You Still Have Me

Title: You Still Have Me

Author: halky

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/halky4/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 9.5/10

‘You Still Have Me’ is a nice title for your story. It’s romantic and pin points the main idea of the story as well as the genre.

Poster and Background: 7/10

The colours you’ve chosen are very soft and light; nice and easy on the eyes. However, the pictures in the background are not washed out enough. Every time I reached the centre of the page, I get distracted by the pictures. Although the font is ‘just’ dark enough to read over it, it’s still hard because of Hebe’s dark and attention-grabbing hair.
I’m puzzled over the pictures in the poster. You’ve added in a flower and what seems to be a bridge? Strange, I don’t remember them being in the story. Although it makes the poster pretty, try to make it link to the story.

Foreword: 7/10

Your foreword is cute. Right away from the words they said and how they acted, I knew their age range, their relationship and a little bit of their personality. You didn’t need to list it out like a profile which is even better! However, it doesn’t seem to be a lead to the story as it is part of the story. Even though it introduces the characters, there is no introduction to the story. All you’ve given is that Arron likes Hebe and she is blind towards his feelings. Maybe say that Hebe usually gets played a lot and how Arron has to save her every time.

Cast Used: 3/5

Each character’s role is carried out quite consistently. Hebe is a girl who looks for any possibility of love that is thrown at her. They way you’ve written it, the time frame is probably one week every indent? This makes her sound like the ‘easy’ sort of girl who would agree to everything the guy asks of her. I didn’t think that this is the type of girl you’re trying to portray. You’re trying to make her seem like an innocent victim that’s been toyed around by love, right? The way she was so depressed every time they dumped her would have worked, but how simple it was for Arron to cheer her up makes me wonder if she was that depressed after all. Especially when she moved from one guy to the next so often as well, really shows how easily she can just forget the one she had previously been heart broken for.
Arron has a stubborn, distant and proud personality. He was too proud to express his love for Hebe and even commented Lee Wei as ‘lucky’ to be able to confess to her. I like his character better than Hebe’s. He is stronger willed and determined in his goal in making Hebe happy, rather than Hebe where her heart can be healed with just a cup of guan dong zhu.

Originality and Creativity: 4/15

I wouldn’t say that this is creative. It’s just the story of a guy rescuing his love every time she gets into trouble over and over and over. From the start I knew the ending and from the fourth indent I knew how the story was going to go. I wasn’t surprised or wowed when I reached the end. It was just a typical fairy tale ending.

Story and Plotting: 10/15
Your plotting was consistent throughout, with Hebe getting a new boyfriend and then getting comforted by Arron. It was like a cycle. Two things that really seemed out of the blue in your story were the pads and the kiss at the end. The pads were weird. I just laughed and thought what the heck? when I read that part. It really knocked the romantic feeling out the window. There are other ways to have Arron be read as a thoughtful guy and to stick him with something more, cooler? Magic tricks have always been thought of as a way to cheer up girls. Pulling out a rose from behind her ear is much more romantic than pads!
The tongue action at the end is highly inappropriate. Light hearted romance does not call for such a description. Describe how they felt instead if you’re looking for something to fill in the gap. Actually, that would have been much better. Describe clearly how happy Arron felt to have confessed and how shocked yet touched Hebe felt.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10

The word ‘hardly’ is not an adverb for hard. It means, only just. You’ve used ‘hardly’ incorrectly for a lot of sentences so I didn’t think it was an accident.
There were some sentences that were poorly structured. One of the many that I picked up was:

Then she looked up at the disappearing figure, than more tears came out from her eyes
*When she looked up at the disappearing figure, more tears came out of her eyes

The use of than and then in the same sentence should be avoided. When there was a then in the previous sentence, try not to use it again in the following. Makes it look dodgy.

There were also sentences that Arron said that didn’t make sense. I assumed that it was because he was in a fit of rage to have rambled on about gibberish.

THAT FREAKING GUY IS SO LUCKY THAT HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN! WHY DON’T YOU CHOOSE ME INSTEAD?

Why is he lucky to hurt her? And had he hurt her before? Like I said, Arron’s talking in gibberish.

Remember to edit your work. Read it out loud to see if it makes sense or not. It’s the little silly mistakes that cost you your whole meaning of the sentence.

Flow of Story: 9/10

Nothing seemed out of the blue. Everything was constant.

Writing Style: 3/5

I think, from what I’ve said about your creativity, if you put in a twist at the end it would be much better. Right now, you’ve written a plain basic story. For the finishing touches, it would be better to add a climax to the story, put in a twist, something that would make your story memorable.
Also, I don’t think you’ve gone into much depth with the emotional side. When dealing with romance, you’ve got to explore not only what their emotions are making them do (whether it is to strangle Calvin or crying), but explain what they’re feeling. What they’re thinking and what they desired.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Pretty good story. Not bad. If you follow the recommendations I’ve stated, I surely hope that your story will be better in the future.

Bonus marks: 2/5

Two points for making your own layout.

Total mark: 66/100

Additional comments:

If you have any queries then tag me

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr