(A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)

Warning: Very bad review ahead. Approach with caution.

Title: (A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)
Author: y.e.a.
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/once_upon/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 2/10
First impression: have I come to the wrong place? Is this MSN messenger?

Seriously, what’s with all the brackets? And what’s with the emphasis on the NEVER? You know, the latter question is that one that really gets me, because I haven’t really found an answer to it. I can understand what it means to beautify the title and stuff, but what IS it with the emphasis on ‘never’? It gets me worried, because after the first chapter, I was convinced that it would really NEVER end. NEVER.

The title also set off a series of chain reactions in my brain, going something along the lines of a Lambchop classic. Which honestly, all I want is to turn you into lambchop after this whole reaction began. If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, there’s always good, ‘ole Youtube.

And as you have already found out for yourself, this is (a) (review) (you) (hoped) (you) (had) (NEVER) (requested).

Poster and Background: 6/10
Points for a poster that’s well done, but unfortunately the colour of the background gets me. If a lighter shade were to be used, then the effect might have been better. This current one makes the poster stand out like a torch light in a dark room, which really, isn’t really the effect I think you might have wanted to achieve.

The font colours come upon as jarring on the eyes, and I had to turn down the brightness on both computer monitors in order to read comfortably.

Try to remember. You’re trying to make an impression by your story and your language, not the fact that your fic is a well known light bulb.

Foreword: 0/10
I have no qualms about giving 0 for this section simply because I think you deserve it. I’m being nice here, lumping both official and unofficial forewords (that’s how it’s spelt: foreword, foreword, foreword. Forward is the direction you should be going.) To put this all simply, let’s use a script form that you’re so fond of.

Mistake 1: Telling the readers that this fic might be boring. *Attention span wavers slightly*

Mistake 2: Having this TVB-esque beginning in your so-called official foreword, which really, made me switch off by the time I got midway of this… Thing. The word for it is shapeless. Another word for it would be… Irrelevant. Or overly dramatic. To the point that it’s become hair-raising.

In short, it’s just nonsense. *switches off*

Mistake three: You introduction of characters is really a classic case of what should be done to allow readers to tune out before they hit the main plot. Your plot might be the most intricate, wonderful plot in the universe, but with this sort of character introduction, it becomes nothing short of the very definition of “terrible”.

Mistake four: Writing an ancient piece in English a la the Forbidden Kingdom (a.k.a. the Jackie Chan show off vehicle).

Mistake five: It’s just funny. Very funny. Hilarious. And that’s only good if this was meant to be a comedy.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 2/5
I applaud your interesting use of the cast. I also applaud your bravery in using an original character. I applaud your bravery in constructing such… memorable characters.

I’m being nice.

Or am I?

I mean, look, seriously. Who are these people? What are they doing? I see nothing but blank empty characters flying around, making clowns of themselves most of the time. I know that much of the inspiration comes from idol dramas and the like (and this one being especially reminiscent of a TVB serial), but this is writing. We don’t see the characters appear before us physically, and that cuts the drama and the caricature that they were supposed to be.

So sweetheart, write. Don’t draw. This is writing, you can’t draw with words as scant as yours, much less create convincingly human characters. You’re looking for characters, not clowns.

Story and Plotting: 2/15
Two. Let me explain.

Numero Uno. I don’t know what’s going on most of the time. And I know it’s not because I’m dumb. I’m not dumb; you’re confusing.

Duo. The plot moves so sllooooowlllyyy that I feel like I’m really reading a never ending tale. NEVER ending (emphasis not mine).

Tres. I applaud your use of translations, especially with the wonderfully, specific and accurate English translations of what is supposedly Chinese martial art strokes. The thing is, as I’ve said many times before, language is a form of communication, and I really don’t know what’s the point of using “SILVER FIST” when you can write something considerably more vivid a la “Jiro threw a punch at his attacker.” Or simply, in classic script style – Jiro: *punches hard*
Attacker: *nose bleeds*
Me: *sigh*

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 1/10
Let me recount to you how you lost the marks. Mark by mark.

At 10, your sticky caps on the contents page for the chapter titles got me. And then there were 8.
At 8, your excellent, but otherwise really useless and ineffective translations of certain martial art strokes that have long gone missing got me. And then there were 7.
At 7, your colloquial language like “yah” and “his self” (it should be himself) got me. And then there were 5.
At 5, your bad grammar like your mixing of past and present tenses got me. And then there were 4.
At 4, your overdose of CAPITAL LETTERS really, really got me. And then there were 2.
At 2, your use of diction put together (that means, incoherent sentences, unnecessary words, etc.) got me. And then there was 1.

Notice how the math flows? Not well? Hmmm… Oh well, I didn’t say I could do math, the same way as you didn’t say you could do English.

Flow of Story: 3/10
It doesn’t flow well. It flows too slowly, and I wish I could’ve ended it in a jiffy. And when anything is in script form, it just doesn’t flow, at all.

Look at it this way. It’s not the water over rocks that matters, because when water flows over rocks, it still maintains its fluidity. But when sand flows over rocks… It doesn’t flow. It gets stuck, and it becomes more rock over the years.

Your fic wasn’t water, neither was it fine sand. It was solidified rock.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
Not too bad, at least you were consistent, although it wasn’t consistently good.

I really advise against the whole script form thing. Really.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 3/15
I rolled a die and ended up at 3.

To you, that might spell how unprofessional, how insincere I am at writing this review, but to me, it doesn’t make a difference. Anything below 6 would’ve done the trick.

I’ve seen this plot somewhere, but if you had managed to work it well, then I wouldn’t have been so prissy about the whole clichéd or not thing. Problem is, you didn’t.

Creativity comes in two parts: plot, and style. If you weren’t creative on your plot, having pulled it from some Charmaine Sheh TVB drama, or some Nicholas Sparks novel out there, then you have to work on your style. But you weren’t even relatively coherent, not to mention if you could work out something to bring out the essence of what you were trying to bring out.

Plot: TVB drama.
Style: Taiwanese idol drama’s comedy mixed with sappiness.
Overall: Rubbish.

And notice, none of that is even original.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10
I read maybe… 3 chapters of the lot? Or rather, I read every chapter, but I could have written the whole story within 3 chapters. Everything was wrong about this. Everything.

And by the way, you said it’s written in script form because it’s “ancient times”? I see no logic in that. Explain to me, please. I think it was more due to laziness than anything. And if you doubt that a period drama could be done in prose, then read more Louis Cha. It’s Chinese, but then again, you might fare better in another language other than English.

Bonus marks: 1/5
Responding to readers: 1
Linking to MT: 0
X-factor: 0

Total mark: 22.5/100

Additional Comments: I warned that I was strict, and sarcastic. And I offend, yes. It might be intentional, or otherwise, but why care? If this is the wake up call necessary for you to write better fics, then please, wake up already. Lambchop’s calling.

If not, I really (don’t) (EVER) (want) (to) (review) (your) (fics) (anymore).

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr