Was There Ever Anything Between Us?

Title: Was There Ever Anything Between Us?
Author: WinterNight
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beautifulwish7/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 3/10
Cliched title. And a really long one at that. I can see the obvious connection between the story. The title sort of led me to think that your story would be longer than one chapter or a one-shot.

Poster&Background: 2/10
You don't have a background so I can't give you any points on that front. Your choice of font color was a bit faint for my liking, I had to highlight your text to be able to read it without becoming lost. I admire that you created your poster yourself but it's a little too simple. The text choice was also poor, the script was hard to read. The white also doesn't stand out amongst the pink backing. I also didn't get the sense that you gave any thought to the choice of your pictures. The picture of Selina with her hair in a ponytail actually looks a lot like Hebe, so much that I thought it was actually her.

Foreword: 4/10
With a one-shot you usually don't need a long introduction. But your story was so brief that the short blurb of a background you provided was the only means I had of understanding your story. The forewords didn't do anything for me in terms of wetting my appetite. I wasn't drawn into the story at all.

Cast Used: 1/5
You really only used two characters. Selina and Jiro as a pairing is believable. Unfortunately, Selina as a not so pretty girl is not. I am not a believer that a little bit of makeup and letting your hair down will make you suddenly gorgeous. There was also no character development so I couldn't judge the depth of your characters and whether they were really suitable.

Originality & Creativity: 1.5/15
Once again, with only one chapter, and such a short chapter at that, I can't judge the depth of this story. I really hope that you'll consider re-editing and making this story longer. The story wasn't creative or original. The whole boy likes girl, girl likes boy and they both don't know line is overused and typical to any story. To be truthful, there are a hundreds of this type all over winglin. You need to create something in order to make it stand out. Otherwise, it's a dime a dozen.

Story&Plotting: 1/15
There really isn't any plot or story to this. The very basis of any story is to have a beginning, a middle and an end. At the very most your story has only a beginning. There is no middle and no end. I didn't have much to work with here. There was barely any context. You should also try to make your story interesting, which to me, it was not. I really wish you would consider editing or re-posting this story. You can build from what you wrote. But you cannot write a chapter and classify it as a one-shot.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 4/10
I picked up a couple of grammar problems. When using quotation marks, periods and commas are to be included inside them unless you have used exclamations or question marks. For example: "'How come I never notice it.', thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." The correct way to do it is : "'How come I never notice it,' thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." This problem occured a lot throughout your story. Also, you had some problems with your tenses. It is "noticed" instead of "notice". And you also used the word "thought" two times in one sentence, it's too excessive. Selina doesn't need to thoughtfully think two times in a row. Your vocabulary wasn't very complex. It was almost juvenile at times. But it was better than a lot of the other stories that I have read. Which is why it merited a full point.

Flow Of Story: 1/10
I can't really give you any points. I didn't get any flow in your story. You started abruptly from the dance and ended your story abruptly after Selina and Jiro danced. Remember, your story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. This is more of a fragment of a story, it's not enough to sustain a whole story.

Writing Style: 1/5
I think you can definitely improve your writing style. It's not too bad to start with, just awkward and startling. It gives off the sense of not being complete, but it's something you can work on.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/10
To be honest, I didn't enjoy this story very much. It was confusing and incomplete. It drives me nuts that you would even consider this story as completed.

Bonus marks: 1/5
I totally admire the fact that you would post this up as completed lol.

Total mark: 20.5/100

addtional comments: I hope you don't become too discouraged by your low grade. This is actually my first review in which I haven't needed to pull out my calculator. The biggest problem lies in the fact that this really cannot be considered a story. This may pass as a chapter or as an introduction, but as a story, it's incomplete and horrid. I'm really sorry for being so harsh and I don't mean to make you feel bad. I really really wish that you'll take this as constructive criticism and work harder and improve on your story the next time around. I also hope that you request from M-T again.

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr