~The Promise~

Title: ~The Promise~

Author: Wing Yi

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MidnightGirl/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 1/10

When I read your title, the only thing that came to mind was, "blah." It wasn’t captivating and it related little to your story. I’m not even sure why you had these ‘~’ put in for. It doesn’t make it look any more professional than it is inviting. The only thing it does for your story is make it seem dodgy. I’ll give you a point however, for that little link between the title and the brief promise Edison had for Gillian.

Poster & Background: 6/10

Putting graphic works aside, your poster isn’t very well done. The poster doesn’t really connect with the storyline. I know that you have asked a site to make you a poster, but you must explain to them clearly of what you want. Kenny wasn’t a main character in the story, yet his picture is more prominent than Edison’s and the title of the story looked as if it was part of the background. Notice these mistakes and don’t be afraid to ask them to edit it. As for that black hole in the corner; what is that? It looks so random.
Now onto that quote you had. It’s not bad but it wasn’t exceptional. One of the reasons why was the grammar. Don’t put a trail after a question mark, it doesn’t make any sense. If you wanted to trail off in a question, put it before the mark. As for the capitals you’ve put in the quote. Only one capital letter at the beginning of each sentence unless there it was a naming noun.
Your background was simple and neat. It didn’t clash with your font which was good.

Foreword: 3/10

Your foreword does not make any sense at all. It may be because of grammar problems or because you had contradicted yourself, but I couldn’t comprehend what you tried to deliver. "A promise that has yet been done." What does that mean? It doesn’t make any sense at all! Be more clearer!
You only introduced two characters in the foreword when there are a couple more. I wasn’t sure if Edison even had a bigger role than Charlene, actually.
Yeah, so your foreword was a bit confusing because of your grammar. Edit your work before you post it so your readers can understand it more fluently.

Cast Used: 2/5

I can’t comment on each character’s personality since it wasn’t that developed in the story. The only thing I got was that Gillian was a weak girl who has no confidence. It seemed as if she was in an abusive relationship with Charlene who obviously had the upper hand. Charlene was this possessive girl who didn’t want anyone but her to have Gillian. She then switched her target to Edison and actually stalked him because of her obsessive personality. Edison and Kenny all seemed a bit bland to me, I didn’t sense anything from them.
Develop your characters more in the story to make it more interesting. Your characters were a bit bland to me.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15

To what I have read, it doesn’t seem as if you had put much thought into your story. I’ll give you credit on making it unpredictable, but how Gillian died at the end; one word, cliché. I knew right off that she would reach for Edison’s hand to forgive him and say ‘I love you’. Give your story a little twist to it, something that would leave the reader a deep impression on your story.

Story & Plotting: 0/15

They way your plotted your story was utterly terrible. I wouldn’t say that your storyline was the best either. You obviously didn’t plan this out or read it over or you would have fixed it. You realise that when in college, people have already chosen their course. According to ‘reality’, Kenny should have gone to law school; Edison to some cooking school and Gillian and Charlene should have went to some acting or singing school. Why one earth did they all go to some English class in college? It would have made more sense if they were still in high school or something.
And how you plotted Edison and Charlene’s scandal was ridiculous. It was so out of the blue, when I first informed about it, I thought I had missed something in those very short chapters. It would have been better if you had built up to it and actually wrote a chapter one the scandal. Don’t just add things in randomly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10

Don’t get me started on your grammar. It seemed as if you were writing in text messaging than the actual English language. Your sentence structure was horrifying also. Are you not familiar on how to write a spoken sentence? You had given me this:
Noone spoke to one another until her mom spoke : "Where were you today?" Charlene quickly responded. : "I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff."
This is the proper way of writing it:
No one spoke to another until her mom spoke, "Where were you today?"
"I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff," Charlene quickly responded.
These are the things I want you to remember:
A new line every time a new person talks. Your paragraphs were made up of a whole conversation and with the way you wrote your spoken sentences made all the more difficult to read and understand who was talking.
An apostrophe for words such as can’t, don’t, haven’t etc.
Put in full stops when necessary and I want to really stretch this out to you. Most of your sentence structures were faulted by the placing of full stops.

Flow of Story: 2/10

The flow was very choppy. It was very rushed and left a lot of gaps in the storyline. It was hard to read and understand what you were trying to say. Especially the sudden proposal and the sudden scandal, it seemed so out of place. Give hints when you’re trying to surprise us so when we read it we’ll go, "of course!" or "ahhh, that’s why."
When Kenny and Edison came to be back up dancers, I was like, "what the heck?" Doesn’t it seem odd to you that Kenny and Edison, both with very different careers to the entertainment industry, would come to be back up dancers? You contradict yourself throughout the story.

Writing Style: 1/5

I didn’t like your writing style. It was too short and you didn’t elaborate the details that you needed to so that it could help the readers understand the plot. Your style made it seemed as if a child had written it, no offence. It was so straightforward, with no sense of mystery.
As you wrote your story, I couldn’t help but wonder if this had followed through to what you had written in the foreword. The theme seemed to be more about Charlene and Gillian’s friendship rather than Gillian and Edison’s love. You have given Charlene such a big role and made it seem as if we were seeing the story through her point of view. Considering that Gillian and Edison were supposed to be the main characters it would be smart to maybe talk about their situation a bit more.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10

To tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was actually grateful that the chapters were short so it can be less painful to go through those fourteen chapters of the story.

Bonus marks: 3/5

One mark for referring back to the graphic designer. Two for answering the comments, your readers had left you.

Total mark: 28/100

Additional comments: I can’t really give you any good advice on how to improve except to plan, edit and elaborate your story. I know that I have been very harsh in reviewing your story and I’m sorry if I had caused you to feel any ounce of anger or depression. Be sure to keep writing.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-