Title: Whispers From The Dead
Author: AsianSensation:)
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wftd
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger
Title: 7/10
I quite liked the title actually. It sounded pretty good. The only problem was firstly, the title sounded more eerie than thrilling. I liked how the title actually managed to link with the plot very well.
However, was it just me or did the title sounded a little too familiar?
Poster & Background : 3.5/5
No background. So this would be upon 5.
The photoshop’s pretty well done and my only complain would be that the poster looked a little more thriller-ish as compared to the slightly eerie title.
Forewords: 1/10
Two problems with your forewords. A) It did not describe any of the characters at all. B) It actually sounded boring. I mean, maybe the plot did sound intriguing to you and some of your readers but definitely not me, a thriller and mystery fan. It was in fact an overused plot in half the New York Times Bestsellers. Another slight problem on top of the two was the lack of a tagline which would give a thriller the necessary punch.
Well, on the other hand, don’t be discouraged as yet as your forewords barely said anything which meant that the story might get better as it went on.
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Hebe and Arron was a commonly used but safe couple. Characterisation wise, although it was present, more could be done. I appreciated the effort for Hebe’s characterization, it was definitely way above average but I felt the intensity could be stepped up and more could be done. On the other hand, I hesitated in giving you a 4 was because Arron felt pretty 2D still. He seemed just some nice fiancé for Hebe and nothing else. For a fic with only 2 main characters, both characters had to be fully developed to warrant a good cast mark.
Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Fresh storyline.
I liked how Hebe was from a mental hospital and how she murdered her mother. There were still loose ends to be tied up as the story was not complete. However, up to now, it had been pretty creative.
Also, I liked how instead of putting the whole Hebe’s past in one full prose, you broke it up into bits and pieces of recollections.
Story & Plotting: 8/15
I thought it was a pity but you did not bring out the plot as well as I would have liked it to be. You had good ideas but somehow, when I read your story, it became confusing. (Ref Flow) and your story lacked a certain X factor to fully absorb me in. Some parts were indeed nicely put across and built up but some could have been better.
A few pointers for you. This fic needed a little more description of Hebe’s mental state and the surrounding. Colour the place for the readers. Tell us where the things were. Slow down some of the motion. Change the angles. Make it more disturbing.
In fact, the main problem with your plot was that I wasn’t disturbed enough by Hebe. I had more sympathy for her than feeling freaked out which basically meant that you did pretty well to describe her past but not good enough for present.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
TENSES! Honey, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Repeat after me, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Your tense mistakes were to freaking glaring that irritating that I almost smashed the wall (figuratively, duh) And I did penalize you pretty heavily on that because A) I read other reviews which had already attempted to point out to you the problem and B) I felt that this error’s too basic that it would pretty much undermine your other “better aspects”.
I also had a problem with some of your vocabulary usage. For example: the phrase “try on wedding clothing?”Well the sentence was technically correct but I felt that it didn’t sound as good. Perhaps it would have been better if you said something on the lines of “Try on the bridal gowns,” or “Try on the wedding gowns,”
Basically, I felt that your English was actually okay besides the two points that I mentioned and that you did slip into improper English once a while but enough to make feel uncomfortable. For example : “Her voice seemed to echo so loud” should be “Her voice seemed to echo so loudly”
Flow Of Story: 4/10
I had a problem with your POV swoop in Chapter 1. Well, since we at Winglin did not have the luxury to use italicized font during posting, we would have to indicate clearly when the POV.I was confused by the sudden change of POV from the first to the third without any clear indication. Well how to do it in a way that would not irritate the readers? That’s the art.
As your laspes in the above did affect my reading, so I couldn’t really mark you too high for flow.
Writing Style: 2/5
You definitely improved from the previous story but more could still be done. You would need to find your niche in language, something distinctive to call your own. Though so, I guessed your language was a big obstacle in achieving a good writing style. So perhaps you could work on your language first.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Well, I guessed what needed to be said were almost all said above. I did enjoy the idea but you had problems bringing it across. There were paragraphs that that did gripped me ass well. But as a whole, the story still lacked punch.
Also, while this fic was fresh for Winglin, I had read stories/saw shows that engaged with themes like that as well. So it also brought down my overall enjoyment a little.
Bonus marks: 3/5
I liked the humility that you showed through the A/Ns. I liked the fact that you attempted something special. And the final bonus was because, I did like the idea as I do am the emo queen =)
Total mark: 54 /95 (57/100)
Additional comments:
And I know the grade’s pretty low for a fic. Well perhaps I was bias, because I tend to have higher expectations for fics with themes like yours because I literally grew up with them.
Em. I thought you had a good idea brewing. But the way you put across was not sleek enough to convey that image to the readers which I felt was a pity. But don’t be discouraged by this one, it was a hard fic even for myself to write. It would be hard to control the fic in general and I really appreciated your attempt. To quote an inadequate analogy it would be of an amateur singer trying to sing You Light Up My Life or some classic. There would be mistakes but those mistakes would not mean you suck but rather that the song was too hard.
Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)
Author: AsianSensation:)
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wftd
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger
Title: 7/10
I quite liked the title actually. It sounded pretty good. The only problem was firstly, the title sounded more eerie than thrilling. I liked how the title actually managed to link with the plot very well.
However, was it just me or did the title sounded a little too familiar?
Poster & Background : 3.5/5
No background. So this would be upon 5.
The photoshop’s pretty well done and my only complain would be that the poster looked a little more thriller-ish as compared to the slightly eerie title.
Forewords: 1/10
Two problems with your forewords. A) It did not describe any of the characters at all. B) It actually sounded boring. I mean, maybe the plot did sound intriguing to you and some of your readers but definitely not me, a thriller and mystery fan. It was in fact an overused plot in half the New York Times Bestsellers. Another slight problem on top of the two was the lack of a tagline which would give a thriller the necessary punch.
Well, on the other hand, don’t be discouraged as yet as your forewords barely said anything which meant that the story might get better as it went on.
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Hebe and Arron was a commonly used but safe couple. Characterisation wise, although it was present, more could be done. I appreciated the effort for Hebe’s characterization, it was definitely way above average but I felt the intensity could be stepped up and more could be done. On the other hand, I hesitated in giving you a 4 was because Arron felt pretty 2D still. He seemed just some nice fiancé for Hebe and nothing else. For a fic with only 2 main characters, both characters had to be fully developed to warrant a good cast mark.
Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Fresh storyline.
I liked how Hebe was from a mental hospital and how she murdered her mother. There were still loose ends to be tied up as the story was not complete. However, up to now, it had been pretty creative.
Also, I liked how instead of putting the whole Hebe’s past in one full prose, you broke it up into bits and pieces of recollections.
Story & Plotting: 8/15
I thought it was a pity but you did not bring out the plot as well as I would have liked it to be. You had good ideas but somehow, when I read your story, it became confusing. (Ref Flow) and your story lacked a certain X factor to fully absorb me in. Some parts were indeed nicely put across and built up but some could have been better.
A few pointers for you. This fic needed a little more description of Hebe’s mental state and the surrounding. Colour the place for the readers. Tell us where the things were. Slow down some of the motion. Change the angles. Make it more disturbing.
In fact, the main problem with your plot was that I wasn’t disturbed enough by Hebe. I had more sympathy for her than feeling freaked out which basically meant that you did pretty well to describe her past but not good enough for present.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
TENSES! Honey, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Repeat after me, a story should be written in PAST TENSE. Your tense mistakes were to freaking glaring that irritating that I almost smashed the wall (figuratively, duh) And I did penalize you pretty heavily on that because A) I read other reviews which had already attempted to point out to you the problem and B) I felt that this error’s too basic that it would pretty much undermine your other “better aspects”.
I also had a problem with some of your vocabulary usage. For example: the phrase “try on wedding clothing?”Well the sentence was technically correct but I felt that it didn’t sound as good. Perhaps it would have been better if you said something on the lines of “Try on the bridal gowns,” or “Try on the wedding gowns,”
Basically, I felt that your English was actually okay besides the two points that I mentioned and that you did slip into improper English once a while but enough to make feel uncomfortable. For example : “Her voice seemed to echo so loud” should be “Her voice seemed to echo so loudly”
Flow Of Story: 4/10
I had a problem with your POV swoop in Chapter 1. Well, since we at Winglin did not have the luxury to use italicized font during posting, we would have to indicate clearly when the POV.I was confused by the sudden change of POV from the first to the third without any clear indication. Well how to do it in a way that would not irritate the readers? That’s the art.
As your laspes in the above did affect my reading, so I couldn’t really mark you too high for flow.
Writing Style: 2/5
You definitely improved from the previous story but more could still be done. You would need to find your niche in language, something distinctive to call your own. Though so, I guessed your language was a big obstacle in achieving a good writing style. So perhaps you could work on your language first.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Well, I guessed what needed to be said were almost all said above. I did enjoy the idea but you had problems bringing it across. There were paragraphs that that did gripped me ass well. But as a whole, the story still lacked punch.
Also, while this fic was fresh for Winglin, I had read stories/saw shows that engaged with themes like that as well. So it also brought down my overall enjoyment a little.
Bonus marks: 3/5
I liked the humility that you showed through the A/Ns. I liked the fact that you attempted something special. And the final bonus was because, I did like the idea as I do am the emo queen =)
Total mark: 54 /95 (57/100)
Additional comments:
And I know the grade’s pretty low for a fic. Well perhaps I was bias, because I tend to have higher expectations for fics with themes like yours because I literally grew up with them.
Em. I thought you had a good idea brewing. But the way you put across was not sleek enough to convey that image to the readers which I felt was a pity. But don’t be discouraged by this one, it was a hard fic even for myself to write. It would be hard to control the fic in general and I really appreciated your attempt. To quote an inadequate analogy it would be of an amateur singer trying to sing You Light Up My Life or some classic. There would be mistakes but those mistakes would not mean you suck but rather that the song was too hard.
Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)
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