Pajama’s Romance

Title: Pajama’s Romance
Author: SeventhStar
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ferrari_saemono/
Reviewed by: Shattered Teardrops

~Okay, before anything else, this particular introduction is not part of the review. I would like to warn the author, if you have read my personal page in MT, I have stressed out that I am a very specific reviewer. I will correct every flaw which I think is worth editing/changing. Don’t expect a brief review. On the contrary, expect a direct and very specific review detailing the points in the fanfic which I think can be improved, and other suggestions and recommendations on how to improve them.
I do not know the author and neither does she know me, that is why I do not favor nor abhor her and that, itself is proof enough of the degree of impartiality in terms of giving the review.
Now, with all those clarifications said and done, let us proceed to the review.

Title: 5/10
~ I found it amusing, intriguing and also weird. Why? Well, amusing because the title is unique. Uniqueness means it’s fresh, unlike some overly-used titles we often see on the page of Winglin. I gave out merits for that. Secondly, intriguing because well, it intrigues the reader as to how the title of the story came to be. How can Pajamas have romance? So, again, points for that. Lastly, it’s weird. Why? Because the first time I read the title, it made me ask questions like ‘Who/What is pajama to have romance?’ and ‘Are you referring to a person nicknamed Pajama or do you really mean the literal Pajama?’ It’s a bit confusing really but it’s not that bad per se.

Anyway, when I read the first four chapters on your story, I tried looking for any conclusive link to the story and the title, so far I found none. Well, since your story is not yet finished, I assume you will place the connection of the story and title on the future chapters.


Poster&Background: 3/10
~POSTER - Now, I don’t want to sound cruel here but there is a major difference between a picture with a simple quote placed on it and a poster. I loved the warm scene portrayed on the picture, in fact I liked the picture, but I feel that it is lacking. It was too simple and non-descript. Aside from the quote you placed on the picture and the fact that it was a picture of Ella and Wu Chun, it doesn’t have any whatsoever connection relating to your story. How about if you request someone to do a poster for you using the picture and perhaps adding more quotes to the poster. I’ve read your four chapters thoroughly and I must say, you can put a wide variety of quotes on the poster for it to better describe the theme of your story.
~BACKGROUND – n/a – You could also request for a background image from the person/website to whom/which you requested your poster. I’m sure there are a lot of graphics sites willing to lend you a helping hand.


Forewords: 4/10
~ Your forewords were interesting. I love the simplicity in the words. I gave out merits for that. BUT I may have to tell you that I am not a fan of grammatical errors. I know that you (Kartika) are also aware of your grammar mistakes in your story. I shall let it pass because it is your first fanfic and every author starts out somewhere. I am also aware that you are Indonesian and I assume that English is not your first language. See? I did read your fic thoroughly. I even paid attention to your author’s notes and I even took time to read your comment board and your interaction with your readers.

What solution do I suggest for this problem in your fic? Well, it’s simple. Kartika… er, I hope you don’t mind if I call you by first name though we’re not that close. Anyway, back to the topic, the solution is simple. It’s called a Beta Reader.
Well, since you’re a newbie to writing fanfics, I’ll explain what a Beta Reader is, okay? A Beta Reader is a person who is fluent or shall I say, a person who has sufficient knowledge in the grammatical rules of the language you use in writing your story. Basically, you, the author, will write up a new chapter for your fic but will NOT post it up on Winglin YET. Instead, you email it to your Beta-Reader and then the Beta Reader will edit it and may also post it for you on Winglin depending on your agreement. If you would like, you could also have the Beta-Reader email back the edited version of your chapter to you and then you can go personally post it up on Winglin. So, it’s actually more like you are having someone help you fix your grammatical errors.

Now, where can you find Beta Readers? Well, for a start, you may click the button on the upper left page of Winglin’s index page, the one which says ‘Fanfic Community Forum News’. It’s a forum so you have to register as a member first before you get to access the whole feature of the site. Then, you go to the Author’s Corner board and search for the topic which says ‘Beta-Reading. You may start a topic there asking for someone’s help to proof-read your story and correct its grammatical errors. You may also learn to write correct grammar from the Beta Reader by asking questions and by reading the edited version of your chapter. Through this, you are also helping yourself improve.


Cast Used: 3/5
~ I think you did a great job on choosing Wu Chun and Ella. Not that I’m a fan or a hater of this pairing, or anything like that. It’s just that I can fully imagine them doing the scenes in your story and I think their roles fit them quite well. Kudos to that!


Originality & Creativity: 9/15
~ I must say, most stories on Winglin have a romantic theme and your story is no different from them. BUT, most stories on Winglin are more focused on how the two main leads came to be, not what happens after they came to be with each other. Now that’s makes your story apart from the rest. Your plot is not entirely original because there are a lot of stories with the same plot but I must say it’s unique and refreshing to read. Again, points for that.


Story & Plotting: 9/15
~I think your story is a combination of funny, inspiring, thought-provoking and one that is full of lessons. These are all positive remarks and I really mean each of them. Your plot is quite normal with the usual jealousy problems here and there but what set it apart from other stories is how your main leads chronologically retell the events that happened to them and how the problem was solved. Don’t get me wrong, this plot is quite good despite being a little overused. Improvements can be done here though. I just hope you don’t run out of problems and solutions to write about. May I make a suggestion? Hmm… Since you’re written about jealousy, how about if you write a chapter narrating about the possibility of them having a child? Now, that would indeed be a real problem, right? Because both of them are still studying. Of course, this is only my suggestion. Whether you allow Ella to be pregnant or simply hallucinating to be pregnant is ultimately up to you for it is your story. I just want to give you insights and recommendations. ^^


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
~ I would have to give you a low mark in this category. To be honest, your grammar is very poor, but I don’t take that against you as an insult. In fact, I would like this review to challenge you to improve. To specifically point out your mistakes, there were a lot of missing words, a horrendous case of tense-shifting and typographical errors. When I say tense-shifting, I mean you use present tense on one of your paragraphs and a past tense on the next sentence. Take note that if you’re writing in a narrative form or when a person narrates an event which already happened, always use past tense. And make sure that if you started writing using past tense, please write in past tense up until the end of your chapter to make your story accurate and concise.

*Example: (a random paragraph from chapter three in Ella’s point of view)

“…Finally we came to my home. I feel really awkward at the beginning when I see my “the one used to be I called as home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. The feeling and everything is changing. I can see some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it feels really different when I came there as a guest and not as an “owner” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hug me tightly just like I’ve been disappeared for forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like forever not meet her…”

*It should be written like this:

“…Finally we came to my old home. I felt really awkward at the beginning when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. There were a lot of changes. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “owners” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly just like I’ve disappeared for like forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like it has been forever since I met her…”

*Now, if I were to re-write the whole paragraph with the revisions I like, I would have liked it to turn out like this:

“…Finally we reached my parents’ house. At first, I felt really awkward when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parents’ (plural because there are two parents, the Mom and the Dad) home because I already have a place that I called home. When I came, I felt like everything changed. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “residents” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly like I’ve disappeared for so long. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like I have not met her for an eternity…”

These mistakes repeatedly appear in the first four chapters that it’s annoying. The spelling of ‘rite’ as in correct is ‘right’, not ‘rite’ as in like ‘rite of passage’. Please do make the necessary corrections. I don’t mean to degrade you, I’m just stating what I’ve read in your story. You have a basic knowledge of words in English. It’s just that you don’t know how to arrange those words in such a way that it would be grammatically correct. I do highly recommend a Beta-Reader or maybe you could ask help from a close friend who is good at English Grammar Writing to help you edit your chapters.


Flow of Story: 6/10
~ The flow of the story is quite well-paced. Nothing is boring and nothing is too fast. Each chapter is worth reading, minus the grammar problems, of course. I’ve read in your comments page that some of your readers complain about having cliffhangers at the end of each chapter. Honey, do not be afraid to use cliffhangers. They’re quite useful once in a while. They keep your readers craving for more and they add a sense of suspense to your story. I’m a writer too. I should know. But I’m a reader too. And I hate cliffhangers. Haha Quite contradicting statements huh? ^^


Writing Style: 3/5
~I absolutely love it. I love how you wrote each chapter as if your lead characters were confiding to their friends about their day-to-day affairs in their newly married status. It also creates an aura of interaction between the lead characters and the readers, making the readers feel involved in the actual life of your characters. However, I must take out points for grammar mistakes…


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
~ I did really enjoy it. Too bad it’s only four chapters plus the annoying grammar mistakes which make it hard for me to read the whole story thoroughly…


Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You interact with your readers. You accept their suggestions and you are willing to accept constructive criticisms from them. I think these are worthy of acknowledgement.


Total Mark: 54/100
Personal Remark:
~ I know it’s not exactly what you expected, right? It’s a bit low… I know that too, but you have to understand that your main flaw is grammar and for an author who is using English as her medium for writing, grammar is very, very important. I hope I did not make you sad or anything. Feel free to leave me a message if you have any questions, complaints or clarifications, okay? ^^


Reviewed by Shattered Teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr