I Wish You Didn’t

Title: I Wish You Didn’t

Author: Jenny

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/xoxlilpunkxox/

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I don’t think your title would be interesting enough to attract my attention if I’m a reader scrolling down the Winglin website. This will pose as a big threat to your story because your story wouldn’t stand out enough from the others.
A more interesting title please. That’s all I could offer.

Poster&Background: 3/10

I have always encouraged authors to do their own posters because they are the ones who know the story best. Yes, I can see your efforts in doing your poster. I appreciate it. However, I have some little comments for you. Some of the pictures are out of place and the sizes of the pictures are wrong. And, you should use a smaller brush. Last of all, a better combination of colours could be used.
Try to go for more Photoshop tutorials online. I’m sure you will make a great designer too.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a professional designer so you might not agree with some of the comments I offer. Those comments are not meant to be disparaging, but just some honest opinions in my point of view.

Foreword: 4/10

This is really bad. The summary you have there reveals all. Now you have taken away what which has a great potential to create an air of suspense. You should have written the prologue in one of the protagonists’ one of view, perhaps, Horikita Maki, when she found out the horrifying fact that she has to live with four heartthrobs. Also, the character introduction seems quite useless. You should characterize those protagonists through your writing. “Show” not “tell”.

Cast Used: 3/5

Yes, I like them.
However, there is not much characterization done.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

There is not climax at all. You’re just telling a boring life story of them. You should pick on more important scenes to place emphasis on the creativity you could have used here. Anyway the storyline is similar to Hana Kimi, which I found it to be quite boring. Blending into a school as a normal student when the protagonist is a very popular artiste would have been interesting before Hana Kimi, but after it.
Let me just offer you some tips (I think they should be quite of helpful to you.)

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.

Story & Plotting: 8/15

Okay, you passed this because I can see the attempts you have made, trying to create a little suspense at the end of every chapter. Keep it up, for it is really important to leave your readers hanging. Only then, they will want to read more! However, more should be done. Remember, winglin is a fanfiction site which requires readers to update their stories. You must be able to sustain the interest in readers long enough, if not you will lose your readers.
And, shorter chapters please. You tend to get too naggy sometimes.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

Correct your mistakes please. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
And, you can improve on your descriptions. It would definitely be better if you could “show” instead of “telling” the story. A wider gamut of vocabulary would be helpful.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10

Sometimes I got quite irritated by the inconsistent flow of story. It could be really naggy at sometimes! Remember, remove the superfluous parts and focus on the important ones!

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I can see a consistent writing style throughout the story. However, it is not unique, which you call it yours. It requires more writing to develop one.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the first half of the story because I found the story to be cute and hilarious, especially scenes with Toma in it. However, for the later parts of the story, I lost my patience. It got naggy. In fact, I just skimmed through some of the chapters, without devouring every word carefully.

Bonus marks: 5/5

That’s for encouragement purpose. You deserve them because I believed you have worked hard for your story. However, you will need to work harder still.

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: Firstly, please accept my apologies for this really late review. I know I have taken a really long time to process. I’m sorry because I was very busy. Hope you can understand. Secondly, with regards with this piece review, I bet you would have quite a few questions for me. If there’s any enquiries, you may contact me via the site’ tagboard, or midnight-tree email if you would prefer that. I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Good luck and work hard for your sequel!

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
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