My Last Serenade

Title: My Last Serenade
Author: CoOkies
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CoOkies/
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops


Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.



Title: 5/10

~ The title sounded classic. Even though it’s overused because it’s a common title, it still sounds so elegant. I gave merits for your classic choice of title but I got points off because the title isn’t exactly original. Also, what is the relevance of your title to your story? I’ve read all the thirty chapters you wrote and I did not find any clue as to why the title became as such. I have to take points off for that.



Poster & Background: 6/10

~ The poster is nice. I liked the quote you placed on it. It’s really meaningful. But I feel that you could have had a better poster, one that could better represent your story in terms of theme.



As for the poster, it doesn’t obstruct my reading and it clearly shows that your story is a romance story, so I gave points for that.



Forewords: 5/10

~ Your character description is short and concise, not really that catchy but it is good enough. It’s better than nothing, right? I will give out points for its clearness though I feel that you could have done a lot better than this.



Cast Used: 3/5

~ I know S.H.E., Wu Chun & Calvin Chen but I am neither a fan nor a hater of them. Characterization-wise, I like how you characterized Ella. I can just imagine her perfectly being clumsy. And at the first few chapters, I liked how you managed to portray Hebe’s little crush on Chun and how Chun was a bit regretful when he became rude to Ella. I just don’t like how they act all so childish. Like in one part where Ella warned Hebe about Chun and she went defensive then Selina explained for Ella and then Hebe ran to Ella and hugged her. That was so childish. They argue and then they hug. If they were mature in the first place, they wouldn’t argue over a small thing. What I didn’t like was the shallowness of the characters. Yes, you did bring out their usual attitudes and behaviors but you did not show how they would react in certain extreme situations.



Originality & Creativity: 5/15

~ Originality-wise, this is original but shallow and unrealistic. I feel that it is lacking. In what sense? Well, for one, you did not clearly describe how they felt and what they thought. Also, I think Calvin fell in love too immediately with Angela. That is very unrealistic. Yes, he may have been enthralled by her beauty but to say that he was already in love with her was… shall I say, too unbelievable?



On the other hand, creativity-wise, I think it’s not that creative. A lot of things in the story can be improved. Well, you could start on improving your story by changing your one-liner paragraphs. I’m not really a fan of one-liner paragraphs because they make a chapter look empty. Dear, you should consider writing a decent paragraph.



Story & Plotting: 5/15

~ This story is a bit shallow because the plot is quite common. I mean, basically, there were no conflicts at all except for the pairings. And what happened to Hebe? You did not even include her reaction when she knew about Chun and Ella. Also, with Chun dying, I think it was a bit off-track and uncalled for. It made the ending disappointing but I think it was not the best ending for your story. The mood for the whole fic was cute, cheerful and complex that it just didn’t click in with the ending. I’d have to take points off for these but I gave out points for effort.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

~ First of all, I am a spelling/grammar freak. Mistakes in both areas are an eye-sore for me. I’ve been reading and reviewing all sorts of fics so I have developed this strong distaste for major spelling and grammatical errors which, I should mention often occur in the chapters of your fic.



These are some of the mistakes I really took note of apart from the many other mistakes I’ve encountered. Just a piece of advice: proof read. Do proof read your chapters and check for errors before posting your chapters. It’s every author’s responsibility.



MISTAKES:

Chapter One:

“…Yupp, Hope to see you guys there, and rememeber (remember) get home safe, cherish your family, music love (don’t you mean love music?) and stay in school…”

“…Was all the girls could here (hear) as they sped away onto the streets…”



CHAPTER SIX

“Its (It’s) okay.. I’m sure someone (‘is’ should be placed here) appreciative of your work.”

“Hey.. sorry.. but you look reallyyy (I don’t get why you add on extra letters at the end? Is that reallyyy necessary?) familiar. Have we met someone (don’t you mean ‘somewhere’?)? ..Or did we hook up and I’ve never called you back or something???”



Chapter seven

Unfortuantly (Unfortunately)



Chapter twelve

“So Ella who’s your man?? He cutes..(Don’t you mean ‘he’s cute’?)” Hebe smiled



CHAPTER SIXTEEN

He suddenly came to realisation (realization) of what (insert ‘he’ here) has become after the fall.



Chapter nineteen

“ You know what Chun… your (you’re) turning into those old ladies now, like from the markets. Hehe.. you should just quite you day job…” Ella said jokily (jokingly).



For spelling, I’d have take some points off seeing how you have a lot of typos in your chapters. Some typos are forgivable but when they occur in every chapter, I think that makes it necessary for me to point it out to you and take off some points. Also, I don’t really appreciate how you add in extra letters at the end of some words like ‘Reallyyy’ and also the spelling of ‘yeah’ is Y-E-AH and not ‘yerh’.



For Grammar, you have missing words and sometimes a misuse of ‘there’ and ‘their’ and ‘its’ and ‘it’s’. You also do some minor tense-shifting so I’ll take a few points off for that too.



For vocabulary, I think you have a passable command of the English language but I’d have to say that there is still plenty of room for improvement.



Flow of Story: 4/10

~ The story is shallow. No major conflict hence it is not strong and the whole thing was unrealistic. I was waiting for a climax and a major conflict to turn up between the characters but obviously, I was disappointed.



Writing Style: 2/5

~ I am not a fan of one-liners. I prefer a decent paragraph. There is really nothing astounding in your writing style. It’s just like the usual writing style of a majority of authors found in Winglin. I think you can still improve. Why don’t you try putting your one-liners in a decent paragraph?



Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

~ There were some points in your story that I did enjoy but with each chapter I read, my enjoyment was not sustained. It was sort of cute at first but eventually it died down. It’s not really that interesting.



Bonus Marks: 2/5

~ You do reply to your readers, I think this deserve some points.



Total Mark: 43/100

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr