Dark Path

Title: Dark Path
Author: Angel_in_pain502 aka Tina
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Dark_Path/
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 8/10
Dark Path usually indicates a person choosing the wrong path in life and you have represented that title throughout your story. Raymond, because of Selina’s death decided to punish himself by continually throwing himself in the face of danger. However, what puzzled me was why he didn’t respect Selina’s last wish, which was obviously to get him out of the gang. He only decided to enforce the idea of getting out of the gang when Charmaine came along. Bit strange there.

Poster & Background: 5/10
The graphics used on the poster and background could be better. The quote on the poster doesn’t seem right. I’m not just talking about the grammar mistakes in it, it just seems like you’re advertising some product when you asked that question. This is only a suggestion, but maybe it could have been: ‘Let me be the one to hold you by the hand and lead you out of the dark path.’ The question just seems to ruin the whole quote. Charmaine on the poster represents a rich and wealthy girl which is the opposite of the one in the story. Try to relate the characters to the poster. The font of Dark Path makes the story appear to be a fantasy genre? It sort of seems out place on the poster. The font you’ve chosen, although it’s easy to read but electric blue doesn’t seem to flow with your story. The black background is fine but the Charmaine and Raymond kind of look as if they were just stuck there randomly.

Foreword: 3/10
Your foreword revealed too much of the plot of the story. Keep in mind that even though you have written, “May contain spoilers” the reader will still read it. You don’t expect the reader to not read the character introduction just because you have revealed too much of the plot. As for the synopsis, I think it can be briefer than that. You didn’t really have to say about Selina’s death or Charmaine’s attack. Your story will reveal that soon enough, maybe the last paragraph of that synopsis would have sufficed.

Cast Used: 3/5
The cast wasn’t bad. I just didn’t like the way you portrayed Raymond. One minute he’s this cold guy and the next; he’s joking around and having fun. Try to keep his personality consistent throughout the whole story. If you want to make him comical then give him some jokes and funny actions. If he’s an introvert, then give him fewer lines and when he’s expressing himself make it seem awkward. The rest of the cast was fine. By the way, it’s Kevin Cheng, not Cheung.

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Yes, I got to admit, it was pretty original and creative. I don’t know if it’s the cast but it feels like something TVB would produce lol. Although it does seem TVB-ish, it is certainly not fanfic-ish. Nice work.

Story & Plotting: 13/15
The plotting of the story was good. I liked how you wrote according to what you had written in the foreword. Nothing was changed and it told the story according to the reader’s expectation. I really liked the twist about how Moses turned out to be a cop at the end. It was nicely done, but I thought that his lasts words to Raymond were a bit cheesy. Considering that he’s a cop and has absolute no relation to Raymond, he could have spelled out a secret that could take the gang down or so, not reveal about Selina Sheh’s death.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 1/10
I spotted words that have been misspelt throughout the story but most are what I expect to be typos. The grammar on the other hand is completely horrendous. You keep switching from past tense to present tense. The sentence structure is really bad and hard to follow.

There were times when doctors had their part in your story. The dialogue that you gave them to say sounds pretty informal. When they talk, they usually say it in a complicated matter then they explain it plainly and formally. At some point, you even allowed to talk in slang.

Flow of Story: 7/10
The flow of the story was really well done. Nothing seemed to pop out of nowhere and it wasn’t too draggy or too rushed. The only problem was how you ended the story. You left a gap between Raymond confronting Johnny and Kevin and Selina’s wedding. A gap usually allows the reader to come up with their own conclusion, but your gap was way too big. It left me wondering, “What the hell happened to Raymond?” I’m not sure how you can fix that problem except to actually state it out. The gap was not only unnecessary but also a nuisance to the reader.

Writing Style: 0/5
Your writing style is not bad, but it’s certainly not good either. You write these ridiculously large paragraphs when you shouldn’t. I’ll tell you what I learnt in seventh grade; a new paragraph every time a person talks! You combined a whole entire conversation into a paragraph and expect us to figure out which person is talking and who had spoken that sentence. Try to be clearer in your work.

Instead of finishing a finished sentence with a full stop, you carry on that sentence by adding in commas when it should have ended already. For example:

Raymond notice her worries, “Hey, Kevin, go get the car, I’ll be right out,” he said, “Okie,” Kevin left, Raymond leans in Selina and put his left hand on her neck, he kisses her forehead, “Don’t worry, every times I safely return, including this time, I promise to be safe…we’ll still have a wedding and…our baby…remember? Don’t worry Selina, I’ll be fine.”

You do realize that what you had written there is ONE sentence? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that. It was just absolutely so long! I can see multiple places a full stop could have been placed in that sentence. Scary, isn’t it?

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
It was alright, the twist at the end where Moses was actually a cop was what stood out to me in this story. However, the grammar and vocabulary was really a big turn off. It was difficult to understand what you meant and hard to read also. Also, when you add in your own personal comments in brackets wasn’t such a good idea either. You will always have time to write your thoughts at the end of the chapter in a section you can call “Author’s Note” or something like that.

Bonus marks: 1.5/5
A point for acknowledging the graphic artist and referring back to their site. Half a point for occasionally communicating to those that commented.

Total mark: 59.5/100

Additional comments: You kept trying to reassure your readers at the end of each chapter near the beginning of the story that Charmaine will in fact appear soon. You really don’t have to do that, it makes it seem as though you’re trying to bribe Charray fans into supporting your story. If your story is good then there is no reason for them to leave, have more confidence.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-