A Secret Deal Between God and Me

Title: A Secret Deal Between God and Me
Author: aggy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/algernoon/
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: This is not a part of the review but rather the reviewer’s warning. I must warn the author that I am a strict reviewer. I prefer pointing out specific parts of your story which I think can be improved or altered. Don’t expect a brief review. On the opposite, expect a lengthy one detailing everything which I think needs improvement.

Title: 7/10
~ The Title made me feel intrigued about your story. It was not that appealing but it could also not be simply ignored. I like the simplicity in the title and maybe that’s one of the things which caught my attention.

Poster and Background: n/a
~You can request from someone or a website to do it. There are a lot of people who are helpful enough to make one for you.

Forewords: 5/10
~I must warn you that I am not a fan of seriously distracting grammatical errors. As an author, it is not enough to apologize for your grammar mistakes. Apart from apologizing, you must be diligent enough to edit mistakes and always proof read your chapters before posting them up. That is your responsibility.

Example:
“…There is a girl, with a tomboyish style, a petite perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess face. To complete all the physical perfect-ness she had, she was also a very clever students as she was always be the first in her school. Not forget to mention, she also a kind- hearted girl…”

It should be like this:
“…There is a tomboyish girl, with a petite yet perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess-like face. To complete all the physical perfectness she had, she was also a very clever student as she was always the first in her school. Not to mention, she was also a kind- hearted girl…”

Another thing, your forewords kind of revealed the whole plot of the story which I think should not be the case because it will make your story predictable and the readers will not be interested enough. You could just have placed a preview of a random scene from your story which will attract the readers’ to read and find out for themselves how the event came to be.

Cast Used: 3/5
~ I am neither a fan nor a hater of the artists you used. But I do know them. I can fully imagine them doing the things you described in the story. I loved how you described Ella and I loved how she grew right in front of my eyes as I read through each chapter in your story.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
~Originality-wise, well, this isn’t exactly an original plot because I have read other stories in Winglin having the almost the same line of plot but I find you story refreshing and although a bit predictable, it was nice.

Another thing is, I loved how you made each character interact with each other in a way that they were all connected to each other. I loved the conflict between Selina and Jiro and how you made Ella and Wu Chun work to bring them together.

Story and Plotting: 8/15
~ As I’ve said, your plot is a bit cliché but it was refreshing to read. Something I have not felt after reading and reviewing two other fics this week. In a way, it was cute and well-thought. I love how you narrated their past, present and future in one chapter. That was certainly a break from all the usual fanfics I read around in Winglin.

Just one major flaw, I think your story was a bit rushed. I think you could have written more chapters about Ella and Wu Chun which could better show how their relationship grew despite Ella’s being an ‘angel’. I think a lot could have happened in two weeks but it was a bit short-lived in how you narrated your story. You could’ve added more twists in the story apart from the usual tricks which Ella and Wu Chun used. Hmmm… Example, Wu Chun could have called Jiro to one of the rooms inside the school or maybe to the rooftop and then, he could have done the same to Selina, telling her that one of her friends is calling for her to go to this certain place, and then, Wu Chun could have locked them up for a night. Not only could Selina and Jiro spend more time with each other through this, Wu Chun and Ella could do too because, of course, they’d have to watch if their plan worked or not. Of course, this is just a suggestion of mine. But since your story is finished, I don’t think you could insert this anymore.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
~ As I’ve said, I am not a fan of grammar mistakes. There were a lot of tense shifting in your chapters and for a person like me, I would have wanted to edit your mistakes as I read through your chapters, but then again, it is not my story so, I can’t do anything about it.

I suggest you ask help from a Beta-Reader or a Proof Reader. I’m sure there would be someone who would be willing to help you. I understand that you are Indonesian and you are not that fluent in English, but, still, I know you understand that in terms of your grammar, there is plenty of room for improvement.

Spelling-wise, there were minor typographical errors but they’re not that much of a problem. People make mistakes and it’s understandable.

Vocabulary-wise, you have a passable vocabulary in English but I think you don’t know which word would properly fit certain sentences. Anyhow, I’ve prepared specific examples in your story which I think you must change.

Example:
“…She was walking, with a blank expression on her face, obviously clear for every people that came across her that this girl was having her daydreaming while she was walking. Yes, Ella loves to dream. Her hobby is to fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like thinking in her head silently, drove her own mind far away from the real world and enjoying as much as she can what she can sees, hears, and feels…”

It should be like this:
“…She was walking with a blank expression on her face. It was kind of obvious for people who walked by her to notice that she was daydreaming. Yes, Ella loved to dream. Her hobby was fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like silently thinking as she drove her mind far away from the real world and enjoy as much as she can what she saw, heard, and felt…”

There were a lot of tense shifting on this one. Notice how I changed the ‘she can sees, hears and feels’ to ‘what she saw, heard and felt’? It’s because your sentence started out with a past tense, hence, you must finish it still using the past tense of the verb. Furthermore, you must always remember that if you’re narrating a story or retelling events which already happened, you must always use past tense. In this case, in your story, you were narrating it so you must always use past tense.

As for the Beta-Reader or the Proof-Reader I suggested you to ask help from. You can click on the link on the upper-left part of the Winglin Index Page labeled with the name ‘Fanfic Community Forum New’. It’s actually a forum so you have to register for an account if you wish to enjoy the full feature of the site. Next, after you click on the link, a new page will open. You have to go to the Author’s Corner board and look for the thread with ‘Beta-Reading’ as the title. From there, you can post a message asking for help for any members to volunteer themselves to be the Beta-Reader of your fanfic. However, for this certain fanfic of yours, I don’t think you will need a Beta-Reader because it’s already finished. Unless, of course, you plan to re-post it again and edit/change/add some more details and scenes to your story.

Flow of Story: 5/10
~ The pace of the story is a little too fast. Ella and Wu Chun’s relationship was not given much time to grow since you shortened their time together when they planned out bringing Jiro and Selina together. I think you could have added more romantic moments so that it will not become shallow. Furthermore, this could bring great joy to your readers.

Writing Style: 4/5
~ For most part, or for the first few chapters, there was nothing really special in your writing style since it’s the usual narration but after I read your chapter which narrated Ella and Wu Chun’s past, present and future, I think that really made an impact on me. At first, I was confused but when I read at the end that the woman and the man in the park was in fact Ella and Wu Chun, that’s where it all made sense. I especially loved that part. Kudos to that!

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
~ I highly enjoyed it! Er… Of course, apart from the grammar mistakes which made it sort of a pain for me to read. It was refreshing and nice but I think your grammar mistakes hindered me from fully-enjoying your fic.

Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You reply to your readers and you recognize your weakness as a writer, I think these are worth of merits. ^^

Total Mark: 57/90 or 67/100

Personal Remarks:
~ Keep on writing and don’t stop aiming for improvement. Always be open for new ideas and suggestions. Don’t treat criticism as insults, instead, use it to push yourself to improve in your craft as an author. Good luck. Jia You Agnes!

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Forbidden Fruit

Title: Forbidden Fruit
Author: xoloveraindownxo
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/forbiddenfruit

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I admit that I was tempted to check out your story when I first see the title! It sounds interesting! Keep it up!

However, your storyline seemed to be deviating from the main idea of forbidden fruit. From the chapters updated so far, I simply could not link the chapters with the main idea you’re supposed to convey. So, there goes your two marks, deducted from the original score of 8.

Poster & Background: 6/10
Personally, I strongly encourage authors to do their own posters and background. In your case, it isn’t exactly great and isn’t exactly bad either. Of course, I’m not professional in graphics so I believe graphic designers can offer better critics regarding your poster. However, from a reader’s point of view, from what I can see, what I can say is, the poster is still quite nice. I do like the inclusion of the fruit. It looks cute. The pictures of the casts, however, look out of place.

My suggestion is, learn more from online photoshop tutorials. Practice makes perfect. I’m sure you will make a great graphic designer. =]

Foreword: 7/10
Yes, I admit that I was tempted to click the ‘next’ button when I finished reading your foreword. However, I have to make another confession. I really had some trouble trying to get pass that long paragraph. It was long, draggy and naggy. A warning to you, this may a turn-off for most readers. Not only so, it also fails to build up suspense you are supposed to do through this short little foreword you have.

Some readers may just do what I did, practically skipping the whole paragraph but definitely not enjoying each and every word of your paragraph. So, long, naggy paragraphs is a big no-no. I would suggest that you re-organise your forewords.

Sample:
`___ The little girl runs to the bottom of the hill everyday with her friends. They run around the bottom of the hill chasing each other. This is all they do, this is all they know.

One day the little girl catches the glint of a fruitful tree at the top of the hill. Everytime she goes to play with her friends, the tree entices her. Her friends tell her don't touch it, and society teaches the same aspect.

But she climbs atop the hill when nobody is looking and snatches the fruit down. She takes a bite of it and is swept up into a world she had never been a part of before.
All because she was curious of the Forbidden Fruit.
This may not be the best sample I can offer, but it will enhance your readers’ interest as they read each paragraph.

Cast Used: 3/5
Wells, I guess this pairing is still passable. It is quite a refreshing couple to me because I have not read any fanfics on them before.

Originality & Creativity: 7.5/15
The idea of consuming a forbidden fruit and being brought to another world is really interesting. If you had written the story based on this idea, your story would have been a great one as far as I could imagine. I was anticipating a fantasy-like romance because of the forbidden fruit and I am definitely looking forward to reading it.

However, your story was a disappointment. It did not link to the main idea of forbidden fruit at all. As far as I could imagine and interpret, you’re probably trying to associate racial discrimination with the idea of forbidden fruit. You’re probably trying to tell me that the forbidden fruit has brought her to another world, the fair-skinned people. Is that so? This still puzzled me. Perhaps, due to the incomplete story, you have not managed to make that link yet, thus everything is unexplained. For the benefit of doubt, I will not penalise you heavily.

However, I do like the inclusion of racial discrimination because it is a problem in American countries that is very real. This idea is mature.
In conclusion, from the chapters I have read so far, not much of creativity is shown. More climaxes should be included. Also, do take note of some superfluous parts of the story that may bore the readers.

Story & Plotting: 7.5/15
The organization and flow of ideas is fair.
Then, as I have mentioned earlier, you did not manage to build up suspense through each chapter till the end. This problem lies in the plotting of the story. It would definitely be better if you could include a small climax to keep the readers in suspense at the end of each chapter.

After reading your story, I spotted one major problem. You tend to write long paragraphs. It’s not just one or two chapters, but almost every one of them. Like what I have said before, long paragraphs are usually turnoffs for readers. Readers may just skip the important details in the paragraphs without knowing! That’s why it posed as a bid problem! However, towards the end, there seemed to be some improvement in the last few chapters because I have noticed the absence of long paragraphs. Yes, keep it up.

I have quoted an example from your story. Now, you can see how long your paragraph is.

“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be seperated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage. Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place. She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection. Kitanya felt alone, secluded. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that was her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box. A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying. Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy. Sneakers said who you were. Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that were mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.”

It would be better if you reorganize.

Sample:
“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be separated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage.”
“Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place.

She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection.

Kitanya felt alone, secluded.

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that were her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box.

A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying.

Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy.

Sneakers said who you were.

Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that was mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.

Remember, clear organization of ideas would make your story more attractive.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
There are quite a few spelling mistakes here and there. Do take note of that.
As for grammar, it is quite a major problem that cannot be overlooked. Just remember to check each chapter before posting it up.
There is quite a range of vocabulary words. Keep it up.

Flow Of Story: 7.5/10
The flow of ideas is smooth. However, the pace of story may be too slow sometimes due to the inclusion of superfluous parts. Please take note of that.

Writing Style: 2/5
No distinctive writing style spotted here. This is probably due to the fact that you’re a new writer here. It takes experiences to develop your own unique and distinctive writing style.

Overall Enjoyment: 5.5/10
I did not really enjoy this story because of the profanity used. Yes, you did warn the readers beforehand in the forewords, and I could have avoided it but I can’t because I have to review your story. I’m sorry, but too much profanity used had caused discomfort and I find it hard to enjoy myself here. However, I did like the mature reflection of racial discrimination in American society, in this real world.

Bonus marks: 3/5
1 mark for replying your readers when necessary.
2 marks for a good attempt to write a story,

Total mark: 62/100

Additional comments:
Hi there, thank you for requesting a review from Midnight Tree. After reading the request form, I have decided to reply to your comments. Yes, I can understand that this is your first story on Winglin. Good attempt! It was still quite a nice story despite the profanity used. But I have a gentle reminder for you. Please do not say “I’d just like an honest review so that I may know how I’m doing.” I’m sure all reviewers would give their honest opinions. It seemed as though you’re questioning the reviewer’s professionalism. This may sound rude and you might offend some reviewers unintentionally. So, please be reminded not to say that again in future. Kindly say “Please guide me along. Thank you.”

And yes, I have given you my very honest review. Hope this is help you in some way or another.

Good luck and all the best! =)

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr-
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Monkey In The Middle

Title: Monkey in the Middle
Author: hellome
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/hellome0/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10.
I felt it was a pretty successful title as firstly, it was fresh and secondly it got me scratching my head. So what was it about? And yes, it was definitely a cute title to go with a comedy.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s upon 5. Artistically wise I had no problems with the poster and I felt the little monkey pretty cute. My only grievance would be that, the poster didn’t look as comedy/light hearted as I would have liked it to be. But anyhows, at least it was pleasing enough to the eye and that was good enough.

Forewords: 7/10
Let’s start with the pluses of your forewords. I liked the quotes you had picked for your characters and it showed that you had planned the story pretty well. The little preview was just funny. I found myself smiling at how Winston dealt with grasshoppers. And although you gave some hints to what the story was going to be like, you didn’t let out the whole story, keeping me and your readers in suspense.

I had a problem, however, with the presentation of your casts. The listing bit put me off a little and I felt it could have been better if you were to weave the personalities of the characters alongside your preview or something instead of leaving it as a list like you did.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
Well, I guessed your characters felt a little one sided. BUT, I did you expanded the one sidedness well enough with adequate examples showing Nic’s mischief. Kudos to how you characterized Winston as well. You did enough to qualify for a good story but I felt more could still be done because while your characters stand out, they did not jump at me and since you were writing a comedy, you could have exaggerated more parts of your characters.

Originality & Creativity: 11.5/15
I think this was the highest I had ever gave to a fic in terms of creativity. First, you decided to away with the cliché love story (YIPPIE) and second, you featured a monkey. Some of the incidents that you had included were fresh as well. Like how Charlene had to had the monkey stuffed under her shirt.

I liked how you ended the story with “Let's start over.” Which did away with the boring-o-happy ending.

My grievances come from the final incident at the jewelers. Somehow the whole Charlene got captured and Nic rushed the rescue thing with the Winston coming in at the nick of time was a little cheesy for a final incident. Though so, I must say, Winston going into the jeweler’s for a golden banana cracked me up.

Story & Plotting: 9/15
I liked how the story’s a build up of small little incidents between the leads and the monkey and it made reading rather easy. But I felt that while the ending itself was pretty creative and interesting by itself, the buildup to the end was a little unsatisfactory. Well, perhaps it was just me, but I felt the comic relief which had made my reading enjoyable till chapter 4 lost towards the climax. And it began to felt a little bland at the whole jeweler scene. It was not really funny, but neither was it exciting. I felt that it could be better if you could work on making the climax the epitome of the humour? Just a suggestion though.

Another problem I had was the overall feel of the story. Like I said at the beginning, small incidents made the story easy to read, but when the whole completed story surrounded only a few incidents, it felt a little wanting on my side. A story always had a beginning, a build up, a climax and a resolution right, but your story seemed to have a good start, an okay build up and a not-very-good climax and a good resolution. Perhaps you could work on it.

P.S: It could be because all you did was to edit the chapters that you had already posted and you couldn’t remember what you had in mind when you first posted the story in 2006. A little tip though, keep a notebook of your plans for your stories. It would be good for backtracking.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I thought I spotted a few negligible mistakes in your language, otherwise it was almost perfect. Vocabulary wise, I must say that you did well in your usage of them to either evoke emotions (mostly laughter) or paint a picture of the scene in my head.

Flow Of Story: 7.5/10
I didn’t have trouble following your story in general. Your changes of scene were pretty smooth. I liked how you worked the 3rd person perspective to your advantage but actually bringing the readers to different scenes to witness the events instead of narrating it from the lead’s point of view. I felt that you had also successfully integrated the past, present and future well in the beginning of the story where instead of a long boring introduction, you managed to bring me/the readers right to the scene of action without compromising on some of the facts.

However like I had mentioned, towards the end, your story began to flow like a very linear one with nothing spectacular which was why it dropped to a 7.5.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
I must say that I enjoyed how you went about writing your story. It was comical, definitely, but I felt that you wrapped the comic relief with a certain style of your own. There was something that spelt distinctively you. But I had one problem, which was this : “*Nicholas' Bedroom*”

I felt that you could have weaved the change of scene in a better way. At least use a sentence? Because by using asterisk to denotate the change of scene felt a little amateurish.
.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
You could have gotten a 8. But I was a little unhappy about the last bit, the climax bit at the jewelers, so you got marked down for it. But in general, you fic was funny, light hearted and a good read.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For sending in a completed fic I guess. It made my marking easier =) And another bonus for the monkey.

Total mark: 71/95 (75/100)

Additional comments:
Definitely a good attempt! Fresh ideas and good language. I guessed I liked it overall. But well, work on the climax. That was, I daresay, the only pitfall in the story.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Celebrity vs Paparazzi

Title: Celebrity vs Paparazzi
Author: teriyaki18
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tekay/
Reviewed By: v

Title: 8/10
The title seemed interesting, at least, enough for me to look forward to your chapters. The title gave me a clue on what I would be in for, probably an exciting journey with the secretive paparazzi.

Poster & Background: 8/10
I liked the choice of dark background colour. Since the title seemed to depict the sneaky paparazzi (trying to ‘dig’ information from the celebrity). Along with the bright colours in the middle portion of the poster, it made the main characters lively.

Foreword: 6/10
I have to admit, I didn’t read the previous story & thought that I may not be able to get the full picture of the story since I probably would have missed out quite a lot of little details from your previous story. But thankfully, I didn't (:

The forewords gave a little introduction to the characters involved in the story.

Cast Used: 4/5
Seriously, like what I’d told the other authors (whose stories I had previously reviewed), I’m not really familiar with the K-Pop. Hence, I’ll rate this section by the personality and characteristics you’ve injected into the characters (which to me, would be just names – if without a personality).

I liked the way their personalities were revealed slowly, through their conversations and actions; AJ’s strong character, venting her stress through physical methods, and Yunho’s gradual change.

Well done!

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
I’ve yet to really read fan fictions like yours, and I’m sure many of your readers would agree with me. You deserved the high rating, totally.

Especially the part on Nana.

Story & Plotting: 12/15
I thought it was not bad. The basketball match, unlike what I had expected, they lost. (Well you can’t blame me; all typical love stories have smooth sailing plots.) & I like the unexpected scenes.

The part on Nana was still the best – Yes, I’m not over Nana yet!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I must say, you have a strong language there.
Little common errors are inevitable. Oh wells, nobody’s perfect.

But you did great!

Flow Of Story: 8/10
Perfect. It wasn’t too fast, neither was it that slow.

Writing Style: 4/5
For the witty thoughts AJ had, and the way you had your characters’ emotions revealed in short, simple, yet “impact-ful” and influential sentences.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10
I guess there isn’t much of a need to explain further.
I lost count of the number of times I said “I liked…”

Bonus marks: 3/5
For replying to comments and actually dedicating the last chapter to them to thank them for reading.

Total mark: 83/100

Additional comments:
I’ve finished reading a couple of days ago, but I was rushing through my report assignment. Sorry for the late review. I’ll hope to hear from you again through story reviews. And good luck with your remaining and future fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Friends to Lovers OR Lovers to Friends

Title: Friends to Lovers OR Lovers to Friends
Author: Meng Rui Fan
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/strawberry14jam
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: First and foremost, the author has to be aware that I am a strict and a very specific reviewer. I will point out everything which I think can be improved/altered. I don’t know the author nor does he/she know me so I do not favor nor abhor her. So certainty can be guaranteed that this review is impartial and unbiased, and is solely based on the fanfic submitted to be reviewed.

Title: 4/10
~It’s not at all fresh. It did not spark any hint of interest in me the moment I read it. It’s a typical title and it already revealed a lot about the story such as the ‘friends-fall-in-love’ plot which I did not hesitate to predict and eventually proved that I was right as I read through your story. Also, it is too long, hence, boring and uninteresting. It’s not at all catchy. Simply put, it didn’t interest me at all. The points given were for the effort and the fact that it somehow has a connection to your story.

Poster and Background: n/a
~Maybe you could request for someone to do it?

Forewords: 4/10
~Direct to the point description of all the characters. Not that creative and inviting. I wish you added in a preview which would spark the interest and curiosity of your readers to take some time to read your story. And I don’t like how you named the school as C.U.T.E Institute. I won’t kill you for a lame school name but points will definitely be taken off. Can’t you think of something else to name a school with?

Cast Used: 2/5
~ I know S.H.E. & Fei Lun Hai (Fahrenheit). I am not really a fan of them or a hater but I do know them. I can perfectly imagine them acting out the scenes. I just don’t like how you always make them stick out their tongue on purpose to make them look cute. I think it’s a bit immature.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
~ Cliché. Plain and simple cliché. Friends fall in love. Group of girls and group of guys hang around each other, have some problems here and there but in the end, fall in love with each other. It’s not exactly an original plot, you know. Even the school setting is cliché and Calvin’s problem with the arranged marriage is another certain cliché.
Another thing, I didn’t like how you placed “…They were in the second floor of their school`s 'whatever-building-that-is'…” Guess what, honey? You don’t have to think deeply to come up with something to name a building. How about Faculty Building? Administration Building? Honestly, don’t give me these nonsense. I don’t like reviewing works of authors who do their work without even planning out something. Besides, it’s just a name of a school building! Is it that hard to think of one? Puhleease.

Story and Plotting: 5/10
~ Apart from the fact that your story is cliché and you just started out writing your chapters, this is not exactly an original plot. This is pure honesty that coming at you straight from me. Your story bore me. I’ve read the same thing over and over again. Can’t you write a story with a different line of plot? The points were given for effort and for the fact that this is your first fic. I’m not that cruel, you know.
Also, please don’t post up nonsense chapters which are made up of a bunch of paragraphs and scenes thrown together in a page and then was simply declared a chapter. Write something sensible please. And plan out the events on your fic first before writing in order not to create something obviously unthought-of.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
~ You have a passable command of the English language with a few slips here and there which aren’t really obvious. I wish you’d use more descriptive sentences with each paragraph and not simply one-liners which make your chapters look boring. Honestly, I am not a fan of one-liners.

Flow of Story: 3/10
~ Judging from the four chapters you’ve already posted. The story flow is predictable. It’s not at all interesting. The three points were for effort.

Writing Style: 1/5
~ I am not a fan of one-liners. In fact, I hate them. They make the chapter look empty and the description for some scenes were lacking. I don’t even like how you included Ella tapping the table just to get Chun’s attention and ended up getting the whole class’ attention. It was simply nonsense. Can’t you think of anything more decent to write? Puhleease.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10
~ To put it bluntly, I did not enjoy. It was so predictable and the whole thing was so unthought-of that I had to read your story thoroughly for the sake of reviewing.

Bonus marks: 3/5
~ You reply to your readers. Points for that.

Total Points: 37/90 or 47/100

Personal Remark:
~ I don’t mean to degrade you in any way. I know that this is your first fic here in Winglin and I’m sorry if I disappointed you with such a low score. One thing I can assure you of is that I don’t sugarcoat. Please think of better twists to put in your story. And if you’re disappointed with your score in my review, you can always review from other sites to console yourself. I’m sure they’ll give you a better score.

reviewed by shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Can I Call This, Love?

Title: Can I Call This, Love?
Author: Mist
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mintymints/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 5/10
I suppose the title does draw in the readers to some extent, but unfortunately, it doesn’t quite do enough. I’m afraid that your title appears to be rather average to me, and that deserved a 6, but the reason why you didn’t obtain a 6 is simply because your title didn’t carry out the most basic and primitive function of a title – telling the reader what it is about.

In a way, it reminds me of some sort of arthouse movie. It’s concise, but it’s overly concise to the point that it’s almost abstract. Unfortunately, yours isn’t an arthouse fic, so keep the title more accessible.

Poster and Background: 3/10
I really can’t give you anything higher than that. I’m not an artist, and I can barely use any of those poster making programs out there, but the thing is the poster honestly looks like a product of my Home Economics coursework – stitched together in a self-assumed orderly fashion. The key here is really self-assumed, because it really doesn’t appeal.

Black font colour, white background with a terrible, imposed picture there.

Let me ask: what were you thinking?

Foreword: 7/10
I love the foreword. It draws the reader in to read immediately, and you get short glimpses into their personalities and what is to come. I thought you did a great job by putting in the first few couple of lines, and that really worked out for me.

BUT.

Please refrain from direct, outright introductions. You’re not doing a character profile, you’re doing a foreword for a story, and the main purpose of that is simply to introduce and to draw readers in.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
I realise that it is very difficult to put forth someone’s personality on paper without sounding like the person is dummified or overly explicit. Yes, characterisation is a fine line to tread, and particularly in your case, where you’re exploring a relationship that is so bordering on cliché. You’re treading two fine lines here, and in both cases, you managed to pull it off, but only just.

Firstly, once again I must say that your initial introduction to characters was entirely and absolutely uncalled for. While those characters of yours seemed real throughout the length of your story, they tended to get a little too forced at some parts of the story. Here’s a trick, imagine them to be your friends, and you’d tend more to eliminate the clichéd qualities in your characters. =)

Secondly, your storyline is a little simple, so your characters have got to be a little larger than life. Make them loud, believable, intelligent. Make them stand out. Sometimes it’s not really the storyline, it’s the characters that make the story interesting.

Story and Plotting: 9/15
Nothing much to say here, except that it’s a really simple tale with so many elements of clichéd within it.

My one major gripe – it’s a simple story, only that it’s been pulled too long.

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Nearly perfect language, only be careful to avoid certain strange phrasing. And on top of that, some of your paragraphs can be shorter. Long paragraphs just can’t convey information as well as short, distinct paragraphs with a flavour. Remember that this is story writing, not an expository essay, so keep them short, sweet and explosive.

Apart from that, I applaud your use of language.

Flow of Story: 2/10
The story flows well, but two main things to say that warrants your mark. Firstly, your story flows too well! I must admit that because you couldn’t miss out on some of the teeny details, you tended to throw everything in, and because of that, I skipped many of the paragraphs in the middle just so that I could review this effectively and efficiently.

Secondly, and more importantly, I think your story was just not punctuated enough with excerpts that would draw reader interest, and focussed too much on thoughts and feelings, resulting in a piece that really moved too s…l…o…w…l…y…

Writing Style: 1/5
This was really vastly lacking in your own flavour. I was disappointed upon reading this, because it seemed like it came from somewhere. Bits and pieces of writing from bits and pieces of places. It was everywhere.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I didn’t quite feel the originality in this piece, because it was such a simple storyline. Simple storylines tread on cliché and excellent, and yours didn’t quite make the cut here. Focussing on thoughts and emotions was the way to go, but unfortunately, you put overemphasis on those parts, resulting in a very mundane storyline that didn’t really go down well with me.

On top of that, I swear I could see things from different places floating around. Or maybe it’s just because I’m sensitive.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I’m just giving this mark because you tried, but other than that, I have to end with a boring one liner:

It was monotonous.

The purpose of a fic is to entertain, and really, sadly, I could really see that in yours.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying to readers. =)

Total mark: 52.5/100

Additional Comments: Hey there! I understand you might be disappointed by your marl, but I did promise an honest review. Well, I can say that you really put in the effort here, but you should try channelling that effort into a myriad of other sources so as to jazz up your review a bit! Other than that, keep going, and maybe I’ll see you around someday again. =)
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

AIn't NO CINDERELLA BOY

Title: AIn't NO CINDERELLA BOY

Author: shardaunei

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/shardaunei_4/

Reviewed By: v

-

Title: 6/10
I know there's a meaning to why the n't was in lower case. But the title is not captivating enough to really trigger my interest. From the title, I can roughly figure how the story would be like, and fair enough the story and the title link.

Poster&Background: 5/10
I feel that the girl in the poster was kind of out of place, and the guy on the right should be placed somewhere on top since the picture has his head a little cut off. The background colour does not match the poster at all even though the font colour does.

Forewords: 7/10
I have to admit, I'm not familiar with J-Pop celebrities. But thankfully for the introduction in the forewords, I could refer to them as and when I accidentally forget their names or something. The forewords gives information on the story plot and the casts.

Cast Used: 3/5
Like I have mentioned, I am not familiar with the casts, so I am going to rate you by the personality you've injected into the casts you have chosen for your fan fiction. There really isn't much personality in the main characters. Yes, the stepfather of Yamapi and the evil stepbrother was very well portrayed. However, I feel that Masami's "want" and determination to meet Yamapi is missing, so is the resentment and helplessness Yamapi would have felt.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15
Well, adapted from Cinderella, it's hard to be rated high, especially when the storyline is almost the same except for the (very unrealistic) fairy godmother and the motive for the "Cinderella" to meet his Mayor's daughter.

Story&Plotting: 8/15
8 for the exceptions I had mentioned, differing this story from a typical Cinderella story, the part on Kenji's deliberate successful attempt to kill Yamapi's mother, and also, the involvement of Yamapi's "supporters" - the maid, the cook and his cousin.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I do notice a few mistakes here and there, grammatically. But it's only human to err (:

Flow Of Story: 8/10
No sudden fast-forward in time, or delays. I feel that the story flows pretty well.

Writing Style: 3/5
Well, I'm not really sure if you have a specific writing style. But I think separating your paragraphs by leaving a line will make your story much neater. In some chapters, you left a line in between certain paragraphs but in most, you did not. I think, by keeping to a guideline (or a couple of them) you have set for yourself will bring out your writing style. And I am sure with a personalized writing style, readers will take notice of it.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
I have to say, I did not really enjoy the story.
And it is not because the story is similar to that of Cinderella's. But because you lacked the details. Just a suggestion from me: maybe you can let Yamapi reminisce the past when his mother was still alive, describe his emotions as he recalls her, portraying how much he misses the past. Perhaps that will allow readers to feel how Yamapi felt when his cousin hands him the bangle belonging to his parents.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For taking time to reply to your readers' comments.

Total mark: 63/100


Additional comments:
Hey! Sorry for the little delay (as compared to my previous reviews, yours in considered fast already! HAHA!). School work, assignments and projects, you know the typical life of a student ): Anyways, all the best in your future fan fictions. & the two you have not completed (you mentioned that in your forewords.)!!


Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Pajama’s Romance

Title: Pajama’s Romance
Author: SeventhStar
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ferrari_saemono/
Reviewed by: Shattered Teardrops

~Okay, before anything else, this particular introduction is not part of the review. I would like to warn the author, if you have read my personal page in MT, I have stressed out that I am a very specific reviewer. I will correct every flaw which I think is worth editing/changing. Don’t expect a brief review. On the contrary, expect a direct and very specific review detailing the points in the fanfic which I think can be improved, and other suggestions and recommendations on how to improve them.
I do not know the author and neither does she know me, that is why I do not favor nor abhor her and that, itself is proof enough of the degree of impartiality in terms of giving the review.
Now, with all those clarifications said and done, let us proceed to the review.

Title: 5/10
~ I found it amusing, intriguing and also weird. Why? Well, amusing because the title is unique. Uniqueness means it’s fresh, unlike some overly-used titles we often see on the page of Winglin. I gave out merits for that. Secondly, intriguing because well, it intrigues the reader as to how the title of the story came to be. How can Pajamas have romance? So, again, points for that. Lastly, it’s weird. Why? Because the first time I read the title, it made me ask questions like ‘Who/What is pajama to have romance?’ and ‘Are you referring to a person nicknamed Pajama or do you really mean the literal Pajama?’ It’s a bit confusing really but it’s not that bad per se.

Anyway, when I read the first four chapters on your story, I tried looking for any conclusive link to the story and the title, so far I found none. Well, since your story is not yet finished, I assume you will place the connection of the story and title on the future chapters.


Poster&Background: 3/10
~POSTER - Now, I don’t want to sound cruel here but there is a major difference between a picture with a simple quote placed on it and a poster. I loved the warm scene portrayed on the picture, in fact I liked the picture, but I feel that it is lacking. It was too simple and non-descript. Aside from the quote you placed on the picture and the fact that it was a picture of Ella and Wu Chun, it doesn’t have any whatsoever connection relating to your story. How about if you request someone to do a poster for you using the picture and perhaps adding more quotes to the poster. I’ve read your four chapters thoroughly and I must say, you can put a wide variety of quotes on the poster for it to better describe the theme of your story.
~BACKGROUND – n/a – You could also request for a background image from the person/website to whom/which you requested your poster. I’m sure there are a lot of graphics sites willing to lend you a helping hand.


Forewords: 4/10
~ Your forewords were interesting. I love the simplicity in the words. I gave out merits for that. BUT I may have to tell you that I am not a fan of grammatical errors. I know that you (Kartika) are also aware of your grammar mistakes in your story. I shall let it pass because it is your first fanfic and every author starts out somewhere. I am also aware that you are Indonesian and I assume that English is not your first language. See? I did read your fic thoroughly. I even paid attention to your author’s notes and I even took time to read your comment board and your interaction with your readers.

What solution do I suggest for this problem in your fic? Well, it’s simple. Kartika… er, I hope you don’t mind if I call you by first name though we’re not that close. Anyway, back to the topic, the solution is simple. It’s called a Beta Reader.
Well, since you’re a newbie to writing fanfics, I’ll explain what a Beta Reader is, okay? A Beta Reader is a person who is fluent or shall I say, a person who has sufficient knowledge in the grammatical rules of the language you use in writing your story. Basically, you, the author, will write up a new chapter for your fic but will NOT post it up on Winglin YET. Instead, you email it to your Beta-Reader and then the Beta Reader will edit it and may also post it for you on Winglin depending on your agreement. If you would like, you could also have the Beta-Reader email back the edited version of your chapter to you and then you can go personally post it up on Winglin. So, it’s actually more like you are having someone help you fix your grammatical errors.

Now, where can you find Beta Readers? Well, for a start, you may click the button on the upper left page of Winglin’s index page, the one which says ‘Fanfic Community Forum News’. It’s a forum so you have to register as a member first before you get to access the whole feature of the site. Then, you go to the Author’s Corner board and search for the topic which says ‘Beta-Reading. You may start a topic there asking for someone’s help to proof-read your story and correct its grammatical errors. You may also learn to write correct grammar from the Beta Reader by asking questions and by reading the edited version of your chapter. Through this, you are also helping yourself improve.


Cast Used: 3/5
~ I think you did a great job on choosing Wu Chun and Ella. Not that I’m a fan or a hater of this pairing, or anything like that. It’s just that I can fully imagine them doing the scenes in your story and I think their roles fit them quite well. Kudos to that!


Originality & Creativity: 9/15
~ I must say, most stories on Winglin have a romantic theme and your story is no different from them. BUT, most stories on Winglin are more focused on how the two main leads came to be, not what happens after they came to be with each other. Now that’s makes your story apart from the rest. Your plot is not entirely original because there are a lot of stories with the same plot but I must say it’s unique and refreshing to read. Again, points for that.


Story & Plotting: 9/15
~I think your story is a combination of funny, inspiring, thought-provoking and one that is full of lessons. These are all positive remarks and I really mean each of them. Your plot is quite normal with the usual jealousy problems here and there but what set it apart from other stories is how your main leads chronologically retell the events that happened to them and how the problem was solved. Don’t get me wrong, this plot is quite good despite being a little overused. Improvements can be done here though. I just hope you don’t run out of problems and solutions to write about. May I make a suggestion? Hmm… Since you’re written about jealousy, how about if you write a chapter narrating about the possibility of them having a child? Now, that would indeed be a real problem, right? Because both of them are still studying. Of course, this is only my suggestion. Whether you allow Ella to be pregnant or simply hallucinating to be pregnant is ultimately up to you for it is your story. I just want to give you insights and recommendations. ^^


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
~ I would have to give you a low mark in this category. To be honest, your grammar is very poor, but I don’t take that against you as an insult. In fact, I would like this review to challenge you to improve. To specifically point out your mistakes, there were a lot of missing words, a horrendous case of tense-shifting and typographical errors. When I say tense-shifting, I mean you use present tense on one of your paragraphs and a past tense on the next sentence. Take note that if you’re writing in a narrative form or when a person narrates an event which already happened, always use past tense. And make sure that if you started writing using past tense, please write in past tense up until the end of your chapter to make your story accurate and concise.

*Example: (a random paragraph from chapter three in Ella’s point of view)

“…Finally we came to my home. I feel really awkward at the beginning when I see my “the one used to be I called as home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. The feeling and everything is changing. I can see some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it feels really different when I came there as a guest and not as an “owner” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hug me tightly just like I’ve been disappeared for forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like forever not meet her…”

*It should be written like this:

“…Finally we came to my old home. I felt really awkward at the beginning when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. There were a lot of changes. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “owners” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly just like I’ve disappeared for like forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like it has been forever since I met her…”

*Now, if I were to re-write the whole paragraph with the revisions I like, I would have liked it to turn out like this:

“…Finally we reached my parents’ house. At first, I felt really awkward when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parents’ (plural because there are two parents, the Mom and the Dad) home because I already have a place that I called home. When I came, I felt like everything changed. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “residents” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly like I’ve disappeared for so long. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like I have not met her for an eternity…”

These mistakes repeatedly appear in the first four chapters that it’s annoying. The spelling of ‘rite’ as in correct is ‘right’, not ‘rite’ as in like ‘rite of passage’. Please do make the necessary corrections. I don’t mean to degrade you, I’m just stating what I’ve read in your story. You have a basic knowledge of words in English. It’s just that you don’t know how to arrange those words in such a way that it would be grammatically correct. I do highly recommend a Beta-Reader or maybe you could ask help from a close friend who is good at English Grammar Writing to help you edit your chapters.


Flow of Story: 6/10
~ The flow of the story is quite well-paced. Nothing is boring and nothing is too fast. Each chapter is worth reading, minus the grammar problems, of course. I’ve read in your comments page that some of your readers complain about having cliffhangers at the end of each chapter. Honey, do not be afraid to use cliffhangers. They’re quite useful once in a while. They keep your readers craving for more and they add a sense of suspense to your story. I’m a writer too. I should know. But I’m a reader too. And I hate cliffhangers. Haha Quite contradicting statements huh? ^^


Writing Style: 3/5
~I absolutely love it. I love how you wrote each chapter as if your lead characters were confiding to their friends about their day-to-day affairs in their newly married status. It also creates an aura of interaction between the lead characters and the readers, making the readers feel involved in the actual life of your characters. However, I must take out points for grammar mistakes…


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
~ I did really enjoy it. Too bad it’s only four chapters plus the annoying grammar mistakes which make it hard for me to read the whole story thoroughly…


Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You interact with your readers. You accept their suggestions and you are willing to accept constructive criticisms from them. I think these are worthy of acknowledgement.


Total Mark: 54/100
Personal Remark:
~ I know it’s not exactly what you expected, right? It’s a bit low… I know that too, but you have to understand that your main flaw is grammar and for an author who is using English as her medium for writing, grammar is very, very important. I hope I did not make you sad or anything. Feel free to leave me a message if you have any questions, complaints or clarifications, okay? ^^


Reviewed by Shattered Teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Paper Cranes

Title: Paper Cranes MT-Challenge : Completed
Author: Sushi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/P_C/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
MT challenge fic title. No comment =)

Poster & Background : 7/10
Well I can see work done in the poster but it didn’t seem of the right mood and I didn’t like the overall feel of it. Nice quote on the poster though.

But I liked your background a lot. Not only was the colour pleasing to my eye without obstructing my reading, I think it suited the mood of the story perfectly (and shows how out of place your poster was)

Forewords: 9/10
I was this close to giving you full marks until I decided I was a tad bias =) Definitely beautifully written, I was drawn to your writing. (Side note: OBVIOUSLY you write well, you are a MT reviewer! Okay, that wasn’t me). It did an amazing job making me wonder who really was Jung Hoon and Charlene and how come the love was “forbidden”

Cast Used: 3.5/5
I think by pairing up Jung Hoon and Charlene together was already fresh enough. You got me wondering how the story would turn out.

Well although the characterization was good enough as it is, I felt more could still be done. You could have included those little details about what Jung Hoon like, how he was like especially since Charlene was so in love with him, she would take note of the tiniest detail right? And it would also be great if you could do more to explore Charlene as well. She sounded nothing more than a love sick girl sometimes (not saying it’s a bad thing)

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
Well, I guessed it was fresh enough for you to explore the whole issue of forbidden love in terms of teacher-student relationships taken in the middle of war although I did doubted the reality element in your story because I thought you got some of the historical facts wrong (coughs. History student speaking) but since you didn’t specifically state the year in the story, it could be me making the mistakes =)

As a whole, your story is considerably fresh based on Winglin standards but I have read a handful of stories based on wartime separations and all and so it killed a little of my interest. Also, I felt that there were bits that felt cliché. Especially towards the middle of the story with all the sweet things that Jung Hoon did. It was heart warming and all, but looking beneath it, it was pretty cliché.

Story & Plotting: 11/15
I must say I had no complains about the way the story was plotted. It was fantastic. Perhaps during the middle of the story the pace might have gotten a little missing but still good nonetheless. I especially enjoyed your forewords because it was intriguing. Chapter 1 was good enough for the introduction of characters. I liked how you ended the story with simply the hazel brown eyes looking longing at her. It was obviously Jung Hoon and you managed to bring that across without putting up a banner saying “JUNG HOON RETURNED SAFELY”. I thought that was amazing and the way you ended the story left me gasping. All I could say was, wow. It captured my heart.

And like I stated at beginning of this section, half way through I felt the intensity began to slip away and some things became a little cliché. Somehow the story became a little too fantastical. But you managed to still bring across the ideas well enough.

On a personal note, I would have preferred the story to be more intense.

P.S: I can’t take my mind off the scene where Jung Hoon first kissed Charlene

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Splendid English! You had no problems with grammar and a relatively good command of vocabulary. I particularly enjoyed how you managed to grip the readers with a few words and how you managed to weave in descriptions within dialogues and events.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Full credits goes to you for such nice flow and how you managed to rotate between past and present pretty smoothly. It was pretty obvious when was when and I liked it. I could also see how each chapter had a striking theme and it was just wow.

My only critique would be that perhaps the story was moving a little too fast. The one year didn’t seem like one year when I read (it could be because the story’s pretty short), my suggestion would be to actually include incidents in the middle that would first, show how Charlene’s love for Jung Hoon was and to basically act as a bridge so that the 1-2 year was more believable.

Writing Style: 3/5
I would have actually preferred if you had made the story more intense. But then again it was personal. I felt that I could see you through the fic and especially through the words that you used and the way you chose to convey some of the emotions in the fic. And the most important was I could set the story apart from many other fics in the main index.

Well, if you asked me a suggestion it would be that, you need to have flavour of your own. Your style is good, it’s like a good perfume. Now could you make you own unique scent that smelt uniquely you? Like a brandname?

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I enjoyed the fic. I adored your ending and beginning. In general, it was a pleasant journey and heart wrenching at times. And I guessed I summed my major personal grievance against this fic and it was that, it wasn’t intense enough. But it’s personal, because some people may just prefer something more light that deep.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For rushing the fic out before the deadline. For a completed fic.

Total mark: 68.5/90 (76/100)

Additional comments:
Good fic. I think you picked the wrong reviewer because I tend to be slightly stricter when it comes to emotional fics because I read too much of them. But nonetheless, well done. I really liked it. Congrats on the award by the way =)

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Rewind

Title: Rewind
Author: bhebie9
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/rewind/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10
I like the title. It stands out to me. It has a high possibility of me clicking on it on a winglin main page.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s /5.

Poster is okay but nothing spectacular. But I like the quote on the poster though- “To know more about your enemy you need to rely on the simplest memory”.


Forewords: 7/10
I liked your forewords as a whole. You managed to weave a pretty good introduction of the setting and characters in a short paragraph. Good job. What I felt was lacking rather was the use of a tagline, a one liner or poem that would anchor the whole story. Also, you could have ended the forewords a cliffhanger that would really capture the readers. But in any case, I think your forewords are more than satisfactory already.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
As I am not very familiar with the cast used, this section will solely focus on the characterizations.

Well I saw the attempt in building up the character especially of “I” who was JiYoung. The story didn’t start being very clear cut about JiYoung character but as I read on, the man just slowly began to take shape. Slowly, I began to relate to JiYoung and understood him as a whole. Well done. SeungHyun on the other hand was like a mystery beginning to unfold.

The other characters had been slightly introduced in the forewords and I felt more could be done still. Just a suggestion, what you could have done was to make these characters distinct. Like one with a scar, with a funny accent or something. Don’t get me wrong, you did try to do characterizations, but they weren’t good enough. The characters don’t jump at me.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I liked how you rotated between the past and present, using it to weave the whole story. Too bad it’s not the first time I saw something like that =) But I guessed you still deserved some credit. I liked how you decided to focus on friendship instead of romance, it was a bold step and a well took one.

What I felt was lacking in your originality bit was the whole gangs and police setting which was overused and overused. Even the characterizations of your gang members seem typical or any other gang fics one could pick up.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
You managed to keep me wanting more =) That was a big plus. Your story looked as though it had been properly planned from the start which reflected well on the reader. Also, I liked how more and more things were beginning to surface as the investigation went on. Somehow, it felt like no one could trust no one anymore.

However, I just felt that the emotions and actions were not intense enough. For example, when JiYoung was being beaten up, all I felt was, okay, he was being beaten up. You failed to elicit a strong emotion from me throughout the story although your attempt to do so could not be hidden. So, it would be good to make your story more intense.

I was actually looking forward to the ending. I hope that it would be an ending with a twist as a cliché ending would spoil the whole story that you had built up.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Minus the tense and punctuation errors, your English was pretty intact although once in a while you had some expression errors such as “The TV wasn’t on”. I didn’t have a hard time trying to understand your story. However, I felt that you could have done better with your word choices. It seemed that your vocabulary was pretty much limited to the slightly above average standard and it prevented your story from climaxing further.

Flow Of Story: 6/10
I felt that it was great that you could manage two different time periods without making the readers confused. But I felt more links could still be made in a sense that it would good to link the recollections with the current events with a theme. Like in Chapter 6, the recollections were about JiYoung’s parents and the word “Sounds Good” appeared in both the past and present scene. It was good attempt but sadly, not all your episodes were linked like that. The question you could ask yourself is, what makes a particular piece of memory indispensable at that particular point of the chapter.

It would also be good if you had been linkers because at times your story felt cut like this: Past Present Past Present. It would be better if you could devise a way to link the Past and Past or the Present and Present and that would show well on your mastery of the story.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
Like I said in the creativity section, I liked how you weaved the past and present together. But I felt you as an author didn’t really stand out in the story as much as I would like it. I also felt that your chapters could get too short and before I could get into the “emo” mood, my journey was prematurely terminated.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Technically, I didn’t really enioy the fic. But then again, there ain’t many fics that I truly enjoy so, I think it’s got to do with me. The major hindrance to my enjoyment would be that you did not manage to fully grip me. Littered around your fic were attempts to climax the story that fell a little flat at times or not pushed enough to make me gasp.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For not doing a romance story.
For really trying. I really could see the effort.

Total mark: 59/95 (62/100)

Additional comments:
Nevertheless, I still feel that your fic is under appreciated. It’s one of the better ones around, I think you have good ideas floating around your head but you major problem seem to be the ability to put it down in a way that would truly let the readers into your mind and bring them the roller coaster ride.

But keep writing! Because they say practise makes perfect.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

The School Gangster Wants Me?!

Title: The School Gangster Likes Me?!
Author: Elizna Lor
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/elizna_lor/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title : 5/10
The title’s grammatically sound and all but the main problem I had was with the connotation. It sounded like some typical high school story with some ordinary girl which was spotted by some big bully. Something on the lines of Meteor Garden.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s /5.

Poster is okay but nothing spectacular. In other words, it doesn’t stand out. The shade of blue’s pretty nice by the way.

Forewords: 6/10
The poem-ish thing on your forewords worried me. Your English didn’t seem too secure to me. Moreover, as stated in the forewords, it sounded cliché and more cliché!

But credits are given to the rather nicely done trailers which serve as good enough introduction.

Cast Used: 2/5
As I am not very familiar with the cast used, this section will solely focus on the characterizations which sadly, are almost non existent.

The only thing that stood out for Seul Gi was her talent in designing. Ayumi was just the sister. Che Yeon is the angel from heaven. The guys were a blur with nothing more than just a mention of names.

Seriously, is there a need to mention so many people? Even if you say that you are unable to develop all the characters you brought up, surely, the main characters can be developed just a bit more?

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
What creativity?

First we have a pair of sisters who are abused by the father and then they meet up with the cool guy of the school. The guy falls in love with the main character and then another guy (as cool as the first) falls in love with the girl as well.

I could barely find a shred of creativity in your story. Even the incidents like the gangs fighting against each other or how the gangs were punished for coming back late reminded me of either some show or some books I read.

It’s clicheness at its max and all I can say is, sorry but it’s boring.


Story & Plotting: 6/15
Besides the fact that the story is boring and that some parts may proceed to fast, the plot is there. A tiny suggestion for you though, perhaps, you could actually include more incidents between Seul Gi and either Siwon or Sangmin to further develop the relationship as although the story is already at chapter 14, it still felt like the story isn’t really progressing much besides some hints of love between the characters.

Another thing to take note is that your story, contrary to what your readers feel, does not really make me want to come back for more.

And the reason why although your plot is pretty much there I can’t give you a higher grade it’s because of how hollow the story sounded with the obvious lack of descriptions of the characters, actions, atmosphere etc. It sounded like summary of a story rather than the story itself.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
Sentence number 1 of chapter 1 has a grammar error. It’s clutched instead of clutch. And there you were confirming my suspicions about your standards of English. The story from then on was rampant with grammatical errors of all sorts be it tenses, sentence structure, word forms etc. I do believe that some of the mistakes are more of a slip than a true mistake and the lesson is that, PLEASE CHECK! On the other hand, it would be advisable for someone to proof read for you.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
It wasn’t too much of a bumpy ride. So you pass this section. And as I have said in the Story and Plotting section, it may be good for you to do more to develop the relationship of the characters.

Writing Style: 2/5
I hate one liners.

My justifications for that is that usually people will miss out on descriptions when their story is written in one liners. Also, it looks pretty unprofessional as well.

Another thing that I have grievances about is the length of your story. Its filled with one liners (thus space wasting) but not very long in length. I guess you could afford to make your chapters longer.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
Sorry dude. But I didn’t enjoy it. Clicheness and one liners ain’t my cup of tea. The two goes for the way Moon speaks. I found it absolutely adorable.

Bonus marks: 3/5
Well, admist everything, I think there are things that you ought to be credited for. Firstly, the trailers. I liked them. Secondly, I realized that you actually had quite a bit of posters for the characters you introduced. Finally, I guessed I did see some effort from you. You did try and I think you deserve the mark for that.

Total mark: 40/95 (42/100)

Additional comments:
I do recognize that you do have quite a number of supporters for your story. But since I really don’t enjoy the story, there isn’t much point in pretending right?

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

My Stubborn Young Bride

Title: My Stubborn Young Bride
Author: jellybean
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/msyb_/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
Not graded because it’s a challenge fic but I have to say the title’s cute.

Poster & Background : 9/10
Background doesn’t disrupt reading. Good.

Poster’s cute and suits the theme to a tee. I like it!

Forewords: 8/10
First, I have to thank you for writing in proper English. It is a nice break from all the horrible English that have be surfacing in Winglin.

Second, thanks for such a cute forewords. It wasn’t really funny but I liked how it was just simple, easy and yes, cute will still be the best word for it. King Charming, Prince Charming Sr and Prince Charming Jr with Snow White is just perfect parody material.

Third, kudos for igniting my interest in your fic.

Cast Used: 4/5
Splendid characterizations. I thought it was cute to see Arron and Calvin as twins who look alike but think differently. Jiro stands out for me as well with the nasal voice. Chun as the “unconventional” prince gripped me as well. Selina’s Rapenzuel is another extremely cute character. Somehow I am able to picture Selina being trapped in the tower.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I think your story isn’t 100% original given that the title pretty much dictates a story like that. Although an attempt like that is fresh on Winglin, it has been done quite a number of times. I struggled with giving you a higher creativity mark because technically it’s not the newest idea ever.

I also liked the little monologue that you do at the start of the story. It’s a common phenomenon in dramas but very rare has people transferred it into writings. So that’s good.

But creative or not, I still like the story =)

Story & Plotting: 10/15
I don’t think you have any major problems in the area of plotting or storyline. But it’s really too early in the plot to say anything because Ella, the other main character hasn’t even appeared! But up till now, the story is just fun. Nothing much that is intense but I think readers will still return to the story simply because it’s just fun to read. Come back when you are done with the story then we will see how the story actually moves on and all. The your grade can be better justified.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I don’t think I have any problems with it. I liked your descriptions and your command of English is definitely above average. Your sentences generally feel good to read as well. Well done.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Well since it’s only the beginning of the story, I don’t think any comment here is set in stone. It’s more of an opinion from the few chapters you have posted. I don’t have much problems with the flow up till now. Things progress in a smooth and satisfactory pace.

You may want to try to intertwine more things together at the same time to make a greater impact. But in any case this is perfectly fine as of now.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
I think you stand out as a person in the fic. I like how you have a little naughty and fun streak within your writing and how you managed to make the fic easy reading without compromising on quality. When I read, it feels like your words bounces and it makes me really happy.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I think my delight in the story has been shown throughout the review. The fic made me smile and perked me out. It may be lame, but definitely a fun journey. Kudos!

Bonus marks: 3/5
For editing your story almost a year after it was published and reviving it of sorts by sending it for review. And for making a truly fun story.

Total mark: 69.5/90 (77/100)

Additional comments:
I know your review might be slightly shorter than most people but well, it’s not exactly a bad thing because it simply means that I don’t have much to complain about your story =)

Thanks, really.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

You, The Love Snatcher; Me, The Victim

Title: You, The Love Snatcher; Me, The Victim

Author: lildragongurl~ aka devilishgiirl

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/devilishgiirl_3/

Reviewed By: v

Title: 6/10
I thought the title was a little too long. I could already tell how the storyline would be by just reading the title, and I thought I could count on some unexpected surprises. I was pretty disappointed.

Poster & Background: 8.5/10
The poster is really pretty, though the birds on the bottom right hand corner looked a little out of place. Along with the matching background, I think it looks near perfection (:

Foreword: 6.5/10
Straight forward and to the point.
Characters were introduced along with their background.

Cast Used: 3/5
The triangle love between Hebe, Jiro and Arron is very often used. Your characters lack a bit of their own personality. I thought by injecting a suitable and uncommon personality for them would be able to bring out the characters in your story, not just the celebrities themselves.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
Not much originality in it, I would say. It's the usual triangle love in school; puppy love. Maybe you can relate the story to your own experiences, that way, I think it'll make your story one of a kind.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
The story is pretty predictable, so far. Like what the title states, there will be a someone who will try to break a couple up thinking love equates to possession of one’s love one. Like I mentioned earlier, I was really hoping for a surprise somewhere somehow. That way, it’ll make your story different from others. Being unique is the key to high review marks, and high readership.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 5.5/10
There were quite a number of grammatical errors in the story. It was as if you had just type it on the site without drafts, and that you hadn’t run through your chapters on MS Word for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Flow of Story: 6/10
I felt that it went way too fast. One moment, Arron had just returned from overseas, and another they pretend to be lovers, and the next moment Arron released his first album, and is preparing for a concert? Everything’s running too fast, isn’t it?
Maybe you should take some time to describe the more important and interesting scenes? Like when and why Arron return from overseas, and how he has slowly bonded with Hebe, and how Ariel actually got into the music entertainment.

Writing Style: 2/5
No bad intentions, but from reading your fan fiction, I thought you sound as if you were very young. Perhaps 12 – 14? Your focus seemed to be off the little arguments between Arron and Hebe; cute it may seem, but it gets not very enjoyable after a few chapters.
Maybe you can refer to deeper novels, take note of their writing style, process them a little, and make you own? I think quite a lot of writers started out like that, reading novels and learning from it. Of course, I’m not asking you to copy, it’s just a suggestion to have a little reference and learn from it.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
If it wasn’t a review, I think I would have given up trying to finish reading the chapters. I didn’t quite enjoy the story because it lacked content. There was no descriptions on relevant scenes, long elaboration on mundane conversations/arguments and the predictability of the plot.

Bonus marks: 1/5
For the effort you have put in to reply comments from your readers.

Total mark: 57.5/100

Additional comments:
Hi! I’m terribly sorry for the delay in review. I had too many things on my to-do list and then I went on hiatus to hide. HAHA. Anyways, I’m sure you can do better in your future stories/chapters! Good luck girlfriend. You can do it! (:

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

~The Promise~

Title: ~The Promise~

Author: Wing Yi

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MidnightGirl/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 1/10

When I read your title, the only thing that came to mind was, "blah." It wasn’t captivating and it related little to your story. I’m not even sure why you had these ‘~’ put in for. It doesn’t make it look any more professional than it is inviting. The only thing it does for your story is make it seem dodgy. I’ll give you a point however, for that little link between the title and the brief promise Edison had for Gillian.

Poster & Background: 6/10

Putting graphic works aside, your poster isn’t very well done. The poster doesn’t really connect with the storyline. I know that you have asked a site to make you a poster, but you must explain to them clearly of what you want. Kenny wasn’t a main character in the story, yet his picture is more prominent than Edison’s and the title of the story looked as if it was part of the background. Notice these mistakes and don’t be afraid to ask them to edit it. As for that black hole in the corner; what is that? It looks so random.
Now onto that quote you had. It’s not bad but it wasn’t exceptional. One of the reasons why was the grammar. Don’t put a trail after a question mark, it doesn’t make any sense. If you wanted to trail off in a question, put it before the mark. As for the capitals you’ve put in the quote. Only one capital letter at the beginning of each sentence unless there it was a naming noun.
Your background was simple and neat. It didn’t clash with your font which was good.

Foreword: 3/10

Your foreword does not make any sense at all. It may be because of grammar problems or because you had contradicted yourself, but I couldn’t comprehend what you tried to deliver. "A promise that has yet been done." What does that mean? It doesn’t make any sense at all! Be more clearer!
You only introduced two characters in the foreword when there are a couple more. I wasn’t sure if Edison even had a bigger role than Charlene, actually.
Yeah, so your foreword was a bit confusing because of your grammar. Edit your work before you post it so your readers can understand it more fluently.

Cast Used: 2/5

I can’t comment on each character’s personality since it wasn’t that developed in the story. The only thing I got was that Gillian was a weak girl who has no confidence. It seemed as if she was in an abusive relationship with Charlene who obviously had the upper hand. Charlene was this possessive girl who didn’t want anyone but her to have Gillian. She then switched her target to Edison and actually stalked him because of her obsessive personality. Edison and Kenny all seemed a bit bland to me, I didn’t sense anything from them.
Develop your characters more in the story to make it more interesting. Your characters were a bit bland to me.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15

To what I have read, it doesn’t seem as if you had put much thought into your story. I’ll give you credit on making it unpredictable, but how Gillian died at the end; one word, cliché. I knew right off that she would reach for Edison’s hand to forgive him and say ‘I love you’. Give your story a little twist to it, something that would leave the reader a deep impression on your story.

Story & Plotting: 0/15

They way your plotted your story was utterly terrible. I wouldn’t say that your storyline was the best either. You obviously didn’t plan this out or read it over or you would have fixed it. You realise that when in college, people have already chosen their course. According to ‘reality’, Kenny should have gone to law school; Edison to some cooking school and Gillian and Charlene should have went to some acting or singing school. Why one earth did they all go to some English class in college? It would have made more sense if they were still in high school or something.
And how you plotted Edison and Charlene’s scandal was ridiculous. It was so out of the blue, when I first informed about it, I thought I had missed something in those very short chapters. It would have been better if you had built up to it and actually wrote a chapter one the scandal. Don’t just add things in randomly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10

Don’t get me started on your grammar. It seemed as if you were writing in text messaging than the actual English language. Your sentence structure was horrifying also. Are you not familiar on how to write a spoken sentence? You had given me this:
Noone spoke to one another until her mom spoke : "Where were you today?" Charlene quickly responded. : "I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff."
This is the proper way of writing it:
No one spoke to another until her mom spoke, "Where were you today?"
"I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff," Charlene quickly responded.
These are the things I want you to remember:
A new line every time a new person talks. Your paragraphs were made up of a whole conversation and with the way you wrote your spoken sentences made all the more difficult to read and understand who was talking.
An apostrophe for words such as can’t, don’t, haven’t etc.
Put in full stops when necessary and I want to really stretch this out to you. Most of your sentence structures were faulted by the placing of full stops.

Flow of Story: 2/10

The flow was very choppy. It was very rushed and left a lot of gaps in the storyline. It was hard to read and understand what you were trying to say. Especially the sudden proposal and the sudden scandal, it seemed so out of place. Give hints when you’re trying to surprise us so when we read it we’ll go, "of course!" or "ahhh, that’s why."
When Kenny and Edison came to be back up dancers, I was like, "what the heck?" Doesn’t it seem odd to you that Kenny and Edison, both with very different careers to the entertainment industry, would come to be back up dancers? You contradict yourself throughout the story.

Writing Style: 1/5

I didn’t like your writing style. It was too short and you didn’t elaborate the details that you needed to so that it could help the readers understand the plot. Your style made it seemed as if a child had written it, no offence. It was so straightforward, with no sense of mystery.
As you wrote your story, I couldn’t help but wonder if this had followed through to what you had written in the foreword. The theme seemed to be more about Charlene and Gillian’s friendship rather than Gillian and Edison’s love. You have given Charlene such a big role and made it seem as if we were seeing the story through her point of view. Considering that Gillian and Edison were supposed to be the main characters it would be smart to maybe talk about their situation a bit more.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10

To tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was actually grateful that the chapters were short so it can be less painful to go through those fourteen chapters of the story.

Bonus marks: 3/5

One mark for referring back to the graphic designer. Two for answering the comments, your readers had left you.

Total mark: 28/100

Additional comments: I can’t really give you any good advice on how to improve except to plan, edit and elaborate your story. I know that I have been very harsh in reviewing your story and I’m sorry if I had caused you to feel any ounce of anger or depression. Be sure to keep writing.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

-Stalker-

Title: -Stalker-

Author: TsukiBucket

URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/tsukibucket01/

Reviewed By: v

Title: 7/10
The title is clear and informative. It tells readers what they’re in for – the intense fear and confusion (I’ll elaborate on that later on.). The one-word title captures my attention very much.

Poster & Background: 8.5/10
I thought the poster was quite nicely done. The side view of a man (I’m sorry, but I’m bad at recognizing k-pop celebrities, so I’m not really sure who he is.) against the blurred background, which depicts the confusion the way your title did. Well done on that.
The missing marks were the inconsistent font and your overall background. The font of the title and the credit to yourself were different from those of the Korean characters. It looks a little weird with ghostly fonts (title and credits) together with such serious fonts (the Korean characters).
I must say, you chose a safe background colour – white. I thought if you could choose a background colour, similar to those of your poster, the overall visual would be better.

Foreword: 6/10
Your forewords consist mainly of an introduction of yourself being a new writer, followed by the casts of the story (and the teachers), along with 2 sentences of what the story is about. I thought it lacked effort.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
Like I mentioned, I am terrible with K-pop celebrities. If I am not wrong (correct me if I am), the Korean casts in your story are from a band. I’ve seen their names in most stories. But the inclusion of Melissa and Hannah injects something new and different in your story. At least, there’s some space for my imagination.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
I'll award you ten for the numerous brain cells you killed for attempting a somewhat-thriller. It's creative because most mysterious stories usually revolves around some super cool looking killer who is cold and quiet, who eventually got melted by some innocent girl - you get my drift. So yeah, great effort on that!

Story & Plotting: 12/15
A nice story overall. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was pretty intense – just the way I had thought it would when I judged the story by the title – especially during the mid story, where Melissa had decided who she thought the stalker was.
The story revolves more than just romance, that was what sets it apart of many other fan fictions in Winglin. It was something like a thriller, though there’s no deaths (Candy’s death was different.), with Melissa checking up the Internet and surveying on the people around her.
You did terrifc!

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
Spotted a few spelling and grammatical errors. But then again, to err is human. Just try to read through your chapters before submitting them (:

Flow of Story: 7/10
I thought it was really a drag. When I first received this review request, I was eager to read (because of the very eye-catching poster and drawing title.) but when I scrolled to see so many chapters, I was a little discouraged. There were too many irrelevant conversations between Melissa and the six guys thus side tracking from the story, though the sudden fear and confusion come back every few chapters when the story got back on track.
I thought the story ended well at Chapter 23, like a cliffhanger.

Writing Style: 3/5
Your writing style differs a little, but nevertheless, I liked the clever conversations Melissa had with the guys (even though I said it was irrelevant, but it was witty).

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I enjoyed the story quite a bit. 2 marks deducted for the draggy story; one for the conversations and the other for the sequel. I liked the story, but I thought prolonging the story have somewhat made me less interested. The story was after all about the stalker stalking Melissa and that the main objective was to find out who he was and his purpose.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For the effort of replying your comments in LJ (:

Total mark: 76/100

Additional comments:
Sorry I took so long. It was just a couple of days before I had to move house when I received your review request. And then, I had to cope with packing and unpacking and the new school term. I’m terribly sorry about it.
& continue to write such stories. I’m sure many loved it!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr