Love Grows, Our’s Blossom

Title: Love Grows, Our’s Blossom
Author: Mandy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Koolzgirlz
Reviewed By: Lovie


Title: 5/10
This title is okay. Wells, I could just picture a typical romance almost immediately when I first see this title. Nothing special and nothing interesting.
Oh anyway, if you realise, there’s grammatical error in your title. It should be “Love Grows, Ours Blossom”. There’s no such word as “our’s”.


Poster & Background: 6.5/10
The poster was quite pretty. However the blend wasn’t really done beautifully. It still looks awkward to me. Wells, I guess I can leave it to you to request for some changes from your designer.

I did like the background very much. However, it’s such a pity your font isn’t the right colour. I had some difficulty reading some parts when the pink font clashes with the pink in your background.


Foreword: 2/10
I have to fail you in this criterion because there isn’t prologue of any sort that. Yes, I just hate to see a prologue missing. This is a real serious problem here, because if you fail to make the readers want to click the next button, that’s it. You will lose your readers. It would definitely be better if you could just include a short prologue, preferably a bombshell to keep your readers in suspense.

Oh, I could see a short character introduction but it didn’t seem to be able to interest me as well. I’m fine with character introduction although I would prefer authors to plan the characterisation of the characters throughout the story. Remember to include a longer character introduction. It’s too short to really interest the readers.

Nevertheless, I gave you two marks for your efforts.


Cast Used: 3/5
Oh quite refreshing. I don’t think I have tried any fanfic on this pairing yet.


Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I have a word to describe the plot of your story - “cliché”.

A typical romance that starts with one bumping into another accidentally, and was attracted to another almost immediately… Then the story went on with them going out together. The climax was nothing special too; just an appearance of a third party and the female cast contracting cancer. If you were to read a summary like this, how far do you think you can sustain your interest in this fanfic? So, now, do you see the problem? The storyline there is cliché, which posed as a high danger that may bore your readers. Therefore, my point is, try to be more creative. No doubt, easier said than done, what I can offer is some suggestions for you to come up with your own ideas.

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.


Story & Plotting: 8.5/15
I shan’t double penalise you for your storyline. As I have said before, remember to be more creative.

As for the organisation of ideas, there’s still room for improvement. You did manage to sustain a little interest in the readers and making them want to read more at the end of the chapters, however more should be done. Remember, winglin is site where fanfics are required to be updated frequently. It is very important for readers to be able to sustain interest in the readers long enough. Therefore, I would highly recommend you to plan a small climax at the end of every chapter to keep the readers in suspense.


Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were careless mistakes here and there throughout the story that you should be careful of. Spellings mistakes and grammer mistakes can be avoided if you make it an effort to check every chapter before posting up them next time.

Another problem is your way of expression. I’m not sure whether you’re facing problems expressing yourself that’s why your story has been written in quite a bizarre and immature manner. For example, you tend to drawl your words to place emphasis on certain situations.

Sample 1 : “Yan was sooooo mad that he had contradicted her, she walked away.”

Sample 2 : “Chris was very, very, mad and also jealous.”

Now you can see how you drawl your words and using the technique of repetition to place emphasis on your point. Of course, it’s not wrong to do that. However, it sounded as though you’re the narrator of this story and you’re reading a story to your audience. That should not be the way. You should leave your readers to find the beauty within words and imagine, not you telling them everything.

Sample 1 and 2 can be improved by adding descriptions to show HOW angry the protagonists were. For example, simple ones would be “burning with rage” and “he was turning purple with anger” etc.

Another problem you had is organisation. You tend to write all dialogues in one single paragraph, which is a big NO-NO. Only one dialogue in one paragraph please.

Sample 3:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....." He said slowly,"Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

It can be reorganised as following.

Sample 4:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....."
He said slowly, “Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

Also, don’t include more than one “and” in your sentence!


Flow of Story: 6/10
The flow of story is inconsistent and irregular, sometimes slow and sometimes too fast. For example, this chapter you’re talking about the separation and the next you’re talking about Yan collapsing. That’s too fast and abrupt. You’re not giving the readers enough time to digest the facts and get them right. Thus, it is important that you learn to control the pace of the story.


Writing Style: 2.5/5
I believe you’re still quite new at writing…? That’s something to consider because it really takes time for authors to develop their own distinctive writing style. Anyway, for the benefit of doubt, I gave you a pass. Gain more experiences and you’ll soon develop your own writing style.


Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/10
I was skimming through most of the chapters, or should I say, I’m practically skipping most of the parts because I could almost prognosticate what will happen next. Too boring, even for a leisure read. I’m definitely not enjoying myself here. However, I have got to admit that there are some parts which I find them to be quite sweet. Keep it up.


Bonus marks: 5/5
I would like to give you 5 bonus marks to encourage you. I can see the efforts you’re putting in, so I don’t want to make the review sound disparaging and hurtful. Continue to work hard and I anticipate more improvements from you. =)

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: With regards to the “additional information” you left in the review request form, I decided I should give you a reply. You said, “I want you to review my story as soon possible. Please and thanks.” I’m sorry but I really find the word “want” used here disturbing because you sounded as though you’re bossing me around and I don’t really like the sound of that. I believe you don’t mean it, and perhaps you wrote it unintentionally. All I want to say is please be careful with your words next time. I’m afraid others might be offended and might even reject your request if you sounded impolite regardless of your original intention.

If you have enquiries, please feel free to contact via Midnight Tree.

Good luck and all the best to your story! :)


**Special comments: With regards to some impolite comments in the comment box, personally I strongly disapprove of people hiding behind another pseudonym and disparage others’ fanfics. Mandy has already made it clear, or in fact, she has already proclaimed her story as similar to the drama so you shouldn’t be saying she’s plagarising. That’s all I intended to say.


Reviewed by (Lovie) @midnight-tree.co.nr
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