Confession

Title: Confession

Author: iris_jade13

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/irisJade13/

Reviewed By: Lamer_

Disclamer: The below review is purely just penny of my thought.. No offence to anyone out there..

Title: 9/10

Title looks pretty good. It’s one word, short, sweet and outstanding..

Poster & Background : 9/10

I love the poster totally.. It's really nice and matches well with the theme of the story.. :)

Forewords: 6.5/10

Honestly speaking, your forewords sounds a little cliché to me.. A loves B, then suddenly C came out, breaking them apart.. It's a typical idol drama love story which can be found all over in winglin.. I can see your efforts in coming up with it. However, do take extra attention towards the language segment. No offence, Just a penny of my thought..

Cast Used: 1/5
The only thing I got from the story was that, Arron was a jerk, Hebe was stupid and Rainie was a bitch(sorry for the rude words).. And I feel that Hebe is weird as well. Who in the right mind would stand under the rain JUST to get sick so that the guy would come for her.. I think the girl must be really desperate for love. And it irks me as a feminist.

The characters felt like a paper characters or puppets that was just seriously boring..

Not to mention, I have no idea whether to call your choice of male character a mismatch or creative by making Arron (the usual nice guy)the jerk..

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
I think you are suffering a aftereffect of an overdose of TVB or Taiwanese drama. Nono, not Taiwanese idol drama but those 100 over episodes of over theatrical drama that “aunties” with nothing to do watch in the afternoon to kill time. Overdone as it may, but they keep the aunt attention span.
But even that is better than your story.
They can chase after one show for YEARS..
Unlike yours..

Let me summarises your story.. Hebe and Arron were together, then Rainie, who so HAPPENED to be the Hebe’s best friend was caught in bed with Arron. .Then Arron rejected Hebe.. Hebe goes overseas.. When she was going to get married, Arron came and confessed his undying love for Hebe.

If it ended there, it might be called CLICHÉ. But sadly, you went on…

Rainie knocked Arron down in jealousy.. Arron died..

My reaction was this: Oh, My God.. It is so, Dramatic?? A little too much drama to be added on?? Overdoing it??

Story & Plotting: 4/15
Paragraph 1 of your story reminds me of a story we always wrote in Primary School.. You stare out of the window and you recall something. It’s more over then cliché..

Anyhow, on with the rest of the story.. The word to classify it is OVERLY drama. You tried to incorporate so much ‘climax’ in your storyline. So much so that I feel like in a horribly boring coaster ride and can’t wait to get down any sooner.. And yes, they were all 'climax’ without forming any images in my head because your descriptions were rather vague..
I appreciate the fact that you try to add in surprising elements into the story, but I think you overdid it totally.. Was there really a need to make Arron die and Rainie knock him over? ?

Overall, your fic feels weird ..

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Fluctuating tenses got on my nerves.

And I wonder if you have been listening to your primary school teacher when he/she taught you grammar because, basic grammar says that after a modal verb is the root form of the word.. Wait?? Are you lost?? Let me illustrate..

You wrote “does not deserves” but it should be “does not DESERVE”

You wrote “will never spent her time” but it should be “will never SPEND”

Get it?

I couldn’t help but wonder at this one, “lady’s high heels shoe”(it's shoes by the way, i guess either you miss it or you completely forgotten about it)..


Flow Of Story: 2/10

Besides the fact that in the second paragraph you said that the incident happened five years ago, you were writing a dateless fairytale.. How long had Arron and Hebe been together?? And Hebe MARRIED?? Won’t they suppose to be in High School?? Are you trying to do a parody of married at 18?? Do you know that if a child marries before 21 she needs parental consent?? Not to mention I cannot understand how a 21th century woman would want to marry before she hit university (unless she got pregnant that is).. Plain illogical..

Writing Style: 2/5
You sentences tend to be super linear and it goes something like, She said this, She did this, She said this…. And it makes reading your story absolutely boring, like reading a 10 year old kid writing her first composition??

Moreover, I don’t see any emotion being poured into the story at all.. You seemed to be more interested in telling the readers 101 things happened than to involve them in the characters’ inner turmoil..

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
I did not enjoy your fic.. Seriously..

I’m hesitant to read further on starting from the forewords.. The unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' put me off.. I can see that you are trying hard to make a twist for the story, yet I think, you either, overdo it, or, you really wanted to write something so exciting to attracted the reader(but sadly, it doesn't really work for me)..


Bonus marks: 2/5

One mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the reader’s comment..

Total mark: 47.5

Additional comments:

Don't get too upset about you mark.. Serious speaking, your story ain't that bad.. But adding in too much unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' just put me off.. Maybe you can try harder next time.. I really can see your effort writing, so keep writting.. Practise make prefect.. :) Motivate yourself to do better next time then.. :)

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr