Title: It’s Not as Cool as it Seems
Author: Asian_Innocence
Reviewed By: Sushi
Title: 3/10
At the moment, Cho Min doesn’t seem to be distressing the fact that she hates living with DBSK. I think she actually enjoys living there and doesn’t mind being their maid. Therefore, I’m not sure how your title applies to the story. It might turn out differently at the end so I’ll give you some points for the title.
At the moment, Cho Min doesn’t seem to be distressing the fact that she hates living with DBSK. I think she actually enjoys living there and doesn’t mind being their maid. Therefore, I’m not sure how your title applies to the story. It might turn out differently at the end so I’ll give you some points for the title.
Poster & Background: 5/10
Although the stars on the background are appropriate and link to the story, I don’t like it. It’s too flashy and distracts me from the story plus, it sort of has a ‘little girl who is into unicorns’ sort of feel to it. The poster is good, but not great. Although I like the picture you have chosen for the female character, I feel that the shabby background had pulled the quality of the poster down with it. It gives an impression of the story to be cheap and pathetic, which it isn’t.
Although the stars on the background are appropriate and link to the story, I don’t like it. It’s too flashy and distracts me from the story plus, it sort of has a ‘little girl who is into unicorns’ sort of feel to it. The poster is good, but not great. Although I like the picture you have chosen for the female character, I feel that the shabby background had pulled the quality of the poster down with it. It gives an impression of the story to be cheap and pathetic, which it isn’t.
Foreword: 7/10
When you said love, I actually though real pure love not just some crazy fan girl crush. And you should state in your foreword that Cho Min was trying to see her favourite band while on vacation. Nearly throughout the first chapter, I thought she was just trying to visit her cousin, Yun Ho. Be clearer in your foreword to avoid misunderstandings.
The key notes you have provided was totally unnecessary, maybe except for the rated parts bit. The reader will understand when a character will be talking or thinking without your reminder.
When you said love, I actually though real pure love not just some crazy fan girl crush. And you should state in your foreword that Cho Min was trying to see her favourite band while on vacation. Nearly throughout the first chapter, I thought she was just trying to visit her cousin, Yun Ho. Be clearer in your foreword to avoid misunderstandings.
The key notes you have provided was totally unnecessary, maybe except for the rated parts bit. The reader will understand when a character will be talking or thinking without your reminder.
Cast Used: 2.5/5
Well, I can’t say that the cast you used were totally inapplicable to the story since it’s actually based on the lives of DBSK and the Yun Ho’s cousin, which is fictional, I presume? I have never heard of her name before so forgive me if she is an actual person. However, the personalities of DBSK aren’t really distinctive. Jae Jeong and Yun Ho, you can tell them apart from the rest of the guys but the remainders? To be frank, if you were to name them all the same name, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they have split personalities if you know what I mean. They seem to all be trying to pull off an innocent and cute act. I have never really been interested in DBSK and this is the first fan fiction or anything really, that I read about them. For it to be easier for a newcomer, you should create a variety of personalities. Apart from that, everything is fine.
Well, I can’t say that the cast you used were totally inapplicable to the story since it’s actually based on the lives of DBSK and the Yun Ho’s cousin, which is fictional, I presume? I have never heard of her name before so forgive me if she is an actual person. However, the personalities of DBSK aren’t really distinctive. Jae Jeong and Yun Ho, you can tell them apart from the rest of the guys but the remainders? To be frank, if you were to name them all the same name, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they have split personalities if you know what I mean. They seem to all be trying to pull off an innocent and cute act. I have never really been interested in DBSK and this is the first fan fiction or anything really, that I read about them. For it to be easier for a newcomer, you should create a variety of personalities. Apart from that, everything is fine.
Originality & Creativity: 10.5/15
Your story is quite creative. Having the Cho Min visit her cousin for the holidays but only to have her possessions stolen and was forced to live with them for a while. But I thought about her having to become a maid… Even though that’s the point of the story, I though you could do better than that. A lot of dramas I’ve seen had the main couples forced to become maids or housekeeper (Why Why Love and Witch Yoo Hee to name a few). Since I’m only judging from chapters one to five, I can’t really tell what’s going to happen.
Your story is quite creative. Having the Cho Min visit her cousin for the holidays but only to have her possessions stolen and was forced to live with them for a while. But I thought about her having to become a maid… Even though that’s the point of the story, I though you could do better than that. A lot of dramas I’ve seen had the main couples forced to become maids or housekeeper (Why Why Love and Witch Yoo Hee to name a few). Since I’m only judging from chapters one to five, I can’t really tell what’s going to happen.
Story & Plotting: 10/15
Okay, your chapters are WAY too long. You have no idea what I went through just trying to finish one chapter! I mean twenty pages on word? No wonder it took me at least three attempts to finish each chapter. You don’t have to squash everything in one chapter. There is no limit on how long your story has to be. Spread it out; make it simpler for the reader. I’m not telling you to chop your story, just write it and keep it neat. I deducted three points for the everlasting chapters that drowned me. The other two are for writing in Korean vocabulary. Like I said, not all DBSK fans might read your story. When I write my own fictions, I find readers who had no idea who my celebrities are. What I’m trying to say is, readers who are unfamiliar to Korean language will have no idea what you’re on about. Put the English translation in brackets beside the Korean word or like you did with the others, but a * next to ALL of the Korean words, like Oppa; Aniyo etc. Just once would be sufficient.
Okay, your chapters are WAY too long. You have no idea what I went through just trying to finish one chapter! I mean twenty pages on word? No wonder it took me at least three attempts to finish each chapter. You don’t have to squash everything in one chapter. There is no limit on how long your story has to be. Spread it out; make it simpler for the reader. I’m not telling you to chop your story, just write it and keep it neat. I deducted three points for the everlasting chapters that drowned me. The other two are for writing in Korean vocabulary. Like I said, not all DBSK fans might read your story. When I write my own fictions, I find readers who had no idea who my celebrities are. What I’m trying to say is, readers who are unfamiliar to Korean language will have no idea what you’re on about. Put the English translation in brackets beside the Korean word or like you did with the others, but a * next to ALL of the Korean words, like Oppa; Aniyo etc. Just once would be sufficient.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
The spelling was well done; I could barely find anything wrong with it.
The grammar however had a couple of errors. “When someone is talking like so, you put a comma after the spoken sentence,” Sushi said. “Not a full stop. A full stop is only applied when you don’t actually say ‘he said’ or ‘she exclaimed’ after it.”
For example: “I’m not an American citizen.” She said, taking a sip of her warm milk. The full stop has to be a comma whilst ‘She’ is not capitalized. Take note of that because it is repeated many times in your story.
There are also some issues with your sentence structures. Firstly, there are so many pointless commas! It’s like you just abused that key on your keyboard. A comma is when someone would pause for effect or take a short breathe. You had commas in nearly every sentence for every couple of words. Proof read your story (and you will see how dreadfully lengthy it is) and read it in character. For example, pause at every full stop and comma and think if the expression you chosen is correct.
For example: Jumping out of bed, she quickly walked to the front, put her shoes on, and left the apartment. Okay, for that sentence you can easily get rid of those excess commas and form it into: After jumping out of bed, Cho Min walked excitedly to the front of the apartment and slid into her shoes after closing the door behind her. This is just an example of how your sentence can still make sense without those commas!
When someone is thinking you don’t need to put ‘’ as thinking marks because there is no such thing. Once you have written the sentence of that person’s though, finish off with a comma and ‘thought Sushi’ or ‘Sushi thought’. Simple, right?
For example: ‘I wonder how YunHee-ah is doing. I wanna see her again.’ ChoMin thought… Okay, so like I said, you don’t have to add in the inverted apostrophes. Just a simple , Cho Min thought would be sufficient for the reader to understand that it is classified as a ‘thought’. I wonder how Yun Hee is doing? I really want to see her again, Cho Min thought. I just realised the word ‘wanna’. Don’t be lazy here!
As for vocabulary problems, I feel that there are some words that don’t suit that current situation. I do remember how you used ‘OMG’ etc instead of the real words. Don’t abbreviate. There’s nothing more to it. Unless it’s an acronym write the phrase word for word. Reread your story and you’ll understand. I don’t think you edited each chapter, right?
The spelling was well done; I could barely find anything wrong with it.
The grammar however had a couple of errors. “When someone is talking like so, you put a comma after the spoken sentence,” Sushi said. “Not a full stop. A full stop is only applied when you don’t actually say ‘he said’ or ‘she exclaimed’ after it.”
For example: “I’m not an American citizen.” She said, taking a sip of her warm milk. The full stop has to be a comma whilst ‘She’ is not capitalized. Take note of that because it is repeated many times in your story.
There are also some issues with your sentence structures. Firstly, there are so many pointless commas! It’s like you just abused that key on your keyboard. A comma is when someone would pause for effect or take a short breathe. You had commas in nearly every sentence for every couple of words. Proof read your story (and you will see how dreadfully lengthy it is) and read it in character. For example, pause at every full stop and comma and think if the expression you chosen is correct.
For example: Jumping out of bed, she quickly walked to the front, put her shoes on, and left the apartment. Okay, for that sentence you can easily get rid of those excess commas and form it into: After jumping out of bed, Cho Min walked excitedly to the front of the apartment and slid into her shoes after closing the door behind her. This is just an example of how your sentence can still make sense without those commas!
When someone is thinking you don’t need to put ‘’ as thinking marks because there is no such thing. Once you have written the sentence of that person’s though, finish off with a comma and ‘thought Sushi’ or ‘Sushi thought’. Simple, right?
For example: ‘I wonder how YunHee-ah is doing. I wanna see her again.’ ChoMin thought… Okay, so like I said, you don’t have to add in the inverted apostrophes. Just a simple , Cho Min thought would be sufficient for the reader to understand that it is classified as a ‘thought’. I wonder how Yun Hee is doing? I really want to see her again, Cho Min thought. I just realised the word ‘wanna’. Don’t be lazy here!
As for vocabulary problems, I feel that there are some words that don’t suit that current situation. I do remember how you used ‘OMG’ etc instead of the real words. Don’t abbreviate. There’s nothing more to it. Unless it’s an acronym write the phrase word for word. Reread your story and you’ll understand. I don’t think you edited each chapter, right?
Flow of Story: 10/10
The flow of the story so far is good. Nothing seemed out of place or forced upon. Everything fits together nicely. Props on the good work.
The flow of the story so far is good. Nothing seemed out of place or forced upon. Everything fits together nicely. Props on the good work.
Writing Style: 3/5
Apart from what I mentioned before about the tediously lengthy chapters, everything seems good, from what I see. Overall that is. I didn’t like how as each chapter continues, it transformed from being particularly descriptive into a story that is more into dialogue. Try and stick to the same format throughout.
Apart from what I mentioned before about the tediously lengthy chapters, everything seems good, from what I see. Overall that is. I didn’t like how as each chapter continues, it transformed from being particularly descriptive into a story that is more into dialogue. Try and stick to the same format throughout.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I liked this story. It was interesting and exciting at points. And if my predictions are correct, I think I know who will end up with who but I won’t throw points off that since you might just blow me away be making Cho Min end up with nobody! Keep up the good work and write shorter chapters!
I liked this story. It was interesting and exciting at points. And if my predictions are correct, I think I know who will end up with who but I won’t throw points off that since you might just blow me away be making Cho Min end up with nobody! Keep up the good work and write shorter chapters!
Bonus marks: 3/5
Okay, I have to deduct points for the long chapters. I’m still not over that yet! But I’ll give you a point for being considerate to the readers and translating some of the words they might not understand, one for disclaiming DBSK and another for acknowledging that you need to improve and are trying hard to. Good for you!
Okay, I have to deduct points for the long chapters. I’m still not over that yet! But I’ll give you a point for being considerate to the readers and translating some of the words they might not understand, one for disclaiming DBSK and another for acknowledging that you need to improve and are trying hard to. Good for you!
Total mark: 66/100 additional comments: The mark might be higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.
Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-
No comments:
Post a Comment