Title: Proud
Author: Stars and Fireworks
Reviewed By: Sushi
Title: 1.5/10
At the moment Abby and Michael, even though they love Micky a lot, don’t seem to be ‘proud of his love’ (as quoted on your poster) yet. They seem to be trying to run away from it rather, so I’m not sure how your title fits in with the story. Throughout the eight chapters I’ve read, I didn’t get the notion of any sort of ‘proud’, either from Abby, Michael or Micky. Since your story has yet to be completed, try to intertwine the meaning of ‘proud’ in the text. I’ll give you a point and a half for the relevant subtitles.
Poster & Background: 7/10
The black background seems a bit plain, but it also sort of fits with the poignant narrative. It contrasts with the white font which makes it easier to read. The poster on the other hand, is very bright against the black background. I think the couple on the dock/pier seems sort of unnecessary, since it wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the plot. I like the comparison between Micky and ‘Michael’ though. As for the quote, the one that says ‘We’d both walk along together’. They didn’t actually go through all the hardships in life with each other. Micky left her for his career, leaving Abby to raise her son on her own. Although you might read this differently, that was what I was invited to see it.
Foreword: 9/10
I loved your foreword. It left me hanging and gave me a sense of longing, making me want to know more. I liked how you used such descriptive words expressing how much pain her son’s father had inflicted on her. Maybe it’s because I’m listening to a slow sad song in the background but I can sort of feel for her.
It wasn’t too short or too long. No extra information was given away. The only error was grammatical errors relating to wrong use of words and sentence structures, but apart from that your foreword was excellent.
Cast Used: 3/5
I like the cast; Abby being a strong and confident woman who raised her son well and Micky being a thoughtful man who realized the wrong in his life. What I didn’t like was how Micky isn’t as self-assured as Abby, always having to ask his hyung for advice. I find myself thinking, "Get it together and be a man!" whenever I find him backing out of a decision he made. The way you described Michael was good too. Kids his age always have the ‘what, when, where, why and how’ questions in their mind and you’ve demonstrated that. It’s very realistic.
Just a point I wanted to add. Who is Ricky? In one of the chapters, I think the last one, you mentioned a Ricky? Is it Micky’s brother? I checked the foreword and saw him there, but I still wasn’t too sure.
Originality & Creativity: 11.5/15
I sort of predicted that Micky would run away from his family when they reunite but then return to them. The story is original in a sense of the plot, but as for being creative… Add in some twists and turns throughout the story but make it flow consistently by adding some hints here and there.
Story & Plotting: 14/15
The way you plotted the story was good. Even though you didn’t say it was a flashback, I knew when it started and finished. The way you had two perspectives in the story helped the reader to understand and not be biased. It’s just that, each chapter is pretty short. Write a bit more so we can be satisfied!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were a couple of bad grammars in this story. Some sentence structures were needed to be edited. I wasn’t sure if this was a typing error since you had it incorrect at some points but correct for the rest of the time.
When someone is talking, you put a comma once they were done. For example:
"You have to practice your english, you know." I finally spoke in Korean.
It should really be:
"You have to practice your English, you know," I finally spoke in Korean. [English is a name so it needs a capital letter].
You have a problem with your tenses. I know that you know you have a problem with it. I’ve read your author’s note. Maybe you should choose a time [past, present or future] that’s easier for you and just follow on with that tense.
You put way too many trails (…) in when you don’t need to. There wasn’t a chapter where you didn’t have a trail. Resist the temptation and just use a comma when you want a pause.
At some point, you had some Korean vocabulary. (Hyung etc). Put an asterisk next to it and explain what it means at the bottom of the page. There might be people who aren’t Korean fanatics that read your story so translate the word for them to understand.
Flow of Story: 10/10
The flow of the story is going well. It started at the beginning with some flashbacks to explain some background information. I liked how you hinted that Micky dated a couple of girls in one of the earlier chapters and used that to create a problem for the story.
Writing Style: 5/5
Your writing style is quite well done. I love the way you described the heart wrenching feeling that Micky felt. It was so poetic and nice.
The story was sad in a way but you somehow added the comedic personality of the group into it as well. Even though you have done that, the comedy didn’t over take the melancholic feeling the reader feels.
Overall Enjoyment: 9/10
I thoroughly enjoyed this fiction. It was a simple yet dramatic entry. And just to have the fan girl inside me be released, a point was taken off for not having enough Yun Ho =p
Bonus marks: 4/5
A point for admitting your grammatical errors, another for answering the comments and two for the disclaimer at the beginning.
Total mark: 80/100
Additional comments: The mark might have been higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.
Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr
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