A Penny For Your Thoughts [ M-T Challenge ]

Title: A Penny for Your Thoughts [M-T Challenge]
Author: Sushi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/A_P_F_Y_T/
Reviewed By: v

Title: - /10
Section removed.

Poster & Background: 7/10
Poster was very well done. It brings out a nostalgic feeling to the reader. Typically, the main colours of maudlin-related fan fiction posters are black, brown or grey. But this was different. The colour choice is very refreshing to me.

Forewords: 8/10
It’s a very sweet ending in the forewords. Faced with many frustrated thoughts and problems, the girl was able to so easily bring him out of his misery (temporarily). I’ve never thought of the title this way – an actual penny for one’s thoughts. Very well done, I must say. The sentence was a truly tempting and made me read on.

Cast Used: 4/5
Out of the few characters featured in the story, Kin Jung Hoog and Jung Da Bin are the only main characters, so I am going to focus on them. Kim Jung Hoog has this sad expression on his face, despite the weak smile on his face, in the poster. The story brings out the unsaid frustration he have had for the past several years, and also how hard he tries to be strong for his family; that made the Kim Jung Hoon in the poster suitable for the character in the story.

I’ve always liked Jung Da Bin, especially after watching Wonderful Life. The big round eyes she has makes her incredibly cute and innocent-looking. It is quite an appropriate decision-making here!

Originality & Creativity: 12/15
Unlike the typical love stories Winglin contains, this one has almost nothing to do with the characters being romantically in love. This story brings out the intelligence a kid, despite being very young, possesses.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
Short story has to have a plot with humongous impact, so as to let the readers remember the story over time despite having only a couple of chapters. It is not easy, but I reckon you have done so, through the conversations between Kim Jung Hoon and Jung Da Bin.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I haven’t really spotted any grammar mistakes, yet.
Great job there!

Flow Of Story: 7/10
The flow was okay, but because of the few flashbacks, it got me a little confused as to whether I’m reading the flashbacks or the current on-going conversations between Jung Hoon and Da Bin. But other than that, everything else is fine (:

Writing Style: 4/5
I do like your writing style, it describes the characters’ surroundings, depicting the story and at the same time allowing my mind to picture the scenes. Well done!

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I like the ending part,

"Hey! What's your name again?"

The girl turned around and faced him, raising an eyebrow. "Have you forgotten? It's Da Bin,"

There’s this indescribable feeling. It’s like, DA Bin’s going away, leaving Jung Hoon with nothing but memories of their conversations and her name. It’s kind of sad.

Bonus marks: 4/5
The bonus marks is for a chapter expressing your gratitude to your readers and heh, for me to make up for the very-very-very late review.

Total marks: 73/90 (81%)


Addtional comments:
I am terribly sorry for the disgustingly-late review. The review came and then I went hiatus because of the project assignments I had on hand, I had five. After the projects ended, my final examinations started -.-

Anyways, good luck with your future fan fictions…!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

I Wish You Didn’t

Title: I Wish You Didn’t

Author: Jenny

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/xoxlilpunkxox/

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I don’t think your title would be interesting enough to attract my attention if I’m a reader scrolling down the Winglin website. This will pose as a big threat to your story because your story wouldn’t stand out enough from the others.
A more interesting title please. That’s all I could offer.

Poster&Background: 3/10

I have always encouraged authors to do their own posters because they are the ones who know the story best. Yes, I can see your efforts in doing your poster. I appreciate it. However, I have some little comments for you. Some of the pictures are out of place and the sizes of the pictures are wrong. And, you should use a smaller brush. Last of all, a better combination of colours could be used.
Try to go for more Photoshop tutorials online. I’m sure you will make a great designer too.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a professional designer so you might not agree with some of the comments I offer. Those comments are not meant to be disparaging, but just some honest opinions in my point of view.

Foreword: 4/10

This is really bad. The summary you have there reveals all. Now you have taken away what which has a great potential to create an air of suspense. You should have written the prologue in one of the protagonists’ one of view, perhaps, Horikita Maki, when she found out the horrifying fact that she has to live with four heartthrobs. Also, the character introduction seems quite useless. You should characterize those protagonists through your writing. “Show” not “tell”.

Cast Used: 3/5

Yes, I like them.
However, there is not much characterization done.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

There is not climax at all. You’re just telling a boring life story of them. You should pick on more important scenes to place emphasis on the creativity you could have used here. Anyway the storyline is similar to Hana Kimi, which I found it to be quite boring. Blending into a school as a normal student when the protagonist is a very popular artiste would have been interesting before Hana Kimi, but after it.
Let me just offer you some tips (I think they should be quite of helpful to you.)

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.

Story & Plotting: 8/15

Okay, you passed this because I can see the attempts you have made, trying to create a little suspense at the end of every chapter. Keep it up, for it is really important to leave your readers hanging. Only then, they will want to read more! However, more should be done. Remember, winglin is a fanfiction site which requires readers to update their stories. You must be able to sustain the interest in readers long enough, if not you will lose your readers.
And, shorter chapters please. You tend to get too naggy sometimes.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

Correct your mistakes please. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
And, you can improve on your descriptions. It would definitely be better if you could “show” instead of “telling” the story. A wider gamut of vocabulary would be helpful.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10

Sometimes I got quite irritated by the inconsistent flow of story. It could be really naggy at sometimes! Remember, remove the superfluous parts and focus on the important ones!

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I can see a consistent writing style throughout the story. However, it is not unique, which you call it yours. It requires more writing to develop one.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the first half of the story because I found the story to be cute and hilarious, especially scenes with Toma in it. However, for the later parts of the story, I lost my patience. It got naggy. In fact, I just skimmed through some of the chapters, without devouring every word carefully.

Bonus marks: 5/5

That’s for encouragement purpose. You deserve them because I believed you have worked hard for your story. However, you will need to work harder still.

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: Firstly, please accept my apologies for this really late review. I know I have taken a really long time to process. I’m sorry because I was very busy. Hope you can understand. Secondly, with regards with this piece review, I bet you would have quite a few questions for me. If there’s any enquiries, you may contact me via the site’ tagboard, or midnight-tree email if you would prefer that. I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Good luck and work hard for your sequel!

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
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雨天的好朋友

Title: 雨天的好朋友

Author: 泡泡

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/paopao

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6.5/10

这故事的名称挺可爱的，给我一种很甜蜜的感觉，但还是不够吸引人。你在这方面需要多下苦功，因为一个不吸引人的故事名称是很吃亏的。你会因此失去很多读者。

Poster & Background: 8.5/10

还不错。也很可爱呢，尤其是右上角的图案。
但是，需要注意的是，background的眼色与故事情节，情调很不搭。或许，你可以试浅粉红色。还有，有些字体的颜色，例如白色，也很不适合。

Foreword: 0/10

根本不及格。
那么短的人物介绍并不足以让读者对你的故事产生兴趣。你应该通过故事勾画出人物的性格，而不是直截了当地把各个人物的优缺点说出来。
我建议你以故事的开始作为故事的序。这能有效地吸引读者读下去。

Cast Used: 2/5

普普通通。还算过得去。
不就是常常被凑在一起的人物吗？

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

由于故事情节非常老掉牙，我根本就可以摸索出故事发展的方向，尤其是男朋友的父亲将和自己的单身母亲结婚。这真的是太巧了啊！就只差没写他们俩是兄妹嘛。这是非常危险的，因为一旦读者已料到故事的发展，他们将对你的故事失去兴趣。而且，这整个故事只有一个高潮，显得太平淡了。

Story & Plotting: 7/15

故事情节的安排有待进步。每一场的结尾应该设计一个小小的高潮，让读者有兴趣读下去。

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

由于是剧本的关系，所以并不强烈要求语言的雕饰。以故事的流利度作为考量，算是挺不错的。不过，有些错字和语病。

Flow Of Story: 6/10

这真令人头疼啊。故事的情节发展有些太快了。例如说，语航和克淳的爱情发生得太快了。故事情节的发展速度令人感到有些不舒服，甚至会认为你是在赶。

Writing Style: 4/5

说真的，剧本的效果真的令我感到有些意外。短短的几个句子，也有出乎意料的效果－把画面形容的淋漓尽致，有如观看电影般。挺不错的。

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10

老实说，我不怎么喜欢这故事因为故事情节太老掉牙了。此外，每一个chapter也太短了，无法满足我的需要。应该再长一些。

Bonus marks: 2/5

期待更多更有趣的剧本。

Total mark: 52/100
 
Additional comments: 若你有疑问，请尽管提出。我会尽快恢复的。
 
Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
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No Escape

Title: No Escape
Author: Lixiangqingren
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/noescape/
Reviewed by: WZ (Joa)

>> Title = 8/10

The title sounds pretty good but I don’t find it very alluring. It gives a very familiar ring in my ears.

>> Cast = 3.5/5

Since you have used fictional characters, I can’t say anything about celebrity portrayal. However, the characteristics that you have made up can be judged. Since your story is an one shot, the only character development for the Princess is fear. The other guy…was disgusting. I loved this line though:

“she could almost hear his lips curve up into a smirk”

>> Foreword = 7/10

Please, PLEASE don’t put credits at the beginning of your forewords. You are urging your readers to follow that link first before your story. It’s brief (seeing as your story IS a one shot) but not that intriguing. Other than that…your forewords was very simple and clean.

>> Poster & Background = 8/10

The appearance of your story is actually a relief for me. It was easy to read and the poster was nice, save for the er…“scribbles” and the black splatters on the girl’s face.

>> Plot = 12/15

So she was a princess who would inherit the throne and he wanted to get rid of her to take the crown for himself. I see I see. Sorry, to unoriginal. Plus, there wasn’t much development. Just…chase, hope, crush, stab, death.

>> Originality & Creativity = 10 /15

I’ve seen far too many of this style among books I’ve read in different languages and backgrounds. I had hoped you’d be adding your own little twist to the tragedy when I read “the light was coming closer, she was almost there.”

>> Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

I didn’t catch major mistakes. Good job.

>> Overall enjoyment = 15/20

Not my favourite story. Sorry.

>> Reader Friendly = 3/5

Did you ever reply to those comments?

>> Bonus Marks
Link Back to Us: 0/3

Total: (I need a calculator) 74. 5 / 100