Title: World’s Apart
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lil_tiger2/
Reviewed By: Sushi
Title: 9.3/10
Your title is quite compatible with your story. Although it is usually used as a metaphor, you have decided against the main stream and used the meaning of it in a literal way. It isn’t a simple title as it holds many meanings and you managed to link it throughout the story. The only complaint I have is that it doesn’t capture my interest. It looks and sounds boring and doesn’t hold much appeal. Although the title does have relevance to the story, it would be better to make it more eye catching.
Poster & Background: 3/10
Putting aside the use of graphics present in the poster, the current layout does not follow through with the fantasy genre of the fiction. From what I see, the poster only indicates romance, along with the quote that completely conflicts with the story. Love and hate? All I see is love, where is the hate? Where is the clash? Your quote also point towards romance, in which I think is the secondary genre of the story. Fantasy seems to override it and I see nearly no elements in the poster. Granted that you have managed to make it bright and glowing and seeing that it is quite out of the norm, so I’ll give some points for that.
The background and the poster do not match. However you look at it, even with the black font on the poster, it clashes. Also, seeing as it is a fantasy fiction, the background is too plain. Add some fantasy elements in it. Maybe the red cloudy skies you have described in your story? The font was clear and readable.
Foreword: 6/10
I like your short paragraph. It has some indications of it being a fantasy when you wrote, “Nothing is the same anymore.” What I didn’t like was how you wrote out paragraph after paragraph describing each character, saying what the liked or disliked. You don’t need to do that. You have already described each character in your story clearly enough for the reader to understand their personality. And long paragraphs like that can sometimes make the forewords seem over the top. Make it short, simple and to the point. By the way, is Hayley supposed to be Michelle?
Cast Used: 2.9/5
Let’s look at Tavia. Referring back to the foreword in your character description, you said that she was a fashion fanatic? Seeing as she isn’t a main character in the story (so far), I wouldn’t think you’d go into much detail about her. But from what I’ve read on her character, nothing showed that she was a fashion fanatic as you have claimed her to be. You see, this is why you don’t explain each character in the foreword. This way you can change your mind about what they are like.
Now onto Rachel. I still have no idea what her personality is like. Even after how many chapters, all I know is that she is the wise cunning one. There were times when she was a trickster, there were times when she was nasty, then she was reasonable then she was kind. Who is this person? There’s nothing distinct about her, her personality changes too much. Find one personality for her and stick by it.
Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Considering that it is of a fantasy genre, of course it is very creative. Being in a coma and ending up in another world, you wouldn’t call that clichéd. However, the ending, as far as I know, is quite predictable. Charmaine and Raymond are going back to the “real” world and are going to end up together with some talk with their current partners. Because your story is yet to end, think of a twist that would make the reader go, WOW! Make sure that the twist makes sense as well of course.
Story & Plotting: 12.5/15
I didn’t have a problem understanding your story. It was clear and precise. Except for when Charmaine’s mother suicided. One minute she was lecturing Charmaine, the next minute she was on the road. I think you rushed it a bit there, seeing as you didn’t even indicate that she left the room! Apart from that, I can’t find any flaws (that I remember).
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
Your sentence structure was a bit bad. Some didn’t make sense and others seemed to be put together with the use of ‘;’. Do not violate the use of these semicolons. You have overused them and it makes it hard to read your sentences. Instead of placing them, either separate them into different sentences or with commas.
Another thing is your use of ‘………………’ What the heck is that? An ellipsis only has three dots. Why did you use so many for? Reduce the numbers!
Flow of Story: 9/10
Your story would have gone smoothly if you had elaborated on Charmaine’s mother’s death.
Writing Style: 2.5/5
Your writing style is alright. I had no problems sitting back and reading it. The thing was that you should describe the scenery more and the movement of the fictional characters, especially Rachel because she seemed to not come from the ‘real’ world which evidently makes her more interesting. Paint a picture of that world for your readers to imagine it so that the fourth wall can be broken and see themselves in the story with your characters. It’s a hard thing to do but when writing fantastical stories, that’s what you’re trying to aim for.
Overall Enjoyment: 3/10
Too tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it. The only thing that kept me going was my curiosity in seeing how you would write this fantasy fiction.
Bonus marks: 0/5
No bonus marks.
Total mark: 67.7/100
Additional comments: I am so sorry I took so long! I have my reasons!!
Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-
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