No! HongGi Is Not My Brother

Title: No! HongGi Is Not My Brother!

Author: Kim_my*

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/honggi_brother/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title:-

I can’t comment on a challenge fic title, can I?

Poster & Background : 4.5/5

I have a hunch that the poster is not a generic poster so I am grading on it. No background, so the total would be upon 5.
I absolutely adored the poster. The reason why I did not give 5/5 was because I refused to give full marks. Otherwise, I just love it. Almost perfect.

Forewords: 8/10

Beautifully written. One thing that I really liked what that it gave no hint of romance. It seemed to be something about kinship and my first reaction was actually “Joy to the world”. I loved the punch of “Anyone would be envious of their sweetness since they was reaching mid forties and still so loving to each other like a couple just fell in love. But I was not.”
I would suggest that you weave in the characters for a better impact and more complete forewords.
But otherwise, well done.

Cast Used: 2/5

I wasn’t too impressed with your characterizations. For a one shot like yours, I was expecting a more detailed analysis of both Belle and Hong which you did not offer me. All I got was that Belle was this girl that the parents ignored and then turned antisocial. And it wasn’t even shown but rather told to me by the author. On the other hand, I barely had anything solid about Honggi. Both characters felt pretty flat to me and seemed as though they could walk out from any fic.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15

I swear I saw the orphanage idea appearing in shows and fics pretty often.
The whole third party coming from parents thing appeared in 7 out of 10 fics I read.
And seriously, the whole falling in love with the brother thing was so Korean drama. How creative could that be? And since it was the possibly the main backbone of your story, I could not pass you for this section.
But I would give it to you for exploring the whole brother-sister relationship issue and how the Honggi tried to help Belle step out of it.

Story & Plotting: 2/15
FAIL.
Your plot freaking does NOT make sense. Okay wait, it did make sense that the parents liked Brendan more than Belle and Belle became introverted after that. And the only sense you had ended there.
Why would a single girl be a housemate with a male? Wouldn’t that be dangerous?
Why would Brendon do such a thing as to lie to Belle to help her overcome Brendon? I did not understand how by doing that Belle would get over it? In fact, from what I read from your fic, Belle didn’t seem to show visible signs of recovering.
All in all, I felt that your plot’s a flop.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

I felt that you had fundamental problems with your grammar. But disclaimer first, I did understand your fic fully. But the wrong usage of vocabulary and your grammar were a total nuisance.
Grammar first. STORIES SHOULD BE TOLD IN PAST TENSE. Rotating tenses as and when you like was IRRITATING.
Vocabulary. Some of the choices of your words were wrong. For example : “entwined my fingers with his” should be intertwined I believe? Also “I didn’t meant to hurt you, it was the only way to make you misunderstand,” So what were you talking about?

Flow Of Story: 6/10

Well, the story flowed pretty okay. I wasn’t lost at any spot although you did rotate between time frames. And I gave you a 6 because you managed to keep the readers between 2-3 time frames without making us feel lost.

Writing Style: 2/5

Could bland be considered a writing style? Okay to be frank, your writing style wasn’t atrocious but there was a apparent lack of depth and just simply boring, It sounded more like a narration than an emotional piece and it could not draw me to the things that were happening in the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10

Your fic was a disappointment. I hated the ending. It felt like the woke up and it was a dream type of story which totally irked me. Also, your writing could not attract me at all. It felt like reading a longer version of a story synopsis than the story itself.

Bonus marks: 1/5

I liked how you dealt with the challenge title. It was pretty good. But that was basically about it. Nothing else that was worth another bonus.

Total mark: 37.5/85 (44/100)

Additional comments:

Em I think I said all that was needed. I thought the story was ridiculous and not well written. It didn’t feel passionate or emotional enough for me.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)