Title: The Waltz
Author: The Elle
Reviewed By: shattered teardrops
~I’m not sure if you’re the same Elle who wrote the story Until Her Last Breath which I’ve taken a liking of reading, but I would like to warn you that I am here as a constructive critic with the word ‘critic’ given much emphasis. I hope you understand what position I am holding here. I would like to be as unbiased as possible.
Title: 4/10
~The title sounded plain and it really didn’t catch my attention. Furthermore, reading into your chapters, the only connection I can find with the title was the part on the cruise ship where Qiao En and Ming Dao danced the Waltz. Well, of course, I do put into consideration that your fic isn’t finished yet and maybe you have future plans of putting up a chapter with a major reference to the title… er… Do you?
Poster & Background: 4/10
~The poster wasn’t much. I think it was simply a bunch of pictures placed on the same background and was declared a poster. It didn’t even have whatsoever connection to the story.
I think what a poster does is that, it depicts the general theme of the story, you know, like a movie poster. For a sad story, it should be mellow tones and soft colors, for horror, it’s usually black,red and grey and dark shades.
Just a piece of advice, next time you request for a poster, please choose an artist who is capable enough. I don’t mean to do some advertising but I really do recommend the artists in MT because I know that they are really capable people.
Forewords: 7/10
~ “THE WALTZShe has no past. He has no heart. What can a dance do?”
>>> Now this sentence makes me want to read it, however, when I finished reading your chapters, where was the waltz? What did the waltz do? Well, again, it’s maybe because your fic isn’t finished yet.
The character introductions were lovely. I gave out merits for that. It made me want to read more and I can see the effort for putting hanging sentences on the end of each character background so that the readers will have something to look forward to.
However, I must point out that the character backgrounds made the story sound predictable. That’s why I took some points of. You must not give out too much details on the forewords because what fun is it to read something you can already predict, right?
Another thing is the preview. Just random sentences? I mean, come on, not even a decription where it happened? It’s not picturesque without adjectives describing the event. I mean you could have added some small details.
Cast Used: 3/5
~I’m not really a fan of any of the artists you used but I do know them. For the first few chapters, I can’t seem to differentiate the relationship of Ming Dao and Qiao En, and Leon and Cyndi, but as the story progressed, I began to see distinctive traits which I think is good. So, points to that.
Originality & Creativity: 7/15
~There has been a swarm of stories about amnesia and being torn from the past and present, so I think, your story is cliché. Also, another cliché is the male lead being torn from his priesthood and his true love. Another cliché. Basically, I think you simply combined two cliché plots so it’s not that original. Points off for that. Creativity-wise, I think it’s simply a so-so.
Story & Plotting: 7/15
~As I’ve said, cliché. Apart from that, I think your story is progressing on too fast. I mean, there was no build up on the relationship of Leon & Qi Wen. At first Leon was scared of Qiao En when they first saw her as the washed up girl on the shore but he later found her beautiful and eventually liked her. I think you should have put up a chapter or two about what did Leon find attractive in Qiao En/Qi Wen except her beauty or her innocence. Pardon me, I don’t believe in love at first sight. I mean you don’t fall in love with someone because of mere beauty.
And you know, for someone without any memory, it’s not that easy to develop a new personality that fast. Please expound a little more on that. Further more, yes, Qi Wen was glad to have Li papa, Leon & Cyndi but she should have at least some difficulty in coping up with them. She should have been in a state of minor shock when she woke up without having any memories, right? I mean, what would you do if you woke up in a room without remembering anything and having a stranger who offer you to be their daughter? I think that should be further described in the story.
Another thing is when Qi Wen started painting. You didn’t describe how she got hold of the painting materials which I think is a minor detail but is essential. Where did she find the painting materials? How did she find them? What did she feel when she first held a paintbrush? Did she feel familiar with it? When she first took a stroke of paint on a blank paper, what did she feel? What sort of image was projected in her mind that she wanted to draw? You could have explained all that. I think these are important because her paintings are her link to her past and also, a great deal of Qi Wen’s personality involved painting. Not to mention, it was also the medium by which she expressed her memories.
Also, on Chapter Eight, I think you might want to insert an introductory paragraph on top to explain that it was already three years later because the beginning was all too confusing. I was blindly groping for any sensible word until I read that it was already three years later on the bottom part of the chapter. I think that would make the readers understand better.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
~Spelling-wise, there are a few typos which I think are forgivable.
Example… “What I'm saying is, her mind blocks all memories from her past to be able to not relieve painful memory.” >>> I think the right word is ‘relive’
Grammar-wise, you have substantially good english with a few paragraphs which I think are very good. Some paragraphs were well-crafted while others were simply put there in order to have some narration. You have some slight cases of tense shifting and missing articles but they’re forgivable.
Example… “ Lin Ming Dao's heart filled with regrets and pain” >>> I think it should be “Lin Ming Dao’s heart was filled with regret and pain.”
Vocabulary-wise, you have basic knowledge of words in English and I think that is passable enough. Though I’d have to say, as an author myself, you have to keep striving for improvement. Reading the dictionary wouldn’t be bad.
Flow of the Story: 6/10
~As I’ve said, the progressing of the story is too fast. The relationship between Leon & Qi Wen was not given enough time to mature. The three-year gap was all too confusing. Qi Wen recovered and moved on much too soon. Your pace is a bit too fast which resulted to the lack of emphasis on major turns on the story. Also, Ming Dao decided to be a priest, again, much to soon. He should’ve taken more time to think and ponder.
Writing Style: 2/5
~Pace is too fast, I’d have to repeat that yet again. Also, there was lack of characterization. Yes, your characters were distinct from each other but they didn’t really grow that much. Qiao En was still the talkative girl who suddenly grew up and the only difference was that she was already a lawyer. You always portray the talkative side of her and you don’t highlight that part of her which is heartbroken because of her unrequited love for Leon. Yes, you did put some sentences expressing her unrequited love for him but you know, narrating a point in the story is different from highlighting it. You are writing a romance novel. Each point in the story which deals with the complex emotion of one character towards another should be highlighted.
Another thing, Ming Dao’s decision to be a priest was simply explained in one sentence that it almost seemed unrealistic, if you know what I mean. You could’ve added more details like what he was feeling when he made the decision. Yes, recalling memories of him and Qiao En were like proof that he missed her and he blamed himself for her ‘death’ but you know, when someone is making a life-altering decision such as priesthood, aside from considering your feelings, you also think. And I think, that was what was lacking. You did not clearly explain Ming Dao’s thoughts whil he was praying until he reached the conclusion that the only thing he could do to attain for his mistake was to enter priesthood.
There was lack of description of each character’s thoughts. You always described what they felt and I think that was good but not enough. There are always two sides to a coin. You should balance the intellectual description and the emotional description of the characters to make them more realistic and in depth.
Furthermore,
“…Ming Dao was driving though a narrow, mountain side road without any particular destination in mind. All he knew was that he needed to get away. Away from all the hurt and lies.He gripped the steering wheel tighter and accelerated. Behind, his car left a trail of autumn leaves, like his past. But his past is empty, he thought. What was his past? He was not sure of it anymore. All the things he knew had been contradicted tonight. Every defense mechanism he thought of crumbled right before his very eyes.” >>> I think these two paragraphs can be combined into one. Don’t you think?
Also, I think your dialogues are may messed up that it makes reading your story a pain. The dialogues confuse me a lot. I mean, I’m confused who is really saying that particlar line.
Example,
‘…"But I thought--" Qi Wen looked at Leon . Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough." As the group chuckled, Qi Wen's eyes met Ming Dao's. At one point the warm sensation of familiarity filled Qi Wen again. She felt intrigued about this priest in front of her, who seemed to bring uncanny surprises. "When did you hear the call?" She asked again, this time more serious and being more personal. Ming Dao felt a tinge of pain. So she doesn't have any clue it was because of her, he thought. He wanted to stand up and tell her directly. "It's you! You’re Chen Qiao En! You're not Li Qi Wen!"…’
The whole thing was placed in one jumbled paragraph that it is confusing to read. I think you should place it like this.
‘… "But I thought--" Qi Wen looked at Leon .
Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough."
As the group chuckled, Qi Wen's eyes met Ming Dao's. At one point the warm sensation of familiarity filled Qi Wen again. She felt intrigued about this priest in front of her, who seemed to bring uncanny surprises.
"When did you hear the call?" She asked again, this time more serious and being more personal.
Ming Dao felt a tinge of pain. So she doesn't have any clue it was because of her, he thought. He wanted to stand up and tell her directly. "It's you! You’re Chen Qiao En! You're not Li Qi Wen!"…’
Don’t you think it’s much clearer? Don’t be scared to use spaces between paragraphs, honey. They’re placed there for a purpose. I also think you could further improve this paragraph by adding descriptive sentences like…
‘… Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough." She stated with a warm smile on her place as she looked at Ming Dao…’
You get what I mean, dear? I hope you do. I really want to help you improve.
Lastly,
‘…“Days have past and Qi Wen started her new job. Leon and Cyndi were both busy with their own careers and Jae Joong was still madly in love with Elle…’
Okay, Jae Joong wasn’t exacly part of the main cast hence I could not find any reason why you should put him there. Truthfully speaking, when I read this sentence, I cracked up. Now, you made me laugh but I think that’s a bad thing because by putting such sentence on your story, you are distracting your reader and that’s what’s bad. ^^
Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
~I did enjoy some points in your story though I must say it’s a bit predictable. I’m not saying it’s not good, actually, it is good. I just think you can write this story in a better way than you did.
Bonus Marks: 3/5
~I give points to the replies you give to your readers because it simply shows that you love writing and you also love your readers. ^^
Total Mark: 56/100
Reviewed By: shatteredteardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr
Reviewed By: shatteredteardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr
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