A Secret Deal Between God and Me

Title: A Secret Deal Between God and Me
Author: aggy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/algernoon/
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: This is not a part of the review but rather the reviewer’s warning. I must warn the author that I am a strict reviewer. I prefer pointing out specific parts of your story which I think can be improved or altered. Don’t expect a brief review. On the opposite, expect a lengthy one detailing everything which I think needs improvement.

Title: 7/10
~ The Title made me feel intrigued about your story. It was not that appealing but it could also not be simply ignored. I like the simplicity in the title and maybe that’s one of the things which caught my attention.

Poster and Background: n/a
~You can request from someone or a website to do it. There are a lot of people who are helpful enough to make one for you.

Forewords: 5/10
~I must warn you that I am not a fan of seriously distracting grammatical errors. As an author, it is not enough to apologize for your grammar mistakes. Apart from apologizing, you must be diligent enough to edit mistakes and always proof read your chapters before posting them up. That is your responsibility.

Example:
“…There is a girl, with a tomboyish style, a petite perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess face. To complete all the physical perfect-ness she had, she was also a very clever students as she was always be the first in her school. Not forget to mention, she also a kind- hearted girl…”

It should be like this:
“…There is a tomboyish girl, with a petite yet perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess-like face. To complete all the physical perfectness she had, she was also a very clever student as she was always the first in her school. Not to mention, she was also a kind- hearted girl…”

Another thing, your forewords kind of revealed the whole plot of the story which I think should not be the case because it will make your story predictable and the readers will not be interested enough. You could just have placed a preview of a random scene from your story which will attract the readers’ to read and find out for themselves how the event came to be.

Cast Used: 3/5
~ I am neither a fan nor a hater of the artists you used. But I do know them. I can fully imagine them doing the things you described in the story. I loved how you described Ella and I loved how she grew right in front of my eyes as I read through each chapter in your story.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
~Originality-wise, well, this isn’t exactly an original plot because I have read other stories in Winglin having the almost the same line of plot but I find you story refreshing and although a bit predictable, it was nice.

Another thing is, I loved how you made each character interact with each other in a way that they were all connected to each other. I loved the conflict between Selina and Jiro and how you made Ella and Wu Chun work to bring them together.

Story and Plotting: 8/15
~ As I’ve said, your plot is a bit cliché but it was refreshing to read. Something I have not felt after reading and reviewing two other fics this week. In a way, it was cute and well-thought. I love how you narrated their past, present and future in one chapter. That was certainly a break from all the usual fanfics I read around in Winglin.

Just one major flaw, I think your story was a bit rushed. I think you could have written more chapters about Ella and Wu Chun which could better show how their relationship grew despite Ella’s being an ‘angel’. I think a lot could have happened in two weeks but it was a bit short-lived in how you narrated your story. You could’ve added more twists in the story apart from the usual tricks which Ella and Wu Chun used. Hmmm… Example, Wu Chun could have called Jiro to one of the rooms inside the school or maybe to the rooftop and then, he could have done the same to Selina, telling her that one of her friends is calling for her to go to this certain place, and then, Wu Chun could have locked them up for a night. Not only could Selina and Jiro spend more time with each other through this, Wu Chun and Ella could do too because, of course, they’d have to watch if their plan worked or not. Of course, this is just a suggestion of mine. But since your story is finished, I don’t think you could insert this anymore.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
~ As I’ve said, I am not a fan of grammar mistakes. There were a lot of tense shifting in your chapters and for a person like me, I would have wanted to edit your mistakes as I read through your chapters, but then again, it is not my story so, I can’t do anything about it.

I suggest you ask help from a Beta-Reader or a Proof Reader. I’m sure there would be someone who would be willing to help you. I understand that you are Indonesian and you are not that fluent in English, but, still, I know you understand that in terms of your grammar, there is plenty of room for improvement.

Spelling-wise, there were minor typographical errors but they’re not that much of a problem. People make mistakes and it’s understandable.

Vocabulary-wise, you have a passable vocabulary in English but I think you don’t know which word would properly fit certain sentences. Anyhow, I’ve prepared specific examples in your story which I think you must change.

Example:
“…She was walking, with a blank expression on her face, obviously clear for every people that came across her that this girl was having her daydreaming while she was walking. Yes, Ella loves to dream. Her hobby is to fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like thinking in her head silently, drove her own mind far away from the real world and enjoying as much as she can what she can sees, hears, and feels…”

It should be like this:
“…She was walking with a blank expression on her face. It was kind of obvious for people who walked by her to notice that she was daydreaming. Yes, Ella loved to dream. Her hobby was fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like silently thinking as she drove her mind far away from the real world and enjoy as much as she can what she saw, heard, and felt…”

There were a lot of tense shifting on this one. Notice how I changed the ‘she can sees, hears and feels’ to ‘what she saw, heard and felt’? It’s because your sentence started out with a past tense, hence, you must finish it still using the past tense of the verb. Furthermore, you must always remember that if you’re narrating a story or retelling events which already happened, you must always use past tense. In this case, in your story, you were narrating it so you must always use past tense.

As for the Beta-Reader or the Proof-Reader I suggested you to ask help from. You can click on the link on the upper-left part of the Winglin Index Page labeled with the name ‘Fanfic Community Forum New’. It’s actually a forum so you have to register for an account if you wish to enjoy the full feature of the site. Next, after you click on the link, a new page will open. You have to go to the Author’s Corner board and look for the thread with ‘Beta-Reading’ as the title. From there, you can post a message asking for help for any members to volunteer themselves to be the Beta-Reader of your fanfic. However, for this certain fanfic of yours, I don’t think you will need a Beta-Reader because it’s already finished. Unless, of course, you plan to re-post it again and edit/change/add some more details and scenes to your story.

Flow of Story: 5/10
~ The pace of the story is a little too fast. Ella and Wu Chun’s relationship was not given much time to grow since you shortened their time together when they planned out bringing Jiro and Selina together. I think you could have added more romantic moments so that it will not become shallow. Furthermore, this could bring great joy to your readers.

Writing Style: 4/5
~ For most part, or for the first few chapters, there was nothing really special in your writing style since it’s the usual narration but after I read your chapter which narrated Ella and Wu Chun’s past, present and future, I think that really made an impact on me. At first, I was confused but when I read at the end that the woman and the man in the park was in fact Ella and Wu Chun, that’s where it all made sense. I especially loved that part. Kudos to that!

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
~ I highly enjoyed it! Er… Of course, apart from the grammar mistakes which made it sort of a pain for me to read. It was refreshing and nice but I think your grammar mistakes hindered me from fully-enjoying your fic.

Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You reply to your readers and you recognize your weakness as a writer, I think these are worth of merits. ^^

Total Mark: 57/90 or 67/100

Personal Remarks:
~ Keep on writing and don’t stop aiming for improvement. Always be open for new ideas and suggestions. Don’t treat criticism as insults, instead, use it to push yourself to improve in your craft as an author. Good luck. Jia You Agnes!

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops