Title: Dark Mendacities
Author: illusions
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/d_mendacities/
Reviewed By: WZ

Title: 9/10

This title was very creative, including a powerful vocabulary. Mendacities. Perhaps that word would catch a lot of curious readers wondering what the word means. The words also strung together a very lyrical flow. I like.

Poster & Background: 9/10

The poster is gorgeous! I absolutely adore the appearance of your story. Although the background was left black, I felt this was very appropriate. The reader wouldn’t be distracted from your story. Thumbs up!

Foreword: 5/10

Your forewords was really unsatisfying. To me, starting with a message to your readers is a big no-no. Who would be interested in your story if all they read is what you have to say about how much you want to finish your story? Second of all, I barely get to know your story through your forewords. All you did was shove a long list of names and descriptions at my face. Although the descriptions do hint a bit about the plot, I still believe you should have included a short summary or prologue.

Cast Used: 4/5

I am pretty neutral with the celebrities you featured. No preference. No grudge. Also, I sense that you developed your main characters quite well. For instance, you established Raymond’s hot-tempered nature within the first few chapters.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15

Hmm. What can I say? I never really said “WOW” to anything I read. Maybe it is because I’ve been watching higher quality mystery dramas and reading professional novels.However, I’ve read many other triad fan fics that I enjoyed more than yours. Perhaps you could incorporate more of your own style and creativity into this story.

Story & Plotting: 12/15

Disregarding the originality factor, your story plot was quite okay. I could follow it despite its slight jumpiness (see below). It was readable, a much appreciated factor.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

One structure problem that really bothered me was combining two speakers’ dialogue into one paragraph. You must separate what one speaker has said from the other’s. This was taught in elementary English.

Also, there are a few grammar mistakes you’ve made. Nothing major but pay attention to these details. See if you can find a beta reader.

Chapter One –
“Under the routine direction of the police, the entire bar was emptied out in a fifteen minutes.”

Did you mean to say “in fifteen minutes”?

Flow of Story: 6/10

I don’t get your story at all. Why? It doesn’t flow. One minute I was reading about searching for car keys and the next? Nick forbids Myolie to get involved. Out of nowhere, the story suddenly jumps to the next day. A headache was creeping onto me because this was far too jumpy for me.

Writing Style: 3/5

The judgment of writing style is completely subjective. I could tolerate your writing style but I certainly did not love it. You included some humor which made up for many things. Also, I did not find anything very unique about your style. Hence, I encourage you to develop your own writing style while improving on other aspects. (See above)

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

Again, this is subjective, isn’t it? I may give you a 7 but others may give you a 4 or even a 9. I didn’t really enjoy this story because I have no interest in triads and gangs in Hong Kong. However, there was nothing that I strongly disliked. This was a very neutral story for me.

Bonus marks: 5/5
You credited midnight-tree.co.nr in your forewords and you replied to your reader’s comments

Total mark: 72/100 + 5 Bonus

Addtional comments:

Efforts appreciated. Good luck.

reviewed by WZ @midnight-tree.co.nr