each and every characters are wisely planned and the sparks among them are well created.. Good job.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

Not bad.. Hardly found any.. Only some small ones.. But overall it’s good.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 7.5/10

The story is smooth.. The pace was just right.. My little complain is the ending 2 chapter.. You rush everything up and made rainie forget about everything, only remember her great times with her prince, and forget about what happen after that.. It was rather, confusing about how she got the idea that it was Jiro whom 'rape' her.. The pace there was a little too rush when you sum everything like that.. Making me feel sad about Jiro being wrong by rainie, yet, I quite pity Rainie in it..

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I like the way you write your story.. Clean and clear.. Easy to follow.. Good job.. :) I'm rather comfortable with it.. :)

Overall enjoyment = 8.5/10

I enjoy every moment reading the story.. The twist at the end really surprise me a lot.. I also like the way you plan and write your story.. Good Job.. :)

Bonus Mark: 3/5
Marks for effort of replying your reader.. And effort for writting the story.. :)

Total: 86.5

Additional Comment:

This is an rather un-expected ending story to me.. I enjoy every moment reading it.. Great job.. Continue the good job on.. :) I just love the ending so much.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Till the Last Rose Dies

Title: Till the Last Rose Dies
Author: Twilight
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/twilight_rose/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 6/10
First impressions strike foremost, and for this particular title, somehow your first impression was just a single word: cliché. Unfortunately for this piece, it was really the title that got it down. When I received the request, I dismissed this one as another of those terribly written pieces that we see running around so often on winglin. Good thing that it was not, but the point is, your title is nothing much to yell about.

Only positive point that gave the title a passing mark. I believe that Stephie is one of the writers in this fic, and this one has a wonderful feel that she often gives to her fics. It has a vintage, old-school kind of sensation that is carried throughout the fic, and the title enhances that.

Poster and Background: 4/10
I’m really not quite impressed with the poster, because it doesn’t manage to bring about any improvement on the fic as a whole. In fact, the poster seems a bit Goth, and I don’t really think that it really suits the entire mood of the fic. I’m not quite sure what went wrong, and I’m not an artist, so I can’t elaborate on the specifics. What I can say, though, it that you used the wrong shade of red on your rose, or the wrong colour for your background. Red and black spells vampiric Goth.

That said, solid colour backgrounds are really great.

Foreword: 6/10
The forewords are alright, nothing really special, although they’re a bit vague. I think it was alright for this fic, but I didn’t really appreciate the whole vagueness of the whole thing. Yes, understood, that could be the intro to something more, but it didn’t paint any imagery for me, which I think is very important in a foreword.

Keep in mind, this sort of forewords only (and ONLY) work for short, one-shot fics like yours. Anything longer, this foreword would have warranted a fail.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 1/5
I’m not really for a personal preference type of review, but I really have something against the pairing you chose. For such an emotion setting, I’m surprised you couldn’t have chosen a couple without more emotional… History. I’m not a fan nor a subscriber of any of those coupling out there, neither am I an anti-fan of any of them, but you have to keep in mind when you’re casting, who and what history this couple has before you throw them in.

Also, there’s only a wisp of characterisation in this piece, which I was disappointed. I admit to having high expectation when I read that Stephie was part of this, after reading (and reviewing) her wonderful piece. Unfortunately, this one just didn’t manage to impress me.

Story and Plotting: 8.5/15
It was a debate within myself what sort of mark I should give, simply because I wasn’t quite sure where the story stood within me. Negative first, then. The story is simply not original. I don’t know how many times this has been used, and I don’t know how many times I’ve told people (in reviews or otherwise) that this isn’t quite the original stuff that people will be looking for. Or wanting to read. This has to come from somewhere, and I know for sure that it just came, whether consciously or not, from a novel or a show or a film somewhere.

I understand that you’ve decided to write a short story, but as a suggestion, you might try to keep in mind that this fic involves numbers, like the number of roses. You could try naming your chapters after the roses and what they represent, and a longer story would serve to increase your characterisation. This story feels like a dream. Something that promises some potential, but dies off too soon before anything can quite happen.

On a more positive note though, the way the story was written shows that a lot of effort plotting was put in, and that was definitely taken into consideration when the marks were awarded. =)

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Near perfect spelling and grammar, how wonderful. It’s a joy reading this, because everything flows so well with the command of language. Watch though, there’re a couple of awkward phrases here and there, but not enough to spoil the mood of the fic.

Well done.

Flow of Story: 8/10
This flows like water! Everything fits in seamlessly, complete with the good language, there’s great imagery in this fic.

I have one complaint though. The pace is too fast for comfort. By the time the emotion starts to build up nicely, the fic is nearing its end, leaving the reader a bit hanging by the end.

Writing Style: 5/5
I can’t tell you how much I like the vintage feel this one has. I’m not sure if you guys know what I’m talking about, and I’m definitely not sure whether this feel is done on purpose or not, but it makes this whole fic somewhat different from the conventional romance story.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 10/15
I’ve penalised on this part in the earlier section, so I won’t take any more marks any than absolutely necessary. Like I’ve said before, this is an overused and overfed storyline, so it really isn’t wise to attempt it again, because they’re running all over the place. Since you three are such great writers, you might as well attempt something different and daring, and I’m sure that your writing skills won’t disappoint yourselves or the reader. Not to mention the fact that you really have to be outstanding writers to make this different, and I suppose none of us here on winglin are professional enough to pull it off well.

That aside, I believe that the way you’ve brought about the whole feel is really one and only on winglin. I can’t explain it, but you’ve made your fic an experience, which is really good.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
You score highly for this section simply because I don’t look out on purpose for fics that are different from others, but merely those that are well written. You’ve evoked some emotions inside me, which is admittedly quite difficult, simply because I’ve grown so numb to those horrible fics out there. -___- This one, though, manages to stay true to its tone throughout the whole fic, and it deserves a high mark here.

I’m looking for the special thing that defines your fic, that defines who you are as a writer, and you definitely showed me what you guys are capable of. There’re only so many out there who can make a normal fic special, and well, you guys are almost there. =)

Bonus marks: 5/5
Linking back to MT: Check.
Responding to readers: Check.
X-factor: Check.

Total mark: 64.5/100

Additional Comments: Once again, let me remind you guys that I’m a strict reviewer, and that your fic really isn’t as bad as the mark appears to be. It’s not a bad fic, but the material of choice is just not outstanding enough to stand out against the other great writers out there who’re trying different and bold material.

So, until next time, I’m hoping to hear from you guys soon.

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

Proud

Title: Proud

Author: Stars and Fireworks

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/proud/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 1.5/10

At the moment Abby and Michael, even though they love Micky a lot, don’t seem to be ‘proud of his love’ (as quoted on your poster) yet. They seem to be trying to run away from it rather, so I’m not sure how your title fits in with the story. Throughout the eight chapters I’ve read, I didn’t get the notion of any sort of ‘proud’, either from Abby, Michael or Micky. Since your story has yet to be completed, try to intertwine the meaning of ‘proud’ in the text. I’ll give you a point and a half for the relevant subtitles.

Poster & Background: 7/10

The black background seems a bit plain, but it also sort of fits with the poignant narrative. It contrasts with the white font which makes it easier to read. The poster on the other hand, is very bright against the black background. I think the couple on the dock/pier seems sort of unnecessary, since it wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the plot. I like the comparison between Micky and ‘Michael’ though. As for the quote, the one that says ‘We’d both walk along together’. They didn’t actually go through all the hardships in life with each other. Micky left her for his career, leaving Abby to raise her son on her own. Although you might read this differently, that was what I was invited to see it.

Foreword: 9/10

I loved your foreword. It left me hanging and gave me a sense of longing, making me want to know more. I liked how you used such descriptive words expressing how much pain her son’s father had inflicted on her. Maybe it’s because I’m listening to a slow sad song in the background but I can sort of feel for her.
It wasn’t too short or too long. No extra information was given away. The only error was grammatical errors relating to wrong use of words and sentence structures, but apart from that your foreword was excellent.

Cast Used: 3/5

I like the cast; Abby being a strong and confident woman who raised her son well and Micky being a thoughtful man who realized the wrong in his life. What I didn’t like was how Micky isn’t as self-assured as Abby, always having to ask his hyung for advice. I find myself thinking, "Get it together and be a man!" whenever I find him backing out of a decision he made. The way you described Michael was good too. Kids his age always have the ‘what, when, where, why and how’ questions in their mind and you’ve demonstrated that. It’s very realistic.
Just a point I wanted to add. Who is Ricky? In one of the chapters, I think the last one, you mentioned a Ricky? Is it Micky’s brother? I checked the foreword and saw him there, but I still wasn’t too sure.

Originality & Creativity: 11.5/15

I sort of predicted that Micky would run away from his family when they reunite but then return to them. The story is original in a sense of the plot, but as for being creative… Add in some twists and turns throughout the story but make it flow consistently by adding some hints here and there.

Story & Plotting: 14/15

The way you plotted the story was good. Even though you didn’t say it was a flashback, I knew when it started and finished. The way you had two perspectives in the story helped the reader to understand and not be biased. It’s just that, each chapter is pretty short. Write a bit more so we can be satisfied!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

There were a couple of bad grammars in this story. Some sentence structures were needed to be edited. I wasn’t sure if this was a typing error since you had it incorrect at some points but correct for the rest of the time.
When someone is talking, you put a comma once they were done. For example:
"You have to practice your english, you know." I finally spoke in Korean.
It should really be:
"You have to practice your English, you know," I finally spoke in Korean. [English is a name so it needs a capital letter].
You have a problem with your tenses. I know that you know you have a problem with it. I’ve read your author’s note. Maybe you should choose a time [past, present or future] that’s easier for you and just follow on with that tense.
You put way too many trails (…) in when you don’t need to. There wasn’t a chapter where you didn’t have a trail. Resist the temptation and just use a comma when you want a pause.
At some point, you had some Korean vocabulary. (Hyung etc). Put an asterisk next to it and explain what it means at the bottom of the page. There might be people who aren’t Korean fanatics that read your story so translate the word for them to understand.

Flow of Story: 10/10

The flow of the story is going well. It started at the beginning with some flashbacks to explain some background information. I liked how you hinted that Micky dated a couple of girls in one of the earlier chapters and used that to create a problem for the story.

Writing Style: 5/5

Your writing style is quite well done. I love the way you described the heart wrenching feeling that Micky felt. It was so poetic and nice.
The story was sad in a way but you somehow added the comedic personality of the group into it as well. Even though you have done that, the comedy didn’t over take the melancholic feeling the reader feels.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I thoroughly enjoyed this fiction. It was a simple yet dramatic entry. And just to have the fan girl inside me be released, a point was taken off for not having enough Yun Ho =p

Bonus marks: 4/5

A point for admitting your grammatical errors, another for answering the comments and two for the disclaimer at the beginning.

Total mark: 80/100

Additional comments: The mark might have been higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr

Cupid Hates Me! !@#$%

Title: Cupid Hates Me! !@#$%
Author: ZeNd
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/lucifera3/
Reviewed By: Sheepoling

Title: 5.5/10
It was a very common idea expressed, having Cupid and hating, not refreshing and eye-catching in any way. I didn’t like the random signs behind supposing indicating profanity spouting? But there is relevance; I can see how your whole story is revolved round how you are trying to prove that Cupid hates TaeYeon.

Poster & Background: 1/10
There was no poster given so I shall only comment on your background and font colour. I thought that the font colors used were not very in line with the more fun-loving theme you are portraying in the story. The black color with red font is very tiring to read. You might want to choose a more comfortable color scheme next time. I shall give you one mark for at least changing the colors of the page.

Foreword: 6.5/10
It is good to see that a certain level of interest is generated when you did a love life history of the TaeYeon and it is pretty useful in showing the whole idea of your story. You also put down the cast but either than the fact that TaeYeon is the main lead, I don’t really see the use of the other information because it was too skimpy.

Cast Used: 1.5/5
I really have no idea how fresh is this pairing since I don’t really read stories with Korean casts but judging by how you lumped groups and groups of people in, I don’t think it is very special and it tends to confuse. And there was almost no characterization except for TaeYang and how you generally went through all the girls. Characterization is important in helping the readers tell the characters apart even if they don’t know the characters. And sadly, you happen to have many characters and no characterization, the worse combination ever.

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
There is always a reason for any mark. This whole story is a clichéd from top to bottom. A girl miserable in love, a man she didn’t see, the happy we are together finally idea is just going too out of fashion. The progression of the story is normal, fine, unexciting, expected and hence, don’t expect any marks in that area. The ending is just way too passé. WEDDINGS! What ever made you think marrying is such an easy business and you could just marry off the characters so easily? The presentation was nothing out of the norm, no creativity involved, just writing. On the whole, it was just regurgitation of clichéd over-circulated ideas.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
This kind of story doesn’t really have any areas for you to research on and work on. It is all based on your imagination (or the general public’s opinion) of what celebrity life is. I don’t think you made special effort to understand the characters of these people you used to make any strong statement. Kudos for adding in random speckles of current news though but sadly, that isn’t enough. You are very meticulous with details, just that these weren’t relevant and necessary ones.

Good job however, with your direction of the story. I could see that it is moving in one uniformed direction and doesn’t make weird turns. The events occurring are considered pretty logical in this context, but I just didn’t like how managers SLAP their artiste.

Spelling /Grammar /Vocabulary: 3/10
According to www.dictionary.com, cynical means showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others; bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic. And from what I see of TaeYeon’s behavior to TaeYang, it was nothing close to that definition. There were misusage of vocabulary, invention of non-existent vocabulary and the worse thing is that you could get a brand name wrong. (Chanel, not Channel) I’m still fine with the spelling but PLEASE don’t go around adding extra ‘d’s or ‘t’s to words like ‘lots’ or ‘loads’. It doesn’t show anything but how immature you are as a writer.

That is not the worst problem.

The grammar is atrocious. Wrong forms, wrong tenses and many more other problems can be spotted. In fact, there is no need to spot; it is blatantly staring into my face. I’m certain it is not a typo or accident for it is impossible then, for you to have consistent mistakes throughout the whole story. Grammar is very important in a story and it really affects the quality of a story. Please try to brush it up.

Flow of Story: 8/10
The pace of the story was generally fine; you know when to go slow and when to speed up. I just thought there should be more clarity in you transition from one scene to another. Especially with your all so confusing cast, I think it is more important to demarcate. But it is okay on the whole.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
I commend you for writing all your dialogue in a proper narrative format. However, I think you are not using the narrative format to your best. The story still seems very skimpy and brief in terms of descriptive. It looks good but when you read the content, there seems to be quite a big contrast. Not exactly what I will like.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10
I suppose this is quite engaging with a little bit of jokes here and there and some comical interactions but I don’t really fall for this. This story doesn’t really have any impact on me; it is not funny enough, nor touching enough. It is just a piece of writing, words with no emotions. You can grasp the interest of most readers seeing how the pacing of your story makes the whole story quite tightly knitted.

Bonus marks: 2/5
Not much interaction there; I don’t see anything much posted with the chapter and you don’t really reply to your readers. The overall outlook of the story is neat but not very comfortable for the readers to read.

Total mark: 44/100

Additional comments: You would have done better if you have chosen a less common idea to write on and reduce your cast. Getting a poster helps too.

Reviewed by Sheepoling @midnight-tree.co.nr-

It’s Not as Cool as it Seems

Title: It’s Not as Cool as it Seems

Author: Asian_Innocence

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Innocence/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 3/10
At the moment, Cho Min doesn’t seem to be distressing the fact that she hates living with DBSK. I think she actually enjoys living there and doesn’t mind being their maid. Therefore, I’m not sure how your title applies to the story. It might turn out differently at the end so I’ll give you some points for the title.

Poster & Background: 5/10
Although the stars on the background are appropriate and link to the story, I don’t like it. It’s too flashy and distracts me from the story plus, it sort of has a ‘little girl who is into unicorns’ sort of feel to it. The poster is good, but not great. Although I like the picture you have chosen for the female character, I feel that the shabby background had pulled the quality of the poster down with it. It gives an impression of the story to be cheap and pathetic, which it isn’t.

Foreword: 7/10
When you said love, I actually though real pure love not just some crazy fan girl crush. And you should state in your foreword that Cho Min was trying to see her favourite band while on vacation. Nearly throughout the first chapter, I thought she was just trying to visit her cousin, Yun Ho. Be clearer in your foreword to avoid misunderstandings.

The key notes you have provided was totally unnecessary, maybe except for the rated parts bit. The reader will understand when a character will be talking or thinking without your reminder.

Cast Used: 2.5/5
Well, I can’t say that the cast you used were totally inapplicable to the story since it’s actually based on the lives of DBSK and the Yun Ho’s cousin, which is fictional, I presume? I have never heard of her name before so forgive me if she is an actual person. However, the personalities of DBSK aren’t really distinctive. Jae Jeong and Yun Ho, you can tell them apart from the rest of the guys but the remainders? To be frank, if you were to name them all the same name, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they have split personalities if you know what I mean. They seem to all be trying to pull off an innocent and cute act. I have never really been interested in DBSK and this is the first fan fiction or anything really, that I read about them. For it to be easier for a newcomer, you should create a variety of personalities. Apart from that, everything is fine.

Originality & Creativity: 10.5/15
Your story is quite creative. Having the Cho Min visit her cousin for the holidays but only to have her possessions stolen and was forced to live with them for a while. But I thought about her having to become a maid… Even though that’s the point of the story, I though you could do better than that. A lot of dramas I’ve seen had the main couples forced to become maids or housekeeper (Why Why Love and Witch Yoo Hee to name a few). Since I’m only judging from chapters one to five, I can’t really tell what’s going to happen.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
Okay, your chapters are WAY too long. You have no idea what I went through just trying to finish one chapter! I mean twenty pages on word? No wonder it took me at least three attempts to finish each chapter. You don’t have to squash everything in one chapter. There is no limit on how long your story has to be. Spread it out; make it simpler for the reader. I’m not telling you to chop your story, just write it and keep it neat. I deducted three points for the everlasting chapters that drowned me. The other two are for writing in Korean vocabulary. Like I said, not all DBSK fans might read your story. When I write my own fictions, I find readers who had no idea who my celebrities are. What I’m trying to say is, readers who are unfamiliar to Korean language will have no idea what you’re on about. Put the English translation in brackets beside the Korean word or like you did with the others, but a * next to ALL of the Korean words, like Oppa; Aniyo etc. Just once would be sufficient.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
The spelling was well done; I could barely find anything wrong with it.
The grammar however had a couple of errors. “When someone is talking like so, you put a comma after the spoken sentence,” Sushi said. “Not a full stop. A full stop is only applied when you don’t actually say ‘he said’ or ‘she exclaimed’ after it.”

For example: “I’m not an American citizen.” She said, taking a sip of her warm milk. The full stop has to be a comma whilst ‘She’ is not capitalized. Take note of that because it is repeated many times in your story.

There are also some issues with your sentence structures. Firstly, there are so many pointless commas! It’s like you just abused that key on your keyboard. A comma is when someone would pause for effect or take a short breathe. You had commas in nearly every sentence for every couple of words. Proof read your story (and you will see how dreadfully lengthy it is) and read it in character. For example, pause at every full stop and comma and think if the expression you chosen is correct.

For example: Jumping out of bed, she quickly walked to the front, put her shoes on, and left the apartment. Okay, for that sentence you can easily get rid of those excess commas and form it into: After jumping out of bed, Cho Min walked excitedly to the front of the apartment and slid into her shoes after closing the door behind her. This is just an example of how your sentence can still make sense without those commas!

When someone is thinking you don’t need to put ‘’ as thinking marks because there is no such thing. Once you have written the sentence of that person’s though, finish off with a comma and ‘thought Sushi’ or ‘Sushi thought’. Simple, right?

For example: ‘I wonder how YunHee-ah is doing. I wanna see her again.’ ChoMin thought… Okay, so like I said, you don’t have to add in the inverted apostrophes. Just a simple , Cho Min thought would be sufficient for the reader to understand that it is classified as a ‘thought’. I wonder how Yun Hee is doing? I really want to see her again, Cho Min thought. I just realised the word ‘wanna’. Don’t be lazy here!

As for vocabulary problems, I feel that there are some words that don’t suit that current situation. I do remember how you used ‘OMG’ etc instead of the real words. Don’t abbreviate. There’s nothing more to it. Unless it’s an acronym write the phrase word for word. Reread your story and you’ll understand. I don’t think you edited each chapter, right?

Flow of Story: 10/10
The flow of the story so far is good. Nothing seemed out of place or forced upon. Everything fits together nicely. Props on the good work.

Writing Style: 3/5
Apart from what I mentioned before about the tediously lengthy chapters, everything seems good, from what I see. Overall that is. I didn’t like how as each chapter continues, it transformed from being particularly descriptive into a story that is more into dialogue. Try and stick to the same format throughout.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I liked this story. It was interesting and exciting at points. And if my predictions are correct, I think I know who will end up with who but I won’t throw points off that since you might just blow me away be making Cho Min end up with nobody! Keep up the good work and write shorter chapters!

Bonus marks: 3/5
Okay, I have to deduct points for the long chapters. I’m still not over that yet! But I’ll give you a point for being considerate to the readers and translating some of the words they might not understand, one for disclaiming DBSK and another for acknowledging that you need to improve and are trying hard to. Good for you!

Total mark: 66/100 additional comments: The mark might be higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

Sincerely, Ayumi

Title: Sincerely, Ayumi
Author: babyxjay
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/babyxjay5/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10
There’s something pretty about the title. I think it stands out in a list of many other fics on the Winglin mainpage and I liked how it corresponded immediately with your forewords. Nice.

Poster & Background : 2.5/5
No background, so it’s upon 5.

Poster was not downright ugly but more could be done with it. It lacks an overall feel, some of the colours did not appeal and some of the blendings were not exactly well done either.

Forewords: 7/10
I liked how you begun the forewords and the fact that you have dialogues in the middle of introducing your characters. But using dialogues instead of blocks of words to introduce your story was pretty fresh as well.

But I had a few grievances. Firstly, I did not see much of a character description and second, you divulged too much and it wasn’t a nice divergence. What did I mean? You basically told the reader your whole story before they even started and it was pretty interest killing on my side. On the other hand, third party and a heart transplant seemed to spell an overused plot to me. I hoped that you would prove me wrong.

Cast Used: 3/5
Pretty well done up till now. But I should still keep the 4 to myself because your story had barely started so it had the potential to get better or worse. Also, I felt that more nitty gritty details could included. Otherwise, I had a pretty good picture of YunHo and JaeJoong’s family and a shadow of who they were. I hoped you could do slightly more though but it was already better than half the world out there.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
Like I said, the forewords put me off in terms of originality and creativity and Chapter 1 (Prologue) served to confirm my suspicions. So we had a pair of good friends who fell in love with the same girl and then the tug of war begun. Then, possibly the girl fell ill and needed a heart transplant and died. Something like that.

And up till now, the story had been extremely typical with a new transfer student and two guys who had troubled families

The only thing that I felt was creative was the Prologue which actually put , I guessed, the final scene in front but otherwise there was nothing creative about the story.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
I liked how the prologue brought me to the centre of the action but like the forewords, I felt that it told us too much and it killed the suspense.

It was pretty hard for me to comment on your plot in general because it had not been developed per se. But the way you did your forewords and prologue showed planning and I felt that you should be credited for it. The plot till now was not as boring as you felt, but the most interesting either. There wasn’t enough to hold my interest or take my breath away.

But I could not comment much or give you a fair mark because you story was still at its infant stage. Maybe if you sent in in when the story was more developed or had completed, I would be able to give a more justified mark.

For now, average.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Generally understandable but nothing spectacular. There was enough to show that you could write in English but nothing to show that your had the language at your disposal. There a bit of minor punctuation errors which were perhaps typos. Tenses were not exactly consistent, a story should be told in past tense. Otherwise everything was in place but not impressive.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
I understand the story pretty well. There wasn’t much of a confusion and some of the points were being brought across in a nice way. However, the story did feel slightly chopped up and it did not have the smoothness I would have desired.

For it to be better perhaps you could work on your scene changes. Could there be a way to change scenes with words instead of the lines that separate the chapter?

Writing Style: 3/5
ONE LINERS! *screams in agony*

They really would discredit you as an author and this was one the main reasons why your story felt generally hollow and not descriptive enough.
On the other hand, I had to applaud you for beautifully bringing some ideas across. Like :

“After a few minutes, JaeJoong spoke again, "How badly did he-"
"He didn't. He was passed out in the bathroom covered in his own puke and pee." I said sharply, cutting him off.”

I loved how you showed that the father was an alcoholic instead of telling it in the face of the reader. You managed to bring across some of the emotions pretty well.

Too bad it was not consistent for the whole story. And your one liners really killed a lot of the potential peaks in emotions.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I felt like I was just reading words. The one liners were totally agonizing. There wasn’t enough to keep on my seat minus a few moments which seemed to give me an impression you only hit it by chance instead of woven intentionally into the story. So, it was okay. And nothing more.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For some nice moments and the few moments that you did catch me emotionally. I had a laugh when Yunho told the teacher straight in the face that he was boring and how Ayumi told him off sleeping in class.

Total mark: 55.5/95 (58/100)

Additional comments:
Like I said in plot, there wasn’t really enough for a just comment. Please cut down those one liners, they irritated me. Try to give the story a few more twists to score on plot and creativity if not it would be just as bland as any other fic out there.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

我的野蛮恶少

Title: 我的野蛮恶少
Author:Lamer_
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lamer_002/
Reviewed by: 0088~


Title : -
因为是viva-teamo challenge给的指定标题所以为了公平起见，无法给予任何分数。
不过，说实在的，除了军翔是那位看似‘野蛮’的‘恶少’之外，我实在不理解故事与标题有多大的关联。有点离题的嫌疑。


Poster&Background: -
因为是viva-teamo challenge给的指定海报所以为了公平起见，无法给予任何分数。


Foreword: 6/10
还不赖。你的前转简单说明了丞琳悲惨的身世。
不过，我稍嫌你的介绍：
『那眼神、那眼神、那眼神。。』
这句话的重复量太高了。多到有点‘特意表现’的嫌疑。
我相信你自己应该非常清楚自己的在词语方面的局限。你可能认为重复此句子就能加重你想要表现的情感与加强扩张力。但，我认为你却弄巧成拙了。原因？

统计一下：
可怜的眼神─４次，悲惨─３次，悲伤─２次

明白吗？你的介绍来来去去就那么几句了。难道就没用别的形容词吗？这短短的几行字就轻而易举的曝露出你的弱点。
前转反而就变得是为了加长字数而写出来得。
语言能力如果稍弱，就该把重点转移到人物介绍中而非过于重复于某个句子。你的介绍是个很好的尝试，却一点也不讨好。


Cast Used: 2/5
虽然挺喜欢你故事的主角们，但我觉得你在人物个性塑造方面有待加强。
丞琳可怜吗？看完你的前转后，我对丞琳的‘悲惨的经历’感到很好奇。结果你轻描谈写她的出生过程后就把这‘可怜’人安顿在军翔家过着公主般的生活了。

而且我倒觉得你并没有好好发挥标题所在，到底谁是野蛮啊？
像在第十三篇，我不解军翔为何会那么害怕miss Lamer_ 老师。他不是野蛮霸道吗？当老师叫他去搬东西时，以他的少爷生分，他怎可能答应呢？而且这原本是霸道的军翔一转眼就变成绅士帮他人开车门？这位恶少未免也谦虚了。

剩下五剑客和五侠女个各都像是被刻印出来的人物。


Originality & Creativity: 6/15
创意方面我真的不知如何给予评论。
故事开头原本是讲述军翔和丞琳之间的暧昧情感。但我渐渐发现你把重心点都转到自己的身上了。故事已经变成了Ms Lamer_的红娘计划了，撮合所有的恋人。这还是我看过的头一招。虽然是离题了，但无里头的情节却博得我一笑了。算成功吧？
值得一提的重点，第三十三篇─告白：
我看了简直是一头雾水。真的半点原创性都没有。五对恋人竟然都在同一时间，地点告白，更离谱的是他们的结构竟然是一模一样！
男方为女方戴上眼罩把她们带到了公园，男方说了一坨话，就对天发誓。女方就立刻阻止，答应当他们的女朋友就是了。男方送上礼物，然后他们就接吻了。

那一段就像我玩的ＲＰＧ游戏模式，储存了又重玩，一直重复。五次的情节都完全一模一样。你的原创性等于零。


Story&Plotting:5/15
老实说，我不太喜欢你从一开始，第五篇，就是丞琳和军翔都是互相喜欢的关系了。相对于这一点，故事的发展性就大大缩减了。其实当你在第七篇列出五剑客和五侠女，配对就显得非常明显了。你的构想太普通了。
是否下次写故事时先想个情节呢？情节应该有个高点起伏。我却你的故事寻找不到这一点。
整个故事就是对话、对话、和更多的对话。
小说和电视剧就是有差的。电视剧看就足够明白了。
但在小说内，你必须用你的文采把情节变得有画面感才行，让读者能幻想小说存在的意境。建议你真的去多阅读小说，学会如何拿捏小说情节里的重点。
这里唯一加分点就是你有个圆满的结局。


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:6/10
打从你的前转开始，我就已经指出你的的问题就在此了。
老实说，你的语言能力还算在中等水平。但你真的就只有那几句形容词能用于罢了，始终跳不出来来去去那几句。（我说明了嘛‘苹果’和‘番茄’ＸＤ）而且，有几句形容词也挺怪的。
比喻：
『军翔自己在学校的外号是天才儿童，少女杀手。。』
‘天才少年’会比较适合吧？毕竟他们都成年了。

标点符号也是个蛮严重的问题之一。你的开引号和关引号都错了。而且，每个句子结束后请放上点号。错别字也是特别多。几乎每篇都有错别字。尤其是注音方面得格外小心，请你在写完后好好地检查一遍。

对白的结构─我真的被它打败了。
我无话可说。你给他们的对白就像是两只小纸人在对话一样，

『丞。。丞。。丞。。琳。。琳。。送。。送。。送。。给。。给。。给。。你。。’
‘是。。是。。是。。是。。的。。希。。希。。希。。望。。望。。你。。会。。喜欢。。’
‘啊。。不。。不。。可。。可。。可。。可。。气。。’』

这是对白，请你念出你的对白好不好？


Flow Of Story: 6/10
故事情节的发展还蛮流畅，就是从这个对话场景接到下个对话场景罢了。虽然有点纳闷，但起码一点都不会混乱。至少我能理解整个故事的进展。如果能省略一些不必要的对白和角色，故事会更好。


Writing Style: 3/5
你表面上看似是以记叙文的方式写下这个故事的。但，你缺乏生动感的写法和剧本对话的写法有何差别呢？而且我已经清楚表明你的对白的结构已经让我烦闷到不行了。就是一坨台词加上几个‘说’而已。不过你把他们的想法（ＰＯＶ）加入进入是个较好的尝试。
建议：你写个故事可以加以形容场景、感想、举动、等等。效果会更加好。


Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
基本上，可能因为长度的关系，我真的读得有点纳闷。
虽然我读完了整个故事，我却没能对任何一个情节有任何深刻的影象。

我对小细节很敏感，像在第二十篇，你写自己退房的价钱是1000台币　（ＳＧＤ＄５０）。常识跟我说这么一点小数目根本就刷不到卡嘛！
幸好这是个轻松的爱情故事。让我偶尔会对故事里的情节（不管是好是坏）笑了笑。


Bonus marks: 5/5
回应读者－２分
完整作品－２分
credit─１分


Total mark: 44/80 = (55/100)


Additional comments:
其实我看得出你的用心，尤其是在每一篇的开头。我很喜欢你所写的东西。有点触动人心，但我却无法与你在下面所写得作出任何关联。换句话说，你写出来的东西根本无法带出来你要表达的情感。

我倒觉得你可以发挥故事的标题。你的开头很不错，丞琳的‘悲惨的经历’和军翔那位‘野蛮恶少’但随着故事还不到３篇，丞琳就被收留了，而军翔的野蛮行为也到此为止了。从这里开始，你的故事情节就不存在了。

建议你去参考一些扣人心弦的小说故事，祝福你下次能写出更有深度的作品来。

Paper Cranes [MT Challenge]

Title: Paper Cranes [MT Challenge]
Author: WZ
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/WZ7/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
I can’t comment on a challenge fic title, can I?

Poster & Background : 4/5
No background, so it’s upon 5.

I liked the poster, the colours were well picked and the blend with seamless. Well, my own grievance would be that maybe more could still be done?

Forewords
Technically you didn’t have any forewords. And I decided against penalizing you for it.

Cast Used: 2/5
I felt your characterization lacking in this fic. More could have been said about how she felt or how he felt. Who he was and who she was. I was okay with you not naming your characters, but I felt no connection to your characters whatsoever.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
Okay, faking a lie to leave a girl wasn’t the most creative of ideas. In fact I just did a review of a story like that last night. Neither was a third party intrusion. The only part that I would count as creative in your whole story would be that you decided to leave it as a sad ending. Ie: The girl and the guy did not end up together. But it wasn’t enough to warrant you a pass though.

Story & Plotting: 6/15
I enjoyed the ending due to my, sadist love of unhappy endings. But more than that, I enjoyed how the fic left me hanging of sorts. I liked how you left it in two lines instead of having to tell the readers word for word what had happened. And I liked how two lines managed to tie the whole story together. Kudos!

But apart from that, I had problems with your story. You didn’t do enough to brew the story (which would actually cut down the impact of your ending, but that’s beside the point) and it just felt lacking. I wanted to know more about her and him. Paint me the place, paint me the colours so that I would be feel absorbed with the story. The lack of descriptions also meant that it failed to elicit an emotion for me. You were supposed to make me feel something.

Very underdeveloped plot and thus very disappointing.

And and as creativity, I couldn’t pass you as your underdeveloped plot overwrote the impressive ending.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I liked your sentences. It just felt good reading a fic with a proper flow after all the junk that I had read. Vocabulary was pretty precise and showed some depth. Perhaps you could work on word play and other more advanced usage of the language to improve. Otherwise, nice =)

Flow Of Story: 4/10.
I could understand how the story went. But the main problem was that the story didn’t feel smooth enough. I felt that for a more emotional piece like yours, I needed to hear the melody of the story which I couldn’t. The story seemed to move a little too fast, you could have slowed down, ie: Put in more descriptions to freeze some scenes.

Writing Style: 2/5
ONE LINERS! I felt that this was a manifestation of your underdeveloped plot. It lacked impact and did not show the story well as a whole. And maybe due to that, it lacked voice. The 2 came because I did like some of your beautiful sentences.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I enjoyed the ending (Ie the final two lines).But I felt the build up was quite bad which I would personally attribute it to the length of the fic. I liked where you were coming from but it lacked development. I felt that you could have went in depth in either exploring more emotions, ie a more descriptive piece and work on both of their innerthoughts and fine actions or you could add recollections to the piece to make it more whole.

A pity actually, it had a huge potential.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For the attempt. For the nice ending that did make me sigh. For the courage to write such a short fic =)

Total mark: 40/75 (53/100)

Additional comments:
Nice ideas. I enjoyed how you left me longing. But perhaps the main problem was the genre that this fic fell in. When you write an emotional piece like that, more emotions must be injected. I mean if this was a thriller, then perhaps this might be more acceptable. Always remember, your readers must feel something from it. They must be drawn. Let them cry if they may, because if they did, you had succeeded.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)

No! HongGi Is Not My Brother

Title: No! HongGi Is Not My Brother!

Author: Kim_my*

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/honggi_brother/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title:-

I can’t comment on a challenge fic title, can I?

Poster & Background : 4.5/5

I have a hunch that the poster is not a generic poster so I am grading on it. No background, so the total would be upon 5.
I absolutely adored the poster. The reason why I did not give 5/5 was because I refused to give full marks. Otherwise, I just love it. Almost perfect.

Forewords: 8/10

Beautifully written. One thing that I really liked what that it gave no hint of romance. It seemed to be something about kinship and my first reaction was actually “Joy to the world”. I loved the punch of “Anyone would be envious of their sweetness since they was reaching mid forties and still so loving to each other like a couple just fell in love. But I was not.”
I would suggest that you weave in the characters for a better impact and more complete forewords.
But otherwise, well done.

Cast Used: 2/5

I wasn’t too impressed with your characterizations. For a one shot like yours, I was expecting a more detailed analysis of both Belle and Hong which you did not offer me. All I got was that Belle was this girl that the parents ignored and then turned antisocial. And it wasn’t even shown but rather told to me by the author. On the other hand, I barely had anything solid about Honggi. Both characters felt pretty flat to me and seemed as though they could walk out from any fic.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15

I swear I saw the orphanage idea appearing in shows and fics pretty often.
The whole third party coming from parents thing appeared in 7 out of 10 fics I read.
And seriously, the whole falling in love with the brother thing was so Korean drama. How creative could that be? And since it was the possibly the main backbone of your story, I could not pass you for this section.
But I would give it to you for exploring the whole brother-sister relationship issue and how the Honggi tried to help Belle step out of it.

Story & Plotting: 2/15
FAIL.
Your plot freaking does NOT make sense. Okay wait, it did make sense that the parents liked Brendan more than Belle and Belle became introverted after that. And the only sense you had ended there.
Why would a single girl be a housemate with a male? Wouldn’t that be dangerous?
Why would Brendon do such a thing as to lie to Belle to help her overcome Brendon? I did not understand how by doing that Belle would get over it? In fact, from what I read from your fic, Belle didn’t seem to show visible signs of recovering.
All in all, I felt that your plot’s a flop.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

I felt that you had fundamental problems with your grammar. But disclaimer first, I did understand your fic fully. But the wrong usage of vocabulary and your grammar were a total nuisance.
Grammar first. STORIES SHOULD BE TOLD IN PAST TENSE. Rotating tenses as and when you like was IRRITATING.
Vocabulary. Some of the choices of your words were wrong. For example : “entwined my fingers with his” should be intertwined I believe? Also “I didn’t meant to hurt you, it was the only way to make you misunderstand,” So what were you talking about?

Flow Of Story: 6/10

Well, the story flowed pretty okay. I wasn’t lost at any spot although you did rotate between time frames. And I gave you a 6 because you managed to keep the readers between 2-3 time frames without making us feel lost.

Writing Style: 2/5

Could bland be considered a writing style? Okay to be frank, your writing style wasn’t atrocious but there was a apparent lack of depth and just simply boring, It sounded more like a narration than an emotional piece and it could not draw me to the things that were happening in the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10

Your fic was a disappointment. I hated the ending. It felt like the woke up and it was a dream type of story which totally irked me. Also, your writing could not attract me at all. It felt like reading a longer version of a story synopsis than the story itself.

Bonus marks: 1/5

I liked how you dealt with the challenge title. It was pretty good. But that was basically about it. Nothing else that was worth another bonus.

Total mark: 37.5/85 (44/100)

Additional comments:

Em I think I said all that was needed. I thought the story was ridiculous and not well written. It didn’t feel passionate or emotional enough for me.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Whispers From The Dead

Title: Whispers From The Dead
Author: AsianSensation:)
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wftd
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 7/10
I quite liked the title actually. It sounded pretty good. The only problem was firstly, the title sounded more eerie than thrilling. I liked how the title actually managed to link with the plot very well.

However, was it just me or did the title sounded a little too familiar?

Poster & Background : 3.5/5
No background. So this would be upon 5.

The photoshop’s pretty well done and my only complain would be that the poster looked a little more thriller-ish as compared to the slightly eerie title.

Forewords: 1/10
Two problems with your forewords. A) It did not describe any of the characters at all. B) It actually sounded boring. I mean, maybe the plot did sound intriguing to you and some of your readers but definitely not me, a thriller and mystery fan. It was in fact an overused plot in half the New York Times Bestsellers. Another slight problem on top of the two was the lack of a tagline which would give a thriller the necessary punch.

Well, on the other hand, don’t be discouraged as yet as your forewords barely said anything which meant that the story might get better as it went on.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
Hebe and Arron was a commonly used but safe couple. Characterisation wise, although it was present, more could be done. I appreciated the effort for Hebe’s characterization, it was definitely way above average but I felt the intensity could be stepped up and more could be done. On the other hand, I hesitated in giving you a 4 was because Arron felt pretty 2D still. He seemed just some nice fiancé for Hebe and nothing else. For a fic with only 2 main characters, both characters had to be fully developed to warrant a good cast mark.

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Fresh storyline.

I liked how Hebe was from a mental hospital and how she murdered her mother. There were still loose ends to be tied up as the story was not complete. However, up to now, it had been pretty creative.

Also, I liked how instead of putting the whole Hebe’s past in one full prose, you broke it up into bits and pieces of recollections.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
I thought it was a pity but you did not bring out the plot as well as I would have liked it to be. You had good ideas but somehow, when I read your story, it became confusing. (Ref Flow) and your story lacked a certain X factor to fully absorb me in. Some parts were indeed nicely put across and built up but some could have been better.

A few pointers for you. This fic needed a little more description of Hebe’s mental state and the surrounding. Colour the place for the readers. Tell us where the things were. Slow down some of the motion. Change the angles. Make it more disturbing.

In fact, the main problem with your plot was that I wasn’t disturbed enough by Hebe. I had more sympathy for her than feeling freaked out which basically meant that you did pretty well to describe her past but not good enough for present.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
TENSES! Honey, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Repeat after me, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Your tense mistakes were to freaking glaring that irritating that I almost smashed the wall (figuratively, duh) And I did penalize you pretty heavily on that because A) I read other reviews which had already attempted to point out to you the problem and B) I felt that this error’s too basic that it would pretty much undermine your other “better aspects”.

I also had a problem with some of your vocabulary usage. For example: the phrase “try on wedding clothing?”Well the sentence was technically correct but I felt that it didn’t sound as good. Perhaps it would have been better if you said something on the lines of “Try on the bridal gowns,” or “Try on the wedding gowns,”

Basically, I felt that your English was actually okay besides the two points that I mentioned and that you did slip into improper English once a while but enough to make feel uncomfortable. For example : “Her voice seemed to echo so loud” should be “Her voice seemed to echo so loudly”

Flow Of Story: 4/10
I had a problem with your POV swoop in Chapter 1. Well, since we at Winglin did not have the luxury to use italicized font during posting, we would have to indicate clearly when the POV.I was confused by the sudden change of POV from the first to the third without any clear indication. Well how to do it in a way that would not irritate the readers? That’s the art.

As your laspes in the above did affect my reading, so I couldn’t really mark you too high for flow.

Writing Style: 2/5
You definitely improved from the previous story but more could still be done. You would need to find your niche in language, something distinctive to call your own. Though so, I guessed your language was a big obstacle in achieving a good writing style. So perhaps you could work on your language first.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Well, I guessed what needed to be said were almost all said above. I did enjoy the idea but you had problems bringing it across. There were paragraphs that that did gripped me ass well. But as a whole, the story still lacked punch.

Also, while this fic was fresh for Winglin, I had read stories/saw shows that engaged with themes like that as well. So it also brought down my overall enjoyment a little.

Bonus marks: 3/5
I liked the humility that you showed through the A/Ns. I liked the fact that you attempted something special. And the final bonus was because, I did like the idea as I do am the emo queen =)

Total mark: 54 /95 (57/100)

Additional comments:
And I know the grade’s pretty low for a fic. Well perhaps I was bias, because I tend to have higher expectations for fics with themes like yours because I literally grew up with them.

Em. I thought you had a good idea brewing. But the way you put across was not sleek enough to convey that image to the readers which I felt was a pity. But don’t be discouraged by this one, it was a hard fic even for myself to write. It would be hard to control the fic in general and I really appreciated your attempt. To quote an inadequate analogy it would be of an amateur singer trying to sing You Light Up My Life or some classic. There would be mistakes but those mistakes would not mean you suck but rather that the song was too hard.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Plenitude

Title: Plenitude

Author: by Tvbfann;]

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/plenitude/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 8.5/10

Lovely Title.. It attracts my attention when I first see it.. Short and sweet.. Good.. :) However, I don't see the link between the title and the story, so, i mark down on that.. No offends, just a penny of my thoughts.. :)

Poster & Background = 7/10

Seriously.. I couldn't bear to mark you down.. As I can see you made an effort to made your own poster.. But.. However, I don't really think the background match well with the poster.. Though the poster lacks the beauty, but at least it's still not a sore to the eye.. Another thing, the poster give me a moody theme, yet, it's not the same theme i get for the story.. No offends, It's a penny of my thought..

Foreword = 7/10

Your foreword is a detail one, yet, you seems to reveal too much detail for the story in it.. The cast intro is a detail and good one.. However, the detail of the intro bored me out a little, refrain of putting too much detail into it, more detail can be insert into the story when times goes.. But i like the quotes at the end of the foreword.. :) One more thing.. Your cast intro is a little long-winded and choopy in some sense.. You like to cramp everything up into 1 whole sentence where there is no need for it.. Try spacing your words out a little.. If not,they will look too choppy..

Example:

Instead of writting like this..
Charmaine Sheh --->She may seem carefree and those sorts of I-don’t-care person but inside, she is emotional and she does care a lot but she doesn’t show out her feelings easily. No one really understood what she was thinking, not even her biological parents whom passed away long time ago. Many people think that she is weird and she has got attitude problems. She is really kind-hearted, but she seemed to look like she has got a feisty temper but she doesn’t. She doesn’t have a proper job since she always get into arguments with her bosses and at most, her job only lasts for 2 months.

You can try breaking down the sentence and space them apart well..
Like this..

Charmaine Sheh --->
She may seem carefree and have sort of I-don't-care attitude..
But deep down inside her heart, She is a very emotional person..
She does care a lot but she just doesn't show her feeling out easily..
No one really understood what she was thinking, not even her parent whom passed away years ago..
Many people think that she is weird and had attitude problem..
She is really kind hearted..
She may seemed to look like she has a feisty temper, yet she doesn't..
She doesn't have a proper job since she always get into arguments with her bosses..
At most time, her job only lasts for 2 months..

Doesn't this looks more clear and smooth?? NO offend, just a penny of my thoughts..

Cast = 4/5

I love your casting.. No bias-ness.. Because i can see the effort you put in to shape with your own characterisation for the story.. I don't totally mark on cast used.. I usually, Also mark on the characterisation of the cast in the story.. So i can see your effort for that..

Originality & Creativity = 8 /15

One look in the foreword says all.. The topical love storyline in all around winglin.. It doesn't stand out too much.. Nothing too special about it.. As the story isn't complete yet, i hope more original ideas plus creative-ness will be added in to made the story more, interesting.. :) For example, you may consider adding in a little twist here and there in the story to make it more interesting.. :)

Plot = 8/15

General speaking.. Your storyline and plots are typical around winglin.. All are quite predictable for your plot.. SO i suggest you should add in a little twist here and there to made it, more interesting and less, boring in the sense that, it will not turn out to be as much as same what others write.. As your story is still not completed, i strongly suggest you to added some un-predicted events to surprise the readers.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

Not bad.. Hardly found any.. Only some small ones.. But overall it’s good.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 8.5/10

The story is smooth.. However, i will like to point out something here.. I notice you like to cramp everything up into one sentence when there isn't the need for it.. Making the story looks more choppy and long-winded.. What i mean is, try space out your words in the story.. They look a little choppy cramping up together..But overall, your story flow is neat..

Writing Style: 3/5

I like the way you write your story.. Clean and clear.. Easy to follow.. Good job.. :) Yet, what I mention in the flow of the story.. Cut off those choppy and long sentence.. Breaks long sentence into shorter and more easy to read on,Space out the words and sentence, Cramping them up together will made it look a little, choopy.. :) No offence again, Just a penny of my thought..

Overall enjoyment = 5/10

Honestly, the story sound more like a cliché drama to me.. I really hoping a little more of something out of it yet, i was a little dissapoint when i read on.. The good thing is, i like parts when Charmaine is in, like in the first chapter, how she defend herself from the customer and her actions really made me love her in this story.. Other then that, i am sorry to say, i really get a little bored out.. Honest speaking, your story is fine, just that your plot is just too typical out in winglin, like as i mention, maybe try adding in twist here and there to surprise your reader.. Maybe it will made the story more interesting.. :) No offend, just a penny of my thoughts..

Bonus Mark: 3/5

1 marks for linking us back.. 1 marks for you effort in making the poster.. 1 marks for replying reader's comment.. :)

Total: 71

Additional Comment:

Your story is fine.. What is lack, is maybe the sparks.. The sparks which will interested the reader to read on.. There are a lot of definition of sparks in story.. So i hope you can find your own definition for your own story and made it a better ones when time goes on.. It's very hard to explain what kind of sparks it is.. Honest speaking.. I hope you can try adding in more, surprise/twist into the story, so it will made the story more stand out in it's own.. No offend, just a penny of my thoughts..

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Hottie or not. Prepare to die.

Title: Hottie or not. Prepare to die.

Author: Starsha & Lil_Mickey

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Starsha_Mickey/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 2/10

2 and not 1 because firstly I liked even numbers and I guessed you were creative (whether in the right or wrong way that’s up to your discretion). Major problems. First, my English teacher taught me that all the letters in the title ought to be in caps. Two, it evoked a WTH response from me. Seriously, what had hottie (which wasn’t recorded in my dictionary. Maybe yours did? Please enlighten me which dictionary was it) got to do with death? That seemed to be a horrendous amoral lesson on looks equated to everywhere. Tsk Tsk.

Poster & Background : 3.5/5

No background. So your total is upon 5 instead of 10.
I quite liked the poster. The art work’s pretty well it did stand out for me. However, I hesitated with a 4 because I doubted that this piece required that much of a skill. Nice nonetheless.

Foreword: 3/10

The first half of the forewords killed my interest. The whole list of characters with no characterization bored me and took some of your marks away.The prologue. Ie the second part. Excessive one liners put me off. Alternating tenses, more complains. And this got me cracking for the wrong reason:“I ALWAYS arrive on time like 30 minutes earlier.”Em. On time meant punctual. You couldn’t be on time and be 30 minutes earlier.The whole prologue flowed pretty okay, but it did not sustain my interest at all. In fact, by the end of the fic all I felt was a typical chick flick was coming up and I could not suppress a yawn.

Cast Used: 2/5

I am absolutely at peace with your choice of cast.
But I am absolutely troubled by your characterization. Seul Gi did not seem like someone that irriating to start with. But as the story progressed, it seemed that Ayumi had a problem with her and I found myself scratching my head. I was under the impression that they were best friends and perhaps Ayumi did grumble about her but in a sisterly way. But towards the end, it seemed to me that Ayumi had a problem with Seul Gi?
I also spotted an absolute lack of characterization for the guys. Perhaps, the problem was rooted in having too many characters?

Originality & Creativity: 2/15

By the time I was halfway through chapter 1 I knew the story already. Nothing in this fic till now had struck me as particularly original. So pardon the unoriginality of this section of the review.
Boring. Ayumi, the girl-next-door-turned-idol was going to end up with Yunho after quite a bit of struggles. And they would be on arguing couple. Chae Yon died (not literally of course) and Seul Gi learnt her lesson. The perfect model for the fairytale ending.
And now, which part of it wasn’t somewhat featured before in some idol/Korean drama?

Story & Plotting: 7/15

I would only judge on what had already been written and well, since the story had not hit climax yet, my judgement might not be comprehensive. A major problem that I encountered was that of the Ayumi-Seul Gi relationship which I mentioned earlier.
Another one was the whole Ayumi became idol process. It was a tad unrealistic. If Ayumi was as you had described as ebing drenched and stinky, how come the judges did not say anything? And I didn’t see how come Ayumi could still be signed on like that. In the first place, I do feel that SM auditions would have a long queue of people, fighting their way through and having various rounds unlike what was depicted in your fic. And usually after that, the star had to do make over. A photoshoot the next day was pretty unlikely as well.
A final problem I had was that that of how Seul Gi would work under Chae Yon. It didn’t even make sense for Seul Gi to be serving cookies and drinks. What were personal assistants for?

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10

Question: When would the usage of profanities be appropriate?Ans: When trying to bring across a point. Either, as part of a characterization tool or to show some form of extreme emotion.

Question: Did you use profanities for those two ends?Answer: No. All I did see was profanities littering everywhere for the sake of it.

Just to highlight a couple problems:
"I walked so fast and rough it felt like I was going to crack the ground into two, but instead I softened up the ground a little..?"What do you think you are? Cow softening soil?
“I was stepping right on a mushy substance of dog doo doo.”What is dog doo doo?
Okay I couldn’t fail you because I did understand you fic though the grammar could be off at times.

Flow Of Story: 4/10

It was going okay for a while until another POV kicked in. That move in itself irritated me to no end and that was not to mention that I got lost at chapter 3 because after 2 chapters of Ayumi’s monologue I couldn’t get use to another’s person POV and had to constantly remind myself that it was someone else and not Ayumi’s POV.
Otherwise, story flows okay. I could understand what was going on.

Writing Style: 1/5

Lacking. I hated the POVs swoop thing personally. Excessive one liners got on my nerves as well. There wasn’t enough description to even show you had a distinct style either.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10

I did not enjoy the fic.

Bonus marks: 2/5

For some genuine funny moments.

Total mark: 36.5 /95 (38/100)

Additional comments: Well it's a tad low. But I do have to make a disclaimer here. If you end this story well, the marks might

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)