Title: Can I Call This, Love?
Author: Mist
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mintymints/
Reviewed By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title: 5/10
I suppose the title does draw in the readers to some extent, but unfortunately, it doesn’t quite do enough. I’m afraid that your title appears to be rather average to me, and that deserved a 6, but the reason why you didn’t obtain a 6 is simply because your title didn’t carry out the most basic and primitive function of a title – telling the reader what it is about.
In a way, it reminds me of some sort of arthouse movie. It’s concise, but it’s overly concise to the point that it’s almost abstract. Unfortunately, yours isn’t an arthouse fic, so keep the title more accessible.
Poster and Background: 3/10
I really can’t give you anything higher than that. I’m not an artist, and I can barely use any of those poster making programs out there, but the thing is the poster honestly looks like a product of my Home Economics coursework – stitched together in a self-assumed orderly fashion. The key here is really self-assumed, because it really doesn’t appeal.
Black font colour, white background with a terrible, imposed picture there.
Let me ask: what were you thinking?
Foreword: 7/10
I love the foreword. It draws the reader in to read immediately, and you get short glimpses into their personalities and what is to come. I thought you did a great job by putting in the first few couple of lines, and that really worked out for me.
BUT.
Please refrain from direct, outright introductions. You’re not doing a character profile, you’re doing a foreword for a story, and the main purpose of that is simply to introduce and to draw readers in.
Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
I realise that it is very difficult to put forth someone’s personality on paper without sounding like the person is dummified or overly explicit. Yes, characterisation is a fine line to tread, and particularly in your case, where you’re exploring a relationship that is so bordering on cliché. You’re treading two fine lines here, and in both cases, you managed to pull it off, but only just.
Firstly, once again I must say that your initial introduction to characters was entirely and absolutely uncalled for. While those characters of yours seemed real throughout the length of your story, they tended to get a little too forced at some parts of the story. Here’s a trick, imagine them to be your friends, and you’d tend more to eliminate the clichéd qualities in your characters. =)
Secondly, your storyline is a little simple, so your characters have got to be a little larger than life. Make them loud, believable, intelligent. Make them stand out. Sometimes it’s not really the storyline, it’s the characters that make the story interesting.
Story and Plotting: 9/15
Nothing much to say here, except that it’s a really simple tale with so many elements of clichéd within it.
My one major gripe – it’s a simple story, only that it’s been pulled too long.
Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Nearly perfect language, only be careful to avoid certain strange phrasing. And on top of that, some of your paragraphs can be shorter. Long paragraphs just can’t convey information as well as short, distinct paragraphs with a flavour. Remember that this is story writing, not an expository essay, so keep them short, sweet and explosive.
Apart from that, I applaud your use of language.
Author: Mist
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mintymints/
Reviewed By: Keleos
First Impressions
Title: 5/10
I suppose the title does draw in the readers to some extent, but unfortunately, it doesn’t quite do enough. I’m afraid that your title appears to be rather average to me, and that deserved a 6, but the reason why you didn’t obtain a 6 is simply because your title didn’t carry out the most basic and primitive function of a title – telling the reader what it is about.
In a way, it reminds me of some sort of arthouse movie. It’s concise, but it’s overly concise to the point that it’s almost abstract. Unfortunately, yours isn’t an arthouse fic, so keep the title more accessible.
Poster and Background: 3/10
I really can’t give you anything higher than that. I’m not an artist, and I can barely use any of those poster making programs out there, but the thing is the poster honestly looks like a product of my Home Economics coursework – stitched together in a self-assumed orderly fashion. The key here is really self-assumed, because it really doesn’t appeal.
Black font colour, white background with a terrible, imposed picture there.
Let me ask: what were you thinking?
Foreword: 7/10
I love the foreword. It draws the reader in to read immediately, and you get short glimpses into their personalities and what is to come. I thought you did a great job by putting in the first few couple of lines, and that really worked out for me.
BUT.
Please refrain from direct, outright introductions. You’re not doing a character profile, you’re doing a foreword for a story, and the main purpose of that is simply to introduce and to draw readers in.
Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
I realise that it is very difficult to put forth someone’s personality on paper without sounding like the person is dummified or overly explicit. Yes, characterisation is a fine line to tread, and particularly in your case, where you’re exploring a relationship that is so bordering on cliché. You’re treading two fine lines here, and in both cases, you managed to pull it off, but only just.
Firstly, once again I must say that your initial introduction to characters was entirely and absolutely uncalled for. While those characters of yours seemed real throughout the length of your story, they tended to get a little too forced at some parts of the story. Here’s a trick, imagine them to be your friends, and you’d tend more to eliminate the clichéd qualities in your characters. =)
Secondly, your storyline is a little simple, so your characters have got to be a little larger than life. Make them loud, believable, intelligent. Make them stand out. Sometimes it’s not really the storyline, it’s the characters that make the story interesting.
Story and Plotting: 9/15
Nothing much to say here, except that it’s a really simple tale with so many elements of clichéd within it.
My one major gripe – it’s a simple story, only that it’s been pulled too long.
Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Nearly perfect language, only be careful to avoid certain strange phrasing. And on top of that, some of your paragraphs can be shorter. Long paragraphs just can’t convey information as well as short, distinct paragraphs with a flavour. Remember that this is story writing, not an expository essay, so keep them short, sweet and explosive.
Apart from that, I applaud your use of language.
Flow of Story: 2/10
The story flows well, but two main things to say that warrants your mark. Firstly, your story flows too well! I must admit that because you couldn’t miss out on some of the teeny details, you tended to throw everything in, and because of that, I skipped many of the paragraphs in the middle just so that I could review this effectively and efficiently.
Secondly, and more importantly, I think your story was just not punctuated enough with excerpts that would draw reader interest, and focussed too much on thoughts and feelings, resulting in a piece that really moved too s…l…o…w…l…y…
Writing Style: 1/5
This was really vastly lacking in your own flavour. I was disappointed upon reading this, because it seemed like it came from somewhere. Bits and pieces of writing from bits and pieces of places. It was everywhere.
Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I didn’t quite feel the originality in this piece, because it was such a simple storyline. Simple storylines tread on cliché and excellent, and yours didn’t quite make the cut here. Focussing on thoughts and emotions was the way to go, but unfortunately, you put overemphasis on those parts, resulting in a very mundane storyline that didn’t really go down well with me.
On top of that, I swear I could see things from different places floating around. Or maybe it’s just because I’m sensitive.
Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I’m just giving this mark because you tried, but other than that, I have to end with a boring one liner:
It was monotonous.
The purpose of a fic is to entertain, and really, sadly, I could really see that in yours.
Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying to readers. =)
Total mark: 52.5/100
Additional Comments: Hey there! I understand you might be disappointed by your marl, but I did promise an honest review. Well, I can say that you really put in the effort here, but you should try channelling that effort into a myriad of other sources so as to jazz up your review a bit! Other than that, keep going, and maybe I’ll see you around someday again. =)
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr
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