Indelible Sins

Title: Indelible Sins

Author: shattered teardrops

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_indelible

Reviewed By: Yuki.

Title: 8/10

Your title does hold a deep meaning to it. The word ‘sin’ might be commonly used, however ‘indelible’ added a whole fresh meaning to the title. It gives a feeling of many hidden secrets behind the title and it certainly made me want to click on the first chapter straightaway. Good job! ^^

Poster&Background: 5 /10

Although the poster isn’t made by a professional, but I can see the effort you put in to make the poster. You also did make an effort to find suitable pictures of the cast to suit the mood of your story. However, the text was a little awkward. Your background is just a simple black background, but it was an effort made to change it. Since you changed the font colour to white, I think you should also change the link colour to make it look better. It looks weird when the whole page is dark and the chapter links are dark blue.

Foreword: 6/10

You shouldn’t begin your forewords with introductions on the casting and things you want to tell the readers. The prologue managed to sustain my attention but it died down after the sentences ‘I, Kim JaeJoong…’ and ‘I am Gillian Chung…’ You shouldn’t introduce the characters this way; it doesn’t sustain the mystery because the character’s lives have been introduced roughly. It would be better if you didn’t write in the character’s point of view.Cast Used: 4/5The personality of both casts were rather special. Gillian’s personality was strong and difficult while JaeJoong’s personality remained quite uncertain. Even though Gillian’s personality is becoming more commonly used these days, the way you wrote the story made Gillian seemed much more than that. JaeJoong is hard to describe, (since only 5 chapters are up, I can’t really guess) but he’s definitely mysterious and mature.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15

It was indeed cliché to have one of the leads to be an assassin. There was a change though, from an assassin to a ‘prince’. What surprised me was that the two main leads didn’t meet by a blind date set by their elders. It was indeed surprising to find out that JaeJoong thought of Gillian as a beauty and not a nuisance.

Story&Plotting: 10/15

I got a little turned off when you revealed JaeJoong’s past in Chapter 2. You shouldn’t have done that at the beginning of the story, it spoils the mystery that everybody has been waiting for. His past should be revealed during certain events when there’s a link to his past or when somebody finds out about it. It didn’t seem much of an interest to me anymore since this story is based on the past. (Based on the form sent in by you) I do see much effort in trying to plot the story though.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

Your English is basically quite good. I spotted a few errors here and there but they weren’t obvious. You should try to use some phrases because sometimes words alone bores us. I see the effort when you provided translations for the Japanese conversation between JaeJoong and Gillian.

Flow Of Story: 6/10

The flow of the story, I have to say, is moving a little too fast. The main problem is because the past of JaeJoong was revealed way before it should be, thus making the flow seemingly fast. I’m glad that Gillian’s past hasn’t been revealed just yet so as to add on to the mystery of the story and let readers have something to look forward to.

Writing Style: 3/5

The dialogues were fine and easy to differentiate. You describe the character’s actions rather well, and you explain what some little actions meant in fear that your readers might not understand the meaning of why you added a particular sentence. There was sufficient describing but little emotions shown. You should add in how the character feels about something instead of what the character thinks of it. There is a big difference between the two. The story would be more enjoyable if both factors are balanced.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10It was enjoyable to have something rather new to read. I can see that you made an effort to try to make the story interesting by adding ‘to be continued…’ to keep readers in suspense of what might be coming next. Other than JaeJoong’s past, the rest of the story kept me in perfect suspense ^^.

Bonus marks: 3/5

You do reply to your readers to communicate with them. I can see that you try really hard ^^.

Total mark: 68 /100~~~~~~~

Additional comments:
Try to focus more on emotions. Your story is overall good ^^. It was just the part about revealing JaeJoong’s past that is not exactly good. You still did a great job though.

Reviewed by Yuki. @ midnight-tree.co.nr