When You Said You Loved Me *Complete*

Title: When You Said You Loved Me *Complete*
Author: Xara
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ms_Xara/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title : 4/10
Boring title but at least it was okay. And nothing more though. I thought the title reminded me of a song.

Poster&Background : 1/5
No background. So your total is upon 5 instead of 10.

Did you know the difference between a poster and a picture? Obviously you did not.. I would prefer if you didn’t put anything than to put something for the sake of putting something.

Foreword: 2/10
You made me curse. And I gave you 2 ‘coz I did a quick glimpse at 2-3 other chapters into your story and I realize you would possibly NOT pass any of them. In other words? Sympathy marks.

And to make this comment more useful, I would point out to you where exactly it is problematic. A) It did not interest me. It sounded to me as just a simple triangle love story besides the fact that it was a yaoi. B) You character introductions were horrid. More like, WHAT introductions? All I sensed was a rush piece of work from you without much thought. Honestly, I wouldn’t even want to move on to chapter 1. The only reason why I moved on was because I was reviewing you fic.

Cast Used: 2/5
Well, the 2 was for the fact that I could actually imagine Jae Joong and Changmin as a yaoi couple. Seriously, you barely had any characterization. I gave you the credit that you did try (thus that 2/5 and not 1) with the whacked manager and a protective JaeJoong but you characters still felt 2 dimensional to me.

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
Em. Tell me if a plot like that sound interesting to you. Boy A liked Girl A and Girl B. Boy C liked Girl A. And in the end, Boy A and Girl A ended up together, Boy C and Girl A ended together. Happy ending.

It’s Taiwan Idol Drama on replay.

All you did was to replace a girl character with a guy character to make the fic yaoi. End of story.

Nothing in your fic spells original or creative (and yes, I didn’t think a Yaoi pairing could be considered creative) so hence your grade.

Story&Plotting: 7/15
One, You obviously hadn’t gave your plot much thought. It just didn’t make sense when in chapter 9-10 you pictured DBSK as having a lot of bodyguards when in the previous few chaps you mentioned close to nothing about them. In fact, they seemed to be able to roam around pretty freely for that matter. And if the security was so tight, then how come Changmin can be assassinated in the first place?

Two. While it was possible for someone to like someone at the same time, but you made it sound as though Changmin was a fickle minded person. You made wonder if his feelings for JJ was real. I didn’t see the process of how Changmin chose JaeJoong over Rynn. It seem so.. abrupt. And on the same trail of thought, I don’t see the progress of how Rynn chose over KiBum over Changmin either.

Three. Your story felt pretty flat to me. Your climax where the 2 guys met at a café with Rynn as the final confrontation was boring to me. It didn’t excite me nor evoke any form of emotions. It seemed as though it was just there because you, as the author, needed to resolve the issue to end the story.

The reason for a 7? Because as bad as it was, you did have a plot.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

Seriously. It wouldn’t make a good first, maybe second, impression when your second sentence is grammatically wrong.

“Maybe its because she don’t really have much fat to burn.”

A little grammar 101 for you, its is use like this: The cat loved its kittens. The correct word for your sentence is it’s, which was used as follows: It’s mine, It’s is a short from for It is as a matter of fact. And she, being a singular pronoun should be followed by DOESN’T and not DON’T. Finally, we say much FATS and much FAT as fat is singular and would not correspond to much.

Another prevalent problem that I noticed in your fic in general is the usage of slang. I believe you are from Malaysia? Well I’m from Singapore and I can detect all these misuse.

“Now, I’ll send you exactly to your doorstep.. okay?” he insisted and smiled.”

Well, that is one example. The correct form would be, “I’ll send you right to your doorstep.” You wouldn’t be able to send exactly to someone’s doorstep you know. If you are so determined to use exact, then it would be something like, “I would send you to the exact location”

And now you say I was just being picky, But trust me, errors are littered everywhere and it made me wonder if it was merely typos. And mind you, those are basic English grammar errors.

One last thing though, I would have preferred if you have used past tense in your whole story as this is a narrative and not a non fiction piece.

Well, since I generally understand your story, technically I should have passed you. But due to thre fact that you have too many unexplained Korean terms that disrupt my reading, I have to deduct a point from your pass.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
I had a big problem with some of the lengths of your chapters. They were too SHORT. I mean many of these chapters could be condensed into one chapter. In fact these short chapters did nothing but reflect unprofessionalism on your part.

Besides that, like I have pinpointed in plotting, story moves a tad fast. Things were happening faster than they should, people are falling in love with each other within the snap of my fingers.

But you pass, because I understand your story and there was still some form of cause and effect present.

Writing Style: 1/5
The only thing I detected was the lack of emotions and a piece of writing that was done for the sake of doing it. Could that be called style?

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
I did not enjoy the fic. Period. Bad English and horrible plot were the perfect ingredients for a trashy fic.

Work on your English first, they were too glaring for me, who’s by the way, an untrained eye. The mistakes were way too basic. It made it look as though you just started the language at the beginning of the year or something.

Then maybe start to work on your characterization and plot.

Bonus marks: 0/5
Seriously.

What bonus?

Total mark: 30/95 (31.5/100)

Additional comments:

Didn’t like it. I mean seriously, to you fortune or misfortune, I read yaoi before and true yaoi writers know the essence of what a yaoi fic is. The dynamics and all are different from let’s say a normal BGR fic and you obviously have not grasped it. Also, there is also this lack of emotions that is radiating from your fic. It feels like you are writing for the sake of writing. If that is really so, my question is why do you write?

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)