Forbidden Fruit

Title: Forbidden Fruit
Author: xoloveraindownxo
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/forbiddenfruit

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I admit that I was tempted to check out your story when I first see the title! It sounds interesting! Keep it up!

However, your storyline seemed to be deviating from the main idea of forbidden fruit. From the chapters updated so far, I simply could not link the chapters with the main idea you’re supposed to convey. So, there goes your two marks, deducted from the original score of 8.

Poster & Background: 6/10
Personally, I strongly encourage authors to do their own posters and background. In your case, it isn’t exactly great and isn’t exactly bad either. Of course, I’m not professional in graphics so I believe graphic designers can offer better critics regarding your poster. However, from a reader’s point of view, from what I can see, what I can say is, the poster is still quite nice. I do like the inclusion of the fruit. It looks cute. The pictures of the casts, however, look out of place.

My suggestion is, learn more from online photoshop tutorials. Practice makes perfect. I’m sure you will make a great graphic designer. =]

Foreword: 7/10
Yes, I admit that I was tempted to click the ‘next’ button when I finished reading your foreword. However, I have to make another confession. I really had some trouble trying to get pass that long paragraph. It was long, draggy and naggy. A warning to you, this may a turn-off for most readers. Not only so, it also fails to build up suspense you are supposed to do through this short little foreword you have.

Some readers may just do what I did, practically skipping the whole paragraph but definitely not enjoying each and every word of your paragraph. So, long, naggy paragraphs is a big no-no. I would suggest that you re-organise your forewords.

Sample:
`___ The little girl runs to the bottom of the hill everyday with her friends. They run around the bottom of the hill chasing each other. This is all they do, this is all they know.

One day the little girl catches the glint of a fruitful tree at the top of the hill. Everytime she goes to play with her friends, the tree entices her. Her friends tell her don't touch it, and society teaches the same aspect.

But she climbs atop the hill when nobody is looking and snatches the fruit down. She takes a bite of it and is swept up into a world she had never been a part of before.
All because she was curious of the Forbidden Fruit.
This may not be the best sample I can offer, but it will enhance your readers’ interest as they read each paragraph.

Cast Used: 3/5
Wells, I guess this pairing is still passable. It is quite a refreshing couple to me because I have not read any fanfics on them before.

Originality & Creativity: 7.5/15
The idea of consuming a forbidden fruit and being brought to another world is really interesting. If you had written the story based on this idea, your story would have been a great one as far as I could imagine. I was anticipating a fantasy-like romance because of the forbidden fruit and I am definitely looking forward to reading it.

However, your story was a disappointment. It did not link to the main idea of forbidden fruit at all. As far as I could imagine and interpret, you’re probably trying to associate racial discrimination with the idea of forbidden fruit. You’re probably trying to tell me that the forbidden fruit has brought her to another world, the fair-skinned people. Is that so? This still puzzled me. Perhaps, due to the incomplete story, you have not managed to make that link yet, thus everything is unexplained. For the benefit of doubt, I will not penalise you heavily.

However, I do like the inclusion of racial discrimination because it is a problem in American countries that is very real. This idea is mature.
In conclusion, from the chapters I have read so far, not much of creativity is shown. More climaxes should be included. Also, do take note of some superfluous parts of the story that may bore the readers.

Story & Plotting: 7.5/15
The organization and flow of ideas is fair.
Then, as I have mentioned earlier, you did not manage to build up suspense through each chapter till the end. This problem lies in the plotting of the story. It would definitely be better if you could include a small climax to keep the readers in suspense at the end of each chapter.

After reading your story, I spotted one major problem. You tend to write long paragraphs. It’s not just one or two chapters, but almost every one of them. Like what I have said before, long paragraphs are usually turnoffs for readers. Readers may just skip the important details in the paragraphs without knowing! That’s why it posed as a bid problem! However, towards the end, there seemed to be some improvement in the last few chapters because I have noticed the absence of long paragraphs. Yes, keep it up.

I have quoted an example from your story. Now, you can see how long your paragraph is.

“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be seperated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage. Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place. She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection. Kitanya felt alone, secluded. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that was her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box. A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying. Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy. Sneakers said who you were. Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that were mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.”

It would be better if you reorganize.

Sample:
“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be separated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage.”
“Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place.

She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection.

Kitanya felt alone, secluded.

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that were her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box.

A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying.

Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy.

Sneakers said who you were.

Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that was mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.

Remember, clear organization of ideas would make your story more attractive.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
There are quite a few spelling mistakes here and there. Do take note of that.
As for grammar, it is quite a major problem that cannot be overlooked. Just remember to check each chapter before posting it up.
There is quite a range of vocabulary words. Keep it up.

Flow Of Story: 7.5/10
The flow of ideas is smooth. However, the pace of story may be too slow sometimes due to the inclusion of superfluous parts. Please take note of that.

Writing Style: 2/5
No distinctive writing style spotted here. This is probably due to the fact that you’re a new writer here. It takes experiences to develop your own unique and distinctive writing style.

Overall Enjoyment: 5.5/10
I did not really enjoy this story because of the profanity used. Yes, you did warn the readers beforehand in the forewords, and I could have avoided it but I can’t because I have to review your story. I’m sorry, but too much profanity used had caused discomfort and I find it hard to enjoy myself here. However, I did like the mature reflection of racial discrimination in American society, in this real world.

Bonus marks: 3/5
1 mark for replying your readers when necessary.
2 marks for a good attempt to write a story,

Total mark: 62/100

Additional comments:
Hi there, thank you for requesting a review from Midnight Tree. After reading the request form, I have decided to reply to your comments. Yes, I can understand that this is your first story on Winglin. Good attempt! It was still quite a nice story despite the profanity used. But I have a gentle reminder for you. Please do not say “I’d just like an honest review so that I may know how I’m doing.” I’m sure all reviewers would give their honest opinions. It seemed as though you’re questioning the reviewer’s professionalism. This may sound rude and you might offend some reviewers unintentionally. So, please be reminded not to say that again in future. Kindly say “Please guide me along. Thank you.”

And yes, I have given you my very honest review. Hope this is help you in some way or another.

Good luck and all the best! =)

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr-
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