M i d n i g h t - T r e e

A Penny For Your Thoughts [ M-T Challenge ]

2008-08-28T04:53:00.000-07:00

Title: A Penny for Your Thoughts [M-T Challenge]
Author: Sushi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/A_P_F_Y_T/
Reviewed By: v

Title: - /10
Section removed.

Poster & Background: 7/10
Poster was very well done. It brings out a nostalgic feeling to the reader. Typically, the main colours of maudlin-related fan fiction posters are black, brown or grey. But this was different. The colour choice is very refreshing to me.

Forewords: 8/10
It’s a very sweet ending in the forewords. Faced with many frustrated thoughts and problems, the girl was able to so easily bring him out of his misery (temporarily). I’ve never thought of the title this way – an actual penny for one’s thoughts. Very well done, I must say. The sentence was a truly tempting and made me read on.

Cast Used: 4/5
Out of the few characters featured in the story, Kin Jung Hoog and Jung Da Bin are the only main characters, so I am going to focus on them. Kim Jung Hoog has this sad expression on his face, despite the weak smile on his face, in the poster. The story brings out the unsaid frustration he have had for the past several years, and also how hard he tries to be strong for his family; that made the Kim Jung Hoon in the poster suitable for the character in the story.

I’ve always liked Jung Da Bin, especially after watching Wonderful Life. The big round eyes she has makes her incredibly cute and innocent-looking. It is quite an appropriate decision-making here!

Originality & Creativity: 12/15
Unlike the typical love stories Winglin contains, this one has almost nothing to do with the characters being romantically in love. This story brings out the intelligence a kid, despite being very young, possesses.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
Short story has to have a plot with humongous impact, so as to let the readers remember the story over time despite having only a couple of chapters. It is not easy, but I reckon you have done so, through the conversations between Kim Jung Hoon and Jung Da Bin.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
I haven’t really spotted any grammar mistakes, yet.
Great job there!

Flow Of Story: 7/10
The flow was okay, but because of the few flashbacks, it got me a little confused as to whether I’m reading the flashbacks or the current on-going conversations between Jung Hoon and Da Bin. But other than that, everything else is fine (:

Writing Style: 4/5
I do like your writing style, it describes the characters’ surroundings, depicting the story and at the same time allowing my mind to picture the scenes. Well done!

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I like the ending part,

"Hey! What's your name again?"

The girl turned around and faced him, raising an eyebrow. "Have you forgotten? It's Da Bin,"

There’s this indescribable feeling. It’s like, DA Bin’s going away, leaving Jung Hoon with nothing but memories of their conversations and her name. It’s kind of sad.

Bonus marks: 4/5
The bonus marks is for a chapter expressing your gratitude to your readers and heh, for me to make up for the very-very-very late review.

Total marks: 73/90 (81%)

Addtional comments:
I am terribly sorry for the disgustingly-late review. The review came and then I went hiatus because of the project assignments I had on hand, I had five. After the projects ended, my final examinations started -.-

Anyways, good luck with your future fan fictions…!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

I Wish You Didn’t

2008-08-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

Title: I Wish You Didn’t

Author: Jenny

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/xoxlilpunkxox/

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I don’t think your title would be interesting enough to attract my attention if I’m a reader scrolling down the Winglin website. This will pose as a big threat to your story because your story wouldn’t stand out enough from the others.
A more interesting title please. That’s all I could offer.

Poster&Background: 3/10

I have always encouraged authors to do their own posters because they are the ones who know the story best. Yes, I can see your efforts in doing your poster. I appreciate it. However, I have some little comments for you. Some of the pictures are out of place and the sizes of the pictures are wrong. And, you should use a smaller brush. Last of all, a better combination of colours could be used.
Try to go for more Photoshop tutorials online. I’m sure you will make a great designer too.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a professional designer so you might not agree with some of the comments I offer. Those comments are not meant to be disparaging, but just some honest opinions in my point of view.

Foreword: 4/10

This is really bad. The summary you have there reveals all. Now you have taken away what which has a great potential to create an air of suspense. You should have written the prologue in one of the protagonists’ one of view, perhaps, Horikita Maki, when she found out the horrifying fact that she has to live with four heartthrobs. Also, the character introduction seems quite useless. You should characterize those protagonists through your writing. “Show” not “tell”.

Cast Used: 3/5

Yes, I like them.
However, there is not much characterization done.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

There is not climax at all. You’re just telling a boring life story of them. You should pick on more important scenes to place emphasis on the creativity you could have used here. Anyway the storyline is similar to Hana Kimi, which I found it to be quite boring. Blending into a school as a normal student when the protagonist is a very popular artiste would have been interesting before Hana Kimi, but after it.
Let me just offer you some tips (I think they should be quite of helpful to you.)

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.

Story & Plotting: 8/15

Okay, you passed this because I can see the attempts you have made, trying to create a little suspense at the end of every chapter. Keep it up, for it is really important to leave your readers hanging. Only then, they will want to read more! However, more should be done. Remember, winglin is a fanfiction site which requires readers to update their stories. You must be able to sustain the interest in readers long enough, if not you will lose your readers.
And, shorter chapters please. You tend to get too naggy sometimes.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

Correct your mistakes please. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
And, you can improve on your descriptions. It would definitely be better if you could “show” instead of “telling” the story. A wider gamut of vocabulary would be helpful.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10

Sometimes I got quite irritated by the inconsistent flow of story. It could be really naggy at sometimes! Remember, remove the superfluous parts and focus on the important ones!

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I can see a consistent writing style throughout the story. However, it is not unique, which you call it yours. It requires more writing to develop one.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the first half of the story because I found the story to be cute and hilarious, especially scenes with Toma in it. However, for the later parts of the story, I lost my patience. It got naggy. In fact, I just skimmed through some of the chapters, without devouring every word carefully.

Bonus marks: 5/5

That’s for encouragement purpose. You deserve them because I believed you have worked hard for your story. However, you will need to work harder still.

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: Firstly, please accept my apologies for this really late review. I know I have taken a really long time to process. I’m sorry because I was very busy. Hope you can understand. Secondly, with regards with this piece review, I bet you would have quite a few questions for me. If there’s any enquiries, you may contact me via the site’ tagboard, or midnight-tree email if you would prefer that. I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Good luck and work hard for your sequel!

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
-

雨天的好朋友

2008-08-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

Title: 雨天的好朋友

Author: 泡泡

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/paopao

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6.5/10

这故事的名称挺可爱的，给我一种很甜蜜的感觉，但还是不够吸引人。你在这方面需要多下苦功，因为一个不吸引人的故事名称是很吃亏的。你会因此失去很多读者。

Poster & Background: 8.5/10

还不错。也很可爱呢，尤其是右上角的图案。
但是，需要注意的是，background的眼色与故事情节，情调很不搭。或许，你可以试浅粉红色。还有，有些字体的颜色，例如白色，也很不适合。

Foreword: 0/10

根本不及格。
那么短的人物介绍并不足以让读者对你的故事产生兴趣。你应该通过故事勾画出人物的性格，而不是直截了当地把各个人物的优缺点说出来。
我建议你以故事的开始作为故事的序。这能有效地吸引读者读下去。

Cast Used: 2/5

普普通通。还算过得去。
不就是常常被凑在一起的人物吗？

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

由于故事情节非常老掉牙，我根本就可以摸索出故事发展的方向，尤其是男朋友的父亲将和自己的单身母亲结婚。这真的是太巧了啊！就只差没写他们俩是兄妹嘛。这是非常危险的，因为一旦读者已料到故事的发展，他们将对你的故事失去兴趣。而且，这整个故事只有一个高潮，显得太平淡了。

Story & Plotting: 7/15

故事情节的安排有待进步。每一场的结尾应该设计一个小小的高潮，让读者有兴趣读下去。

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10

由于是剧本的关系，所以并不强烈要求语言的雕饰。以故事的流利度作为考量，算是挺不错的。不过，有些错字和语病。

Flow Of Story: 6/10

这真令人头疼啊。故事的情节发展有些太快了。例如说，语航和克淳的爱情发生得太快了。故事情节的发展速度令人感到有些不舒服，甚至会认为你是在赶。

Writing Style: 4/5

说真的，剧本的效果真的令我感到有些意外。短短的几个句子，也有出乎意料的效果－把画面形容的淋漓尽致，有如观看电影般。挺不错的。

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10

老实说，我不怎么喜欢这故事因为故事情节太老掉牙了。此外，每一个chapter也太短了，无法满足我的需要。应该再长一些。

Bonus marks: 2/5

期待更多更有趣的剧本。

Total mark: 52/100

Additional comments: 若你有疑问，请尽管提出。我会尽快恢复的。

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
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No Escape

2008-08-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Title: No Escape
Author: Lixiangqingren
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/noescape/
Reviewed by: WZ (Joa)

>> Title = 8/10

The title sounds pretty good but I don’t find it very alluring. It gives a very familiar ring in my ears.

>> Cast = 3.5/5

Since you have used fictional characters, I can’t say anything about celebrity portrayal. However, the characteristics that you have made up can be judged. Since your story is an one shot, the only character development for the Princess is fear. The other guy…was disgusting. I loved this line though:

“she could almost hear his lips curve up into a smirk”

>> Foreword = 7/10

Please, PLEASE don’t put credits at the beginning of your forewords. You are urging your readers to follow that link first before your story. It’s brief (seeing as your story IS a one shot) but not that intriguing. Other than that…your forewords was very simple and clean.

>> Poster & Background = 8/10

The appearance of your story is actually a relief for me. It was easy to read and the poster was nice, save for the er…“scribbles” and the black splatters on the girl’s face.

>> Plot = 12/15

So she was a princess who would inherit the throne and he wanted to get rid of her to take the crown for himself. I see I see. Sorry, to unoriginal. Plus, there wasn’t much development. Just…chase, hope, crush, stab, death.

>> Originality & Creativity = 10 /15

I’ve seen far too many of this style among books I’ve read in different languages and backgrounds. I had hoped you’d be adding your own little twist to the tragedy when I read “the light was coming closer, she was almost there.”

>> Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

I didn’t catch major mistakes. Good job.

>> Overall enjoyment = 15/20

Not my favourite story. Sorry.

>> Reader Friendly = 3/5

Did you ever reply to those comments?

>> Bonus Marks
Link Back to Us: 0/3

Total: (I need a calculator) 74. 5 / 100

(A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)

2008-07-17T04:56:00.000-07:00

Warning: Very bad review ahead. Approach with caution.

Title: (A) (tale) (that) (NEVER) (ends)
Author: y.e.a.
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/once_upon/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 2/10
First impression: have I come to the wrong place? Is this MSN messenger?

Seriously, what’s with all the brackets? And what’s with the emphasis on the NEVER? You know, the latter question is that one that really gets me, because I haven’t really found an answer to it. I can understand what it means to beautify the title and stuff, but what IS it with the emphasis on ‘never’? It gets me worried, because after the first chapter, I was convinced that it would really NEVER end. NEVER.

The title also set off a series of chain reactions in my brain, going something along the lines of a Lambchop classic. Which honestly, all I want is to turn you into lambchop after this whole reaction began. If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, there’s always good, ‘ole Youtube.

And as you have already found out for yourself, this is (a) (review) (you) (hoped) (you) (had) (NEVER) (requested).

Poster and Background: 6/10
Points for a poster that’s well done, but unfortunately the colour of the background gets me. If a lighter shade were to be used, then the effect might have been better. This current one makes the poster stand out like a torch light in a dark room, which really, isn’t really the effect I think you might have wanted to achieve.

The font colours come upon as jarring on the eyes, and I had to turn down the brightness on both computer monitors in order to read comfortably.

Try to remember. You’re trying to make an impression by your story and your language, not the fact that your fic is a well known light bulb.

Foreword: 0/10
I have no qualms about giving 0 for this section simply because I think you deserve it. I’m being nice here, lumping both official and unofficial forewords (that’s how it’s spelt: foreword, foreword, foreword. Forward is the direction you should be going.) To put this all simply, let’s use a script form that you’re so fond of.

Mistake 1: Telling the readers that this fic might be boring. *Attention span wavers slightly*

Mistake 2: Having this TVB-esque beginning in your so-called official foreword, which really, made me switch off by the time I got midway of this… Thing. The word for it is shapeless. Another word for it would be… Irrelevant. Or overly dramatic. To the point that it’s become hair-raising.

In short, it’s just nonsense. *switches off*

Mistake three: You introduction of characters is really a classic case of what should be done to allow readers to tune out before they hit the main plot. Your plot might be the most intricate, wonderful plot in the universe, but with this sort of character introduction, it becomes nothing short of the very definition of “terrible”.

Mistake four: Writing an ancient piece in English a la the Forbidden Kingdom (a.k.a. the Jackie Chan show off vehicle).

Mistake five: It’s just funny. Very funny. Hilarious. And that’s only good if this was meant to be a comedy.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 2/5
I applaud your interesting use of the cast. I also applaud your bravery in using an original character. I applaud your bravery in constructing such… memorable characters.

I’m being nice.

Or am I?

I mean, look, seriously. Who are these people? What are they doing? I see nothing but blank empty characters flying around, making clowns of themselves most of the time. I know that much of the inspiration comes from idol dramas and the like (and this one being especially reminiscent of a TVB serial), but this is writing. We don’t see the characters appear before us physically, and that cuts the drama and the caricature that they were supposed to be.

So sweetheart, write. Don’t draw. This is writing, you can’t draw with words as scant as yours, much less create convincingly human characters. You’re looking for characters, not clowns.

Story and Plotting: 2/15
Two. Let me explain.

Numero Uno. I don’t know what’s going on most of the time. And I know it’s not because I’m dumb. I’m not dumb; you’re confusing.

Duo. The plot moves so sllooooowlllyyy that I feel like I’m really reading a never ending tale. NEVER ending (emphasis not mine).

Tres. I applaud your use of translations, especially with the wonderfully, specific and accurate English translations of what is supposedly Chinese martial art strokes. The thing is, as I’ve said many times before, language is a form of communication, and I really don’t know what’s the point of using “SILVER FIST” when you can write something considerably more vivid a la “Jiro threw a punch at his attacker.” Or simply, in classic script style – Jiro: *punches hard*
Attacker: *nose bleeds*
Me: *sigh*

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 1/10
Let me recount to you how you lost the marks. Mark by mark.

At 10, your sticky caps on the contents page for the chapter titles got me. And then there were 8.
At 8, your excellent, but otherwise really useless and ineffective translations of certain martial art strokes that have long gone missing got me. And then there were 7.
At 7, your colloquial language like “yah” and “his self” (it should be himself) got me. And then there were 5.
At 5, your bad grammar like your mixing of past and present tenses got me. And then there were 4.
At 4, your overdose of CAPITAL LETTERS really, really got me. And then there were 2.
At 2, your use of diction put together (that means, incoherent sentences, unnecessary words, etc.) got me. And then there was 1.

Notice how the math flows? Not well? Hmmm… Oh well, I didn’t say I could do math, the same way as you didn’t say you could do English.

Flow of Story: 3/10
It doesn’t flow well. It flows too slowly, and I wish I could’ve ended it in a jiffy. And when anything is in script form, it just doesn’t flow, at all.

Look at it this way. It’s not the water over rocks that matters, because when water flows over rocks, it still maintains its fluidity. But when sand flows over rocks… It doesn’t flow. It gets stuck, and it becomes more rock over the years.

Your fic wasn’t water, neither was it fine sand. It was solidified rock.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
Not too bad, at least you were consistent, although it wasn’t consistently good.

I really advise against the whole script form thing. Really.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 3/15
I rolled a die and ended up at 3.

To you, that might spell how unprofessional, how insincere I am at writing this review, but to me, it doesn’t make a difference. Anything below 6 would’ve done the trick.

I’ve seen this plot somewhere, but if you had managed to work it well, then I wouldn’t have been so prissy about the whole clichéd or not thing. Problem is, you didn’t.

Creativity comes in two parts: plot, and style. If you weren’t creative on your plot, having pulled it from some Charmaine Sheh TVB drama, or some Nicholas Sparks novel out there, then you have to work on your style. But you weren’t even relatively coherent, not to mention if you could work out something to bring out the essence of what you were trying to bring out.

Plot: TVB drama.
Style: Taiwanese idol drama’s comedy mixed with sappiness.
Overall: Rubbish.

And notice, none of that is even original.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10
I read maybe… 3 chapters of the lot? Or rather, I read every chapter, but I could have written the whole story within 3 chapters. Everything was wrong about this. Everything.

And by the way, you said it’s written in script form because it’s “ancient times”? I see no logic in that. Explain to me, please. I think it was more due to laziness than anything. And if you doubt that a period drama could be done in prose, then read more Louis Cha. It’s Chinese, but then again, you might fare better in another language other than English.

Bonus marks: 1/5
Responding to readers: 1
Linking to MT: 0
X-factor: 0

Total mark: 22.5/100

Additional Comments: I warned that I was strict, and sarcastic. And I offend, yes. It might be intentional, or otherwise, but why care? If this is the wake up call necessary for you to write better fics, then please, wake up already. Lambchop’s calling.

If not, I really (don’t) (EVER) (want) (to) (review) (your) (fics) (anymore).

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

To Love and To Cherish

2008-07-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

Title: To Love and To Cherish

Author: JiShin

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/jishin8

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6.5/10

The title is sweet. However, it’s such a pity it lacks of an element of surprise, failing to interest me. To be frank, I don’t think it will be able catch my attention while I’m scrolling down the Winglin webpage, except for the fact your story is featuring TVXQ. This is an okay title for your story, but definitely not the best, if you want to interest more readers.

Poster & Background: 7/10

This poster is considered nice, for an author who does not design for her profession. I’m not a professional designer either, but what I can offer is feedbacks from a reader’s point of view. Overall, I do like the texts, the colour, the mood and all; however, I do not like your pictures. The quality of the pictures is low, causing the poster to look blur. It’s such a pity.
I have always encouraged authors to do their posters if they have the Photoshop software. I hope you can continue to keep up the good work.

Foreword: 2/10

You would have scored 0 marks for the fact you did not include a prologue of any sort, but I decided to give you 1 mark, for the fact that you managed to interest me with the mention of your casts.
It would be better if you could include a small introduction. Yes, it is hard because your story consist a collection of one-shots. Another 1 mark goes to the fact that you have an advantage less than other authors, whose stories are one-shots. Preferably, you can do a small prologue on for example, “Love”, and interest readers to read on to find out how TVXQ is going to explore “Love”.

Cast Used: 5/5

I’m definitely anticipating, because I’m a huge fan of TVXQ. =)
Taking into account that you story is one-shot, thus at disadvantage, being unable to give stronger characterisation, I think you have already done an excellent job on the characterisation of the protagonists.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15

No doubt, there are many elements of surprises here and there, especially Narcissus, which I find them intriguing. I’m really glad that you dare to challenge bold ideas.
Good job. Continue to keep it up.

Story & Plotting: 13/15

Taking into account that all the one-shots were given a limited space for plot development, thus I concluded that you have really done an excellent job for each and every one-shot. And, I love how you arrange your ideas. All ideas are neatly organised and planned.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 9/10

I’m really impressed by the wide gamut of vocabulary you have used. The way you play with words was impressive too. Keep it up!

However, there are quite a few mistakes in your paragraphing of dialogues.
Okay, let’s get a bit technical with language. You tend to include more than one dialogue into a paragraph, which is a big No-No. Presentations of this ilk is confusing. Furthermore, you will only bore your readers. For example: “SeoEun ah!” YooChun’s delighted gush gashed in and chopped off JaeJoong’s sentence midway as he ran in and chortled blithely at her. “Have you been waiting for long? I’m sorry, we were chatting with some dancers outside! The three of them are still there and I thought I’d sneak back to meet you first!” His attention shifted to JaeJoong briefly and he prodded the older man on the shoulder. “Ya Hyung! Why did you walk off so soon?”

Sample: “SeoEun ah!” YooChun’s delighted gush gashed in and chopped off JaeJoong’s sentence midway as he ran in and chortled blithely at her, “Have you been waiting for long? I’m sorry, we were chatting with some dancers outside! The three of them are still there and I thought I’d sneak back to meet you first!”
His attention shifted to JaeJoong briefly and he prodded the older man on the shoulder. “Ya Hyung! Why did you walk off so soon?”

Another thing is, I would suggest to you to re-paragraph certain paragraphs to achieve an certain impact on your readers successfully, what the technique of repetition used is supposed to achieve. For example, “I’m sorry I could never be there again to tuck you in bed and kiss you goodnight. I’m sorry I could never be the one to taste your pancakes and hash browns again and tell you how marvellous they are. I’m sorry I could never decorate our Christmas tree with you again and waltz away in the carol of the bells. I’m sorry I could never huddle before the fireplace with you again when snow falls; I’m sorry I could never strum your favourite piece on the guitar for you again out in the sun. I’m sorry I could never look into your eyes again and tell you how much I love you, but please know I do, I always do, and always will.”

Sample:
I’m sorry I could never be there again to tuck you in bed and kiss you goodnight.
I’m sorry I could never be the one to taste your pancakes and hash browns again and tell you how marvellous they are.
I’m sorry I could never decorate our Christmas tree with you again and waltz away in the carol of the bells.
I’m sorry I could never huddle before the fireplace with you again when snow falls;
I’m sorry I could never strum your favourite piece on the guitar for you again out in the sun.
I’m sorry I could never look into your eyes again and tell you how much I love you, but please know I do, I always do, and always will.”

Flow Of Story: 9/10

The flow of the story for each one-shot is smooth and well-planned.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Due to the fact that this fanfiction is a collection of one-shots, I can see that you attempt a different writing style for each one-shot. You did manage to create quite a unique writing style, unmistakably from the way you play with words.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I have really enjoyed this fanfiction very, very much. For most of the one-shots, perplexed feelings that were aroused in me was indescribable. I could not really differentiate between melancholy or pity I felt for the protagonists. Beneath the words, I seemed to have felt a deeper feeling than I should have gained from the superficial meaning. Wonderful story.

Bonus marks: 5/5

2 marks for the efforts put in for each and every awesome one-shot.
1 mark for replying your readers.
2 marks for the immense enjoyment you have given me.

Total mark: 80/100

Additional comments: A

nother wonderful story! Thank you so much for your request. I have found myself another fanfiction to look forward to. =)
P.S. I’m very sorry for having taken such a long time to finish your request. Hope you will like your review. :)

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr

You Still Have Me

2008-07-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

Title: You Still Have Me

Author: halky

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/halky4/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 9.5/10

‘You Still Have Me’ is a nice title for your story. It’s romantic and pin points the main idea of the story as well as the genre.

Poster and Background: 7/10

The colours you’ve chosen are very soft and light; nice and easy on the eyes. However, the pictures in the background are not washed out enough. Every time I reached the centre of the page, I get distracted by the pictures. Although the font is ‘just’ dark enough to read over it, it’s still hard because of Hebe’s dark and attention-grabbing hair.
I’m puzzled over the pictures in the poster. You’ve added in a flower and what seems to be a bridge? Strange, I don’t remember them being in the story. Although it makes the poster pretty, try to make it link to the story.

Foreword: 7/10

Your foreword is cute. Right away from the words they said and how they acted, I knew their age range, their relationship and a little bit of their personality. You didn’t need to list it out like a profile which is even better! However, it doesn’t seem to be a lead to the story as it is part of the story. Even though it introduces the characters, there is no introduction to the story. All you’ve given is that Arron likes Hebe and she is blind towards his feelings. Maybe say that Hebe usually gets played a lot and how Arron has to save her every time.

Cast Used: 3/5

Each character’s role is carried out quite consistently. Hebe is a girl who looks for any possibility of love that is thrown at her. They way you’ve written it, the time frame is probably one week every indent? This makes her sound like the ‘easy’ sort of girl who would agree to everything the guy asks of her. I didn’t think that this is the type of girl you’re trying to portray. You’re trying to make her seem like an innocent victim that’s been toyed around by love, right? The way she was so depressed every time they dumped her would have worked, but how simple it was for Arron to cheer her up makes me wonder if she was that depressed after all. Especially when she moved from one guy to the next so often as well, really shows how easily she can just forget the one she had previously been heart broken for.
Arron has a stubborn, distant and proud personality. He was too proud to express his love for Hebe and even commented Lee Wei as ‘lucky’ to be able to confess to her. I like his character better than Hebe’s. He is stronger willed and determined in his goal in making Hebe happy, rather than Hebe where her heart can be healed with just a cup of guan dong zhu.

Originality and Creativity: 4/15

I wouldn’t say that this is creative. It’s just the story of a guy rescuing his love every time she gets into trouble over and over and over. From the start I knew the ending and from the fourth indent I knew how the story was going to go. I wasn’t surprised or wowed when I reached the end. It was just a typical fairy tale ending.

Story and Plotting: 10/15
Your plotting was consistent throughout, with Hebe getting a new boyfriend and then getting comforted by Arron. It was like a cycle. Two things that really seemed out of the blue in your story were the pads and the kiss at the end. The pads were weird. I just laughed and thought what the heck? when I read that part. It really knocked the romantic feeling out the window. There are other ways to have Arron be read as a thoughtful guy and to stick him with something more, cooler? Magic tricks have always been thought of as a way to cheer up girls. Pulling out a rose from behind her ear is much more romantic than pads!
The tongue action at the end is highly inappropriate. Light hearted romance does not call for such a description. Describe how they felt instead if you’re looking for something to fill in the gap. Actually, that would have been much better. Describe clearly how happy Arron felt to have confessed and how shocked yet touched Hebe felt.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5.5/10

The word ‘hardly’ is not an adverb for hard. It means, only just. You’ve used ‘hardly’ incorrectly for a lot of sentences so I didn’t think it was an accident.
There were some sentences that were poorly structured. One of the many that I picked up was:

Then she looked up at the disappearing figure, than more tears came out from her eyes
*When she looked up at the disappearing figure, more tears came out of her eyes

The use of than and then in the same sentence should be avoided. When there was a then in the previous sentence, try not to use it again in the following. Makes it look dodgy.

There were also sentences that Arron said that didn’t make sense. I assumed that it was because he was in a fit of rage to have rambled on about gibberish.

THAT FREAKING GUY IS SO LUCKY THAT HE WILL HURT YOU AGAIN! WHY DON’T YOU CHOOSE ME INSTEAD?

Why is he lucky to hurt her? And had he hurt her before? Like I said, Arron’s talking in gibberish.

Remember to edit your work. Read it out loud to see if it makes sense or not. It’s the little silly mistakes that cost you your whole meaning of the sentence.

Flow of Story: 9/10

Nothing seemed out of the blue. Everything was constant.

Writing Style: 3/5

I think, from what I’ve said about your creativity, if you put in a twist at the end it would be much better. Right now, you’ve written a plain basic story. For the finishing touches, it would be better to add a climax to the story, put in a twist, something that would make your story memorable.
Also, I don’t think you’ve gone into much depth with the emotional side. When dealing with romance, you’ve got to explore not only what their emotions are making them do (whether it is to strangle Calvin or crying), but explain what they’re feeling. What they’re thinking and what they desired.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Pretty good story. Not bad. If you follow the recommendations I’ve stated, I surely hope that your story will be better in the future.

Bonus marks: 2/5

Two points for making your own layout.

Total mark: 66/100

Additional comments:

If you have any queries then tag me

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr

World’s Apart

2008-07-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

Title: World’s Apart

Author: lil_tiger
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lil_tiger2/
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 9.3/10

Your title is quite compatible with your story. Although it is usually used as a metaphor, you have decided against the main stream and used the meaning of it in a literal way. It isn’t a simple title as it holds many meanings and you managed to link it throughout the story. The only complaint I have is that it doesn’t capture my interest. It looks and sounds boring and doesn’t hold much appeal. Although the title does have relevance to the story, it would be better to make it more eye catching.

Poster & Background: 3/10

Putting aside the use of graphics present in the poster, the current layout does not follow through with the fantasy genre of the fiction. From what I see, the poster only indicates romance, along with the quote that completely conflicts with the story. Love and hate? All I see is love, where is the hate? Where is the clash? Your quote also point towards romance, in which I think is the secondary genre of the story. Fantasy seems to override it and I see nearly no elements in the poster. Granted that you have managed to make it bright and glowing and seeing that it is quite out of the norm, so I’ll give some points for that.

The background and the poster do not match. However you look at it, even with the black font on the poster, it clashes. Also, seeing as it is a fantasy fiction, the background is too plain. Add some fantasy elements in it. Maybe the red cloudy skies you have described in your story? The font was clear and readable.

Foreword: 6/10

I like your short paragraph. It has some indications of it being a fantasy when you wrote, “Nothing is the same anymore.” What I didn’t like was how you wrote out paragraph after paragraph describing each character, saying what the liked or disliked. You don’t need to do that. You have already described each character in your story clearly enough for the reader to understand their personality. And long paragraphs like that can sometimes make the forewords seem over the top. Make it short, simple and to the point. By the way, is Hayley supposed to be Michelle?

Cast Used: 2.9/5

Let’s look at Tavia. Referring back to the foreword in your character description, you said that she was a fashion fanatic? Seeing as she isn’t a main character in the story (so far), I wouldn’t think you’d go into much detail about her. But from what I’ve read on her character, nothing showed that she was a fashion fanatic as you have claimed her to be. You see, this is why you don’t explain each character in the foreword. This way you can change your mind about what they are like.

Now onto Rachel. I still have no idea what her personality is like. Even after how many chapters, all I know is that she is the wise cunning one. There were times when she was a trickster, there were times when she was nasty, then she was reasonable then she was kind. Who is this person? There’s nothing distinct about her, her personality changes too much. Find one personality for her and stick by it.

Originality & Creativity: 13/15

Considering that it is of a fantasy genre, of course it is very creative. Being in a coma and ending up in another world, you wouldn’t call that clichéd. However, the ending, as far as I know, is quite predictable. Charmaine and Raymond are going back to the “real” world and are going to end up together with some talk with their current partners. Because your story is yet to end, think of a twist that would make the reader go, WOW! Make sure that the twist makes sense as well of course.

Story & Plotting: 12.5/15

I didn’t have a problem understanding your story. It was clear and precise. Except for when Charmaine’s mother suicided. One minute she was lecturing Charmaine, the next minute she was on the road. I think you rushed it a bit there, seeing as you didn’t even indicate that she left the room! Apart from that, I can’t find any flaws (that I remember).

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6.5/10

Your sentence structure was a bit bad. Some didn’t make sense and others seemed to be put together with the use of ‘;’. Do not violate the use of these semicolons. You have overused them and it makes it hard to read your sentences. Instead of placing them, either separate them into different sentences or with commas.

Another thing is your use of ‘………………’ What the heck is that? An ellipsis only has three dots. Why did you use so many for? Reduce the numbers!

Flow of Story: 9/10

Your story would have gone smoothly if you had elaborated on Charmaine’s mother’s death.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your writing style is alright. I had no problems sitting back and reading it. The thing was that you should describe the scenery more and the movement of the fictional characters, especially Rachel because she seemed to not come from the ‘real’ world which evidently makes her more interesting. Paint a picture of that world for your readers to imagine it so that the fourth wall can be broken and see themselves in the story with your characters. It’s a hard thing to do but when writing fantastical stories, that’s what you’re trying to aim for.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10

Too tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it. The only thing that kept me going was my curiosity in seeing how you would write this fantasy fiction.

Bonus marks: 0/5

No bonus marks.

Total mark: 67.7/100

Additional comments: I am so sorry I took so long! I have my reasons!!

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

Family Crisis

2008-07-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

Title: Family Crisis
Author: August
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/August
Reviewed By: v

Title: 4/10
The title clearly explains what the reader is in for upon clicking on the provided link. "Family Crisis" sounds very predictable, and without excitement. But nevertheless, your title is closely linked to your story.

Poster & Background: 7/10
I do like your poster. It blends very well with your background. I like the colour choice; the kind of blue many will not use. I see it as unique. The two guys at each end were on a street. Both seemed to be wondering aimlessly. I am not sure if it connects with your story. But at least, I like your graphics.

Foreword: 4/10
It does not provide a prologue of the story, neither a summary. It is hard to attract readers without either one of the above mentioned. You gave a list of character involved in your story. However, from the point of view of a reader, he or she will only be interested in the main casts. Since all your characters are from Big Bang, Wonder Girl, or are fictional characters, this sentence: "Other members from Big Bang and Wonder Girls may or may not be included in the story. I might also add a few more fictional characters along the way." is enough. By listing down a series of names, it distracts the reader from your main casts.

Cast Used: 3/5
Being unfamiliar with K-Pop celebrities, I remember the characters' personalities, and thus am able to differentiate them. I think you've done well so far. It's just a little pity because you haven't finished, and I can only rate according to those posted chapters.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I am sorry, but I know of a true account similar to your story. And the true account was really far more descriptive (when I was told the story).

Story & Plotting: 10/15
I feel that since you've titled it as "Family Crisis", it was supposed to affect your main female lead (SunYe) a lot, you should have thrown in more descriptions on her emotions. That would have made more impact on the reader (me) as he/she (I) read about how unfair life was for her when she was still at her dad's place (with the mean step-mother and annoying step-brother). I like your descriptions in the story, but I feel that you should also focus on SunYe's emotions as she goes through this family crisis.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Your language is generally okay (:

Flow Of Story: 8/10
I think your story flows pretty well for now. The story didn't lose me halfway through. So well done on that!

Writing Style: 3/5
Because it's merely 5 chapters, it is hard to determine your writing style. But so far I think you are progressing pretty well (:

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Like I mentioned earlier, suppose because your story is too similar to a true story I've heard, so it sort of spoiled the story for me.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying to your readers individually.

Total mark: 61/100

Additional comments:
Don't worry about the results, this is after all only your FIRST attempt! I'm sure you can do better with practice the next time round! Good luck with the rest of this fan fiction and your future ones!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Maid in Tokyo

2008-06-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Title: Maid in Tokyo
Author: discoteque
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/discoteque
Reviewed By: Yuki.

Title: 6/10
Your title was pretty straightforward; it didn’t hold any suspense or whatsoever. It gave off the impression of the ‘master & maid love’ at first sight so it might only attract readers who like that kind of story. (Well, I like it xD)

Poster & Background: 4/10
I would say that the poster looks rather weird because the background of the poster looks sort of cute and outgoing while the pictures of the characters look kind of solemn. The poster itself wasn’t really well done because it doesn’t suit the mood and it didn’t have much appeal (I’m sorry ><). Also, there isn’t any background provided. You might want to change the font colour codes so that the main page would appeal more to readers to click on one of the links.

Foreword: 2/10
The information provided in your forewords was unnecessary. You didn’t need to tell the readers what were the characteristics of your characters and whatnot. It would only somehow give away your story. You should include a prologue to capture the reader’s attention so that they would come back for more.

Cast Used: 4/5
Well, the first chapter instantly told me that Mio is a strong and persistent girl :]. I liked the way she told Sawada that she didn’t bear any hatred to him and she was going to act professional at her job, it isn’t common to hear this not-bearing-any-hatred thing these days. I adore her character :]. It was rather surprising Sawada that felt bad when Mio quitted her job indirectly because of him, it didn’t seem like how every original male lead would act :].

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I wouldn’t say this story is exactly original but I did see some careful planning to spice up this story. Although it seemed rather plain initially but it was great to see Mio being strong and clear headed, you don’t get to see that a lot nowadays. It did turn out to be unexpected from the characters.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
As I’ve mentioned earlier, your story did start off a little plain and unnoticed. However, I could literally imagine the scene where Sawaka & Mio shook hands when they both agreed to be professional about the maid thing. I thought it was a really cut way to start the interactions between them. I got mislead when I read about Yuki’s [hahah, same name] first appearance because it did seem like Mio liked him more than he did [or was I just dense?] I guess I was taken by surprise when Yuki confessed his well-kept feelings for Mio. I was blown away when I read continued the journey to finishing the story because almost everything came out the least I expected them to.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
One of your biggest mistake in the story lies in the tenses you use. (E.g Original; She dropped the mop she’s been holding… Correct; She dropped the mop she had been holding.) I could spot quite a handful of mistakes in the first chapter alone, it would chase away readers who are really mind about grammar. I noticed that you used a Japanese word in the midst of the chapters and I would say it would be better if you included explanation for that word, it might not seem much but it’s the little effort you can do to ensure your readers understand. I see a wider range of vocabulary from this story compared to others on winglin, it would be certainly more intense if you could describe the character’s actions a little more. There were some spelling errors, which most of them can be overlooked but maybe you would like to proof read before posting up the chapter. There are too many hyphens appearing where they shouldn’t be.

Flow Of Story: 9/10
The flow of the story was pretty stable, I didn’t expect them to develop that fast though. Other than that, I guess everything was well planned and it was carried out well.

Writing Style: 4/5
Overall, your writing style was fine. However, you should not mix the character’s thoughts together with their actions so as to avoid confusion. (E.g Uncivilised creature, she thought furiously.) It would be better if you added in inverted commas to avoid the confusion :].

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I knew I already mentioned this but I guess wanted to let you know again; I adore Mio :]. I love her character! I enjoyed how each chapter was started like a brand new page instead of linking everything together.

Bonus marks: 3/5
The contents page looks sort of messy and it would definitely be quite taxing if any of the readers wanted to locate a particular chapter. I love the adorable ending :].

Total mark: 65/100

Additional comments: Sorry for taking such a long time to complete your request ><. Mixture of laziness and forgetfulness. Do drop a tag if you’ve any enquiries regarding this review :].

Reviewed by Yuki.@midnight-tree.co.nr-

Never Again

2008-06-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Title: Never Again
Author: teriyaki18
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/junjin
Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 5.5/10
This title is okay. Nothing interesting, nothing special. It would not have caught my attention if I’m scrolling down the Winglin webpage. At the sound of it, it immediately speaks of unrequited love, which is a very cliché-like story.

After finishing all the chapters, your story further proved my point. This title was incongruous. Rhianne was determined not to go to any blind dates anymore, so it was “Never Again”. However, your storyline was about this sweet romance. It looked as though you’re deviating from the topic, but actually you gotten your story an inappropriate title.

Try to think of a more catchy title.

Poster & Background: 3/10
This poster is quite poorly done. Of course, I’m not a professional graphic designer. I may not be able to offer you professional critics on this artwork, but what I can offer is some feedbacks, from a reader’s point of view.

Basically, in overall, I think the poster is messy. All the pictures look out of place, for example, the picture on the right. You should use a smaller brush, if not the superfluous parts are not erased completely. Also, the font of the quote is not well-chosen. Orange doesn’t go prettily with black here in this case.

Personally, I would encourage authors to design their posters and background. So, the three marks there are meant to encourage you to continue to design. Try to go for more photoshop tutorials. I’m sure you’ll make a great designer. =]

Foreword: 6/10
The suspension you attempted to create isn’t enough for me to click the “next” button. Again, the first thing that came to my mind is the word ‘cliché’ - a special person will appear to change the protagonist’s perspective of blind dating. Instead of using this summary as the prelude to your story, I think you should try “bombshell” instead. Include the climax in your prologue to interest your readers.

The character introduction you have there isn’t enough either. You’re simply telling me she’s a homicide detective, and she hates blind dating. Maybe you can include a small point of view from her, for example, “Oh my god! Why am I feeling this way? (etc)” This will interest your readers because they would want to find out how she is responding to the other protagonist.

Cast Used: 5/5
I assume that the characters are fictional as I have not heard of them before.
I do like this pairing. =)

I’m impressed by your characterisation. Strong characterisation. What makes your characterisation more special is, you present your characterisation through the different perspectives of the protagonists. Good job. Keep it up.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
A romance between an officer and a surgeon is definitely refreshing, which makes your story very different from the others. However, after reading your story, I think it was quite disappointing, or should I say, it did not meet my expectations. I expected more because this storyline certainly has the potential. It’s just that you have yet to explore deep enough. Maybe you would want to try exploring deeper into their careers. You did, for Rhianne, but not Junjin. You can do some more brainstorming to be more creative.

Story & Plotting: 13/15
Just like what I have just said, your storyline is quite creative, so you get your points for story.

Likewise, for plotting, I think you have done quite a good job. The small climaxes at the end of each chapter were done prettily. You managed to keep me suspense and make me want to read more. Keep it up.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
You didn’t have a big problem with grammer and spelling, as I hardly spot any. But, there were some careless ones. Just remember to check each chapter before posting them up next time.

You had quite a wide range of vocabulary. It’s just a pity you didn’t use more. Remember to use more descriptive ones. They certainly would be enjoyable.

Flow Of Story: 8/10
In overall, you have done a good job, for all the chapters were flowing smoothly.
There were some parts which interrupted the flow. For example, the part where Rhianne left. You immediately continue the story with their lives after four years. That was too abrupt. I would suggest you start a new chapter on it.

Another example, chapter : Random Thoughts. I’m certainly not enjoying this chapters because the thoughts were indeed random. I can understand you’re trying to do flashbacks in amidst of the climax, where Junjin could possibly die. But, instead of reminiscing, I found it confusing, especially parts where the flashbacks had no links to the climax at all. The problem lies in the wrong choices of scenes.

Writing Style: 4.5/5
You had a unique style of writing, with your chapters written in quite short sentences. Surprisingly, I felt that you had done an excellent job. Your story flows very smoothly, even when the sentences were short and sweet. This proves that simplicity is the best. You allowed the readers to find beauty within the simplicity of the words. Well done.

However, if you want your writing style to be more distinctive, you have to write more and gain experiences.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Oh I have got to admit I really like this story. I found this story to be really sweet.

I would highly recommend this story to those who go for sweet romance. =)

Bonus marks: 4/5
2 marks for the efforts you have put in.
2 marks for the enjoyment you have given me. =]

Total mark: 75/100

Additional comments: I’m sorry this review came so late. Hope you will like this review! :D

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr
-

Existing, Forever.

2008-06-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

Title: Existing, Forever
Author: halky
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/halky6/
Reviewed By: v

Title: 6/10
The title did sound a little alluring. But it doesn't seem to really have a link with the story. At the end of the story, it was written, "The whole happy family ran towards the court and giggled happily. There they are, and would always be, existing, forever." But I do not see how they will be there existing forever. I thought it would fit better if it was changed to, perhaps, the couple's love or the happiness and stuffs like that.

Poster & Background: 8/10
I liked the choice of having a gray background. The dark emotions on the top of the poster and the vibrant colour below. To me, the top represents the struggle Arron and Hebe went through during the time she was sick, and the vibrant colours shows the state of happiness the family were in in the end.

Great job on that!

Foreword: 7/10
I enjoyed the forewords. It explained the reason for their marriage and how their character in the beginning. Arron being the unfriendly cold groom and Hebe the submissive bride, helpless to both the marriage and Arron's unkindness.

Cast Used: 2/5
Many authors have been pairing Arron and Hebe together. It's always the unfriendly Arron paired up with a kind-hearted and vulnerable Hebe. And then Arron becomes friendly and loving. Characters and their personalities are somewhat predictable.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
Forced marriage, diseased, limited time to live. We have read that all many times, even in television shows or movies. But Hebe on a wheelchair, a marriage in a beautiful gown on a wheelchair - this makes the story a little different.

Story & Plotting: 9/15
I thought it was quite predictable. And the plot on sickness and forced marriage had been widely overused.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Mistakes are inevitable. But still, I think you did great (:

Flow Of Story: 8/10
I felt that it went on pretty fast. A whole lot of the story was not told. Maybe that's your writing style, I am not sure. But I thought, perhaps, if the part on Hebe struggling to live is elaborated, the emotions will be better portrayed.

Writing Style: 4/5
You are quite descriptive, and I like that. It allows one to really imagine everything going on, the way the story was told, in one's mind. At least, it was like that for me.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
I would have really enjoyed it if the story was longer and much elaborated.
But you did great (:

Bonus marks: 2/5
For dedicating the last chapter to them to thank your readers for reading.

Total mark: 69/100

Additional comments:
I’ve finished reading a couple of days ago, but I was rushing through my report assignments (note the 's'). Sorry for the late review. I’ll hope to hear from you again through story reviews. And good luck with your remaining and future fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Unspoken Feeling

2008-06-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

Title: Unspoken Feeling

Author: -shratlen-

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/shratlen/

Reviewed By: Lamer_

Disclamer: The review below is clearly just a penny of my thought, So no offence to anyone..

Title: 6/10

Title looks nice.. :) Sound a little sad for me?? But it does attract my attention if I see it at the winglin main page, I'll tempted to click on it..

Poster & Background : 6/10

First look, it's quite nice.. But on closer look, I find the poster a little too overly populated, with the cast picture.. It make the overall feel a little messy.. Do take note about it.. I feel the quote are a little too much(i mean, too wordly), I feel it's best to break them up and place them around a suitable place so it won't look so messy like what it is now(i mean, the words are all located at the same spot which made it look so crowded, making it worse for the whole poster feel.). But, I do like the pinky-ness and sweetness that the poster emit out, which match with the theme.. Background wise, i find the word colour of the story clash a little with it.. Do take note of that also..

Forewords: 4/10

Cast list clearly listed out.. Intro is nice.. Quote are not bad.. :) However, when I read on, I find that it's quite similar to the story out in the winglin site(romance) and sound a little cliché.. Marks down for that.. Overall, not too bad.. :)

Cast Used: 2/5

The pairing was great.. Characterizations wise, I do see some effort you put in for it.. However, they are not clearly well portrayed, more can be done to enhance it.. :)

Originality & Creativity: 4/15

Not too much originality.. Like what I mention, it's somehow or rather quite similar to story out there for romance type like your's.. However, you did try to add on to make it more, intersting(I had to confess, it doesn't work too much for me).. Instead of Triangle love, you add on another guy to make it more complicated.. Good try?? Yet, they sound too plain to me.. I strongly suggest you add in more emotional aspect of the character plus a bit more interaction between the character will do the trick.. :) I also hope you add in more twist and surprises the reader.. :)

Story & Plotting: 5/15

Storyline and plotting is quite common.. Quite predictable, which tends to bore readers out.. So I strongly suggest you to inject more surprise to make the story more interesting.. :) More emotional development of the character would be a plus.. Try to expand the relationship of the character out more and let the reader's imagination run wild.. :)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/10

I had a quite hard time trying to read your story.. Spelling mistakes are flying all over the place.. Tense are wrong at times.. I can see that you have a limited vocabulary, try adding in more to made the story more, nice and better.. :) For spelling wise, I strongly advise you, either you type this out in microsoft word (which will correct every mistake you do) or find a beta reader whom you can trust to correct your mistake(it can be your good friend, or even your cousin or relative who has a better command of the language).. Don't worry, Practise makes perfect.. So continue writting and I believe you can improve.. :)

Flow Of Story: 5/10

I find your story speed quite, unstable.. You move too fast at some part, yet, move too slowly at certain part.. Try to find your right tempo of writting.. I believe everything will be fine after it.. :)

Writing Style: 2/5

Nothing much can be commented in here.. But 1 thing i wanted to comment about it.. Script form style makes your story more messy in some sense that you tend to overlook little detail in you story..

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

I did enjoy the story a little.. :) Nothing much to said.. I just hope you can improve on your spelling part.. Other then that, everything is quite all right overall.. :)

Bonus marks: 2/5

One mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the readers comments..

Total mark: 44

Additional comments:

Practise makes perfect for language wise.. Don't be too upset about your marks.. See it as a form of motivation for you to strike better in the near future.. Good luck in your story then..

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr

Confession

2008-06-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Title: Confession

Author: iris_jade13

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/irisJade13/

Reviewed By: Lamer_

Disclamer: The below review is purely just penny of my thought.. No offence to anyone out there..

Title: 9/10

Title looks pretty good. It’s one word, short, sweet and outstanding..

Poster & Background : 9/10

I love the poster totally.. It's really nice and matches well with the theme of the story.. :)

Forewords: 6.5/10

Honestly speaking, your forewords sounds a little cliché to me.. A loves B, then suddenly C came out, breaking them apart.. It's a typical idol drama love story which can be found all over in winglin.. I can see your efforts in coming up with it. However, do take extra attention towards the language segment. No offence, Just a penny of my thought..

Cast Used: 1/5
The only thing I got from the story was that, Arron was a jerk, Hebe was stupid and Rainie was a bitch(sorry for the rude words).. And I feel that Hebe is weird as well. Who in the right mind would stand under the rain JUST to get sick so that the guy would come for her.. I think the girl must be really desperate for love. And it irks me as a feminist.

The characters felt like a paper characters or puppets that was just seriously boring..

Not to mention, I have no idea whether to call your choice of male character a mismatch or creative by making Arron (the usual nice guy)the jerk..

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
I think you are suffering a aftereffect of an overdose of TVB or Taiwanese drama. Nono, not Taiwanese idol drama but those 100 over episodes of over theatrical drama that “aunties” with nothing to do watch in the afternoon to kill time. Overdone as it may, but they keep the aunt attention span.
But even that is better than your story.
They can chase after one show for YEARS..
Unlike yours..

Let me summarises your story.. Hebe and Arron were together, then Rainie, who so HAPPENED to be the Hebe’s best friend was caught in bed with Arron. .Then Arron rejected Hebe.. Hebe goes overseas.. When she was going to get married, Arron came and confessed his undying love for Hebe.

If it ended there, it might be called CLICHÉ. But sadly, you went on…

Rainie knocked Arron down in jealousy.. Arron died..

My reaction was this: Oh, My God.. It is so, Dramatic?? A little too much drama to be added on?? Overdoing it??

Story & Plotting: 4/15
Paragraph 1 of your story reminds me of a story we always wrote in Primary School.. You stare out of the window and you recall something. It’s more over then cliché..

Anyhow, on with the rest of the story.. The word to classify it is OVERLY drama. You tried to incorporate so much ‘climax’ in your storyline. So much so that I feel like in a horribly boring coaster ride and can’t wait to get down any sooner.. And yes, they were all 'climax’ without forming any images in my head because your descriptions were rather vague..
I appreciate the fact that you try to add in surprising elements into the story, but I think you overdid it totally.. Was there really a need to make Arron die and Rainie knock him over? ?

Overall, your fic feels weird ..

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
Fluctuating tenses got on my nerves.

And I wonder if you have been listening to your primary school teacher when he/she taught you grammar because, basic grammar says that after a modal verb is the root form of the word.. Wait?? Are you lost?? Let me illustrate..

You wrote “does not deserves” but it should be “does not DESERVE”

You wrote “will never spent her time” but it should be “will never SPEND”

Get it?

I couldn’t help but wonder at this one, “lady’s high heels shoe”(it's shoes by the way, i guess either you miss it or you completely forgotten about it)..

Flow Of Story: 2/10

Besides the fact that in the second paragraph you said that the incident happened five years ago, you were writing a dateless fairytale.. How long had Arron and Hebe been together?? And Hebe MARRIED?? Won’t they suppose to be in High School?? Are you trying to do a parody of married at 18?? Do you know that if a child marries before 21 she needs parental consent?? Not to mention I cannot understand how a 21th century woman would want to marry before she hit university (unless she got pregnant that is).. Plain illogical..

Writing Style: 2/5
You sentences tend to be super linear and it goes something like, She said this, She did this, She said this…. And it makes reading your story absolutely boring, like reading a 10 year old kid writing her first composition??

Moreover, I don’t see any emotion being poured into the story at all.. You seemed to be more interested in telling the readers 101 things happened than to involve them in the characters’ inner turmoil..

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
I did not enjoy your fic.. Seriously..

I’m hesitant to read further on starting from the forewords.. The unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' put me off.. I can see that you are trying hard to make a twist for the story, yet I think, you either, overdo it, or, you really wanted to write something so exciting to attracted the reader(but sadly, it doesn't really work for me)..

Bonus marks: 2/5

One mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the reader’s comment..

Total mark: 47.5

Additional comments:

Don't get too upset about you mark.. Serious speaking, your story ain't that bad.. But adding in too much unnecessary 'climax' and 'drama' just put me off.. Maybe you can try harder next time.. I really can see your effort writing, so keep writting.. Practise make prefect.. :) Motivate yourself to do better next time then.. :)

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr

A Penny for Your Thoughts

2008-06-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

Title: A Penny for Your Thoughts
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/yunho_hawt/
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 5/5

I cannot comment on the creativity and thought put into the title. However, what I can do though is comment on how the plot intertwines with the title. It took me a while to understand and when I did, I was shocked as to how you managed to have us read the title in such an imaginative way. A penny for your thoughts wasn’t merely just a metaphor but you actually read it in a literal way. It’s really unique in the way you have explored the title and made it fantastical.

Poster & Background: 0.5/5

Again, I cannot comment on the poster since it was the challenge’s poster. The background was left blank so not points there. However, the font colour matched with the poster and wasn’t too light to read over the white background.

Foreword: 8/10

Your foreword was short and precise. It gave a nice description of Her personality and a minimal head start to the story. Not only that, you managed to leave the reader hanging on, wanting to know more about the Him. It would have been better if you changed the part where she explained about how nobody looks for her. It doesn’t explain why she was overwhelmed with surprise, thus it looks out of place. Other than that, it was good.

Cast Used: 3/5

I thought it was really, how can I word this? …Cool that you managed to not reveal the character’s name and left it to the reader’s imagination according to the descriptions that you have written. The character’s personality and qualities were constant throughout the whole story. The character that seemed to pop out of nowhere was Vennane. It really took me by surprise, and confused me. Nothing led up to his appearance, it was very sudden. I wasn’t sure of his character though. His title was God of Punishment, right? Shouldn’t he live up to that title by actually be sort of menacing instead of turning a blind eye to his mate?

Originality & Creativity: 13/15

Of course this was creative, it’s a fantasy genre. If it wasn’t creative then you have failed in writing the story! It was quite a twist at the end; I thought it was merely just a romantic story between a mysterious and handsome chap and a girl. The thought of him being an angel never crossed my mind. However, the mushy scenes at the beginning were very typical. It’s hard to be creative in romance when it is so common, but with a little brainstorming it can be done.

Story & Plotting: 9/15

Your story didn’t have much storyline to it. It just seemed as though each chapter was to show the good times the two had and the love they shared. It wasn’t until the very end that the story actually had some depth. How he was brought back to heaven and managed to keep his memories and immortality. I liked the concept of how you used ‘A penny for your thoughts’ in a literal way. He actually gave her a penny in exchange for her memories (thoughts). Quite sad.

Lovely poem by the way

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

I couldn’t find any spelling errors and the vocabulary was quite well done. The only problem was the repetitiveness of some words. Be more creative in that area and use a wide range of words. Barely any grammar errors.

Flow of Story: 6/10

The flow of the story is a bit choppy. When I first read it (to review it that is), I thought it was strange how he was already being so smitten with her. Some of the chapters don’t flow, for example, the death of her grandma was a totally out of the blue. The appearance of Vennane as well. Took me off guard and made me think that I had missed something. At first, the story was progressing at an even tempo but then it fell into bits and pieces as it neared the end. It wasn’t exactly rushed; it just sort of fell apart.

Writing Style: 3/5

One liner paragraphs. Simple and easy to read, but it won’t hurt to add in more descriptions. Paint the picture of the readers to imagine it they way you want them to.

I liked the way you managed to keep the reader’s interest from the simplicity of its format. They way you ended each chapter was quite nice as well. There was a nice short concluding sentence that made me want read on.

The thing that irritated me was how you placed both a question and exclamation mark together [?!]. Don’t be indecisive and just pick one of them to use!

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

I can’t choose whether I enjoyed this story more at the beginning or at the end, but I certainly didn’t enjoy both. The beginning had more flow but the storyline was mushy. The ending had a better storyline but was choppy. The one thing I did appreciate was the simplicity of the writing style, very easy to read.

Bonus marks: 4/5

One point for replying to readers. Another for attempting to play a game with them (which I won XD). And two points for dedicating it to me! (>o<)

Total mark: 66.5/90

Additional comments:

Sorry for the extremely dodgy review! I’ve been doing this a little bit by little bit so there may be times when I contradict myself~ Blame the exams I have to study for!!

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

A Penny For Your Thoughts

2008-06-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

Title: A Penny For Your Thoughts
Author: Shattered Teardrops
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_bittersweet/
Reviewed By: v

Title: -/10
Since it's a Midnight-Tree challenge and the title is fixed. I shall take this section out of the review.

Poster & Background: 8/10
A very pretty poster. The colours are soothing to my eyes and artistically blended with the cast and the hands of the clock. The background is mostly plain and the little picture at the side is pretty washed out, which is good because it does not distract me from reading the fan fiction.

Forewords: 7/10
An innocent introduction of the characters’ childhood. I like how the short and simple sentences tells so much, and allows one to visualize the characters in the head.

The forewords gave a little introduction to the characters involved in the story.

Cast Used: 3/5
I’m not really familiar with the K-Pop. Hence, I’ll rate this section by the personality and characteristics you’ve injected into the characters (which to me, would be just names – if without a personality).

The story is half developed. And I wished I could drag this review request till you’ve finished the story. But I guess ying and you would have killed me by then. HA!

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
It’s a generally nice story. Deducted marks were for the a-little-bit cliché “meeting childhood best friend again after many years”.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
The story has just started developing, and it’s getting me quite glued to the computer screen (waiting for updates, that is). It’s hard not to wonder if BoA will allow herself and Jae Joong a chance, or go along with the marriage with the almost-the-best-man-on-Earth Yunho that was already planned.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
You’ve got a good command of English, really.
And I’ve yet to find faults with your fan fiction.
But nobody’s perfect! So, it’s hard to really award full marks for Language.

Flow Of Story: 8/10
Perfect. It wasn’t too fast, neither was it that slow.

Writing Style: 4/5
I like your writing style. Simple and direct words without much really hard to understand words. It allows you to carry the information to readers effectively. I like (:

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Yes, till now, I’ve liked the fan fiction.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For replying to readers’ comments without fail.
It’s hard, I know.

Total mark: 70/90
Additional comments:
I had actually finished a couple of days ago, but I procrastinated for a few days. And POOF! Another updated chapter! HA. My apologies, for the delay in the submission of review!
Good luck with the rest of the story and your other fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Love Grows, Our’s Blossom

2008-06-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

Title: Love Grows, Our’s Blossom
Author: Mandy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Koolzgirlz
Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 5/10
This title is okay. Wells, I could just picture a typical romance almost immediately when I first see this title. Nothing special and nothing interesting.
Oh anyway, if you realise, there’s grammatical error in your title. It should be “Love Grows, Ours Blossom”. There’s no such word as “our’s”.

Poster & Background: 6.5/10
The poster was quite pretty. However the blend wasn’t really done beautifully. It still looks awkward to me. Wells, I guess I can leave it to you to request for some changes from your designer.

I did like the background very much. However, it’s such a pity your font isn’t the right colour. I had some difficulty reading some parts when the pink font clashes with the pink in your background.

Foreword: 2/10
I have to fail you in this criterion because there isn’t prologue of any sort that. Yes, I just hate to see a prologue missing. This is a real serious problem here, because if you fail to make the readers want to click the next button, that’s it. You will lose your readers. It would definitely be better if you could just include a short prologue, preferably a bombshell to keep your readers in suspense.

Oh, I could see a short character introduction but it didn’t seem to be able to interest me as well. I’m fine with character introduction although I would prefer authors to plan the characterisation of the characters throughout the story. Remember to include a longer character introduction. It’s too short to really interest the readers.

Nevertheless, I gave you two marks for your efforts.

Cast Used: 3/5
Oh quite refreshing. I don’t think I have tried any fanfic on this pairing yet.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I have a word to describe the plot of your story - “cliché”.

A typical romance that starts with one bumping into another accidentally, and was attracted to another almost immediately… Then the story went on with them going out together. The climax was nothing special too; just an appearance of a third party and the female cast contracting cancer. If you were to read a summary like this, how far do you think you can sustain your interest in this fanfic? So, now, do you see the problem? The storyline there is cliché, which posed as a high danger that may bore your readers. Therefore, my point is, try to be more creative. No doubt, easier said than done, what I can offer is some suggestions for you to come up with your own ideas.

1) Try to expose yourself to media, example magazines etc. In magazines and newspaper, you’ll be surprised by how ideas will come popping into your head and ignite your inspiration.

2) Be open-minded. Be daring to try what others have not tried before. After all, writing is piece of work that belongs to you, and nobody else. You can write anything you want.

3) Start with simple ideas. You’ll be surprised by the beauty of simplicity.

Story & Plotting: 8.5/15
I shan’t double penalise you for your storyline. As I have said before, remember to be more creative.

As for the organisation of ideas, there’s still room for improvement. You did manage to sustain a little interest in the readers and making them want to read more at the end of the chapters, however more should be done. Remember, winglin is site where fanfics are required to be updated frequently. It is very important for readers to be able to sustain interest in the readers long enough. Therefore, I would highly recommend you to plan a small climax at the end of every chapter to keep the readers in suspense.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6/10
There were careless mistakes here and there throughout the story that you should be careful of. Spellings mistakes and grammer mistakes can be avoided if you make it an effort to check every chapter before posting up them next time.

Another problem is your way of expression. I’m not sure whether you’re facing problems expressing yourself that’s why your story has been written in quite a bizarre and immature manner. For example, you tend to drawl your words to place emphasis on certain situations.

Sample 1 : “Yan was sooooo mad that he had contradicted her, she walked away.”

Sample 2 : “Chris was very, very, mad and also jealous.”

Now you can see how you drawl your words and using the technique of repetition to place emphasis on your point. Of course, it’s not wrong to do that. However, it sounded as though you’re the narrator of this story and you’re reading a story to your audience. That should not be the way. You should leave your readers to find the beauty within words and imagine, not you telling them everything.

Sample 1 and 2 can be improved by adding descriptions to show HOW angry the protagonists were. For example, simple ones would be “burning with rage” and “he was turning purple with anger” etc.

Another problem you had is organisation. You tend to write all dialogues in one single paragraph, which is a big NO-NO. Only one dialogue in one paragraph please.

Sample 3:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....." He said slowly,"Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

It can be reorganised as following.

Sample 4:
The man wasn't surprised,"Oh....."
He said slowly, “Well you were gonna get out of line... So I have the right to budge you, don't I? Or are you going to go and get the police to put me in jail for budging?"

Also, don’t include more than one “and” in your sentence!

Flow of Story: 6/10
The flow of story is inconsistent and irregular, sometimes slow and sometimes too fast. For example, this chapter you’re talking about the separation and the next you’re talking about Yan collapsing. That’s too fast and abrupt. You’re not giving the readers enough time to digest the facts and get them right. Thus, it is important that you learn to control the pace of the story.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
I believe you’re still quite new at writing…? That’s something to consider because it really takes time for authors to develop their own distinctive writing style. Anyway, for the benefit of doubt, I gave you a pass. Gain more experiences and you’ll soon develop your own writing style.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/10
I was skimming through most of the chapters, or should I say, I’m practically skipping most of the parts because I could almost prognosticate what will happen next. Too boring, even for a leisure read. I’m definitely not enjoying myself here. However, I have got to admit that there are some parts which I find them to be quite sweet. Keep it up.

Bonus marks: 5/5
I would like to give you 5 bonus marks to encourage you. I can see the efforts you’re putting in, so I don’t want to make the review sound disparaging and hurtful. Continue to work hard and I anticipate more improvements from you. =)

Total mark: 55/100
Additional comments: With regards to the “additional information” you left in the review request form, I decided I should give you a reply. You said, “I want you to review my story as soon possible. Please and thanks.” I’m sorry but I really find the word “want” used here disturbing because you sounded as though you’re bossing me around and I don’t really like the sound of that. I believe you don’t mean it, and perhaps you wrote it unintentionally. All I want to say is please be careful with your words next time. I’m afraid others might be offended and might even reject your request if you sounded impolite regardless of your original intention.

If you have enquiries, please feel free to contact via Midnight Tree.

Good luck and all the best to your story! :)

**Special comments: With regards to some impolite comments in the comment box, personally I strongly disapprove of people hiding behind another pseudonym and disparage others’ fanfics. Mandy has already made it clear, or in fact, she has already proclaimed her story as similar to the drama so you shouldn’t be saying she’s plagarising. That’s all I intended to say.

Reviewed by (Lovie) @midnight-tree.co.nr
-

~~ The Geeky Princess ~~

2008-06-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

Title: ~*~ The Geeky Princess ~*~
Author: Taelia
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/taelia
Reviewed By: Yuki.

Title: 4/10
The title failed to leave a deep impression on me of any sort. Yes, it might be more for clichéd lovers but I didn’t like the decorations you included because it appeared somewhat immature. However, it was nice to capitalize the beginning of each word because it was portrayed in tidier way.

Poster & Background: 0/10
I’m terribly sorry for the 0 I’m giving you in this section but your story is without a poster or background, an effort wasn’t made to change the font colours to at least beautify the page a little. A poster and background is rather essential for a story because many readers get attracted by them, so please request from a site or even make your own.

Foreword: 2/10
There wasn’t really much in the forewords, no extract, and no prologue. There was only a brief introduction of characters and only the names were given. I understand that people seldom read the forewords but a handful of people do. It is essential to put up the forewords to attract people into reading your story.

Cast Used: 4/5
ChaeYeon seems like your typical average girl, but with a complicated background. I guess that’s one thing different from the other female leads in other stories. I liked it even though she seemed strong, she was quite vulnerable and afraid. (E.g Chapter 2-3) I got confused when there were many male characters in the story popping out, it made me momentarily think that the male lead could be them instead. I liked that sense of mystery though.

PS I like the Super Junior assassin group idea xD.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15
I would say the starting of your story didn’t appeal much because it gave the impression of ‘playboy falls in love with beautiful girl’ thing, but it was quite intriguing reading ChaeYeon’s story, I must say. It was more or less a mixture of clichéd plots so it appealed more and held a sense of mystery.

Story&Plotting: 9/15
Your story was certainly well plotted from the beginning; everything was well explained and planned. It was rather confusing but detailed enough, you did put in much effort in planning everything. The story started well because it remained quite a mystery when the limelight turned to ChaeYeon and left JunSu hanging.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6/10
There was a fair amount of descriptions for their actions and appearance. The descriptions were quite general most of the time, like just ‘smile’, ‘looked’ and so on. A problem lies with your punctuation; you use too many full stops when it’s supposed to be a comma instead. Also, when there should be a comma, you don’t use any punctuation so the whole sentence becomes one whole mess. It’s a little hard to read, you should really take note of that. Occasionally, there are certain signs of slang. (e.g but what to do) I spotted several typing errors too, perhaps you should take some time to scan through your work before posting up another chapter.

Flow Of Story: 10/10
The story was well-paced, nothing was rushed. The characters were well introduced at the right time.

Writing Style: 2/5
Honestly, I got rather turned off by the paragraphs because one paragraph is very long, it is easy for readers to get lost in the paragraph. (e.g. first chapter) It wasn’t stated clearly between his thoughts, action and the message he sent to his friend. Everything was squeezed into one paragraph, therefore making everything difficult to understand. The dialogues were especially confusing because of the same problem. Other than that, everything is alright.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I did enjoy your story, I like how ChaeYeon’s character stood out as a female lead compared to other stories.

Bonus marks: 4/5
I would definitely faint if I had to put in so much detail into a story. I think you did an amazing job in explaining stuff even though it was hard work and I applaud you for that.

Total mark: 56/100

Reviewed By: Yuki.@midnight-tree.co.nr

So Dense!

2008-06-06T09:43:00.001-07:00

Title: So Dense!
Author: :) sydney
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/sydnee04
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 4/10

~ The title is comical and it already says a lot about the story. Points for that. However, the word ‘dense’ is a bit overused if you ask me. As for whether the title is appealing or not, I think it’s not that appealing and creatively crafted. I think you could have thought of a much better title.

Poster & Background: n/a

~ You said you change the banner/poster from time to time? Okay, I’ll accept that. But I won’t rate on this part of the review. Besides, there’s also no background.

Forewords: 5/10

~ It was straight and bluntly put. It gave away the plot and left little to the reader’s imaginations. It was not also that well-crafted so points off for that. I’d have to give in some points for the straight character list and descriptions. It’s better than nothing, right? Also, I give points for effort.

Cast Used: 4/5

~ I do know the artists you used in your story. I am neither a fan nor a hater so I’m pretty much just neutral. I love how you characterized Kim Eun Rae’s personality. Other than that, the Big Bang Boys’ personality were pretty much the same. They were all helpful to Eun Rae and in one way or the other has seen the real her with the exception of course, of Seung Ri who stands out as the dense one.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15

~ Originality-wise, this isn’t exactly the most original plot. I have read other stories about fans being able to live under the same roof with their idols. It’s a common plot in Winglin standards really. Also, it is a bit unbelievable because Big Bang is an idol group. They don’t spend as much free time as you portray them to have in your fic.

Creativity-wise, you weaved each chapter quite well. Although I think you could do a lot better. Why don’t you put them in a complex situation like for example, Big Bang’s manager found out that Eun Rae is living with the boys which is against the rules. You know, some complicated dilemma that they all help out to solve.

Story and Plotting: 6/10

~ As I’ve said, it’s cliché. Case closed. Story-wise, on the other hand, well, it is no rushed. It is actually well-paced except for the fact that, well, you did not mention Eun Rae ever explaining to all the Big Bang boys what really happened to her. You only narrated that she told Tae Yang about her situation. This makes it safe for me to assume that the other Big Bang boys don’t really know her situation, right? I think you must clarify all these points in your story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

~ Spelling-wise, there were minor typographical errors. Grammar-wise, it’s a so-so, nothing special but I you could still improve. Vocabulary-wise, you have a substantially good command of the English language. I think that’ll do but of course, there’s always room for improvement.

Flow of the Story: 6/10

~ It is well-paced but a bit unrealistic. I like how Big Bang boys help Eun Rae hook up with Seung Ri and I do get a feeling that while they’re helping Eun Rae get Seung Ri, each one of them would somehow fall for her. I’ve read a lot of fics so I think your story is a bit predictable.

Writing Style: 2/5

~ First, I am not a fan of one-liner paragraphs. I have been endlessly repeating this line with every story that I review. Now, one again, your story has lots of one-liners. Okay, one-liner paragraphs makes a chapter look empty. It doesn’t compare with the level of writing a decent paragraph, one that is composed of several sentences that support the main sentence and form a similar thought. I think you should consider putting your one-liner paragraphs into a decent paragraph.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

~ I enjoyed your story but it was my enjoyment was a bit short-lived. She has been getting close to all the other Big Bang boys but never got a chance to spend some personal time with Seung Ri. Half-way through all your chapters, I think I got bored. The only chapter I did enjoy the most was the one with the water fight going on between them.

Bonus Marks: 3/5

~ You do reply to your readers and you take time to work on creative banners for your story. I think these deserve some points.

Total Mark:

~ 47/90

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

My Last Serenade

2008-06-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Title: My Last Serenade
Author: CoOkies
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/CoOkies/
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 5/10

~ The title sounded classic. Even though it’s overused because it’s a common title, it still sounds so elegant. I gave merits for your classic choice of title but I got points off because the title isn’t exactly original. Also, what is the relevance of your title to your story? I’ve read all the thirty chapters you wrote and I did not find any clue as to why the title became as such. I have to take points off for that.

Poster & Background: 6/10

~ The poster is nice. I liked the quote you placed on it. It’s really meaningful. But I feel that you could have had a better poster, one that could better represent your story in terms of theme.

As for the poster, it doesn’t obstruct my reading and it clearly shows that your story is a romance story, so I gave points for that.

Forewords: 5/10

~ Your character description is short and concise, not really that catchy but it is good enough. It’s better than nothing, right? I will give out points for its clearness though I feel that you could have done a lot better than this.

Cast Used: 3/5

~ I know S.H.E., Wu Chun & Calvin Chen but I am neither a fan nor a hater of them. Characterization-wise, I like how you characterized Ella. I can just imagine her perfectly being clumsy. And at the first few chapters, I liked how you managed to portray Hebe’s little crush on Chun and how Chun was a bit regretful when he became rude to Ella. I just don’t like how they act all so childish. Like in one part where Ella warned Hebe about Chun and she went defensive then Selina explained for Ella and then Hebe ran to Ella and hugged her. That was so childish. They argue and then they hug. If they were mature in the first place, they wouldn’t argue over a small thing. What I didn’t like was the shallowness of the characters. Yes, you did bring out their usual attitudes and behaviors but you did not show how they would react in certain extreme situations.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

~ Originality-wise, this is original but shallow and unrealistic. I feel that it is lacking. In what sense? Well, for one, you did not clearly describe how they felt and what they thought. Also, I think Calvin fell in love too immediately with Angela. That is very unrealistic. Yes, he may have been enthralled by her beauty but to say that he was already in love with her was… shall I say, too unbelievable?

On the other hand, creativity-wise, I think it’s not that creative. A lot of things in the story can be improved. Well, you could start on improving your story by changing your one-liner paragraphs. I’m not really a fan of one-liner paragraphs because they make a chapter look empty. Dear, you should consider writing a decent paragraph.

Story & Plotting: 5/15

~ This story is a bit shallow because the plot is quite common. I mean, basically, there were no conflicts at all except for the pairings. And what happened to Hebe? You did not even include her reaction when she knew about Chun and Ella. Also, with Chun dying, I think it was a bit off-track and uncalled for. It made the ending disappointing but I think it was not the best ending for your story. The mood for the whole fic was cute, cheerful and complex that it just didn’t click in with the ending. I’d have to take points off for these but I gave out points for effort.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

~ First of all, I am a spelling/grammar freak. Mistakes in both areas are an eye-sore for me. I’ve been reading and reviewing all sorts of fics so I have developed this strong distaste for major spelling and grammatical errors which, I should mention often occur in the chapters of your fic.

These are some of the mistakes I really took note of apart from the many other mistakes I’ve encountered. Just a piece of advice: proof read. Do proof read your chapters and check for errors before posting your chapters. It’s every author’s responsibility.

MISTAKES:

Chapter One:

“…Yupp, Hope to see you guys there, and rememeber (remember) get home safe, cherish your family, music love (don’t you mean love music?) and stay in school…”

“…Was all the girls could here (hear) as they sped away onto the streets…”

CHAPTER SIX

“Its (It’s) okay.. I’m sure someone (‘is’ should be placed here) appreciative of your work.”

“Hey.. sorry.. but you look reallyyy (I don’t get why you add on extra letters at the end? Is that reallyyy necessary?) familiar. Have we met someone (don’t you mean ‘somewhere’?)? ..Or did we hook up and I’ve never called you back or something???”

Chapter seven

Unfortuantly (Unfortunately)

Chapter twelve

“So Ella who’s your man?? He cutes..(Don’t you mean ‘he’s cute’?)” Hebe smiled

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

He suddenly came to realisation (realization) of what (insert ‘he’ here) has become after the fall.

Chapter nineteen

“ You know what Chun… your (you’re) turning into those old ladies now, like from the markets. Hehe.. you should just quite you day job…” Ella said jokily (jokingly).

For spelling, I’d have take some points off seeing how you have a lot of typos in your chapters. Some typos are forgivable but when they occur in every chapter, I think that makes it necessary for me to point it out to you and take off some points. Also, I don’t really appreciate how you add in extra letters at the end of some words like ‘Reallyyy’ and also the spelling of ‘yeah’ is Y-E-AH and not ‘yerh’.

For Grammar, you have missing words and sometimes a misuse of ‘there’ and ‘their’ and ‘its’ and ‘it’s’. You also do some minor tense-shifting so I’ll take a few points off for that too.

For vocabulary, I think you have a passable command of the English language but I’d have to say that there is still plenty of room for improvement.

Flow of Story: 4/10

~ The story is shallow. No major conflict hence it is not strong and the whole thing was unrealistic. I was waiting for a climax and a major conflict to turn up between the characters but obviously, I was disappointed.

Writing Style: 2/5

~ I am not a fan of one-liners. I prefer a decent paragraph. There is really nothing astounding in your writing style. It’s just like the usual writing style of a majority of authors found in Winglin. I think you can still improve. Why don’t you try putting your one-liners in a decent paragraph?

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

~ There were some points in your story that I did enjoy but with each chapter I read, my enjoyment was not sustained. It was sort of cute at first but eventually it died down. It’s not really that interesting.

Bonus Marks: 2/5

~ You do reply to your readers, I think this deserve some points.

Total Mark: 43/100

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Generation X

2008-06-05T02:33:00.000-07:00

Title: Generation X
Author: Jeong Eun-hoon
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/generationx/
Reviewed by: shattered tearsdrop

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 4/10

~ Okay, basically, when I read your title, I sort of had the idea that maybe your fic was a sci-fi one because the title certainly sounded like one. You know like Generation Y and whatever generation. But when I read your forewords, it was then that the title became clear. The ‘X’ is actually the Roman numeral for ‘ten’, meaning Generation 10 or tenth generation. Now, the title is actually a bit misleading and I’m sure most of the readers also misunderstood this point. I do hope you could change it to a more creative one. It is also not that appealing and a bit unattractive. I gave out the points for the obvious relation of the title to the story.

Poster & Background: 5/10

~ The poster is nice, yes, but I feel that it is lacking. It doesn’t even show reference or relation to the story, except for Kim Eun Jung’s pictures which obviously showed that she’s a model. Also, I would have preferred if you had bigger pictures of the main artists. As for the background, it allows the poster to stand out and it does not disrupt my reading, so points for that.

Forewords: 4/10

~ First of all, I’m a spelling/grammar freak. I was quite a bit disappointed when I found several typographical errors on your forewords alone. I mean, at least do some proof-reading before posting up a chapter, or for this instance, your forewords. Apart from spelling, your forewords already revealed a lot about your plot which obviously spoils everything. I think you should leave out a bit of the details.

The character profiles were straight and direct to the point. I think you could have done it in a more creative way but it’s just fine as it is. It’s better than nothing, right?

Cast Used: 3/5

~ I know Rain and Kim Eun-jung. I am familiar with them but I am neither a fan nor a hater so I’m pretty much in between. With only two chapters, I can’t really judge if I like their character or not. They seem to instantly hate each other the moment they met. I can only guess that it’s because of the arranged marriage. I haven’t read much conflict and backgrounds on both characters because your story has only two chapters so far, so I can’t rate your effectiveness in characterization. The points were given because I appreciate how you portrayed them instantly hating each other despite the unfamiliarity between them.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15

~ To put it bluntly, your plot is cliché. It’s overused and definitely cliché. I’ve already encountered stories about arranged marriages and I can only guess how many stories there are in Winglin with the same plot. I can’t really say whether your story is creative or not because again, it has only two chapters. And those chapters only described how they met, what they thought of each other and finally, when they were informed that they were going to live with each other. I can’t really judge because these situations are… hmmm… shall I say, basically overused? Points were for effort.

Story & Plotting: 5/15

~ Story-wise, again, I can’t judge because it’s just starting out. I suggest you write up more chapters first and then maybe ask for another review if you’ve written solid chapters with different and more complex conflicts and situations. Plot-wise, it’s cliché. Case closed. Points were for effort.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

~ As I’ve said, I’m a spelling/grammar freak. You have a serious case of typographical errors. Grammar-wise, I think it’s a so-so. You are consistent in using the past tense in your chapters so I think that deserves points. Vocabulary-wise, you have a passable command of the English language so I don’t have any problem at all.

Flow of the Story: 4/10

~ Cliché is only equal to predictable. I’m guessing that their hatred for each other sprung from the fact that they both did not like being in an arranged marriage. Also, I think they will keep bickering with each other until they unconsciously find out that they’ve actually fallen for each other already. Then, of course, there will be the entrance of a third character, one that will complete a love triangle and brew up some jealousy. Other times, there will two additional characters which will want to break the main couple apart. Did I tell you that your story reminded me of Rain’s Full House series?

Writing Style: 2/5

~ As much as I am not a fan of one-liner paragraphs, I am also not a fan of cramped up paragraphs with no spaces in between. Your chapters seriously need some editing. Some spaces between paragraphs won’t hurt. You know what are the implications of having no spaces between paragraphs? It makes the whole chapter look crowded and cramped. It’s not fun to read it like that. Points were for effort. Another thing, I appreciate it that you wrote your chapter titles in Korean, but in doing so, you did not give chance to the readers who do not read Korean scripts to understand what the chapter titles mean. I also appreciate it that you placed some Korean terms (e.g. Kyiyoum) but I think you could have placed translations either at the top or at the bottom of your chapter in order to make non-Korean readers understand what those terms meant.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10

~ The length of your story made it difficult for me to judge whether I have enjoyed it or not. But if I were to judge according to what I’ve read so far, I would have to say, I did not. The plot is cliché and overused. The story is predictable. What’s there to enjoy? Points were again, for effort. I’m not that cruel, you know.

Bonus Marks: 4/5

~ You reply to your readers and you listen to their suggestions. These definitely deserve points.

Total Mark: 46/100

Personal Remarks:

~ I know it’s not that high but I feel you could do a lot more of improvements in writing. Don’t lose hope. Strive for improvement.

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Escaped: heartless hope

2008-06-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

Title: Escaped: Heartless Hope
Author: Zaire
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/EHHope_Z

reviewed by: shatterteardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 7/10
~ The title gave me the feeling of an exodus, a journey where one looses hope or sort of like that. I don’t know why I felt that way though. It gave a melancholic feeling. But I think it’s refreshing too, so unlike the batch of usual weird titles on the Index Page of Winglin. Merits for that.

Poster & Background: 9/10
~ I absolutely adore the poster! I love the soft hue of the rose in contrast to the dark background. I even appreciate the purple water drop which enhanced the rose. And the background does not coerce my reading, I think that should be good enough. XD

Forewords: 7/10
~ You tend to tense shift in your forewords.
“…The purple blood her heart pumps (should be PUMPED) was cold…” >>> You shifted tense here by using ‘pumps’ instead of ‘pumped’ and was soon followed by a past tense ‘was’. That is tense shifting. Also, the other sentences were in present tense and this particular sentence had a past tense in it.
Just a tip, when you’re trying to narrate a story, you might want to use past tenses in your verbs because it’s the most effective way to write a narrative.
Anyway, I love the simplicity in your words. There was a touch of mystery and eloquence which made me want to read more. I gave out merits for that.

Cast Used: 4/5
~ I do know Calvin Chen and Ariel Lin as I have seen them in their respective dramas. I am not a fan nor a hated of them so I don’t favor nor abhor them. They’re an odd pairing and one that’s not usually used in fics. I loved how you dared to pair them up. Also, I loved the characterization. I can perfectly imagine Ariel as a bored royal blood who was raised to have such grace and finesse but who wanted to escape her life more than anything else. And Calvin was being torn between ambitions or to give what his princess’ heart truly desired.

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
~ It was original. Definitely. I had not come across such a complex plot as this one. I must say, this was really well though-of. The struggle between characters was not merely the effect of external reasons but also of internal desires. I think it’s fascinating. It was also creatively crafted. Congratulations. XD

Story & Plotting: 14/15
~ One of the most unique plots I have read. The story is well-crafted and each character has his/her degree of complexity. I do think you ended your story very briefly but I do think that it is part of your plan for your story. It brings out a more dramatic yet disappointing effect. Dramatic because it ended with a wedding between the main characters but it was not a joyful one. Disappointing because Duke C didn’t have enough courage to undermine his family’s ambition and position in order to bring happiness to the one he loved.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
~ You have a very good command of the English language. Apart from the tense shift in the forewords, you’ve written your chapters flawlessly. Your words were superb and I like how you described each scene so vividly. You are a very good author. One that’s of high caliber and rarely found in Winglin.

Flow of the Story: 9/10
~ It is well paced and the characters were well-defined. The timing for each scene is perfect. I love the conflicting sides of the main characters. I loved how you added in the doubt of love from Calvin’s perspective. It was an unseen angle yet you high-lighted it ever so subtlety.

Writing Style: 3/5
~ Eloquent and elegant. I loved your choice of words. I loved the details. But it’s just a waste because your chapters were too short. I think you could do better by lengthening them a bit. And I love the little quotes you put at the end of each chapter. They’re very enlightening. XD

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
~ I did enjoy your story. It was a refreshing read was really apart from the usual crappy stories I always come across. I was kind of disappointed with the ending though.

Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You do reply to your readers and you accept invitations for reviews. Thank you for picking me to review your story. I’m honored to review the story of such a talented author. Keep up the good work! ^^

Total Mark: 87/100

reviewed by shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

~Oopps!~

2008-06-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Title: ~Oopps!~
Author: Teriyaki18
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/teriyaki18

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 5/10
~ Unappealing. It did not catch my attention when I first read it. And it’s not exactly meaningful. When I read the forewords, okay, that’s where I suppose the expression ‘Ooopps’ should be appropriate. I gave out points for the relation of the title to the fic. But I do feel that you could have thought of a more creative title for your story.

Poster & Background: 8/10
~ It’s beautiful. I love the degree of warmth of the poster which also matches the background. I love Hyun Joong’s expression but somehow, Anne’s expression was kind of off. I don’t know. It’s just because she’s the one in trouble and she’s even smiling. It’s just my opinion though. But everything’s still gorgeous though.

Forewords: 7/10
~ Simple and classic. The touch of simplicity never fails to gain my approval. Your forewords certainly sparked my interest and it is beautiful just as it is.

Cast Used: 4/5
~ I see you’re a fan of odd pairings. You’ve taken a gamble just by pairing these two up and I think that is worthy of points. After all, not everybody in Winglin dares to write stories about pairings such as this one. It’s good to read stories about not so common pairings once in a while. Characterization-wise, I think you’ve described them quite well.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
~ Okay, first thing, your plot isn’t exactly original. I’ve read stories about one night stands made out of rebellion to break from their monotonous life or to have some excitement, etc. And this story of yours is no exception. Another thing, I love how you have those annoying little hanging sentences down at the bottom of the chapter so that your readers will have something to look forward to. As an author, that is really creative. But as a reader, it’s annoying. XD

Story & Plotting: 10/15
~ As I’ve said, plot-wise, it’s not original. Case closed. On the other hand, I do think this story is well paced. Not too dragging or anything and you placed the twists at the right places. I loved how you made reference to McDreamy and Grey’s Anatomy. (Yeah, I’m a fan of that show.) And I loved how you referred to Hyun Joong as Candyman.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
~ Since this is the second time that I am reviewing a story of yours, I know that you are very familiar of my much overused line: I am not a fan of one-liners. Case Closed. Spelling-wise, there are very little typos which are forgivable. Grammar-wise, you tend to shift from one tense to another. This is a very common error among writers.

Example:

“…Have you ever thought that something wasn't right the moment you open(ED) your eyes?
It all started when she was awaken(ED) by an angry glare of the sun. And realized her alarm clock didn't buzz off on the preset time so she ended up waking up 30 minutes later than she's supposed to…”

You tend to use past tense in your narration but forgot to use the past tense in some words making the whole sentence grammatically incorrect. Also, please do proof-read our chapters. I highly recommend it before you post a chapter.
Vocabulary-wise, you have a substantially good command of the English language. Your use of words and description makes your chapters seem vivid and picturesque. Points for that.

Another error:
"I'd rather stink than be taken a bath by you!”
It should be: “I’d rather stink than be bathed by you!”

There were other simple errors which I think you overlooked and I do think you really need to edit them because they were eye-sores.

Flow of Story: 8/10
~ The story is well-paced. Each chapter is well crafted and I can see that each twist is rather well-thought. But, again, I’m not a fan of one-liners. You should seriously consider putting up a decent paragraph.

Writing Style: 3/5
~ Yes, I know, I sound like a broken record, heck, even like a dysfunctional pirated CD, but yeah, I am not a fan of one-liners. I do like how you described their thoughts and feelings though. And I loved how you included their inner struggles. You know, the raging hormones and stuff like that.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
~ I did enjoy your fanfic. Congratulations on such a job well done! I loved it. Apart from one-liners and some small errors of course. XD

Bonus Marks: 3/5
~ You’re the only author so far who had the courage to pair up Filipinas with Korean celebrities. I think this deserve points. Btw, I’m a Filipina. XD

Overall Points: 72/100

reviewed by shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Bet

2008-06-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

Title: Bet
Author: teriyaki18
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/paolo

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: Okay, first and foremost, I have to warn the author that I am a very strict and specific reviewer. I tend to point out specific mistakes in the fic which I think can be improved/changed/edited. I do not know that author and neither does the author know me so I don’t favor nor abhor him/her in any way. May the author be assured that I am doing my best to help him/her and not to degrade him/her in any way.

Title: 5/10

~ The title isn’t anything refreshing. It doesn’t exactly stand out if I were to look at the list of titles on the Index page of Winglin. It isn’t even anything new and it sounded cliché and unappealing, but I gave out points for the title because of its great relevance to the story.

Poster & Background: 3/10

~ Poster – 3/5 – Before I explain my rating to your poster, I’d have to explain that the poster should at least match the theme and feel of the story in order for it to better represent the story. Other than that, it should also be creatively done in order to entice the reader to the contents of the story. Now, for your particular poster, I’m sorry to say this but I don’t think it’s creatively done at all and it doesn’t seem to match the mood of your story hence the demerits. The points given were for effort.

~Background – n/a

I suggest you get someone to do both the poster and the background for you. There are a lot of graphic sites that would be willing to lend their help.

Forewords: 6/10

~ I like the simplicity of the words you used for the preview on your forewords. And character profiles were straight and direct to the point. I think that was a lot better than nothing at all, but I do feel that you could have done better. May I suggest a better way to write your character profiles?

Here’s my suggestion: (Sample)

“…He was a 29-year old single dad who was struggling to raise his 3-year old son.

She was a 24-year old gullible hairstylist who finally found the man of her dreams.

It was all just a bet. Just for one kiss. Can sparks fly?...”

Now, that was a rather simple example that I based on your story but you could add in more things and descriptions if you like in order to make the whole situation seem vivid.

Cast Used: 4/5

~ I know Min Woo and I do know Angel Locsin too. It was a really odd pairing, if I must say. Not a very common pairing in Winglin but I must also mention that I did find the pairing effective. I like the characterization for each of the main character. Somehow, when I began reading your fic, I began to take a liking for Min Woo. Call me weird, but yeah, I sort of felt that way.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15

~ Not exactly original per se. Fact is, your plot is cliché and when I read your title and forewords, I expected a predictable storyline. But I was wrong. It was refreshing read for an overused plot. I like the subtlety of your chapters. I love the descriptions though I’m not really a fan of one-liner paragraphs. I think you should improve on your paragraphs because in my opinion, one-liners make a chapter look empty. Creativity-wise, I like it. I like the simple use of words and just the right amount of adjectives to put the reader into the mood of each chapter. Another creative point is your choice of pairing. Not exactly common but putting them together is definitely creative.

Story & Plotting: 9/15

~ Plot is cliché. No question about that. But you’ve written your story in such a way that it was not boring. I found it rather refreshing despite of its overused plot. The story itself, is well-paced and each twist was just right where it should be. I still don’t like one-liners though. You should really consider putting decent paragraphs and putting one-liners where they should be. As an author myself, I use one-liners rarely and often times, I use them to highlight a certain point in the story for a more dramatic effect.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

~ You have a generally passable command of the English language apart from little slips in grammar that were forgivable. Your vocabulary is quite better compared to Winglin standards, if you know what I mean. I think you’re a good author.

Flow of the Story: 8/10

~ It is well-paced and nothing was rushed. I loved how you described the little details which maybe little but they definitely express a lot of untold emotions. However, I must repeat once again, that I am not a fan of one-liners. You could actually create a decent paragraph by putting your one-liners in one paragraph.

Writing Style: 4/5

~ Again, I’m not a fan of one-liners. However, I must credit you for your superb description of each chapter though. I love the subtlety and simplicity. I love how you managed to bring out both the feelings and thoughts of each character. I love how you portrayed both the wild and compassionate side of Min Woo. And I love the contrast of personality between the original Angel and the Angel who lost her sister. You described each point very well.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

~ I did enjoy it because I was not bothered by annoying grammatical problems. There’s only one thing I did not enjoy: one-liners. I loved reading the thoughts and feelings of the character. I began to love Min Woo and Angel. One thing though, I think you should put on a bit more emphasis on how Derek reacted to Angel and how was Angel as a mother to Lily. That’s just my suggestion though.

Bonus Marks: 2/5

~ You gave your readers credits at the end of your story. However, I think you must be more receptive to your readers. I checked your comment board and I saw that you replied only to one of your readers? I think you should give each reader equal attention.

Total Mark: 67/100

reviewed by: shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Mystic Zone

2008-06-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

Title: Mystic Zone
Author: Ah Yi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/AhYi1/
Reviewed By: Lamer_

Title: 9/10

Title looks pretty interesting.. Giving me an mysterious feel about the story.. :)

Poster & Background : 10/10

1 word, Brilliant.. The whole mood giving off from the poster clearly match well with your story theme.. The dark theme really suit well for mysterious love story like yors very much.. Thumbs up to the designer whom made the poster.. :)

Forewords: 7/10

Quite a direct introduction of the characters in the story, Well detail written out..Clearly credit whoever you needed to credit.. I personally love the inspiration part of your, I didn't know history lectures have such a big impact on you to start such a 'history' story(just kidding on this part).. :) I find it weird at 1 part of the foreword, Da Dong is SHUI god, but, SHUI is in chinese, this is a english fic right?? ain't it more appropriate to use an english term/word for it, If i'm not wrong, You mean Water God right?? Ok, this is just a personal thought of mine, because, i believe, there are lots of reader whom don't really understand chinese, so, by using an english term/word for it, i believe they can understand more about your story, because, it's hard to link up SHUI to water(forgive me if you don't means water here, i get the idea of water when i read on farther on of your story) when you don't really understand chinese(No offence here, it's just a penny of my though).. But your little sneak preview of the story introduction and character introduction do keep me wanted to click on next to read on.. Good job.. :)

Cast Used: 4/5

The pairing was great.. I peronsally like Jiro and Selina Pairing a lot.. :) Characterizations wise, i do see some effort you put in for it.. I believe you can do much better in portraying out the character more out with their own unique-ness.. :)

Originality & Creativity: 11/15

I can see you effort trying to made a original story out of the history lesson we learn..(ok, i'm just kidding about this part).. I can see your much creativ-ness in the story until now.. The twist here and there are quite surprising to certain extent.. :) Your idea are quite re-freshing and unique in you own way.. :) I believe adding more creative juice of your's into the story will made it more better.. :) The mysterious theme of your story is quite different from everyother story out in winglin, marks for that.. :)

Story & Plotting: 11/15

I love your storyline and plotting.. I just love how everything is finely and clearly written out.. The ideas in it are all clearly portray out with fine detail of them.. :) The interaction between the characters are well written out.. The story flow well since the start till now, all link up nicely and plotted out well.. :) Plot wise, i was hoping to see more twists here and there to suprise reader and to make the story more interesting.. :) 1 more thing, i feel you can add in more interaction between the character plus more emotional aspect too.. :)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7.5/10

For a beginning writer like you, I find your language ain't that bad.. You use quite a bit of vocab out in your story.. :) great try.. :) Spelling wise, Not too much problem for it.. Just some small and understand-able error.. :) So overall, it's pretty good.. Continue writting, Practise makes perfect.. :)

Flow Of Story: 8/10

I like the flow of your story.. :) Very easy and clear.. Not confusing.. The speed was just right.. :) Everything is just finely match up with each other.. :) Right tempo, flow really well like a peaceful river.. :) Good Job.. :)

Writing Style: 4/5

Good.. :) Everything is nicely space out and clearly written out.. :) Clean and clear,Easy to follow.. :) I'm rather comfortable with it.. :)

Overall Enjoyment: 7.5/10

I really enjoy your story a lot.. The mysterious feeling i get from the poster extent my curiously mind and i get what i want(haha, i mean, the mystery feeling i wanted to have i got it from the story too) The interesting and unique plot makes me rather enojoy the story.. :) Good job.. :)

Bonus marks: 3/5

Two mark for the effort I see in you to write the story, and another one for replying to the reader’s comment..

Total mark: 86

Additional comments:

Keep up the great job and continue to write more intersting and good chapters.. :) Practise makes perfect for language wise.. So all the best for you story then.. :)

Reviewed by Lamer_ @ midnight-tree.co.nr

A Secret Deal Between God and Me

2008-05-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

Title: A Secret Deal Between God and Me
Author: aggy
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/algernoon/
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: This is not a part of the review but rather the reviewer’s warning. I must warn the author that I am a strict reviewer. I prefer pointing out specific parts of your story which I think can be improved or altered. Don’t expect a brief review. On the opposite, expect a lengthy one detailing everything which I think needs improvement.

Title: 7/10
~ The Title made me feel intrigued about your story. It was not that appealing but it could also not be simply ignored. I like the simplicity in the title and maybe that’s one of the things which caught my attention.

Poster and Background: n/a
~You can request from someone or a website to do it. There are a lot of people who are helpful enough to make one for you.

Forewords: 5/10
~I must warn you that I am not a fan of seriously distracting grammatical errors. As an author, it is not enough to apologize for your grammar mistakes. Apart from apologizing, you must be diligent enough to edit mistakes and always proof read your chapters before posting them up. That is your responsibility.

Example:
“…There is a girl, with a tomboyish style, a petite perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess face. To complete all the physical perfect-ness she had, she was also a very clever students as she was always be the first in her school. Not forget to mention, she also a kind- hearted girl…”

It should be like this:
“…There is a tomboyish girl, with a petite yet perfectly curved body, a sultry beautiful voice, a short cropped shining black hair, and a goddess-like face. To complete all the physical perfectness she had, she was also a very clever student as she was always the first in her school. Not to mention, she was also a kind- hearted girl…”

Another thing, your forewords kind of revealed the whole plot of the story which I think should not be the case because it will make your story predictable and the readers will not be interested enough. You could just have placed a preview of a random scene from your story which will attract the readers’ to read and find out for themselves how the event came to be.

Cast Used: 3/5
~ I am neither a fan nor a hater of the artists you used. But I do know them. I can fully imagine them doing the things you described in the story. I loved how you described Ella and I loved how she grew right in front of my eyes as I read through each chapter in your story.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
~Originality-wise, well, this isn’t exactly an original plot because I have read other stories in Winglin having the almost the same line of plot but I find you story refreshing and although a bit predictable, it was nice.

Another thing is, I loved how you made each character interact with each other in a way that they were all connected to each other. I loved the conflict between Selina and Jiro and how you made Ella and Wu Chun work to bring them together.

Story and Plotting: 8/15
~ As I’ve said, your plot is a bit cliché but it was refreshing to read. Something I have not felt after reading and reviewing two other fics this week. In a way, it was cute and well-thought. I love how you narrated their past, present and future in one chapter. That was certainly a break from all the usual fanfics I read around in Winglin.

Just one major flaw, I think your story was a bit rushed. I think you could have written more chapters about Ella and Wu Chun which could better show how their relationship grew despite Ella’s being an ‘angel’. I think a lot could have happened in two weeks but it was a bit short-lived in how you narrated your story. You could’ve added more twists in the story apart from the usual tricks which Ella and Wu Chun used. Hmmm… Example, Wu Chun could have called Jiro to one of the rooms inside the school or maybe to the rooftop and then, he could have done the same to Selina, telling her that one of her friends is calling for her to go to this certain place, and then, Wu Chun could have locked them up for a night. Not only could Selina and Jiro spend more time with each other through this, Wu Chun and Ella could do too because, of course, they’d have to watch if their plan worked or not. Of course, this is just a suggestion of mine. But since your story is finished, I don’t think you could insert this anymore.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
~ As I’ve said, I am not a fan of grammar mistakes. There were a lot of tense shifting in your chapters and for a person like me, I would have wanted to edit your mistakes as I read through your chapters, but then again, it is not my story so, I can’t do anything about it.

I suggest you ask help from a Beta-Reader or a Proof Reader. I’m sure there would be someone who would be willing to help you. I understand that you are Indonesian and you are not that fluent in English, but, still, I know you understand that in terms of your grammar, there is plenty of room for improvement.

Spelling-wise, there were minor typographical errors but they’re not that much of a problem. People make mistakes and it’s understandable.

Vocabulary-wise, you have a passable vocabulary in English but I think you don’t know which word would properly fit certain sentences. Anyhow, I’ve prepared specific examples in your story which I think you must change.

Example:
“…She was walking, with a blank expression on her face, obviously clear for every people that came across her that this girl was having her daydreaming while she was walking. Yes, Ella loves to dream. Her hobby is to fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like thinking in her head silently, drove her own mind far away from the real world and enjoying as much as she can what she can sees, hears, and feels…”

It should be like this:
“…She was walking with a blank expression on her face. It was kind of obvious for people who walked by her to notice that she was daydreaming. Yes, Ella loved to dream. Her hobby was fantasizing. Not that kind of fantasizing (you know what I mean). It’s more like silently thinking as she drove her mind far away from the real world and enjoy as much as she can what she saw, heard, and felt…”

There were a lot of tense shifting on this one. Notice how I changed the ‘she can sees, hears and feels’ to ‘what she saw, heard and felt’? It’s because your sentence started out with a past tense, hence, you must finish it still using the past tense of the verb. Furthermore, you must always remember that if you’re narrating a story or retelling events which already happened, you must always use past tense. In this case, in your story, you were narrating it so you must always use past tense.

As for the Beta-Reader or the Proof-Reader I suggested you to ask help from. You can click on the link on the upper-left part of the Winglin Index Page labeled with the name ‘Fanfic Community Forum New’. It’s actually a forum so you have to register for an account if you wish to enjoy the full feature of the site. Next, after you click on the link, a new page will open. You have to go to the Author’s Corner board and look for the thread with ‘Beta-Reading’ as the title. From there, you can post a message asking for help for any members to volunteer themselves to be the Beta-Reader of your fanfic. However, for this certain fanfic of yours, I don’t think you will need a Beta-Reader because it’s already finished. Unless, of course, you plan to re-post it again and edit/change/add some more details and scenes to your story.

Flow of Story: 5/10
~ The pace of the story is a little too fast. Ella and Wu Chun’s relationship was not given much time to grow since you shortened their time together when they planned out bringing Jiro and Selina together. I think you could have added more romantic moments so that it will not become shallow. Furthermore, this could bring great joy to your readers.

Writing Style: 4/5
~ For most part, or for the first few chapters, there was nothing really special in your writing style since it’s the usual narration but after I read your chapter which narrated Ella and Wu Chun’s past, present and future, I think that really made an impact on me. At first, I was confused but when I read at the end that the woman and the man in the park was in fact Ella and Wu Chun, that’s where it all made sense. I especially loved that part. Kudos to that!

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
~ I highly enjoyed it! Er… Of course, apart from the grammar mistakes which made it sort of a pain for me to read. It was refreshing and nice but I think your grammar mistakes hindered me from fully-enjoying your fic.

Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You reply to your readers and you recognize your weakness as a writer, I think these are worth of merits. ^^

Total Mark: 57/90 or 67/100

Personal Remarks:
~ Keep on writing and don’t stop aiming for improvement. Always be open for new ideas and suggestions. Don’t treat criticism as insults, instead, use it to push yourself to improve in your craft as an author. Good luck. Jia You Agnes!

Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Forbidden Fruit

2008-05-30T06:11:00.000-07:00

Title: Forbidden Fruit
Author: xoloveraindownxo
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/forbiddenfruit

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

I admit that I was tempted to check out your story when I first see the title! It sounds interesting! Keep it up!

However, your storyline seemed to be deviating from the main idea of forbidden fruit. From the chapters updated so far, I simply could not link the chapters with the main idea you’re supposed to convey. So, there goes your two marks, deducted from the original score of 8.

Poster & Background: 6/10
Personally, I strongly encourage authors to do their own posters and background. In your case, it isn’t exactly great and isn’t exactly bad either. Of course, I’m not professional in graphics so I believe graphic designers can offer better critics regarding your poster. However, from a reader’s point of view, from what I can see, what I can say is, the poster is still quite nice. I do like the inclusion of the fruit. It looks cute. The pictures of the casts, however, look out of place.

My suggestion is, learn more from online photoshop tutorials. Practice makes perfect. I’m sure you will make a great graphic designer. =]

Foreword: 7/10
Yes, I admit that I was tempted to click the ‘next’ button when I finished reading your foreword. However, I have to make another confession. I really had some trouble trying to get pass that long paragraph. It was long, draggy and naggy. A warning to you, this may a turn-off for most readers. Not only so, it also fails to build up suspense you are supposed to do through this short little foreword you have.

Some readers may just do what I did, practically skipping the whole paragraph but definitely not enjoying each and every word of your paragraph. So, long, naggy paragraphs is a big no-no. I would suggest that you re-organise your forewords.

Sample:
`___ The little girl runs to the bottom of the hill everyday with her friends. They run around the bottom of the hill chasing each other. This is all they do, this is all they know.

One day the little girl catches the glint of a fruitful tree at the top of the hill. Everytime she goes to play with her friends, the tree entices her. Her friends tell her don't touch it, and society teaches the same aspect.

But she climbs atop the hill when nobody is looking and snatches the fruit down. She takes a bite of it and is swept up into a world she had never been a part of before.
All because she was curious of the Forbidden Fruit.
This may not be the best sample I can offer, but it will enhance your readers’ interest as they read each paragraph.

Cast Used: 3/5
Wells, I guess this pairing is still passable. It is quite a refreshing couple to me because I have not read any fanfics on them before.

Originality & Creativity: 7.5/15
The idea of consuming a forbidden fruit and being brought to another world is really interesting. If you had written the story based on this idea, your story would have been a great one as far as I could imagine. I was anticipating a fantasy-like romance because of the forbidden fruit and I am definitely looking forward to reading it.

However, your story was a disappointment. It did not link to the main idea of forbidden fruit at all. As far as I could imagine and interpret, you’re probably trying to associate racial discrimination with the idea of forbidden fruit. You’re probably trying to tell me that the forbidden fruit has brought her to another world, the fair-skinned people. Is that so? This still puzzled me. Perhaps, due to the incomplete story, you have not managed to make that link yet, thus everything is unexplained. For the benefit of doubt, I will not penalise you heavily.

However, I do like the inclusion of racial discrimination because it is a problem in American countries that is very real. This idea is mature.
In conclusion, from the chapters I have read so far, not much of creativity is shown. More climaxes should be included. Also, do take note of some superfluous parts of the story that may bore the readers.

Story & Plotting: 7.5/15
The organization and flow of ideas is fair.
Then, as I have mentioned earlier, you did not manage to build up suspense through each chapter till the end. This problem lies in the plotting of the story. It would definitely be better if you could include a small climax to keep the readers in suspense at the end of each chapter.

After reading your story, I spotted one major problem. You tend to write long paragraphs. It’s not just one or two chapters, but almost every one of them. Like what I have said before, long paragraphs are usually turnoffs for readers. Readers may just skip the important details in the paragraphs without knowing! That’s why it posed as a bid problem! However, towards the end, there seemed to be some improvement in the last few chapters because I have noticed the absence of long paragraphs. Yes, keep it up.

I have quoted an example from your story. Now, you can see how long your paragraph is.

“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be seperated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage. Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place. She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection. Kitanya felt alone, secluded. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that was her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box. A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying. Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy. Sneakers said who you were. Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that were mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.”

It would be better if you reorganize.

Sample:
“I`m sick of being stuck to that family. I thought I could be separated from it, but even now at 35 years old, you seem to be keeping me connected to that damage.”
“Kitanya, I really don`t need to hear about this or get involved anymo-- " Lydia began, but Kitanya hung up the phone on her sister, frozen in place.

She shook her head slowly, this was not happening...she had nobody else to turn to. Her friends didn`t know about her life, and her only outlet, her older sister Lydia, just ended their connection.

Kitanya felt alone, secluded.

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness within her bedroom, they scanned the shadows that were her furniture amongst other items, she saw a red box glinting at her. Winking. It gave her a spark inside to know what was inside that box.

A brand new pair of the freshest Pastries that haven`t even hit sale yet. Sneakers made Kitanya feel better. It was like, buying another pair filled the holes that her parents kept emptying.

Sneakers were beautiful, and Kitanya was a tomboy.

Sneakers said who you were.

Sneakers let you express yourself. If she wore bright ones, she was in a happy mood, if she rocked a pair that was mellow colors, she was content. It was like a mood ring, but sneakers didn`t turn your fingers green.

Remember, clear organization of ideas would make your story more attractive.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
There are quite a few spelling mistakes here and there. Do take note of that.
As for grammar, it is quite a major problem that cannot be overlooked. Just remember to check each chapter before posting it up.
There is quite a range of vocabulary words. Keep it up.

Flow Of Story: 7.5/10
The flow of ideas is smooth. However, the pace of story may be too slow sometimes due to the inclusion of superfluous parts. Please take note of that.

Writing Style: 2/5
No distinctive writing style spotted here. This is probably due to the fact that you’re a new writer here. It takes experiences to develop your own unique and distinctive writing style.

Overall Enjoyment: 5.5/10
I did not really enjoy this story because of the profanity used. Yes, you did warn the readers beforehand in the forewords, and I could have avoided it but I can’t because I have to review your story. I’m sorry, but too much profanity used had caused discomfort and I find it hard to enjoy myself here. However, I did like the mature reflection of racial discrimination in American society, in this real world.

Bonus marks: 3/5
1 mark for replying your readers when necessary.
2 marks for a good attempt to write a story,

Total mark: 62/100

Additional comments:
Hi there, thank you for requesting a review from Midnight Tree. After reading the request form, I have decided to reply to your comments. Yes, I can understand that this is your first story on Winglin. Good attempt! It was still quite a nice story despite the profanity used. But I have a gentle reminder for you. Please do not say “I’d just like an honest review so that I may know how I’m doing.” I’m sure all reviewers would give their honest opinions. It seemed as though you’re questioning the reviewer’s professionalism. This may sound rude and you might offend some reviewers unintentionally. So, please be reminded not to say that again in future. Kindly say “Please guide me along. Thank you.”

And yes, I have given you my very honest review. Hope this is help you in some way or another.

Good luck and all the best! =)

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr-
-

Monkey In The Middle

2008-05-30T05:55:00.000-07:00

Title: Monkey in the Middle
Author: hellome
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/hellome0/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10.
I felt it was a pretty successful title as firstly, it was fresh and secondly it got me scratching my head. So what was it about? And yes, it was definitely a cute title to go with a comedy.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s upon 5. Artistically wise I had no problems with the poster and I felt the little monkey pretty cute. My only grievance would be that, the poster didn’t look as comedy/light hearted as I would have liked it to be. But anyhows, at least it was pleasing enough to the eye and that was good enough.

Forewords: 7/10
Let’s start with the pluses of your forewords. I liked the quotes you had picked for your characters and it showed that you had planned the story pretty well. The little preview was just funny. I found myself smiling at how Winston dealt with grasshoppers. And although you gave some hints to what the story was going to be like, you didn’t let out the whole story, keeping me and your readers in suspense.

I had a problem, however, with the presentation of your casts. The listing bit put me off a little and I felt it could have been better if you were to weave the personalities of the characters alongside your preview or something instead of leaving it as a list like you did.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
Well, I guessed your characters felt a little one sided. BUT, I did you expanded the one sidedness well enough with adequate examples showing Nic’s mischief. Kudos to how you characterized Winston as well. You did enough to qualify for a good story but I felt more could still be done because while your characters stand out, they did not jump at me and since you were writing a comedy, you could have exaggerated more parts of your characters.

Originality & Creativity: 11.5/15
I think this was the highest I had ever gave to a fic in terms of creativity. First, you decided to away with the cliché love story (YIPPIE) and second, you featured a monkey. Some of the incidents that you had included were fresh as well. Like how Charlene had to had the monkey stuffed under her shirt.

I liked how you ended the story with “Let's start over.” Which did away with the boring-o-happy ending.

My grievances come from the final incident at the jewelers. Somehow the whole Charlene got captured and Nic rushed the rescue thing with the Winston coming in at the nick of time was a little cheesy for a final incident. Though so, I must say, Winston going into the jeweler’s for a golden banana cracked me up.

Story & Plotting: 9/15
I liked how the story’s a build up of small little incidents between the leads and the monkey and it made reading rather easy. But I felt that while the ending itself was pretty creative and interesting by itself, the buildup to the end was a little unsatisfactory. Well, perhaps it was just me, but I felt the comic relief which had made my reading enjoyable till chapter 4 lost towards the climax. And it began to felt a little bland at the whole jeweler scene. It was not really funny, but neither was it exciting. I felt that it could be better if you could work on making the climax the epitome of the humour? Just a suggestion though.

Another problem I had was the overall feel of the story. Like I said at the beginning, small incidents made the story easy to read, but when the whole completed story surrounded only a few incidents, it felt a little wanting on my side. A story always had a beginning, a build up, a climax and a resolution right, but your story seemed to have a good start, an okay build up and a not-very-good climax and a good resolution. Perhaps you could work on it.

P.S: It could be because all you did was to edit the chapters that you had already posted and you couldn’t remember what you had in mind when you first posted the story in 2006. A little tip though, keep a notebook of your plans for your stories. It would be good for backtracking.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I thought I spotted a few negligible mistakes in your language, otherwise it was almost perfect. Vocabulary wise, I must say that you did well in your usage of them to either evoke emotions (mostly laughter) or paint a picture of the scene in my head.

Flow Of Story: 7.5/10
I didn’t have trouble following your story in general. Your changes of scene were pretty smooth. I liked how you worked the 3rd person perspective to your advantage but actually bringing the readers to different scenes to witness the events instead of narrating it from the lead’s point of view. I felt that you had also successfully integrated the past, present and future well in the beginning of the story where instead of a long boring introduction, you managed to bring me/the readers right to the scene of action without compromising on some of the facts.

However like I had mentioned, towards the end, your story began to flow like a very linear one with nothing spectacular which was why it dropped to a 7.5.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
I must say that I enjoyed how you went about writing your story. It was comical, definitely, but I felt that you wrapped the comic relief with a certain style of your own. There was something that spelt distinctively you. But I had one problem, which was this : “*Nicholas' Bedroom*”

I felt that you could have weaved the change of scene in a better way. At least use a sentence? Because by using asterisk to denotate the change of scene felt a little amateurish.
.
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
You could have gotten a 8. But I was a little unhappy about the last bit, the climax bit at the jewelers, so you got marked down for it. But in general, you fic was funny, light hearted and a good read.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For sending in a completed fic I guess. It made my marking easier =) And another bonus for the monkey.

Total mark: 71/95 (75/100)

Additional comments:
Definitely a good attempt! Fresh ideas and good language. I guessed I liked it overall. But well, work on the climax. That was, I daresay, the only pitfall in the story.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Celebrity vs Paparazzi

2008-05-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Title: Celebrity vs Paparazzi
Author: teriyaki18
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tekay/
Reviewed By: v

Title: 8/10
The title seemed interesting, at least, enough for me to look forward to your chapters. The title gave me a clue on what I would be in for, probably an exciting journey with the secretive paparazzi.

Poster & Background: 8/10
I liked the choice of dark background colour. Since the title seemed to depict the sneaky paparazzi (trying to ‘dig’ information from the celebrity). Along with the bright colours in the middle portion of the poster, it made the main characters lively.

Foreword: 6/10
I have to admit, I didn’t read the previous story & thought that I may not be able to get the full picture of the story since I probably would have missed out quite a lot of little details from your previous story. But thankfully, I didn't (:

The forewords gave a little introduction to the characters involved in the story.

Cast Used: 4/5
Seriously, like what I’d told the other authors (whose stories I had previously reviewed), I’m not really familiar with the K-Pop. Hence, I’ll rate this section by the personality and characteristics you’ve injected into the characters (which to me, would be just names – if without a personality).

I liked the way their personalities were revealed slowly, through their conversations and actions; AJ’s strong character, venting her stress through physical methods, and Yunho’s gradual change.

Well done!

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
I’ve yet to really read fan fictions like yours, and I’m sure many of your readers would agree with me. You deserved the high rating, totally.

Especially the part on Nana.

Story & Plotting: 12/15
I thought it was not bad. The basketball match, unlike what I had expected, they lost. (Well you can’t blame me; all typical love stories have smooth sailing plots.) & I like the unexpected scenes.

The part on Nana was still the best – Yes, I’m not over Nana yet!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I must say, you have a strong language there.
Little common errors are inevitable. Oh wells, nobody’s perfect.

But you did great!

Flow Of Story: 8/10
Perfect. It wasn’t too fast, neither was it that slow.

Writing Style: 4/5
For the witty thoughts AJ had, and the way you had your characters’ emotions revealed in short, simple, yet “impact-ful” and influential sentences.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10
I guess there isn’t much of a need to explain further.
I lost count of the number of times I said “I liked…”

Bonus marks: 3/5
For replying to comments and actually dedicating the last chapter to them to thank them for reading.

Total mark: 83/100

Additional comments:
I’ve finished reading a couple of days ago, but I was rushing through my report assignment. Sorry for the late review. I’ll hope to hear from you again through story reviews. And good luck with your remaining and future fan fictions!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Friends to Lovers OR Lovers to Friends

2008-05-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Title: Friends to Lovers OR Lovers to Friends
Author: Meng Rui Fan
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/strawberry14jam
Reviewed by: shattered teardrops

Disclaimer/Warning: First and foremost, the author has to be aware that I am a strict and a very specific reviewer. I will point out everything which I think can be improved/altered. I don’t know the author nor does he/she know me so I do not favor nor abhor her. So certainty can be guaranteed that this review is impartial and unbiased, and is solely based on the fanfic submitted to be reviewed.

Title: 4/10
~It’s not at all fresh. It did not spark any hint of interest in me the moment I read it. It’s a typical title and it already revealed a lot about the story such as the ‘friends-fall-in-love’ plot which I did not hesitate to predict and eventually proved that I was right as I read through your story. Also, it is too long, hence, boring and uninteresting. It’s not at all catchy. Simply put, it didn’t interest me at all. The points given were for the effort and the fact that it somehow has a connection to your story.

Poster and Background: n/a
~Maybe you could request for someone to do it?

Forewords: 4/10
~Direct to the point description of all the characters. Not that creative and inviting. I wish you added in a preview which would spark the interest and curiosity of your readers to take some time to read your story. And I don’t like how you named the school as C.U.T.E Institute. I won’t kill you for a lame school name but points will definitely be taken off. Can’t you think of something else to name a school with?

Cast Used: 2/5
~ I know S.H.E. & Fei Lun Hai (Fahrenheit). I am not really a fan of them or a hater but I do know them. I can perfectly imagine them acting out the scenes. I just don’t like how you always make them stick out their tongue on purpose to make them look cute. I think it’s a bit immature.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
~ Cliché. Plain and simple cliché. Friends fall in love. Group of girls and group of guys hang around each other, have some problems here and there but in the end, fall in love with each other. It’s not exactly an original plot, you know. Even the school setting is cliché and Calvin’s problem with the arranged marriage is another certain cliché.
Another thing, I didn’t like how you placed “…They were in the second floor of their school`s 'whatever-building-that-is'…” Guess what, honey? You don’t have to think deeply to come up with something to name a building. How about Faculty Building? Administration Building? Honestly, don’t give me these nonsense. I don’t like reviewing works of authors who do their work without even planning out something. Besides, it’s just a name of a school building! Is it that hard to think of one? Puhleease.

Story and Plotting: 5/10
~ Apart from the fact that your story is cliché and you just started out writing your chapters, this is not exactly an original plot. This is pure honesty that coming at you straight from me. Your story bore me. I’ve read the same thing over and over again. Can’t you write a story with a different line of plot? The points were given for effort and for the fact that this is your first fic. I’m not that cruel, you know.
Also, please don’t post up nonsense chapters which are made up of a bunch of paragraphs and scenes thrown together in a page and then was simply declared a chapter. Write something sensible please. And plan out the events on your fic first before writing in order not to create something obviously unthought-of.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
~ You have a passable command of the English language with a few slips here and there which aren’t really obvious. I wish you’d use more descriptive sentences with each paragraph and not simply one-liners which make your chapters look boring. Honestly, I am not a fan of one-liners.

Flow of Story: 3/10
~ Judging from the four chapters you’ve already posted. The story flow is predictable. It’s not at all interesting. The three points were for effort.

Writing Style: 1/5
~ I am not a fan of one-liners. In fact, I hate them. They make the chapter look empty and the description for some scenes were lacking. I don’t even like how you included Ella tapping the table just to get Chun’s attention and ended up getting the whole class’ attention. It was simply nonsense. Can’t you think of anything more decent to write? Puhleease.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/10
~ To put it bluntly, I did not enjoy. It was so predictable and the whole thing was so unthought-of that I had to read your story thoroughly for the sake of reviewing.

Bonus marks: 3/5
~ You reply to your readers. Points for that.

Total Points: 37/90 or 47/100

Personal Remark:
~ I don’t mean to degrade you in any way. I know that this is your first fic here in Winglin and I’m sorry if I disappointed you with such a low score. One thing I can assure you of is that I don’t sugarcoat. Please think of better twists to put in your story. And if you’re disappointed with your score in my review, you can always review from other sites to console yourself. I’m sure they’ll give you a better score.

reviewed by shattered teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Can I Call This, Love?

2008-05-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

Title: Can I Call This, Love?
Author: Mist
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mintymints/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 5/10
I suppose the title does draw in the readers to some extent, but unfortunately, it doesn’t quite do enough. I’m afraid that your title appears to be rather average to me, and that deserved a 6, but the reason why you didn’t obtain a 6 is simply because your title didn’t carry out the most basic and primitive function of a title – telling the reader what it is about.

In a way, it reminds me of some sort of arthouse movie. It’s concise, but it’s overly concise to the point that it’s almost abstract. Unfortunately, yours isn’t an arthouse fic, so keep the title more accessible.

Poster and Background: 3/10
I really can’t give you anything higher than that. I’m not an artist, and I can barely use any of those poster making programs out there, but the thing is the poster honestly looks like a product of my Home Economics coursework – stitched together in a self-assumed orderly fashion. The key here is really self-assumed, because it really doesn’t appeal.

Black font colour, white background with a terrible, imposed picture there.

Let me ask: what were you thinking?

Foreword: 7/10
I love the foreword. It draws the reader in to read immediately, and you get short glimpses into their personalities and what is to come. I thought you did a great job by putting in the first few couple of lines, and that really worked out for me.

BUT.

Please refrain from direct, outright introductions. You’re not doing a character profile, you’re doing a foreword for a story, and the main purpose of that is simply to introduce and to draw readers in.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
I realise that it is very difficult to put forth someone’s personality on paper without sounding like the person is dummified or overly explicit. Yes, characterisation is a fine line to tread, and particularly in your case, where you’re exploring a relationship that is so bordering on cliché. You’re treading two fine lines here, and in both cases, you managed to pull it off, but only just.

Firstly, once again I must say that your initial introduction to characters was entirely and absolutely uncalled for. While those characters of yours seemed real throughout the length of your story, they tended to get a little too forced at some parts of the story. Here’s a trick, imagine them to be your friends, and you’d tend more to eliminate the clichéd qualities in your characters. =)

Secondly, your storyline is a little simple, so your characters have got to be a little larger than life. Make them loud, believable, intelligent. Make them stand out. Sometimes it’s not really the storyline, it’s the characters that make the story interesting.

Story and Plotting: 9/15
Nothing much to say here, except that it’s a really simple tale with so many elements of clichéd within it.

My one major gripe – it’s a simple story, only that it’s been pulled too long.

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Nearly perfect language, only be careful to avoid certain strange phrasing. And on top of that, some of your paragraphs can be shorter. Long paragraphs just can’t convey information as well as short, distinct paragraphs with a flavour. Remember that this is story writing, not an expository essay, so keep them short, sweet and explosive.

Apart from that, I applaud your use of language.

Flow of Story: 2/10
The story flows well, but two main things to say that warrants your mark. Firstly, your story flows too well! I must admit that because you couldn’t miss out on some of the teeny details, you tended to throw everything in, and because of that, I skipped many of the paragraphs in the middle just so that I could review this effectively and efficiently.

Secondly, and more importantly, I think your story was just not punctuated enough with excerpts that would draw reader interest, and focussed too much on thoughts and feelings, resulting in a piece that really moved too s…l…o…w…l…y…

Writing Style: 1/5
This was really vastly lacking in your own flavour. I was disappointed upon reading this, because it seemed like it came from somewhere. Bits and pieces of writing from bits and pieces of places. It was everywhere.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I didn’t quite feel the originality in this piece, because it was such a simple storyline. Simple storylines tread on cliché and excellent, and yours didn’t quite make the cut here. Focussing on thoughts and emotions was the way to go, but unfortunately, you put overemphasis on those parts, resulting in a very mundane storyline that didn’t really go down well with me.

On top of that, I swear I could see things from different places floating around. Or maybe it’s just because I’m sensitive.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I’m just giving this mark because you tried, but other than that, I have to end with a boring one liner:

It was monotonous.

The purpose of a fic is to entertain, and really, sadly, I could really see that in yours.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying to readers. =)

Total mark: 52.5/100

Additional Comments: Hey there! I understand you might be disappointed by your marl, but I did promise an honest review. Well, I can say that you really put in the effort here, but you should try channelling that effort into a myriad of other sources so as to jazz up your review a bit! Other than that, keep going, and maybe I’ll see you around someday again. =)
Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

AIn't NO CINDERELLA BOY

2008-05-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

Title: AIn't NO CINDERELLA BOY

Author: shardaunei

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/shardaunei_4/

Reviewed By: v

-

Title: 6/10
I know there's a meaning to why the n't was in lower case. But the title is not captivating enough to really trigger my interest. From the title, I can roughly figure how the story would be like, and fair enough the story and the title link.

Poster&Background: 5/10
I feel that the girl in the poster was kind of out of place, and the guy on the right should be placed somewhere on top since the picture has his head a little cut off. The background colour does not match the poster at all even though the font colour does.

Forewords: 7/10
I have to admit, I'm not familiar with J-Pop celebrities. But thankfully for the introduction in the forewords, I could refer to them as and when I accidentally forget their names or something. The forewords gives information on the story plot and the casts.

Cast Used: 3/5
Like I have mentioned, I am not familiar with the casts, so I am going to rate you by the personality you've injected into the casts you have chosen for your fan fiction. There really isn't much personality in the main characters. Yes, the stepfather of Yamapi and the evil stepbrother was very well portrayed. However, I feel that Masami's "want" and determination to meet Yamapi is missing, so is the resentment and helplessness Yamapi would have felt.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15
Well, adapted from Cinderella, it's hard to be rated high, especially when the storyline is almost the same except for the (very unrealistic) fairy godmother and the motive for the "Cinderella" to meet his Mayor's daughter.

Story&Plotting: 8/15
8 for the exceptions I had mentioned, differing this story from a typical Cinderella story, the part on Kenji's deliberate successful attempt to kill Yamapi's mother, and also, the involvement of Yamapi's "supporters" - the maid, the cook and his cousin.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
I do notice a few mistakes here and there, grammatically. But it's only human to err (:

Flow Of Story: 8/10
No sudden fast-forward in time, or delays. I feel that the story flows pretty well.

Writing Style: 3/5
Well, I'm not really sure if you have a specific writing style. But I think separating your paragraphs by leaving a line will make your story much neater. In some chapters, you left a line in between certain paragraphs but in most, you did not. I think, by keeping to a guideline (or a couple of them) you have set for yourself will bring out your writing style. And I am sure with a personalized writing style, readers will take notice of it.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
I have to say, I did not really enjoy the story.
And it is not because the story is similar to that of Cinderella's. But because you lacked the details. Just a suggestion from me: maybe you can let Yamapi reminisce the past when his mother was still alive, describe his emotions as he recalls her, portraying how much he misses the past. Perhaps that will allow readers to feel how Yamapi felt when his cousin hands him the bangle belonging to his parents.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For taking time to reply to your readers' comments.

Total mark: 63/100

Additional comments:
Hey! Sorry for the little delay (as compared to my previous reviews, yours in considered fast already! HAHA!). School work, assignments and projects, you know the typical life of a student ): Anyways, all the best in your future fan fictions. & the two you have not completed (you mentioned that in your forewords.)!!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Pajama’s Romance

2008-05-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

Title: Pajama’s Romance
Author: SeventhStar
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ferrari_saemono/
Reviewed by: Shattered Teardrops

~Okay, before anything else, this particular introduction is not part of the review. I would like to warn the author, if you have read my personal page in MT, I have stressed out that I am a very specific reviewer. I will correct every flaw which I think is worth editing/changing. Don’t expect a brief review. On the contrary, expect a direct and very specific review detailing the points in the fanfic which I think can be improved, and other suggestions and recommendations on how to improve them.
I do not know the author and neither does she know me, that is why I do not favor nor abhor her and that, itself is proof enough of the degree of impartiality in terms of giving the review.
Now, with all those clarifications said and done, let us proceed to the review.

Title: 5/10
~ I found it amusing, intriguing and also weird. Why? Well, amusing because the title is unique. Uniqueness means it’s fresh, unlike some overly-used titles we often see on the page of Winglin. I gave out merits for that. Secondly, intriguing because well, it intrigues the reader as to how the title of the story came to be. How can Pajamas have romance? So, again, points for that. Lastly, it’s weird. Why? Because the first time I read the title, it made me ask questions like ‘Who/What is pajama to have romance?’ and ‘Are you referring to a person nicknamed Pajama or do you really mean the literal Pajama?’ It’s a bit confusing really but it’s not that bad per se.

Anyway, when I read the first four chapters on your story, I tried looking for any conclusive link to the story and the title, so far I found none. Well, since your story is not yet finished, I assume you will place the connection of the story and title on the future chapters.

Poster&Background: 3/10
~POSTER - Now, I don’t want to sound cruel here but there is a major difference between a picture with a simple quote placed on it and a poster. I loved the warm scene portrayed on the picture, in fact I liked the picture, but I feel that it is lacking. It was too simple and non-descript. Aside from the quote you placed on the picture and the fact that it was a picture of Ella and Wu Chun, it doesn’t have any whatsoever connection relating to your story. How about if you request someone to do a poster for you using the picture and perhaps adding more quotes to the poster. I’ve read your four chapters thoroughly and I must say, you can put a wide variety of quotes on the poster for it to better describe the theme of your story.
~BACKGROUND – n/a – You could also request for a background image from the person/website to whom/which you requested your poster. I’m sure there are a lot of graphics sites willing to lend you a helping hand.

Forewords: 4/10
~ Your forewords were interesting. I love the simplicity in the words. I gave out merits for that. BUT I may have to tell you that I am not a fan of grammatical errors. I know that you (Kartika) are also aware of your grammar mistakes in your story. I shall let it pass because it is your first fanfic and every author starts out somewhere. I am also aware that you are Indonesian and I assume that English is not your first language. See? I did read your fic thoroughly. I even paid attention to your author’s notes and I even took time to read your comment board and your interaction with your readers.

What solution do I suggest for this problem in your fic? Well, it’s simple. Kartika… er, I hope you don’t mind if I call you by first name though we’re not that close. Anyway, back to the topic, the solution is simple. It’s called a Beta Reader.
Well, since you’re a newbie to writing fanfics, I’ll explain what a Beta Reader is, okay? A Beta Reader is a person who is fluent or shall I say, a person who has sufficient knowledge in the grammatical rules of the language you use in writing your story. Basically, you, the author, will write up a new chapter for your fic but will NOT post it up on Winglin YET. Instead, you email it to your Beta-Reader and then the Beta Reader will edit it and may also post it for you on Winglin depending on your agreement. If you would like, you could also have the Beta-Reader email back the edited version of your chapter to you and then you can go personally post it up on Winglin. So, it’s actually more like you are having someone help you fix your grammatical errors.

Now, where can you find Beta Readers? Well, for a start, you may click the button on the upper left page of Winglin’s index page, the one which says ‘Fanfic Community Forum News’. It’s a forum so you have to register as a member first before you get to access the whole feature of the site. Then, you go to the Author’s Corner board and search for the topic which says ‘Beta-Reading. You may start a topic there asking for someone’s help to proof-read your story and correct its grammatical errors. You may also learn to write correct grammar from the Beta Reader by asking questions and by reading the edited version of your chapter. Through this, you are also helping yourself improve.

Cast Used: 3/5
~ I think you did a great job on choosing Wu Chun and Ella. Not that I’m a fan or a hater of this pairing, or anything like that. It’s just that I can fully imagine them doing the scenes in your story and I think their roles fit them quite well. Kudos to that!

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
~ I must say, most stories on Winglin have a romantic theme and your story is no different from them. BUT, most stories on Winglin are more focused on how the two main leads came to be, not what happens after they came to be with each other. Now that’s makes your story apart from the rest. Your plot is not entirely original because there are a lot of stories with the same plot but I must say it’s unique and refreshing to read. Again, points for that.

Story & Plotting: 9/15
~I think your story is a combination of funny, inspiring, thought-provoking and one that is full of lessons. These are all positive remarks and I really mean each of them. Your plot is quite normal with the usual jealousy problems here and there but what set it apart from other stories is how your main leads chronologically retell the events that happened to them and how the problem was solved. Don’t get me wrong, this plot is quite good despite being a little overused. Improvements can be done here though. I just hope you don’t run out of problems and solutions to write about. May I make a suggestion? Hmm… Since you’re written about jealousy, how about if you write a chapter narrating about the possibility of them having a child? Now, that would indeed be a real problem, right? Because both of them are still studying. Of course, this is only my suggestion. Whether you allow Ella to be pregnant or simply hallucinating to be pregnant is ultimately up to you for it is your story. I just want to give you insights and recommendations. ^^

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10
~ I would have to give you a low mark in this category. To be honest, your grammar is very poor, but I don’t take that against you as an insult. In fact, I would like this review to challenge you to improve. To specifically point out your mistakes, there were a lot of missing words, a horrendous case of tense-shifting and typographical errors. When I say tense-shifting, I mean you use present tense on one of your paragraphs and a past tense on the next sentence. Take note that if you’re writing in a narrative form or when a person narrates an event which already happened, always use past tense. And make sure that if you started writing using past tense, please write in past tense up until the end of your chapter to make your story accurate and concise.

*Example: (a random paragraph from chapter three in Ella’s point of view)

“…Finally we came to my home. I feel really awkward at the beginning when I see my “the one used to be I called as home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. The feeling and everything is changing. I can see some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it feels really different when I came there as a guest and not as an “owner” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hug me tightly just like I’ve been disappeared for forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like forever not meet her…”

*It should be written like this:

“…Finally we came to my old home. I felt really awkward at the beginning when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parent’s home because I already have a place that I called as home. There were a lot of changes. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “owners” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly just like I’ve disappeared for like forever. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like it has been forever since I met her…”

*Now, if I were to re-write the whole paragraph with the revisions I like, I would have liked it to turn out like this:

“…Finally we reached my parents’ house. At first, I felt really awkward when I saw “the one I used to call home”. Now it became my parents’ (plural because there are two parents, the Mom and the Dad) home because I already have a place that I called home. When I came, I felt like everything changed. I saw some new flowers planted in the garden. It used to be my home but it felt really different when I came there as a guest and not as one of the “residents” of the home. My mom opened the door and she suddenly hugged me tightly like I’ve disappeared for so long. I couldn’t blame her though because I also felt like I have not met her for an eternity…”

These mistakes repeatedly appear in the first four chapters that it’s annoying. The spelling of ‘rite’ as in correct is ‘right’, not ‘rite’ as in like ‘rite of passage’. Please do make the necessary corrections. I don’t mean to degrade you, I’m just stating what I’ve read in your story. You have a basic knowledge of words in English. It’s just that you don’t know how to arrange those words in such a way that it would be grammatically correct. I do highly recommend a Beta-Reader or maybe you could ask help from a close friend who is good at English Grammar Writing to help you edit your chapters.

Flow of Story: 6/10
~ The flow of the story is quite well-paced. Nothing is boring and nothing is too fast. Each chapter is worth reading, minus the grammar problems, of course. I’ve read in your comments page that some of your readers complain about having cliffhangers at the end of each chapter. Honey, do not be afraid to use cliffhangers. They’re quite useful once in a while. They keep your readers craving for more and they add a sense of suspense to your story. I’m a writer too. I should know. But I’m a reader too. And I hate cliffhangers. Haha Quite contradicting statements huh? ^^

Writing Style: 3/5
~I absolutely love it. I love how you wrote each chapter as if your lead characters were confiding to their friends about their day-to-day affairs in their newly married status. It also creates an aura of interaction between the lead characters and the readers, making the readers feel involved in the actual life of your characters. However, I must take out points for grammar mistakes…

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
~ I did really enjoy it. Too bad it’s only four chapters plus the annoying grammar mistakes which make it hard for me to read the whole story thoroughly…

Bonus Marks: 4/5
~ You interact with your readers. You accept their suggestions and you are willing to accept constructive criticisms from them. I think these are worthy of acknowledgement.

Total Mark: 54/100
Personal Remark:
~ I know it’s not exactly what you expected, right? It’s a bit low… I know that too, but you have to understand that your main flaw is grammar and for an author who is using English as her medium for writing, grammar is very, very important. I hope I did not make you sad or anything. Feel free to leave me a message if you have any questions, complaints or clarifications, okay? ^^

Reviewed by Shattered Teardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Paper Cranes

2008-05-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Title: Paper Cranes MT-Challenge : Completed
Author: Sushi
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/P_C/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
MT challenge fic title. No comment =)

Poster & Background : 7/10
Well I can see work done in the poster but it didn’t seem of the right mood and I didn’t like the overall feel of it. Nice quote on the poster though.

But I liked your background a lot. Not only was the colour pleasing to my eye without obstructing my reading, I think it suited the mood of the story perfectly (and shows how out of place your poster was)

Forewords: 9/10
I was this close to giving you full marks until I decided I was a tad bias =) Definitely beautifully written, I was drawn to your writing. (Side note: OBVIOUSLY you write well, you are a MT reviewer! Okay, that wasn’t me). It did an amazing job making me wonder who really was Jung Hoon and Charlene and how come the love was “forbidden”

Cast Used: 3.5/5
I think by pairing up Jung Hoon and Charlene together was already fresh enough. You got me wondering how the story would turn out.

Well although the characterization was good enough as it is, I felt more could still be done. You could have included those little details about what Jung Hoon like, how he was like especially since Charlene was so in love with him, she would take note of the tiniest detail right? And it would also be great if you could do more to explore Charlene as well. She sounded nothing more than a love sick girl sometimes (not saying it’s a bad thing)

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
Well, I guessed it was fresh enough for you to explore the whole issue of forbidden love in terms of teacher-student relationships taken in the middle of war although I did doubted the reality element in your story because I thought you got some of the historical facts wrong (coughs. History student speaking) but since you didn’t specifically state the year in the story, it could be me making the mistakes =)

As a whole, your story is considerably fresh based on Winglin standards but I have read a handful of stories based on wartime separations and all and so it killed a little of my interest. Also, I felt that there were bits that felt cliché. Especially towards the middle of the story with all the sweet things that Jung Hoon did. It was heart warming and all, but looking beneath it, it was pretty cliché.

Story & Plotting: 11/15
I must say I had no complains about the way the story was plotted. It was fantastic. Perhaps during the middle of the story the pace might have gotten a little missing but still good nonetheless. I especially enjoyed your forewords because it was intriguing. Chapter 1 was good enough for the introduction of characters. I liked how you ended the story with simply the hazel brown eyes looking longing at her. It was obviously Jung Hoon and you managed to bring that across without putting up a banner saying “JUNG HOON RETURNED SAFELY”. I thought that was amazing and the way you ended the story left me gasping. All I could say was, wow. It captured my heart.

And like I stated at beginning of this section, half way through I felt the intensity began to slip away and some things became a little cliché. Somehow the story became a little too fantastical. But you managed to still bring across the ideas well enough.

On a personal note, I would have preferred the story to be more intense.

P.S: I can’t take my mind off the scene where Jung Hoon first kissed Charlene

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10
Splendid English! You had no problems with grammar and a relatively good command of vocabulary. I particularly enjoyed how you managed to grip the readers with a few words and how you managed to weave in descriptions within dialogues and events.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Full credits goes to you for such nice flow and how you managed to rotate between past and present pretty smoothly. It was pretty obvious when was when and I liked it. I could also see how each chapter had a striking theme and it was just wow.

My only critique would be that perhaps the story was moving a little too fast. The one year didn’t seem like one year when I read (it could be because the story’s pretty short), my suggestion would be to actually include incidents in the middle that would first, show how Charlene’s love for Jung Hoon was and to basically act as a bridge so that the 1-2 year was more believable.

Writing Style: 3/5
I would have actually preferred if you had made the story more intense. But then again it was personal. I felt that I could see you through the fic and especially through the words that you used and the way you chose to convey some of the emotions in the fic. And the most important was I could set the story apart from many other fics in the main index.

Well, if you asked me a suggestion it would be that, you need to have flavour of your own. Your style is good, it’s like a good perfume. Now could you make you own unique scent that smelt uniquely you? Like a brandname?

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I enjoyed the fic. I adored your ending and beginning. In general, it was a pleasant journey and heart wrenching at times. And I guessed I summed my major personal grievance against this fic and it was that, it wasn’t intense enough. But it’s personal, because some people may just prefer something more light that deep.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For rushing the fic out before the deadline. For a completed fic.

Total mark: 68.5/90 (76/100)

Additional comments:
Good fic. I think you picked the wrong reviewer because I tend to be slightly stricter when it comes to emotional fics because I read too much of them. But nonetheless, well done. I really liked it. Congrats on the award by the way =)

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

Rewind

2008-05-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

Title: Rewind
Author: bhebie9
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/rewind/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10
I like the title. It stands out to me. It has a high possibility of me clicking on it on a winglin main page.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s /5.

Poster is okay but nothing spectacular. But I like the quote on the poster though- “To know more about your enemy you need to rely on the simplest memory”.

Forewords: 7/10
I liked your forewords as a whole. You managed to weave a pretty good introduction of the setting and characters in a short paragraph. Good job. What I felt was lacking rather was the use of a tagline, a one liner or poem that would anchor the whole story. Also, you could have ended the forewords a cliffhanger that would really capture the readers. But in any case, I think your forewords are more than satisfactory already.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
As I am not very familiar with the cast used, this section will solely focus on the characterizations.

Well I saw the attempt in building up the character especially of “I” who was JiYoung. The story didn’t start being very clear cut about JiYoung character but as I read on, the man just slowly began to take shape. Slowly, I began to relate to JiYoung and understood him as a whole. Well done. SeungHyun on the other hand was like a mystery beginning to unfold.

The other characters had been slightly introduced in the forewords and I felt more could be done still. Just a suggestion, what you could have done was to make these characters distinct. Like one with a scar, with a funny accent or something. Don’t get me wrong, you did try to do characterizations, but they weren’t good enough. The characters don’t jump at me.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15
I liked how you rotated between the past and present, using it to weave the whole story. Too bad it’s not the first time I saw something like that =) But I guessed you still deserved some credit. I liked how you decided to focus on friendship instead of romance, it was a bold step and a well took one.

What I felt was lacking in your originality bit was the whole gangs and police setting which was overused and overused. Even the characterizations of your gang members seem typical or any other gang fics one could pick up.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
You managed to keep me wanting more =) That was a big plus. Your story looked as though it had been properly planned from the start which reflected well on the reader. Also, I liked how more and more things were beginning to surface as the investigation went on. Somehow, it felt like no one could trust no one anymore.

However, I just felt that the emotions and actions were not intense enough. For example, when JiYoung was being beaten up, all I felt was, okay, he was being beaten up. You failed to elicit a strong emotion from me throughout the story although your attempt to do so could not be hidden. So, it would be good to make your story more intense.

I was actually looking forward to the ending. I hope that it would be an ending with a twist as a cliché ending would spoil the whole story that you had built up.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10
Minus the tense and punctuation errors, your English was pretty intact although once in a while you had some expression errors such as “The TV wasn’t on”. I didn’t have a hard time trying to understand your story. However, I felt that you could have done better with your word choices. It seemed that your vocabulary was pretty much limited to the slightly above average standard and it prevented your story from climaxing further.

Flow Of Story: 6/10
I felt that it was great that you could manage two different time periods without making the readers confused. But I felt more links could still be made in a sense that it would good to link the recollections with the current events with a theme. Like in Chapter 6, the recollections were about JiYoung’s parents and the word “Sounds Good” appeared in both the past and present scene. It was good attempt but sadly, not all your episodes were linked like that. The question you could ask yourself is, what makes a particular piece of memory indispensable at that particular point of the chapter.

It would also be good if you had been linkers because at times your story felt cut like this: Past Present Past Present. It would be better if you could devise a way to link the Past and Past or the Present and Present and that would show well on your mastery of the story.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
Like I said in the creativity section, I liked how you weaved the past and present together. But I felt you as an author didn’t really stand out in the story as much as I would like it. I also felt that your chapters could get too short and before I could get into the “emo” mood, my journey was prematurely terminated.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Technically, I didn’t really enioy the fic. But then again, there ain’t many fics that I truly enjoy so, I think it’s got to do with me. The major hindrance to my enjoyment would be that you did not manage to fully grip me. Littered around your fic were attempts to climax the story that fell a little flat at times or not pushed enough to make me gasp.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For not doing a romance story.
For really trying. I really could see the effort.

Total mark: 59/95 (62/100)

Additional comments:
Nevertheless, I still feel that your fic is under appreciated. It’s one of the better ones around, I think you have good ideas floating around your head but you major problem seem to be the ability to put it down in a way that would truly let the readers into your mind and bring them the roller coaster ride.

But keep writing! Because they say practise makes perfect.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

The School Gangster Wants Me?!

2008-05-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Title: The School Gangster Likes Me?!
Author: Elizna Lor
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/elizna_lor/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title : 5/10
The title’s grammatically sound and all but the main problem I had was with the connotation. It sounded like some typical high school story with some ordinary girl which was spotted by some big bully. Something on the lines of Meteor Garden.

Poster & Background : 3/5
No background so it’s /5.

Poster is okay but nothing spectacular. In other words, it doesn’t stand out. The shade of blue’s pretty nice by the way.

Forewords: 6/10
The poem-ish thing on your forewords worried me. Your English didn’t seem too secure to me. Moreover, as stated in the forewords, it sounded cliché and more cliché!

But credits are given to the rather nicely done trailers which serve as good enough introduction.

Cast Used: 2/5
As I am not very familiar with the cast used, this section will solely focus on the characterizations which sadly, are almost non existent.

The only thing that stood out for Seul Gi was her talent in designing. Ayumi was just the sister. Che Yeon is the angel from heaven. The guys were a blur with nothing more than just a mention of names.

Seriously, is there a need to mention so many people? Even if you say that you are unable to develop all the characters you brought up, surely, the main characters can be developed just a bit more?

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
What creativity?

First we have a pair of sisters who are abused by the father and then they meet up with the cool guy of the school. The guy falls in love with the main character and then another guy (as cool as the first) falls in love with the girl as well.

I could barely find a shred of creativity in your story. Even the incidents like the gangs fighting against each other or how the gangs were punished for coming back late reminded me of either some show or some books I read.

It’s clicheness at its max and all I can say is, sorry but it’s boring.

Story & Plotting: 6/15
Besides the fact that the story is boring and that some parts may proceed to fast, the plot is there. A tiny suggestion for you though, perhaps, you could actually include more incidents between Seul Gi and either Siwon or Sangmin to further develop the relationship as although the story is already at chapter 14, it still felt like the story isn’t really progressing much besides some hints of love between the characters.

Another thing to take note is that your story, contrary to what your readers feel, does not really make me want to come back for more.

And the reason why although your plot is pretty much there I can’t give you a higher grade it’s because of how hollow the story sounded with the obvious lack of descriptions of the characters, actions, atmosphere etc. It sounded like summary of a story rather than the story itself.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
Sentence number 1 of chapter 1 has a grammar error. It’s clutched instead of clutch. And there you were confirming my suspicions about your standards of English. The story from then on was rampant with grammatical errors of all sorts be it tenses, sentence structure, word forms etc. I do believe that some of the mistakes are more of a slip than a true mistake and the lesson is that, PLEASE CHECK! On the other hand, it would be advisable for someone to proof read for you.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
It wasn’t too much of a bumpy ride. So you pass this section. And as I have said in the Story and Plotting section, it may be good for you to do more to develop the relationship of the characters.

Writing Style: 2/5
I hate one liners.

My justifications for that is that usually people will miss out on descriptions when their story is written in one liners. Also, it looks pretty unprofessional as well.

Another thing that I have grievances about is the length of your story. Its filled with one liners (thus space wasting) but not very long in length. I guess you could afford to make your chapters longer.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/10
Sorry dude. But I didn’t enjoy it. Clicheness and one liners ain’t my cup of tea. The two goes for the way Moon speaks. I found it absolutely adorable.

Bonus marks: 3/5
Well, admist everything, I think there are things that you ought to be credited for. Firstly, the trailers. I liked them. Secondly, I realized that you actually had quite a bit of posters for the characters you introduced. Finally, I guessed I did see some effort from you. You did try and I think you deserve the mark for that.

Total mark: 40/95 (42/100)

Additional comments:
I do recognize that you do have quite a number of supporters for your story. But since I really don’t enjoy the story, there isn’t much point in pretending right?

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

My Stubborn Young Bride

2008-05-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

Title: My Stubborn Young Bride
Author: jellybean
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/msyb_/
Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
Not graded because it’s a challenge fic but I have to say the title’s cute.

Poster & Background : 9/10
Background doesn’t disrupt reading. Good.

Poster’s cute and suits the theme to a tee. I like it!

Forewords: 8/10
First, I have to thank you for writing in proper English. It is a nice break from all the horrible English that have be surfacing in Winglin.

Second, thanks for such a cute forewords. It wasn’t really funny but I liked how it was just simple, easy and yes, cute will still be the best word for it. King Charming, Prince Charming Sr and Prince Charming Jr with Snow White is just perfect parody material.

Third, kudos for igniting my interest in your fic.

Cast Used: 4/5
Splendid characterizations. I thought it was cute to see Arron and Calvin as twins who look alike but think differently. Jiro stands out for me as well with the nasal voice. Chun as the “unconventional” prince gripped me as well. Selina’s Rapenzuel is another extremely cute character. Somehow I am able to picture Selina being trapped in the tower.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I think your story isn’t 100% original given that the title pretty much dictates a story like that. Although an attempt like that is fresh on Winglin, it has been done quite a number of times. I struggled with giving you a higher creativity mark because technically it’s not the newest idea ever.

I also liked the little monologue that you do at the start of the story. It’s a common phenomenon in dramas but very rare has people transferred it into writings. So that’s good.

But creative or not, I still like the story =)

Story & Plotting: 10/15
I don’t think you have any major problems in the area of plotting or storyline. But it’s really too early in the plot to say anything because Ella, the other main character hasn’t even appeared! But up till now, the story is just fun. Nothing much that is intense but I think readers will still return to the story simply because it’s just fun to read. Come back when you are done with the story then we will see how the story actually moves on and all. The your grade can be better justified.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I don’t think I have any problems with it. I liked your descriptions and your command of English is definitely above average. Your sentences generally feel good to read as well. Well done.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Well since it’s only the beginning of the story, I don’t think any comment here is set in stone. It’s more of an opinion from the few chapters you have posted. I don’t have much problems with the flow up till now. Things progress in a smooth and satisfactory pace.

You may want to try to intertwine more things together at the same time to make a greater impact. But in any case this is perfectly fine as of now.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
I think you stand out as a person in the fic. I like how you have a little naughty and fun streak within your writing and how you managed to make the fic easy reading without compromising on quality. When I read, it feels like your words bounces and it makes me really happy.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I think my delight in the story has been shown throughout the review. The fic made me smile and perked me out. It may be lame, but definitely a fun journey. Kudos!

Bonus marks: 3/5
For editing your story almost a year after it was published and reviving it of sorts by sending it for review. And for making a truly fun story.

Total mark: 69.5/90 (77/100)

Additional comments:
I know your review might be slightly shorter than most people but well, it’s not exactly a bad thing because it simply means that I don’t have much to complain about your story =)

Thanks, really.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

You, The Love Snatcher; Me, The Victim

2008-05-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

Title: You, The Love Snatcher; Me, The Victim

Author: lildragongurl~ aka devilishgiirl

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/devilishgiirl_3/

Reviewed By: v

Title: 6/10
I thought the title was a little too long. I could already tell how the storyline would be by just reading the title, and I thought I could count on some unexpected surprises. I was pretty disappointed.

Poster & Background: 8.5/10
The poster is really pretty, though the birds on the bottom right hand corner looked a little out of place. Along with the matching background, I think it looks near perfection (:

Foreword: 6.5/10
Straight forward and to the point.
Characters were introduced along with their background.

Cast Used: 3/5
The triangle love between Hebe, Jiro and Arron is very often used. Your characters lack a bit of their own personality. I thought by injecting a suitable and uncommon personality for them would be able to bring out the characters in your story, not just the celebrities themselves.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
Not much originality in it, I would say. It's the usual triangle love in school; puppy love. Maybe you can relate the story to your own experiences, that way, I think it'll make your story one of a kind.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
The story is pretty predictable, so far. Like what the title states, there will be a someone who will try to break a couple up thinking love equates to possession of one’s love one. Like I mentioned earlier, I was really hoping for a surprise somewhere somehow. That way, it’ll make your story different from others. Being unique is the key to high review marks, and high readership.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 5.5/10
There were quite a number of grammatical errors in the story. It was as if you had just type it on the site without drafts, and that you hadn’t run through your chapters on MS Word for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Flow of Story: 6/10
I felt that it went way too fast. One moment, Arron had just returned from overseas, and another they pretend to be lovers, and the next moment Arron released his first album, and is preparing for a concert? Everything’s running too fast, isn’t it?
Maybe you should take some time to describe the more important and interesting scenes? Like when and why Arron return from overseas, and how he has slowly bonded with Hebe, and how Ariel actually got into the music entertainment.

Writing Style: 2/5
No bad intentions, but from reading your fan fiction, I thought you sound as if you were very young. Perhaps 12 – 14? Your focus seemed to be off the little arguments between Arron and Hebe; cute it may seem, but it gets not very enjoyable after a few chapters.
Maybe you can refer to deeper novels, take note of their writing style, process them a little, and make you own? I think quite a lot of writers started out like that, reading novels and learning from it. Of course, I’m not asking you to copy, it’s just a suggestion to have a little reference and learn from it.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
If it wasn’t a review, I think I would have given up trying to finish reading the chapters. I didn’t quite enjoy the story because it lacked content. There was no descriptions on relevant scenes, long elaboration on mundane conversations/arguments and the predictability of the plot.

Bonus marks: 1/5
For the effort you have put in to reply comments from your readers.

Total mark: 57.5/100

Additional comments:
Hi! I’m terribly sorry for the delay in review. I had too many things on my to-do list and then I went on hiatus to hide. HAHA. Anyways, I’m sure you can do better in your future stories/chapters! Good luck girlfriend. You can do it! (:

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

~The Promise~

2008-05-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

Title: ~The Promise~

Author: Wing Yi

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MidnightGirl/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 1/10

When I read your title, the only thing that came to mind was, "blah." It wasn’t captivating and it related little to your story. I’m not even sure why you had these ‘~’ put in for. It doesn’t make it look any more professional than it is inviting. The only thing it does for your story is make it seem dodgy. I’ll give you a point however, for that little link between the title and the brief promise Edison had for Gillian.

Poster & Background: 6/10

Putting graphic works aside, your poster isn’t very well done. The poster doesn’t really connect with the storyline. I know that you have asked a site to make you a poster, but you must explain to them clearly of what you want. Kenny wasn’t a main character in the story, yet his picture is more prominent than Edison’s and the title of the story looked as if it was part of the background. Notice these mistakes and don’t be afraid to ask them to edit it. As for that black hole in the corner; what is that? It looks so random.
Now onto that quote you had. It’s not bad but it wasn’t exceptional. One of the reasons why was the grammar. Don’t put a trail after a question mark, it doesn’t make any sense. If you wanted to trail off in a question, put it before the mark. As for the capitals you’ve put in the quote. Only one capital letter at the beginning of each sentence unless there it was a naming noun.
Your background was simple and neat. It didn’t clash with your font which was good.

Foreword: 3/10

Your foreword does not make any sense at all. It may be because of grammar problems or because you had contradicted yourself, but I couldn’t comprehend what you tried to deliver. "A promise that has yet been done." What does that mean? It doesn’t make any sense at all! Be more clearer!
You only introduced two characters in the foreword when there are a couple more. I wasn’t sure if Edison even had a bigger role than Charlene, actually.
Yeah, so your foreword was a bit confusing because of your grammar. Edit your work before you post it so your readers can understand it more fluently.

Cast Used: 2/5

I can’t comment on each character’s personality since it wasn’t that developed in the story. The only thing I got was that Gillian was a weak girl who has no confidence. It seemed as if she was in an abusive relationship with Charlene who obviously had the upper hand. Charlene was this possessive girl who didn’t want anyone but her to have Gillian. She then switched her target to Edison and actually stalked him because of her obsessive personality. Edison and Kenny all seemed a bit bland to me, I didn’t sense anything from them.
Develop your characters more in the story to make it more interesting. Your characters were a bit bland to me.

Originality & Creativity: 8/15

To what I have read, it doesn’t seem as if you had put much thought into your story. I’ll give you credit on making it unpredictable, but how Gillian died at the end; one word, cliché. I knew right off that she would reach for Edison’s hand to forgive him and say ‘I love you’. Give your story a little twist to it, something that would leave the reader a deep impression on your story.

Story & Plotting: 0/15

They way your plotted your story was utterly terrible. I wouldn’t say that your storyline was the best either. You obviously didn’t plan this out or read it over or you would have fixed it. You realise that when in college, people have already chosen their course. According to ‘reality’, Kenny should have gone to law school; Edison to some cooking school and Gillian and Charlene should have went to some acting or singing school. Why one earth did they all go to some English class in college? It would have made more sense if they were still in high school or something.
And how you plotted Edison and Charlene’s scandal was ridiculous. It was so out of the blue, when I first informed about it, I thought I had missed something in those very short chapters. It would have been better if you had built up to it and actually wrote a chapter one the scandal. Don’t just add things in randomly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 2/10

Don’t get me started on your grammar. It seemed as if you were writing in text messaging than the actual English language. Your sentence structure was horrifying also. Are you not familiar on how to write a spoken sentence? You had given me this:
Noone spoke to one another until her mom spoke : "Where were you today?" Charlene quickly responded. : "I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff."
This is the proper way of writing it:
No one spoke to another until her mom spoke, "Where were you today?"
"I was with Gil at the mall looking at stuff," Charlene quickly responded.
These are the things I want you to remember:
A new line every time a new person talks. Your paragraphs were made up of a whole conversation and with the way you wrote your spoken sentences made all the more difficult to read and understand who was talking.
An apostrophe for words such as can’t, don’t, haven’t etc.
Put in full stops when necessary and I want to really stretch this out to you. Most of your sentence structures were faulted by the placing of full stops.

Flow of Story: 2/10

The flow was very choppy. It was very rushed and left a lot of gaps in the storyline. It was hard to read and understand what you were trying to say. Especially the sudden proposal and the sudden scandal, it seemed so out of place. Give hints when you’re trying to surprise us so when we read it we’ll go, "of course!" or "ahhh, that’s why."
When Kenny and Edison came to be back up dancers, I was like, "what the heck?" Doesn’t it seem odd to you that Kenny and Edison, both with very different careers to the entertainment industry, would come to be back up dancers? You contradict yourself throughout the story.

Writing Style: 1/5

I didn’t like your writing style. It was too short and you didn’t elaborate the details that you needed to so that it could help the readers understand the plot. Your style made it seemed as if a child had written it, no offence. It was so straightforward, with no sense of mystery.
As you wrote your story, I couldn’t help but wonder if this had followed through to what you had written in the foreword. The theme seemed to be more about Charlene and Gillian’s friendship rather than Gillian and Edison’s love. You have given Charlene such a big role and made it seem as if we were seeing the story through her point of view. Considering that Gillian and Edison were supposed to be the main characters it would be smart to maybe talk about their situation a bit more.

Overall Enjoyment: 0/10

To tell you the truth, I didn’t enjoy it at all. I was actually grateful that the chapters were short so it can be less painful to go through those fourteen chapters of the story.

Bonus marks: 3/5

One mark for referring back to the graphic designer. Two for answering the comments, your readers had left you.

Total mark: 28/100

Additional comments: I can’t really give you any good advice on how to improve except to plan, edit and elaborate your story. I know that I have been very harsh in reviewing your story and I’m sorry if I had caused you to feel any ounce of anger or depression. Be sure to keep writing.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

-Stalker-

2008-05-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Title: -Stalker-

Author: TsukiBucket

URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/tsukibucket01/

Reviewed By: v

Title: 7/10
The title is clear and informative. It tells readers what they’re in for – the intense fear and confusion (I’ll elaborate on that later on.). The one-word title captures my attention very much.

Poster & Background: 8.5/10
I thought the poster was quite nicely done. The side view of a man (I’m sorry, but I’m bad at recognizing k-pop celebrities, so I’m not really sure who he is.) against the blurred background, which depicts the confusion the way your title did. Well done on that.
The missing marks were the inconsistent font and your overall background. The font of the title and the credit to yourself were different from those of the Korean characters. It looks a little weird with ghostly fonts (title and credits) together with such serious fonts (the Korean characters).
I must say, you chose a safe background colour – white. I thought if you could choose a background colour, similar to those of your poster, the overall visual would be better.

Foreword: 6/10
Your forewords consist mainly of an introduction of yourself being a new writer, followed by the casts of the story (and the teachers), along with 2 sentences of what the story is about. I thought it lacked effort.

Cast Used: 3.5/5
Like I mentioned, I am terrible with K-pop celebrities. If I am not wrong (correct me if I am), the Korean casts in your story are from a band. I’ve seen their names in most stories. But the inclusion of Melissa and Hannah injects something new and different in your story. At least, there’s some space for my imagination.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15
I'll award you ten for the numerous brain cells you killed for attempting a somewhat-thriller. It's creative because most mysterious stories usually revolves around some super cool looking killer who is cold and quiet, who eventually got melted by some innocent girl - you get my drift. So yeah, great effort on that!

Story & Plotting: 12/15
A nice story overall. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was pretty intense – just the way I had thought it would when I judged the story by the title – especially during the mid story, where Melissa had decided who she thought the stalker was.
The story revolves more than just romance, that was what sets it apart of many other fan fictions in Winglin. It was something like a thriller, though there’s no deaths (Candy’s death was different.), with Melissa checking up the Internet and surveying on the people around her.
You did terrifc!

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
Spotted a few spelling and grammatical errors. But then again, to err is human. Just try to read through your chapters before submitting them (:

Flow of Story: 7/10
I thought it was really a drag. When I first received this review request, I was eager to read (because of the very eye-catching poster and drawing title.) but when I scrolled to see so many chapters, I was a little discouraged. There were too many irrelevant conversations between Melissa and the six guys thus side tracking from the story, though the sudden fear and confusion come back every few chapters when the story got back on track.
I thought the story ended well at Chapter 23, like a cliffhanger.

Writing Style: 3/5
Your writing style differs a little, but nevertheless, I liked the clever conversations Melissa had with the guys (even though I said it was irrelevant, but it was witty).

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
I enjoyed the story quite a bit. 2 marks deducted for the draggy story; one for the conversations and the other for the sequel. I liked the story, but I thought prolonging the story have somewhat made me less interested. The story was after all about the stalker stalking Melissa and that the main objective was to find out who he was and his purpose.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For the effort of replying your comments in LJ (:

Total mark: 76/100

Additional comments:
Sorry I took so long. It was just a couple of days before I had to move house when I received your review request. And then, I had to cope with packing and unpacking and the new school term. I’m terribly sorry about it.
& continue to write such stories. I’m sure many loved it!

Reviewed by v @midnight-tree.co.nr

Sunrise

2008-05-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

Title: Sunrise

Author: v

URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/fyn

Reviewed By: Lovie

Title: 6/10

This title is sweet. I have to admit that I was attracted to this title when I first saw it. But, it’s such a pity that it was not really original and creative, for I have seen quite a number of fanfics with this title. This is where your two marks have gone to. The other two marks has been penalised for the fact that the focus of your story is deviating from sunrise. The emphasis placed on sunrise is not enough. You will need to work on that. =]

Poster & Background: 9/10

This poster would have been perfect if the designer removes the two pictures left dangling in the bottom right-hand corner of the poster. To me, they seem superfluous and out of place.
But, generally, the poster suits the mood of the story very well. I must comment that it is very well done. =)

Foreword: 6.5/10

The forewords seem messy. I can understand that you’re trying to include snippets of the story to arouse interest in the readers, but this is not really well done because you’re not focusing on what you want to convey to the readers. You must choose the scenes to be included carefully.
If your story is going to be about a simple and sweet romance, you can include "I’ll love you till the end of time," I whispered softly in her ear, ruffling her smooth hair." But, if your story is going to be about a sad, melancholic romance, you should include the climax, for example, the scene where Ah Sen realises that Xuan is gone. This would definitely interest the readers to read on. This is a little suggestion. I hope it will be helpful. =)
However, I have to say your first paragraph is really well done. Short and sweet. I could immediately feel how sad the protagonist felt when he was saying this. Maybe, this paragraph can be included. *winks*

Cast Used: 4/5

I like this pairing. I must say, not many authors have explored this pairing yet. :)
Originality & Creativity: 8/15
This story has too many cliché scenes for example, how they met and how one of the protagonist contracted cancer. This is why the marks for this criterion has been penalised. Try to include more creativity. I would suggest to you to make more daring attempts. Remember, this is your story and you can write anything you want. :]

Story & Plotting: 12/15

Clear organisation of thoughts and ideas can be seen. That was well done.
However, I think every chapter is lacking of a small climax to keep the readers in the suspense and make them want to click the "Next" button. This story would have been successful if the story is a completed one because the readers can read at individual paces. The little suspense at the end of every chapter will be enough to sustain for a few minutes. However, you must not forget that this is a fanfiction that is to be updated by the author. If the suspense at the end of every chapter is not enough to sustain for a longer period of time, the readers would be likely to forget the previous chapters when they re-visit the story after a long time. This means that you story is not outstanding enough and doesn’t leave a deep impression in them.
So, this is something you can work and improve on. =]

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7.5/10

There are some little mistakes of grammer and spelling here and there. But, I believe they can easily be corrected. Just remember to check every chapter before posting them up and you will be fine. :]
Flow of Story: 9/10

The flow of the story is smooth and the story is well-paced. It doesn’t create any discomfort at all and it actually gives the readers space and time to ponder. This is highly commendable. Keep it up! =D

Writing Style: 5/5

I would give high recognition to you here. I am really impressed with your writing style. It is prominent and consistent throughout the whole story.
I would use "short and sweet" to describe your writing style because I rarely finds long, run-on sentences or paragraphs. Instead, you develop a softer approach towards the readers. Although you chose to narrate the story in different point of views of the two protagonists, the story was still very clear and easy to understand.
Also, what’s most impressive is how you build up the characterisation of the characters through the different point of view of the two characters. As I read your story, I realise that you didn’t tell and describe the characters directly, but chose to "tell" the readers through dialogues and the characters’ point of views. For example, "He doesn’t like to talk." from Xuan’s point of view. From here, the readers can infer that Ah Sen is a quiet person who doesn’t like to interact with the others. This is really well done. Not is it different from others, it has even developed to become your individual unique style of writing. Do continue it! :D

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

This is definitely a piece of light reading suitable for leisure readings. I really enjoy this story very much. I am also impressed how it managed to arouse a mixture of feelings in me, sweet and simple yet it has a tinge of melancholic feeling. =)

Bonus marks: 4/5

Two marks goes to replying the readers and appreciating their comments. The other two marks goes to the fact that I have really enjoyed this fanfic. :)

Total mark: 80/100

Additional comments:

Dearest gal, I’m so sorry for the late review! I was having my exams previously. Hope you will understand.
One last comment on your story, your story is weak in terms of content. However, your writing style is impressive. So, remember to work harder on content wise! Good luck! :DD

Reviewed by(Lovie)@midnight-tree.co.nr

to love or to hate

2008-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Title: to love or to hate

Author: by Jelly

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Jelly96/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 5.5/10

The title itself wasn't too outstanding. It was very common in Winglin so it wasn't too attractive.

Poster & Background = --/10

Since you didn't have a poster or a background, I shouldn't mark on this then.:)

Foreword = 5/10
The cast was clearly listed out. Nice job on that. However, the short paragraphs made me a little hesitant to read on. It also sounded too cliché to me. Maybe you could add in more emotions to enhance the whole forewords :) Just a penny of my thoughts :P

Cast = 2/5

Not much comment on the cast. :) Great pairing but hardly any characterizations. Perhaps because it was only the beginning of the story?

Originality & Creativity = 5/15

I saw no originality there. No much creativity too. The chapter still sounded cliché to me and highly overused. Try adding in more, emotional to enhance the whole story. Adding in a little twists here and there would also help the story to be better.

Plot = 5/15

Quite commonly used. Either way, it was going to be lover together or haters apart. They were so predictable in the sense that it would bore the reader. Try to add in more twists here and there to make it more interesting and less predictable. More emotional development of the character would be a plus.

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 4/10

I found it hard to read the story with the kind of sentence structure you were using. You had a big problem making up sentence and joining them together properly. It seemed to be like one whole big chunk of words without fullstop or comma that didn’t sound too right. Like this:

So when they went to the tennis court Myolie was telling Raymond "can you please help me with some thing can you make Bosco jealous please" Raymond said "but he is my cousin" Myolie then said "I know but just pretend you’re my boyfriend for like around 3 or 4 days please" Raymond then said "okay".
Should had been written like:

So, when they went to the tennis court.

"Can you please help me think of ways to made Bosco jealous, Please?" Myolie told Raymond

"But he is my cousin.' Raymond said

"I know, but just pretend to be my boyfriend for a few days, Please?' Myolie said

"Okay" Raymond said

It looked nicer and sounded better.

You usage of words is sometimes wrong in the story as well.

It made the story hard to read and a little out of place at some scenes.

Flow Of The Story: 4.5/10

I was a little un-comfortable with the flow, I found it a little too, out of place. It was a little bumpy here and there. Try to break down long and choppy sentences to made the story flow better.

Writing Style: 2/5

I find your writing style a little awkward. A little bumpy here and there like I mentioned in the flow. Correct them and i believe you can improve more on it. :)

Overall enjoyment = 3/10

I hardly enjoyed the story. The chunky sentences made my reading more un-pleasant.. The awkward and bumpy flow of the story really turn me off from the story. But I believed that if you improve more on your flow and writing style, the story would get better. Cut down on choppy and unwanted sentence and down with un-wanted words.

Bonus Mark: 0/5

Total: 36

Additional Comments:
Like I mentioned. Cut down on those choppy and long sentences. Get rid of those awkward and bumpy flow. I believed the story can be much better this way. Forgive me for the low marks, I had tried my best not to be too hard on marks but I couldn't help much. So sorry about it. Maybe when you made the story better and finish it, you can request a review for it again.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Dark Path

2008-05-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Title: Dark Path
Author: Angel_in_pain502 aka Tina
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Dark_Path/
Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 8/10
Dark Path usually indicates a person choosing the wrong path in life and you have represented that title throughout your story. Raymond, because of Selina’s death decided to punish himself by continually throwing himself in the face of danger. However, what puzzled me was why he didn’t respect Selina’s last wish, which was obviously to get him out of the gang. He only decided to enforce the idea of getting out of the gang when Charmaine came along. Bit strange there.

Poster & Background: 5/10
The graphics used on the poster and background could be better. The quote on the poster doesn’t seem right. I’m not just talking about the grammar mistakes in it, it just seems like you’re advertising some product when you asked that question. This is only a suggestion, but maybe it could have been: ‘Let me be the one to hold you by the hand and lead you out of the dark path.’ The question just seems to ruin the whole quote. Charmaine on the poster represents a rich and wealthy girl which is the opposite of the one in the story. Try to relate the characters to the poster. The font of Dark Path makes the story appear to be a fantasy genre? It sort of seems out place on the poster. The font you’ve chosen, although it’s easy to read but electric blue doesn’t seem to flow with your story. The black background is fine but the Charmaine and Raymond kind of look as if they were just stuck there randomly.

Foreword: 3/10
Your foreword revealed too much of the plot of the story. Keep in mind that even though you have written, “May contain spoilers” the reader will still read it. You don’t expect the reader to not read the character introduction just because you have revealed too much of the plot. As for the synopsis, I think it can be briefer than that. You didn’t really have to say about Selina’s death or Charmaine’s attack. Your story will reveal that soon enough, maybe the last paragraph of that synopsis would have sufficed.

Cast Used: 3/5
The cast wasn’t bad. I just didn’t like the way you portrayed Raymond. One minute he’s this cold guy and the next; he’s joking around and having fun. Try to keep his personality consistent throughout the whole story. If you want to make him comical then give him some jokes and funny actions. If he’s an introvert, then give him fewer lines and when he’s expressing himself make it seem awkward. The rest of the cast was fine. By the way, it’s Kevin Cheng, not Cheung.

Originality & Creativity: 13/15
Yes, I got to admit, it was pretty original and creative. I don’t know if it’s the cast but it feels like something TVB would produce lol. Although it does seem TVB-ish, it is certainly not fanfic-ish. Nice work.

Story & Plotting: 13/15
The plotting of the story was good. I liked how you wrote according to what you had written in the foreword. Nothing was changed and it told the story according to the reader’s expectation. I really liked the twist about how Moses turned out to be a cop at the end. It was nicely done, but I thought that his lasts words to Raymond were a bit cheesy. Considering that he’s a cop and has absolute no relation to Raymond, he could have spelled out a secret that could take the gang down or so, not reveal about Selina Sheh’s death.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 1/10
I spotted words that have been misspelt throughout the story but most are what I expect to be typos. The grammar on the other hand is completely horrendous. You keep switching from past tense to present tense. The sentence structure is really bad and hard to follow.

There were times when doctors had their part in your story. The dialogue that you gave them to say sounds pretty informal. When they talk, they usually say it in a complicated matter then they explain it plainly and formally. At some point, you even allowed to talk in slang.

Flow of Story: 7/10
The flow of the story was really well done. Nothing seemed to pop out of nowhere and it wasn’t too draggy or too rushed. The only problem was how you ended the story. You left a gap between Raymond confronting Johnny and Kevin and Selina’s wedding. A gap usually allows the reader to come up with their own conclusion, but your gap was way too big. It left me wondering, “What the hell happened to Raymond?” I’m not sure how you can fix that problem except to actually state it out. The gap was not only unnecessary but also a nuisance to the reader.

Writing Style: 0/5
Your writing style is not bad, but it’s certainly not good either. You write these ridiculously large paragraphs when you shouldn’t. I’ll tell you what I learnt in seventh grade; a new paragraph every time a person talks! You combined a whole entire conversation into a paragraph and expect us to figure out which person is talking and who had spoken that sentence. Try to be clearer in your work.

Instead of finishing a finished sentence with a full stop, you carry on that sentence by adding in commas when it should have ended already. For example:

Raymond notice her worries, “Hey, Kevin, go get the car, I’ll be right out,” he said, “Okie,” Kevin left, Raymond leans in Selina and put his left hand on her neck, he kisses her forehead, “Don’t worry, every times I safely return, including this time, I promise to be safe…we’ll still have a wedding and…our baby…remember? Don’t worry Selina, I’ll be fine.”

You do realize that what you had written there is ONE sentence? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that. It was just absolutely so long! I can see multiple places a full stop could have been placed in that sentence. Scary, isn’t it?

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
It was alright, the twist at the end where Moses was actually a cop was what stood out to me in this story. However, the grammar and vocabulary was really a big turn off. It was difficult to understand what you meant and hard to read also. Also, when you add in your own personal comments in brackets wasn’t such a good idea either. You will always have time to write your thoughts at the end of the chapter in a section you can call “Author’s Note” or something like that.

Bonus marks: 1.5/5
A point for acknowledging the graphic artist and referring back to their site. Half a point for occasionally communicating to those that commented.

Total mark: 59.5/100

Additional comments: You kept trying to reassure your readers at the end of each chapter near the beginning of the story that Charmaine will in fact appear soon. You really don’t have to do that, it makes it seem as though you’re trying to bribe Charray fans into supporting your story. If your story is good then there is no reason for them to leave, have more confidence.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

2008-05-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

Title: Dark Mendacities
Author: illusions
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/d_mendacities/
Reviewed By: WZ

Title: 9/10

This title was very creative, including a powerful vocabulary. Mendacities. Perhaps that word would catch a lot of curious readers wondering what the word means. The words also strung together a very lyrical flow. I like.

Poster & Background: 9/10

The poster is gorgeous! I absolutely adore the appearance of your story. Although the background was left black, I felt this was very appropriate. The reader wouldn’t be distracted from your story. Thumbs up!

Foreword: 5/10

Your forewords was really unsatisfying. To me, starting with a message to your readers is a big no-no. Who would be interested in your story if all they read is what you have to say about how much you want to finish your story? Second of all, I barely get to know your story through your forewords. All you did was shove a long list of names and descriptions at my face. Although the descriptions do hint a bit about the plot, I still believe you should have included a short summary or prologue.

Cast Used: 4/5

I am pretty neutral with the celebrities you featured. No preference. No grudge. Also, I sense that you developed your main characters quite well. For instance, you established Raymond’s hot-tempered nature within the first few chapters.

Originality & Creativity: 10/15

Hmm. What can I say? I never really said “WOW” to anything I read. Maybe it is because I’ve been watching higher quality mystery dramas and reading professional novels.However, I’ve read many other triad fan fics that I enjoyed more than yours. Perhaps you could incorporate more of your own style and creativity into this story.

Story & Plotting: 12/15

Disregarding the originality factor, your story plot was quite okay. I could follow it despite its slight jumpiness (see below). It was readable, a much appreciated factor.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

One structure problem that really bothered me was combining two speakers’ dialogue into one paragraph. You must separate what one speaker has said from the other’s. This was taught in elementary English.

Also, there are a few grammar mistakes you’ve made. Nothing major but pay attention to these details. See if you can find a beta reader.

Chapter One –
“Under the routine direction of the police, the entire bar was emptied out in a fifteen minutes.”

Did you mean to say “in fifteen minutes”?

Flow of Story: 6/10

I don’t get your story at all. Why? It doesn’t flow. One minute I was reading about searching for car keys and the next? Nick forbids Myolie to get involved. Out of nowhere, the story suddenly jumps to the next day. A headache was creeping onto me because this was far too jumpy for me.

Writing Style: 3/5

The judgment of writing style is completely subjective. I could tolerate your writing style but I certainly did not love it. You included some humor which made up for many things. Also, I did not find anything very unique about your style. Hence, I encourage you to develop your own writing style while improving on other aspects. (See above)

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

Again, this is subjective, isn’t it? I may give you a 7 but others may give you a 4 or even a 9. I didn’t really enjoy this story because I have no interest in triads and gangs in Hong Kong. However, there was nothing that I strongly disliked. This was a very neutral story for me.

Bonus marks: 5/5
You credited midnight-tree.co.nr in your forewords and you replied to your reader’s comments

Total mark: 72/100 + 5 Bonus

Addtional comments:

Efforts appreciated. Good luck.

reviewed by WZ @midnight-tree.co.nr

~* 你是我的眼 *~

2008-05-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

Title: ~* 你是我的眼 *~
Author: Lovie =D
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie6/
Reviewed By: SAM

Title: 7/10
虽然很喜欢你的标题，但就是觉得有点太普通了。一般读者一看就会马上联想到你的故事一定是在写有眼疾的人物，然后故事主人翁的另一半一定就会以我是你的眼来作为对彼此的承诺。这样下来，故事的发展就不再那么的有新鲜感了。你可以试着以抽象标题来命名，或许能加就人们的好奇心。不是说，好奇能杀死一只猫吗？

你说你的故事灵感来自于“你是我的眼”的歌曲，但除了歌词以外，我并不能找到任何的关联。你可以让歌词里的句子让故事里的主人翁以对话的方式呈现出来，或许，效果会更好也不一定。

不过好在你还有穿插一些歌词描述女主角对失明人士的疼惜的感觉，这就为你标的题目加了不少分。

Poster & Background: 9/10
海报的背景和人物塔配的相当完美，人物的表情是处于哀伤，令人不知觉会有一种心疼的感觉。但唯一美中不足的是颜色，如果要使用那么悲伤的照片，我认为可以再用低沉一点的颜色，效果会更好。

Foreword: 3/10
介绍直接分明。很不错。但故事的后续，你是以人物们的真名来写，但介绍却漏写了，这样如果那些不是很清楚谁是谁的观众，岂不是一头雾水？抱歉了，这里的不足只能大大扣分了。

再来是你以[画外音] 来作为你故事的开头是我觉得挺不错的构思。但，主角人物的对话显得有点死板，很难让人有任何的画面。或许在形容词上面可以在加强些。

Cast Used: 3/5
主角方面不用多说了，是使用时下最流行，最当红的团体。再加上虚构人物的出场方式，本人很喜欢，加分！不过，有时太常出现在别人故事里的人物“譬如王子”则会让人失去新鲜感，让人觉得厌倦。

Originality & Creativity: 3/15
很抱歉，3分我觉得是我的底线了。故事的大概只能说千篇一律。这种你害我，但我还爱你的残虐故事情节，我相信电视上常常都在演。所以说是创意，比较能说是“跟随电视潮流”

Story & Plotting: 7/15
故事方面虽然千篇一律，但描写的手法不错。但，你写作的方式很容易让人confused.怎么说呢？譬如，你在第一章写了他们重逢的悲伤喜悦，但一跳入第二章的时候，就忽然变成了女主角还没失明的时候。有时候，适时地加入一些“回忆中”，“故事得从xxx说起-”的字语，更能让人明白，知道自己即将进入哪一个故事的阶段。

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
使用的形容词啊，描写人物的表情不错。错别字大致上还算还好。介于刚刚好的水平。我明白一个人在打字上快的话，很容易出现同音字，所以在这上面并不多扣分。

Flow of Story: 6/10
故事的流畅度还算不错，起码能让读者感受主角们的爱恨情仇。

Writing Style: 2/5
写作的方式我觉得有待加强。建议如果你再写对话的时候，最好让你的对话独立。
因为毕竟你是在写中文故事，所以协作的方式和英文的写作大大不同。尽量不要再一行句子里加入太多的对话，这样会显得很乱。

Example:
“好棒！小翊最棒了！”小颖大声地欢乎，然后把小翊拉了起来。

小翊点了点小颖的鼻子，“你少来！别以为嘴甜，我就会让你。不过，嘴继续甜吧！我好喜欢这样的小颖！”说着，小翊和小颖咯咯笑了起来。

但，不过几秒钟，小颖突然又想起谱子要弹钢琴就把小翊拉进“钢琴霖”了。

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
还不错，值得推荐。

Bonus marks: 3/5
和读者的互动很不错，懂得回应读者的反应，更虚心接受。能协作的潜力很不错，只要多用点心，还是能成为很棒的写作家。

Total mark: 56/100

总的来说，如果作者您再用点心思的话，一切会更完美。加油！
以上是个人的意见，并不代表任何发言人物。

My Dongsaeng, My little angel

2008-05-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

Title: My Dongsaeng, My little angel

Author: by Nara Bunnie

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/bunnie/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 8/10

The title is lovely and cute.. :) I really love how it is connected to the story.. :) Good job.. :)

Poster & Background = 8.5/10

Lovely.. :) I love the poster.. It is so sweet and cute.. Giving off the right mood that suit the story.. :) The background match well with the poster.. :) Great job to the designer.. :)

Foreword = 8/10

A great detail information of the cast list and their personailty.. Great Job.. :) I really love how you shape out the characters.. The detail really made me interested and wanting to read on to know how the story goes on.. Great Job.. :)

Cast = 5/5

No much comment on the cast.. :) Great pairing.. Characterizations wise, i can see your great effort for shaping up each character.. So, full marks..

Originality & Creativity = 12.5/15

The originailty and creativity is certainly there.. :) I like your idea of the pair of heart gold pendant(The story of it, I mean).. It's interesting how fate can play on two sibling whom was hoping to see each yet, bump into each other so much without themself realising it.. The idea was fresh and interesting.. Your creativity can be more use in the emotional aspect of the character, adding in more touching moments between the sibling.. I also greatly encourage you to let your imagination run wild.. :) I also like the cute-ness in the story.. Somehow, there is a touch of a little cute-ness in the story which made me love it, the innocents thoughts of the characters.. I greatly encourage you to add in more interaction of the character to enrich the story.. :)

Plot = 12.5/15

I like ur plotting.. There is a sense of cute-ness in it.. The interaction between the characters are all well written.. The story flow well starting how you write the foreword till now, it's all link up nicely and plotted out well.. It's not widely seem in the site with the kind of plot you used.. I really like the cute interaction between Geun Young and Ki Bum(Ok, I confess, I don't really know who they are, But, to be honest, I like how you portray them in the story).. Plot wise, i was hoping to see more twistes here and there making the story with more surprises.. :) Like i mention, i greatly encourage you too add on more interaction between the characters and more emotional aspect too.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 8.5/10

There are not too much problem in the lanaguage for this story.. :) Just some small and understandable mistake.. :) Nothing much.. Good Job.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 9/10

The flow was smooth, all clearing written out and well planned out.. The speed was just right.. Right tempo.. Everything runs so smoothly, like a peaceful river.. Good job..

Writing Style: 4/5

Nice.. I like your writting style.. But i do have some problem with your spacing part for the chapters.. I notice you like to sort of clamp everything up into one whole paragraph.. Like this..

Its was quite windy. Geun Young was sitting by the benchat the school park staring at the half of the broken heartgold pendant bracelet written 'DS' at the front and 'JJ'at the back. She does not know what is mean though but allshe knew is that it means alot. There is meaning behind itshe believe. It is half broken so the other half must havebeen with another particular person whom is related to herperhaps but she would not bother. The gold pendant hadbeen with her since she was a kid that she cannot evenremember when.

I believe spacing them more widely out, it's much more easier for the reader to read.. Like this..

It was quite windy. Geun Yong was sitting atthe half of the broken heart gold pendant bracelet written 'DS' at the front and 'JJ' at the back.

She does not know what is mean though but all she knew is that it means alot. There is meaning behind it she believe.

It is half broken so the other half must have been with another particular person whom is related to her perhaps but she would not bother. The gold pendant had been with her since she was a kid that she cannot even remember when.

Doesn't it looks more neater this way??

So do take note and space the words well..

No offence, Just a penny of my thought..

Overall enjoyment = 9/10

I do really enjoy reading the story.. It clearly brighten up my days with the intersting plotting and cute intereactions.. :) Great Job.. Well, as the story are not completed, this aspect is not so accurate at time now, so do remember to sent in for a review when the story are completed.. :)

Bonus Mark: 4/5

2 for replying readers and 2 for the effort for writting the story.. :)

Total: 89

Additional Comment:

Like i mention.. Your story was good.. :) Everything aspect was nicely plan and written out.. :) I was hoping to see more interaction plus emotional aspect in the future updates.. :) Good luck.. :) Sent in for review when it's finish for a more detail review.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

The Waltz

2008-05-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

Title: The Waltz

Author: The Elle

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/waltz/

Reviewed By: shattered teardrops

~I’m not sure if you’re the same Elle who wrote the story Until Her Last Breath which I’ve taken a liking of reading, but I would like to warn you that I am here as a constructive critic with the word ‘critic’ given much emphasis. I hope you understand what position I am holding here. I would like to be as unbiased as possible.

Title: 4/10

~The title sounded plain and it really didn’t catch my attention. Furthermore, reading into your chapters, the only connection I can find with the title was the part on the cruise ship where Qiao En and Ming Dao danced the Waltz. Well, of course, I do put into consideration that your fic isn’t finished yet and maybe you have future plans of putting up a chapter with a major reference to the title… er… Do you?

Poster & Background: 4/10

~The poster wasn’t much. I think it was simply a bunch of pictures placed on the same background and was declared a poster. It didn’t even have whatsoever connection to the story.

I think what a poster does is that, it depicts the general theme of the story, you know, like a movie poster. For a sad story, it should be mellow tones and soft colors, for horror, it’s usually black,red and grey and dark shades.

Just a piece of advice, next time you request for a poster, please choose an artist who is capable enough. I don’t mean to do some advertising but I really do recommend the artists in MT because I know that they are really capable people.

Forewords: 7/10

~ “THE WALTZShe has no past. He has no heart. What can a dance do?”

>>> Now this sentence makes me want to read it, however, when I finished reading your chapters, where was the waltz? What did the waltz do? Well, again, it’s maybe because your fic isn’t finished yet.

The character introductions were lovely. I gave out merits for that. It made me want to read more and I can see the effort for putting hanging sentences on the end of each character background so that the readers will have something to look forward to.

However, I must point out that the character backgrounds made the story sound predictable. That’s why I took some points of. You must not give out too much details on the forewords because what fun is it to read something you can already predict, right?

Another thing is the preview. Just random sentences? I mean, come on, not even a decription where it happened? It’s not picturesque without adjectives describing the event. I mean you could have added some small details.

Cast Used: 3/5

~I’m not really a fan of any of the artists you used but I do know them. For the first few chapters, I can’t seem to differentiate the relationship of Ming Dao and Qiao En, and Leon and Cyndi, but as the story progressed, I began to see distinctive traits which I think is good. So, points to that.

Originality & Creativity: 7/15

~There has been a swarm of stories about amnesia and being torn from the past and present, so I think, your story is cliché. Also, another cliché is the male lead being torn from his priesthood and his true love. Another cliché. Basically, I think you simply combined two cliché plots so it’s not that original. Points off for that. Creativity-wise, I think it’s simply a so-so.

Story & Plotting: 7/15

~As I’ve said, cliché. Apart from that, I think your story is progressing on too fast. I mean, there was no build up on the relationship of Leon & Qi Wen. At first Leon was scared of Qiao En when they first saw her as the washed up girl on the shore but he later found her beautiful and eventually liked her. I think you should have put up a chapter or two about what did Leon find attractive in Qiao En/Qi Wen except her beauty or her innocence. Pardon me, I don’t believe in love at first sight. I mean you don’t fall in love with someone because of mere beauty.

And you know, for someone without any memory, it’s not that easy to develop a new personality that fast. Please expound a little more on that. Further more, yes, Qi Wen was glad to have Li papa, Leon & Cyndi but she should have at least some difficulty in coping up with them. She should have been in a state of minor shock when she woke up without having any memories, right? I mean, what would you do if you woke up in a room without remembering anything and having a stranger who offer you to be their daughter? I think that should be further described in the story.

Another thing is when Qi Wen started painting. You didn’t describe how she got hold of the painting materials which I think is a minor detail but is essential. Where did she find the painting materials? How did she find them? What did she feel when she first held a paintbrush? Did she feel familiar with it? When she first took a stroke of paint on a blank paper, what did she feel? What sort of image was projected in her mind that she wanted to draw? You could have explained all that. I think these are important because her paintings are her link to her past and also, a great deal of Qi Wen’s personality involved painting. Not to mention, it was also the medium by which she expressed her memories.

Also, on Chapter Eight, I think you might want to insert an introductory paragraph on top to explain that it was already three years later because the beginning was all too confusing. I was blindly groping for any sensible word until I read that it was already three years later on the bottom part of the chapter. I think that would make the readers understand better.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

~Spelling-wise, there are a few typos which I think are forgivable.

Example… “What I'm saying is, her mind blocks all memories from her past to be able to not relieve painful memory.” >>> I think the right word is ‘relive’

Grammar-wise, you have substantially good english with a few paragraphs which I think are very good. Some paragraphs were well-crafted while others were simply put there in order to have some narration. You have some slight cases of tense shifting and missing articles but they’re forgivable.

Example… “ Lin Ming Dao's heart filled with regrets and pain” >>> I think it should be “Lin Ming Dao’s heart was filled with regret and pain.”

Vocabulary-wise, you have basic knowledge of words in English and I think that is passable enough. Though I’d have to say, as an author myself, you have to keep striving for improvement. Reading the dictionary wouldn’t be bad.

Flow of the Story: 6/10

~As I’ve said, the progressing of the story is too fast. The relationship between Leon & Qi Wen was not given enough time to mature. The three-year gap was all too confusing. Qi Wen recovered and moved on much too soon. Your pace is a bit too fast which resulted to the lack of emphasis on major turns on the story. Also, Ming Dao decided to be a priest, again, much to soon. He should’ve taken more time to think and ponder.

Writing Style: 2/5

~Pace is too fast, I’d have to repeat that yet again. Also, there was lack of characterization. Yes, your characters were distinct from each other but they didn’t really grow that much. Qiao En was still the talkative girl who suddenly grew up and the only difference was that she was already a lawyer. You always portray the talkative side of her and you don’t highlight that part of her which is heartbroken because of her unrequited love for Leon. Yes, you did put some sentences expressing her unrequited love for him but you know, narrating a point in the story is different from highlighting it. You are writing a romance novel. Each point in the story which deals with the complex emotion of one character towards another should be highlighted.

Another thing, Ming Dao’s decision to be a priest was simply explained in one sentence that it almost seemed unrealistic, if you know what I mean. You could’ve added more details like what he was feeling when he made the decision. Yes, recalling memories of him and Qiao En were like proof that he missed her and he blamed himself for her ‘death’ but you know, when someone is making a life-altering decision such as priesthood, aside from considering your feelings, you also think. And I think, that was what was lacking. You did not clearly explain Ming Dao’s thoughts whil he was praying until he reached the conclusion that the only thing he could do to attain for his mistake was to enter priesthood.
There was lack of description of each character’s thoughts. You always described what they felt and I think that was good but not enough. There are always two sides to a coin. You should balance the intellectual description and the emotional description of the characters to make them more realistic and in depth.

Furthermore,
“…Ming Dao was driving though a narrow, mountain side road without any particular destination in mind. All he knew was that he needed to get away. Away from all the hurt and lies.He gripped the steering wheel tighter and accelerated. Behind, his car left a trail of autumn leaves, like his past. But his past is empty, he thought. What was his past? He was not sure of it anymore. All the things he knew had been contradicted tonight. Every defense mechanism he thought of crumbled right before his very eyes.” >>> I think these two paragraphs can be combined into one. Don’t you think?

Also, I think your dialogues are may messed up that it makes reading your story a pain. The dialogues confuse me a lot. I mean, I’m confused who is really saying that particlar line.

Example,
‘…"But I thought--" Qi Wen looked at Leon . Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough." As the group chuckled, Qi Wen's eyes met Ming Dao's. At one point the warm sensation of familiarity filled Qi Wen again. She felt intrigued about this priest in front of her, who seemed to bring uncanny surprises. "When did you hear the call?" She asked again, this time more serious and being more personal. Ming Dao felt a tinge of pain. So she doesn't have any clue it was because of her, he thought. He wanted to stand up and tell her directly. "It's you! You’re Chen Qiao En! You're not Li Qi Wen!"…’

The whole thing was placed in one jumbled paragraph that it is confusing to read. I think you should place it like this.

‘… "But I thought--" Qi Wen looked at Leon .

Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough."

As the group chuckled, Qi Wen's eyes met Ming Dao's. At one point the warm sensation of familiarity filled Qi Wen again. She felt intrigued about this priest in front of her, who seemed to bring uncanny surprises.

"When did you hear the call?" She asked again, this time more serious and being more personal.

Ming Dao felt a tinge of pain. So she doesn't have any clue it was because of her, he thought. He wanted to stand up and tell her directly. "It's you! You’re Chen Qiao En! You're not Li Qi Wen!"…’

Don’t you think it’s much clearer? Don’t be scared to use spaces between paragraphs, honey. They’re placed there for a purpose. I also think you could further improve this paragraph by adding descriptive sentences like…

‘… Cyndi, on the other hand, waved her hand, seemingly dismissing Leon . "He's exaggerating, obviously. Ming Dao might be pious, but not pious enough." She stated with a warm smile on her place as she looked at Ming Dao…’

You get what I mean, dear? I hope you do. I really want to help you improve.

Lastly,
‘…“Days have past and Qi Wen started her new job. Leon and Cyndi were both busy with their own careers and Jae Joong was still madly in love with Elle…’

Okay, Jae Joong wasn’t exacly part of the main cast hence I could not find any reason why you should put him there. Truthfully speaking, when I read this sentence, I cracked up. Now, you made me laugh but I think that’s a bad thing because by putting such sentence on your story, you are distracting your reader and that’s what’s bad. ^^

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

~I did enjoy some points in your story though I must say it’s a bit predictable. I’m not saying it’s not good, actually, it is good. I just think you can write this story in a better way than you did.

Bonus Marks: 3/5

~I give points to the replies you give to your readers because it simply shows that you love writing and you also love your readers. ^^

Total Mark: 56/100

Reviewed By: shatteredteardrops@midnight-tree.co.nr

Her Gay Best Friend and the Rest of Her Life

2008-05-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

Title: Her Gay Best Friend and the Rest of Her Life

Author: by per-per

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/perper3/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 8.5/10

That was a interesting an bold title to use.. :) It's really eye-catching and cute in some way.. I love how it's connected to the story.. Great Job.. :)

Poster & Background = 7/10

I totally adore the poster.. :) It's so sweet and nice.. However, I feel the background doesn't really match with the poster.. The background is kinda of dark and moody.. Not the kind of theme i am see-ing the story is going.. :)

Foreword = 8/10

1 word.. Brilliant.. I really love how you start the foreword with the Prologue.. It was a real detail of how the story was going to go.. I really like how you describe Ella life in it and i was really absorb by them.. It made me wanted to read on what happen next and wanting to read on.. Great Job.. Maybe you can add in a short cast intro to made the foreword more interesting.. :) Just a penny of my though, No offence.. :)

Cast = 5/5

No much comment on the cast.. :) Great pairing.. Brilliant characterizations.. I can really see the effort put in to shaping up the characters.. Good effort.. :)

Originality & Creativity = 13/15

I totally love the idea of your story.. It's not like the same old romance story out in winglin.. The comedy part made the story better.. It's very original and creative in the story.. I was totally amused by those comedy part and they are all so creative.. :) Geat job.. The twist of Wu Chun is a gay is not a surprise yet, i love how you twist it to be a lie.. Totally un-expected (for me, i realy gonna believe Wu Chun is a gay) yet interesting.. I believe the story can go better if you have more emotional parts of Ella and Wu Chun added.. Just a penny of my thought, No offence.. :)

Plot = 13/15

I totally love you story plot.. Interesting, funny, entertaining.. I like how you link up the title and the story plot.. It was a totally re-freshing kind of romance story i had seem since i start my reviewing story.. It was pretty unique, and the comedy adds on made the story completely brilliant.. I believe with more twistes here and there, and adding more emotional aspect for the character, the story can get to a greater height.. :) All the best then.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

Not much problem for this.. Just maybe a few small and littles ones.. But overall, It's fine.. :) Good Job.. :P

Flow Of The Story: 9/10

I'm very comfortable with the flow.. It's smooth and clear.. Flow well when everything is added up.. :) No much problem for this part.. Continue the good job.. The speed was just right.. Making everyone interested to read on with the right tempo.. :)

Writing Style: 4/5

Fine.. :) I totally love your story.. :) I may sound a little bias.. :) But, truthlly speaking.. It's brilliant.. :) The style was clear and easy to follow.. I have no much problem reading and enjoying the great story.. That's good.. Keep up the good job.. :)

Overall enjoyment = 9.5/10

I totally enjoy every little momen reading the story.. :) The comdey part made me have a good laugh here and there.. Everything in it was so cute and lovely.. :) I love the interaction of Ella with the 3 guys.. It was pretty well written out.. I was hoping to see more interesting interaction between Ella and the 3 guys.. All the best.. :)

Bonus Mark: 4/5

2 for the effort replying the readers, 1 for the wonderful story, 1 for the comdey part give me some good laugh.. :)

Total: 90

Additional Comment:

OK, i mention again and again, I totally love the story.. :) The comdey part made me have a good laugh and the interaction between the characters are well written.. :) As mention, i do hope to see more of that interaction out in the story in the later part when you continue writting.. Do remember to add in more twistes and emotional aspect for the character like what i mention to made the story more better.. :) Just a penny of my thoughts, so no offences.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Crushed

2008-05-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

Title: Crushed

Author: by brokenrainbows

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/shortstorycrush

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 7.5/10

The title itself wasn't really too stands out in winglin.. However, I like how it is related to the story.. The sparks of the connection of the title and the story is really good.. :)

Poster & Background = --/10

Since u don't have a poster and background.. I shouldn't mark on this then.. :)

Foreword = 7/10

I like the short intro parahgraph in it.. :) The cast was also list out well.. :) So everything is fine.. Not too bad.. The short paragraph mades me when to read on.. :) Good job.. :)

Cast = 3/5

No much comment on the cast.. :) Great pairing.. But hardly seen any characterizations.. Reason being maybe it's 1 shot.. So it's harder.. :) But not bad overall.. :)

Originality & Creativity = 12.5 /15

Well.. It was rather a different kind of story.. Since it was your own experience, I believe it's very speical in some way.. Quite nice for a one shot story.. Although it's short, every emotion is well develop.. :)

Plot = 12.5/15

I love your plot for this story.. Clean and easy to read.. :) everything is well wrote out.. :) It's good.. You clearly developed the emotion out in the story well.. Good job.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

Not bad.. Hardly found any.. Only some small ones.. But overall it’s good.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 8/10

The story is smooth.. The pace was just right.. It's clear and easy to follow.. Nice job.. :P

Writing Style: 4/5

I like the way you write your story.. Clean and clear.. Easy to follow.. Good job.. :) I'm rather comfortable with it.. :)

Overall enjoyment = 8/10

I enjoy every moment reading the story.. Myabe it's an own experience.. It's special in some way.. :) I really love it.. :P

Bonus Mark: 2/5

The effort of making the story.. :)

Total: 73.5

Additional Comment:

The storyline is lovely and nice.. :) Everything is clear stated out.. :P

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Until You Lose Her

2008-05-05T07:14:00.001-07:00

Title: Until You Lose Her

Author: by sam

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BadGirl_Shadow2/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 7.5/10

The title itself is much attractive and eye-catching.. It catch my attention when i first read them.. Good job.. I also can see how it's link with the story.. :) Nice connection..

Poster & Background = 8/10

Sweet.. I love the poster.. :) It match very well with the background.. Giving off sweet-ness which suit very much with the theme.. :)

Foreword = 6/10

The cast line is clearly list out.. Nice job.. I don't really encourage using other names for the main cast as i find it confusing when i continue to read on.. The short paragraph you state to start off the story wasn't too attractive to made me want to read on.. It sound like same kind of romance story out in winglin.. Maybe you can add in a little more something to made a sparkle out of it..

Cast = 3/5

No much comment on the cast.. :) Great pairing.. Characterizations wise, i can see some effort for it.. But, as i mention in the foreword part, i don't not encourage changing of name for the cast as it will cause some confusion on the later part.. Take note of that..

Originality & Creativity = 11/15

Well.. To be honest.. There are a whole lot of romance story out there with the person liking each other for very long, yet i hardly seen any kind of story like yours which writes about two non-blooded siblings liking each other.. It was quite original and creative in the sense.. Howevere, i find some part of the story too commonly used in those romance kind of story.. I mean, about, the triangle parts of them tangle together is quite commonly used and quite predictable.. However, in the later part of the story, the twistes made surprise me and making the story much more un-predictable, making the reader wanting to read on, good job.. :)

Plot = 10/15

I find the story plot pretty interesting.. Ranging from the starting when two un-related non-blooded person become siblings and the sister had crushed on his brother.. To sandra's love realtionship with luke and charile.. All of them are well-written and well planned out.. However, i believe you could add in more emotional aspect of the character of the story into the story to enhance the story.. What's more is, some twist of the story are so much predicated that it may boreds out the reader, take note of them and made them more, interesting and un-predicated.. So much so that, it will made your story much more better.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 7.5/10

The language in the story ain't that bad.. But grammer wise, i believe you can be better in it when you practise more on writting.. Pratise made prefect.. :) Other then that, i also notice some problem in your phrasing of words.. Meaning you tend to put words in the wrong order or position.. Like for example..
Instead of this..

Sandra was once a sweet girl with two loving parents was never going to be the same again at home.

You can re-pharse them like this..

Once a sweet girl with two loving parent, Sandra will never going to be the same at home..
It sound more smooth flowing like this?? Right??

Other then that, Everything is just fine.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 8/10

The flow was quite smooth.. Everything is well written in detail.. The speed was just nice, right tempo.. :) Good job.. :)

Writing Style: 4/5

Your writing style is good.. Clear and smooth.. Easy to follow flow.. Everything was just nice.. :)

Overall enjoyment = 8/10

I clearly enjoy the story.. Interesting plot and full of twists and surprises.. :) The chapter are all clearly written and i can follow them without much confusion, Good job.. :)

Bonus Mark: 3/5

2 for replying readers and 1 for the effort for writting the story.. :)

Total: 76

Additional Comment:

Like i mention.. Your story was nice.. :) I suggest you to add in more emotional aspect part for the character to made the story better.. :) More interaction between the characters are also strongly encourage.. :) All the best then.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Worlds Apart

2008-04-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

Title: Worlds Apart
Author: Pseudonym
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pseudonym/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 6.5/10
The title didn't do much to attract my attention but I got the connection of it to your story. The two characters have entirely different personalities and therefore they are worlds apart right? Slightly cliche and overused. And I would've given you more points except for the fact that you kept mentioning it and emphasizing on the difference between the two main characters. I groaned internally at the corniness a couple of times. But as I made my way through the story, I started to see that perhaps the title isn't as corny or cliched as I thought. It's a pretty apt title. I just don't like how it's yet another reminder of how different Jun and Aminata are.

Poster&Background: 6.5/10
I don't really like your background that much so I had to take off some points for that. The random dude (I presume he's the main character right?) is sort of diverting my attention from the writing. On the other hand, I do like your poster. The image is well chosen, he seems to be staring straight at me and it creates so much interest and mystique at the same time. I also like your quote. It sounds so beautiful.

Foreword: 7/10
At first I liked how most of your sentences seemed to connect and lead on to the consecutive one, it's really creative. But after the first five sentences, it got to be too much. And my mind started wandering. To be fair, I probably have some sort of attention deficient disorder (ADD). Very detailed introduction of the stories and of the character bios, which is a definite plus. I love the sound of the epic love story that you're planning and it piques my interest in reading your story.

Cast Used: 4/5
I don't have any knowledge of Japanese stars so I'm completely clueless as to who your stars are. But I like that you used a fictional character and a real life character together. You also characterized well and stuck to the images you created for each of them. I also enjoyed Gina's character, her wit and sarcasm was much appreciated. I sympathized with Aminata and I felt everything she did. I understand the psychological damages of being a rape child and how they affected her. You made your characters real, which is something not all authors do.

Originality & Creativity: 9/15
For a romance story, it isn't too typical or standard. I sort of get this feeling that this is supposed to be some sort of epic love story. I love the idea of an African American woman paired with a Japanese man. That is certainly not something you encounter often in winglin. There was still some aspects to your story that were predictable. The overwhelming goodness of Jun really got at my nerves half way through. No one is ever that perfect, but I understand that this is all from the POV of someone who is slightly obsessed with him. I also liked the random Japanese words that you inserted in there. It was very quirky and unique to your story.

I was going to give you a couple more points in the originality area but then I discovered that Jun had an ex-girlfriend, Yukie, that he was still mourning. The cynical and pessimistic part of me was ready to fully give up on this story. The addition of an ex-girlfriend is so typical but you somehow managed to make it not as generic, kudos to you. There were some aspects of this story that were a bit predictable. It started with Aminata having an abusive boyfriend and being "saved" by Jun, her crush. I also found it hard to believe that Aminata kept bumping into Jun wherever she went. The situations they met and conversed in were obviously fabricated.
And while the idea that Jun was a famous star and Aminata a rape child was slightly cliched, it worked. Instead of being repelled by the predictable situations, I was even more drawn in and interested in your story. I was going to award you some more points but then I came upon the fact that Aminata felt betrayed by Jun's secret and once again I felt the air go out of the balloon.

Story&Plotting: 8/15
I didn't really see or sense much of a plot going on. I feel somewhat led on by your forewords. And while I think this is a fairly good story, I couldn't give you many points for the plot. To be fair, I'm usually weary of fics that are completely romantic with no sub-plot or anything. I think it was a wise choice to write this in Aminata's point of view. It makes for a far more interesting read than it would have had it been in script style or paragraph style. I also really appreciated the switch to Jun's POV. This guy is really interesting and I couldn't quite figure out how his mind worked either. And to be honest, I thought that you'd have a sort of Romeo and Juliet type of story, but you didn't and I really appreciate that fact. Something else I didn't expect was Jun to be rich. I was with Aminata when he said it in the theater, I thought he was lying the entire time.

Halfway through your story, I was exhausted. I wasn't sure if I could really read any more without taking a break. It wasn't that your story is boring, you kept throwing in enough interesting tidbits to handle that. It was just that I couldn't imagine an ending for this story. I honestly didn't know where this was heading and if there was a point for me to continue. I'm just frustrated because I think this story has the potential to be better. Aminata's reoccurring dreams of being with Jun and of his family's disapproval is highlighting the fact that the two cannot possibly be a couple with one another. I get that. But I don't see why you need to keep pointing it out. It seems as if you are trying too hard to stick to your theme that they are different from one another.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
Well, your vocabulary is obviously advanced lol. I had to keep my dictionary ready at hand. But I was glad I didn't have to use it much. I really enjoyed reading something different from the usual vocabulary lists. And you were quite smart in your choice of words. They served its purpose in creating great images. I could see everything you were describing clearly in my head.
That being said, sometimes your wording was awkward and I think you would benefit from re-reading your chapters. It often seemed like some words were missing from your sentence structures. For example: "Normally, I wouldn't have bothered who had walked in." The "had" in that sentence was excessive and made it awkward. It disrupts the flow of your story because the reader often has to go back and re-read it again.

Unfortunately, I am also not a fan of the excessive use of dots in your sentences. I do understand why you used them, I used to be obsessed with them too. But that's just a personal preference I guess. And you described everything to a dot. I sort of had a love-hate relationship with that. On one hand I liked the image it created, on the other hand I found it hard to get through a paragraph in one sitting.

Flow Of Story: 7/10
Your story actually moves along pretty slowly. But I've got to admit that you were smart enough to cover that. I struggled to get through the forewords and Chapter 1 but after that it was pretty smooth sailing. The wording wasn't as heavy and the story flowed quite nicely. In fact I probably would've awarded you a higher score if I wasn't judging your story as I read it. I was almost halfway through your story before I realized that nothing new was happening.
Aminata and Jun's love story sort of progressed at snail speed but at the same time I was pleased that you didn't rush their relationship and allowed it sufficient time to develop. But that being said, I found myself skimming through some of your chapters and caught myself glancing at the clock a few times. I feel like you dragged out Aminata and Jun's interactions too many chapters. A few chapters, maybe five or six, would be sufficient but you dedicated almost every chapter to it.

Writing Style: 3.5/5
Personal preference is the only reason you weren't awarded a four or a five. Before I launch into my critique, I just want to say that I think you have a great writing style that many readers would enjoy. The problem is me. God, I feel like I'm breaking up with you or something. But I'm serious, it's not you, it's me lol. I tend to stray away from the long fictions and yours was wordy enough to make me put off reviewing your story even though I received this days ago and hand plenty of time on my hand. Honestly at times I felt like I was suffocating on your excessive descriptions. I am so glad that you lightened up later on in the story. Please don't take this personally, like I said, many readers LOVE this type of style.

Overall Enjoyment: 7.5/10
Like I said, I'm not really big on romantic stories. I have nothing against them, it's just that I like thrillers or mysteries more. But I've got to say, if I had to read a romantic story, yours would be the type I'd choose. It's not overly sweet, I mean I didn't feel like puking at any point, and it is written well.

Bonus marks: 3/5
You get a bonus for making me read thirteen chapters straight without begging for mercy! Lol, that's actually a compliment :] And another point for making me read the next few chapters consecutively too. And last of all, you got a point for making me fall for Jun also xD

Total mark: 70/100

addtional comments:

Hmm, I thought I was giving you pretty high marks until I finished adding them up. I know 70 out of 100 seems pretty low. It's barely a passing grade in some schools. But trust me when I say I did enjoy this story. The only areas where you lost points were in creativity/originality and plotting. I am positive you would score better if your story was finished before I started reviewing but alas it's not. I hope that my criticism serves to help you with the rest of your writing. Please don't be disappointed with this score. I sort of wish I did give you a higher mark because I believe your story merits a high mark. It's just that I know you can do something better with this story. I sound so corny, it's like a "I am pushing you harder because I believe in you" type of crap I'm spewing. But I am being honest. Edit your story, make it less heavy and get to your point quicker. It'll make for a great read :] I look forward to reading your finished product. In fact, this is the first story I reviewed that I personally want to read more of. Keep up the good work!

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

Was There Ever Anything Between Us?

2008-04-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

Title: Was There Ever Anything Between Us?
Author: WinterNight
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/beautifulwish7/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 3/10
Cliched title. And a really long one at that. I can see the obvious connection between the story. The title sort of led me to think that your story would be longer than one chapter or a one-shot.

Poster&Background: 2/10
You don't have a background so I can't give you any points on that front. Your choice of font color was a bit faint for my liking, I had to highlight your text to be able to read it without becoming lost. I admire that you created your poster yourself but it's a little too simple. The text choice was also poor, the script was hard to read. The white also doesn't stand out amongst the pink backing. I also didn't get the sense that you gave any thought to the choice of your pictures. The picture of Selina with her hair in a ponytail actually looks a lot like Hebe, so much that I thought it was actually her.

Foreword: 4/10
With a one-shot you usually don't need a long introduction. But your story was so brief that the short blurb of a background you provided was the only means I had of understanding your story. The forewords didn't do anything for me in terms of wetting my appetite. I wasn't drawn into the story at all.

Cast Used: 1/5
You really only used two characters. Selina and Jiro as a pairing is believable. Unfortunately, Selina as a not so pretty girl is not. I am not a believer that a little bit of makeup and letting your hair down will make you suddenly gorgeous. There was also no character development so I couldn't judge the depth of your characters and whether they were really suitable.

Originality & Creativity: 1.5/15
Once again, with only one chapter, and such a short chapter at that, I can't judge the depth of this story. I really hope that you'll consider re-editing and making this story longer. The story wasn't creative or original. The whole boy likes girl, girl likes boy and they both don't know line is overused and typical to any story. To be truthful, there are a hundreds of this type all over winglin. You need to create something in order to make it stand out. Otherwise, it's a dime a dozen.

Story&Plotting: 1/15
There really isn't any plot or story to this. The very basis of any story is to have a beginning, a middle and an end. At the very most your story has only a beginning. There is no middle and no end. I didn't have much to work with here. There was barely any context. You should also try to make your story interesting, which to me, it was not. I really wish you would consider editing or re-posting this story. You can build from what you wrote. But you cannot write a chapter and classify it as a one-shot.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 4/10
I picked up a couple of grammar problems. When using quotation marks, periods and commas are to be included inside them unless you have used exclamations or question marks. For example: "'How come I never notice it.', thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." The correct way to do it is : "'How come I never notice it,' thought Selina thoughtfully as she started to stare off." This problem occured a lot throughout your story. Also, you had some problems with your tenses. It is "noticed" instead of "notice". And you also used the word "thought" two times in one sentence, it's too excessive. Selina doesn't need to thoughtfully think two times in a row. Your vocabulary wasn't very complex. It was almost juvenile at times. But it was better than a lot of the other stories that I have read. Which is why it merited a full point.

Flow Of Story: 1/10
I can't really give you any points. I didn't get any flow in your story. You started abruptly from the dance and ended your story abruptly after Selina and Jiro danced. Remember, your story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. This is more of a fragment of a story, it's not enough to sustain a whole story.

Writing Style: 1/5
I think you can definitely improve your writing style. It's not too bad to start with, just awkward and startling. It gives off the sense of not being complete, but it's something you can work on.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/10
To be honest, I didn't enjoy this story very much. It was confusing and incomplete. It drives me nuts that you would even consider this story as completed.

Bonus marks: 1/5
I totally admire the fact that you would post this up as completed lol.

Total mark: 20.5/100

addtional comments: I hope you don't become too discouraged by your low grade. This is actually my first review in which I haven't needed to pull out my calculator. The biggest problem lies in the fact that this really cannot be considered a story. This may pass as a chapter or as an introduction, but as a story, it's incomplete and horrid. I'm really sorry for being so harsh and I don't mean to make you feel bad. I really really wish that you'll take this as constructive criticism and work harder and improve on your story the next time around. I also hope that you request from M-T again.

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

How to Love

2008-04-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

Title: How to Love
Author: x3addicted
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovelikethis/
Reviewed By: illusions

Title: 5/10
The title is kind of cliche and doesn't really stand out that much from the other winglin titles. I do understand the connection between the title and your plot but I find it a tad corny.

Poster&Background: 6/10
The poster is nice, a bit on the simple side. I do have a problem with the pictures of the cast chosen. You described Raymond in your forewords as "shrewd" and "cold", but in your poster you have a grinning and laughing picture of Raymond. Tavia's picture is perfectly fine because she's emoting the whole girl next door image. Your background isn't really visible, it took me a while to figure out that you actually had a background. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose to portray a rather simple theme.

Foreword: 6/10
A pretty straightforward introduction to the characters. You included some information about the two main characters and the support cast which I like. However I didn't see much about what will be happening in the story. I suppose this story will mostly be about the romance between Raymond and Tavia, making it an entirely romantic story. The forewords doesn't really draw the audience in and it sort of foreshadows a rather typical love story.

Cast Used: 3/5
While the pairing of Tavia and Raymond is hardly a new one, I do think they share a good amount of chemistry. I think the characters are well cast. Raymond is believable as the rich and cold heir while Tavia is perfect for the innocent and pretty girl. I was somewhat surprised that it took three chapters before your support actors made their first appearances. Bosco works as the playboy and Charmaine is convincible as the heiress. I'm kind of intrigued by that pairing, it's pretty original.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
It's really not that creative or original. The romance line has been used plenty of times before and the whole marriage produces a rather predictable ending. The fact that Tavia and Raymond actually signed a contract also reminds me of another fanfiction I read not long ago that used a similar idea. Not to say that you're copying that author's storyline because I don't remember the title of that story, but it's common and overused. And the addition of the other casts as love interests is also predictable.

Story&Plotting: 7/15
Once again, didn't really see anything new in terms of plot in this story. The main word that I have for you is predictable. Try to include a few twists or change something that would make what is a rather typical romance story into something more. You are obviously not done with your story yet, you have plenty of time to create some original situations and rework some details of your plot. Also, I think it would be nice if you included a sub-plot or something that doesn't revolve around romance/love. The entire focus of your story on the romance can become boring after a while.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
No problems here! You showed good mastery of your grammar (besides a few commas and periods) and the vocabulary wasn't too bad either. It was mature and appropriate for the story you had in mind.

Flow Of Story: 6/10
I liked that Tavia and Raymond married pretty quickly and that you didn't waste too much time on their "courtship". After that I expected that your story would progress rather fast but then I sort of reached the chapter about the dinner with friends. And it started to move pretty slowly. I sort of found myself fighting to get through the chapters without skipping the long paragraphs. And I don't think you really need longer chapters, I'm perfectly fine with the length now haha.

Writing Style: 4/5
For your first story, this is pretty good! While I liked that you described your surroundings in detail, I think you might have focused a bit too much on them. A few good descriptions are good enough, I don't really need to know that Raymond is handsome and lean in every chapter (though I do agree that he certainly is ;]). But I do need to say that I can imagine all the actions and the scenes pretty vividly in my mind. Kudos to you for that!
Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
Not really your fault but I suppose this isn't my type of story. There are plenty of readers who obviously enjoy your type of story. I just happen to like more of a storyline in with my romance. Your story had too much romance and too little other action going on for my tastes.

Bonus marks: 3/5
Considering this is your first written story, I think it's pretty good start. And it just happens to be my first ever review so yay for the both of us lol.

Total mark: 60/100

addtional comments:
Like I said, a good start considering this is your first story. I hope that you'll continue improving yourself and perhaps next time around you can try to improve on the plotting and creativity of your story. Don't be put off by the seemingly low grade. This is actually quite a nice story. I just think with a few tweaks, it can be a lot better. Perhaps when you continue your story you can request for another review :] Anyway, wish you the best of luck in completing this story. If you have any questions regarding this review, feel free to email me or contact me via midnight-tree :]

reviewed by illusions @midnight-tree.co.nr

Wishes Made Under Midnight Tree

2008-04-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

Title: Wishes Made Under Midnight Tree
Author: Lovie
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/lovie11/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: -/10
Challenge title, no comments. Only that, well, there’s a grammar error in there.

Poster and Background: 6/10
For a story like yours, I was expecting something less melancholic and something more adventurous. The whole effect that the graphics give is something that is pretty sad and pensive in nature, while the fics storyline is more on the fantasy side. I’m not an artist, so I won’t comment about the pictures used, but the colours could have been more exploratory, simply because your fic is fantasy based.

On top of that, this is probably the first fic that I found the black and coloured font combination boring and plain. It’s the nature of the story, and since graphics are an enhancement, then you really have to make use of them to bring out the character of the storyline.

Foreword: 7/10
Sort of, but not quite. I’m not exactly looking for a paragraph to introduce the whole thing, but more of snippets to introduce your characters and your story. Then again, it’s not wrong to present your story as you did, but the only problem with the whole thing is that it wasn’t exciting enough for me to want to click the NEXT button.

One thing to keep in mind when writing forewords is that you’ve got to know what the tone and pace of the rest of the story will look like, then craft your foreword based on that. It’s very technical, but it’s also very effective. =)

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 3.5/5
Once again, nothing against the cast people, and even kudos to you daring to try out such a new pairing between Hebe and Jaejoong. When you try out such a new pairing, what’s really important is the characterisation, because there’re no guidelines for readers to look to, unlike maybe… Ella and Chun who were a couple in Hana Kimi, or Hebe and Arron, with so many of their fics running about. It’s daring, but it also requires skill for the whole thing to work out.

That said, I think you managed to work things out. The characterisation wasn’t vivid, but at least, if you removed the names, you’d still know who was who. The only thing I can fault on is that it was not enough. You need strong, distinct characteristics to make this whole fic work out, and yours wasn’t quite strong enough. On top of that, we have the average sad, weak, cute Hebe Tian who can’t seem to break out of this characterisation. It doesn’t hurt to try something more, really, and that applies for Hebe as well.

Story and Plotting: 8.5/15
A daring attempt to craft something very different from what we usually see. We’ve had an exhaustive share of our Cinderella or Snow White scene in so many of our fics or idol dramas, and while this one is one of those fics as well, if stands out in the way you decided to take a very fairy tale approach to the whole thing. I like the way you introduced the fantasy element in the story, because it gives incredibility to the tale and allows more room (and reader tolerance!) for sweet, saccharine pairings, scenes and things that they do. Put simply, it means that people are willing to read and tolerate your tendency to write clichéd scenes. I’ve said it, there’s a fine line between clichéd and sweet, and I think you did manage to handle that pretty well.

Number two. Put aside my earlier comments, there were some scenes that really screamed idol-ista. The fact that JaeJoong has to go overseas for study, and for wishing for Mr. Right, and… This is made up of countless clichéd scenes, seamlessly tied up together and sweet, but still a little yawn-worthy. After a while, you’d wish that there were fewer of those, even though some did manage to help the mood of the fic.

Finally, the brilliant ending. I really thought that let your story stand out against the other romantic fics, which have a defined sad or happy ending. I’ve had someone ask me before what sort of fic endings I like, and I said that I preferred those that have no set happy of sad ones, or endings that are poignant in nature. This qualifies as both, not so much poignancy, but enough, I guess, and I really like the way you decided to conclude the whole thing. It’s refreshing.

As a side note, do you happen to read Enid Blyton’s books? I realised Mr. Moonface is in there too. Never mind if you don’t know what I’m talking about. =P

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
No major problems, and good language, as usual. Watch your grammar; it has the tendency to go a bit haywire sometimes. And maybe you might want to consider your choice of vocabulary the next time you attempt a fic of this type and genre. Less is more here.

And keep in mind, the word is ‘discomfort’, not ‘uncomfortable’.

Flow of Story: 6.5/10
Once again, no big problems, only I felt that it flowed a little too fast. One moment Hebe was waking up for a dream, another she was meeting JaeJoong and learning about the Midnight Tree, and then suddenly they fell in love. It’s a short story, yes, but this really occurred so rapidly that I couldn’t quite digest.

It’s a novel concept, so you’ve really got to take some time to allow that concept to sink in. Otherwise, if you have to keep your story short, then make the storyline simpler than it is. Write about the legend in your forewords, then introduce the story as a solely romantic one. Fewer elements to explain means more time to elaborate on emotions, sensations and actions.

Writing Style: 4/5
Good job here, nothing much to comment about, only that some parts get a tinge of monotony from too much narrating.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 9/15
I’m applauding your creativity in choosing a fairytale setting for this piece, because it’s very daring and different. It’s an age-old concept, but when you come down to it, it becomes very different and refreshing in its approach. The title is pretty much a fairy tale kind of title, and you really worked it to your advantage. Good work here.

Marks off for the fact that you couldn’t work original scenes and characters into your work, which is really a pity.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
A pretty decent piece for light reading, and plus its short, so it managed to capture my attention for the full time it was running. I couldn’t enjoy the pace, though, it was far too fast, but otherwise, a pretty good light-reading piece.

Bonus marks: 4/5
Two to responding to readers, one for promoting MT. None for X-factor, though, I found it ordinary.

Total mark: 62.5/90 = 69/100

Additional Comments: Here you go! I’m sorry this took so long, but here it is, finally! =) Keep going!

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

Melancholic Cinderella

2008-04-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

Title: Melancholic Cinderella

Author: by Sushi

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/M_C/

Reviewed by: Lamer_

Title = 9.5/10

Unique yet beautifully name.. It's giving off the right kind of theme which you want to portray out for your story.. However, i felt Cinderella reveal a little much for the story itself..

Poster & Background = 7.5/10

Seriously.. I couldn't bear mark down on this part.. As i love the poster very much.. The theme was right for the story and the colour fonts fit well with the poster.. The poster was pleasing to the eyes.. However.. I fell that the background somehow doesn't really match with the poster.. If your background have some effect of what you had in the poster, i believe it will prefectly match well.. :) No offend, just a penny of my thoughs..

Foreword = 8.5/10

Beautifully Written.. One thing i like about the foreword is the short paragraph written.. That was a really captivating and nice start for your story at the foreword.. You manage to attracted my attention and made me wanted to read on the story with the intersting short paragraph.. I like the way you present it and inserting the small paragraph of Cinderella story into the main and create a fairytale effect for rainie imagination.. Your clearly state out your casting in a neat form.. Giving enough information about the story which will hooks on people to read on, yet, they are just not too much being reveal out for the whole..

Cast = 4/5

I love your casting.. No bias-ness.. I can characterizations in the story for the few cast used in the story.. That was a good job done.. So i mark on your effort for characterizations too.. :)

Originality & Creativity = 12.5 /15

Well.. To be honest.. I really believe your story truthly stand out for it originality and creativity part.. As i read on, I couldn't really link to any kind of story plot out there in winglin which mades me glad about it.. You insert quite a few original and creative idea into the story.. Like, the ending part, it really surprise me how you twist the whole story like that and made it looks like the Jiro is the so call 'bad' guy whom 'rape' Rainie..
Plot = 13/15

I love your plot for this story.. The prince charming part is like a fairytale for everyone and i like how you portray it out for Rainie.. The idea are all neatly elaborate out and well organised.. The realtionship for each and every characters are wisely planned and the sparks among them are well created.. Good job.. :)

Language (Spelling & Grammar) = 9/10

Not bad.. Hardly found any.. Only some small ones.. But overall it’s good.. :)

Flow Of The Story: 7.5/10

The story is smooth.. The pace was just right.. My little complain is the ending 2 chapter.. You rush everything up and made rainie forget about everything, only remember her great times with her prince, and forget about what happen after that.. It was rather, confusing about how she got the idea that it was Jiro whom 'rape' her.. The pace there was a little too rush when you sum everything like that.. Making me feel sad about Jiro being wrong by rainie, yet, I quite pity Rainie in it..

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I like the way you write your story.. Clean and clear.. Easy to follow.. Good job.. :) I'm rather comfortable with it.. :)

Overall enjoyment = 8.5/10

I enjoy every moment reading the story.. The twist at the end really surprise me a lot.. I also like the way you plan and write your story.. Good Job.. :)

Bonus Mark: 3/5
Marks for effort of replying your reader.. And effort for writting the story.. :)

Total: 86.5

Additional Comment:

This is an rather un-expected ending story to me.. I enjoy every moment reading it.. Great job.. Continue the good job on.. :) I just love the ending so much.. :)

Reviewed By Lamer_@Midnight-tree.co.nr

Till the Last Rose Dies

2008-04-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Title: Till the Last Rose Dies
Author: Twilight
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/twilight_rose/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 6/10
First impressions strike foremost, and for this particular title, somehow your first impression was just a single word: cliché. Unfortunately for this piece, it was really the title that got it down. When I received the request, I dismissed this one as another of those terribly written pieces that we see running around so often on winglin. Good thing that it was not, but the point is, your title is nothing much to yell about.

Only positive point that gave the title a passing mark. I believe that Stephie is one of the writers in this fic, and this one has a wonderful feel that she often gives to her fics. It has a vintage, old-school kind of sensation that is carried throughout the fic, and the title enhances that.

Poster and Background: 4/10
I’m really not quite impressed with the poster, because it doesn’t manage to bring about any improvement on the fic as a whole. In fact, the poster seems a bit Goth, and I don’t really think that it really suits the entire mood of the fic. I’m not quite sure what went wrong, and I’m not an artist, so I can’t elaborate on the specifics. What I can say, though, it that you used the wrong shade of red on your rose, or the wrong colour for your background. Red and black spells vampiric Goth.

That said, solid colour backgrounds are really great.

Foreword: 6/10
The forewords are alright, nothing really special, although they’re a bit vague. I think it was alright for this fic, but I didn’t really appreciate the whole vagueness of the whole thing. Yes, understood, that could be the intro to something more, but it didn’t paint any imagery for me, which I think is very important in a foreword.

Keep in mind, this sort of forewords only (and ONLY) work for short, one-shot fics like yours. Anything longer, this foreword would have warranted a fail.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 1/5
I’m not really for a personal preference type of review, but I really have something against the pairing you chose. For such an emotion setting, I’m surprised you couldn’t have chosen a couple without more emotional… History. I’m not a fan nor a subscriber of any of those coupling out there, neither am I an anti-fan of any of them, but you have to keep in mind when you’re casting, who and what history this couple has before you throw them in.

Also, there’s only a wisp of characterisation in this piece, which I was disappointed. I admit to having high expectation when I read that Stephie was part of this, after reading (and reviewing) her wonderful piece. Unfortunately, this one just didn’t manage to impress me.

Story and Plotting: 8.5/15
It was a debate within myself what sort of mark I should give, simply because I wasn’t quite sure where the story stood within me. Negative first, then. The story is simply not original. I don’t know how many times this has been used, and I don’t know how many times I’ve told people (in reviews or otherwise) that this isn’t quite the original stuff that people will be looking for. Or wanting to read. This has to come from somewhere, and I know for sure that it just came, whether consciously or not, from a novel or a show or a film somewhere.

I understand that you’ve decided to write a short story, but as a suggestion, you might try to keep in mind that this fic involves numbers, like the number of roses. You could try naming your chapters after the roses and what they represent, and a longer story would serve to increase your characterisation. This story feels like a dream. Something that promises some potential, but dies off too soon before anything can quite happen.

On a more positive note though, the way the story was written shows that a lot of effort plotting was put in, and that was definitely taken into consideration when the marks were awarded. =)

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
Near perfect spelling and grammar, how wonderful. It’s a joy reading this, because everything flows so well with the command of language. Watch though, there’re a couple of awkward phrases here and there, but not enough to spoil the mood of the fic.

Well done.

Flow of Story: 8/10
This flows like water! Everything fits in seamlessly, complete with the good language, there’s great imagery in this fic.

I have one complaint though. The pace is too fast for comfort. By the time the emotion starts to build up nicely, the fic is nearing its end, leaving the reader a bit hanging by the end.

Writing Style: 5/5
I can’t tell you how much I like the vintage feel this one has. I’m not sure if you guys know what I’m talking about, and I’m definitely not sure whether this feel is done on purpose or not, but it makes this whole fic somewhat different from the conventional romance story.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 10/15
I’ve penalised on this part in the earlier section, so I won’t take any more marks any than absolutely necessary. Like I’ve said before, this is an overused and overfed storyline, so it really isn’t wise to attempt it again, because they’re running all over the place. Since you three are such great writers, you might as well attempt something different and daring, and I’m sure that your writing skills won’t disappoint yourselves or the reader. Not to mention the fact that you really have to be outstanding writers to make this different, and I suppose none of us here on winglin are professional enough to pull it off well.

That aside, I believe that the way you’ve brought about the whole feel is really one and only on winglin. I can’t explain it, but you’ve made your fic an experience, which is really good.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
You score highly for this section simply because I don’t look out on purpose for fics that are different from others, but merely those that are well written. You’ve evoked some emotions inside me, which is admittedly quite difficult, simply because I’ve grown so numb to those horrible fics out there. -___- This one, though, manages to stay true to its tone throughout the whole fic, and it deserves a high mark here.

I’m looking for the special thing that defines your fic, that defines who you are as a writer, and you definitely showed me what you guys are capable of. There’re only so many out there who can make a normal fic special, and well, you guys are almost there. =)

Bonus marks: 5/5
Linking back to MT: Check.
Responding to readers: Check.
X-factor: Check.

Total mark: 64.5/100

Additional Comments: Once again, let me remind you guys that I’m a strict reviewer, and that your fic really isn’t as bad as the mark appears to be. It’s not a bad fic, but the material of choice is just not outstanding enough to stand out against the other great writers out there who’re trying different and bold material.

So, until next time, I’m hoping to hear from you guys soon.

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr

Proud

2008-04-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

Title: Proud

Author: Stars and Fireworks

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/proud/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 1.5/10

At the moment Abby and Michael, even though they love Micky a lot, don’t seem to be ‘proud of his love’ (as quoted on your poster) yet. They seem to be trying to run away from it rather, so I’m not sure how your title fits in with the story. Throughout the eight chapters I’ve read, I didn’t get the notion of any sort of ‘proud’, either from Abby, Michael or Micky. Since your story has yet to be completed, try to intertwine the meaning of ‘proud’ in the text. I’ll give you a point and a half for the relevant subtitles.

Poster & Background: 7/10

The black background seems a bit plain, but it also sort of fits with the poignant narrative. It contrasts with the white font which makes it easier to read. The poster on the other hand, is very bright against the black background. I think the couple on the dock/pier seems sort of unnecessary, since it wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the plot. I like the comparison between Micky and ‘Michael’ though. As for the quote, the one that says ‘We’d both walk along together’. They didn’t actually go through all the hardships in life with each other. Micky left her for his career, leaving Abby to raise her son on her own. Although you might read this differently, that was what I was invited to see it.

Foreword: 9/10

I loved your foreword. It left me hanging and gave me a sense of longing, making me want to know more. I liked how you used such descriptive words expressing how much pain her son’s father had inflicted on her. Maybe it’s because I’m listening to a slow sad song in the background but I can sort of feel for her.
It wasn’t too short or too long. No extra information was given away. The only error was grammatical errors relating to wrong use of words and sentence structures, but apart from that your foreword was excellent.

Cast Used: 3/5

I like the cast; Abby being a strong and confident woman who raised her son well and Micky being a thoughtful man who realized the wrong in his life. What I didn’t like was how Micky isn’t as self-assured as Abby, always having to ask his hyung for advice. I find myself thinking, "Get it together and be a man!" whenever I find him backing out of a decision he made. The way you described Michael was good too. Kids his age always have the ‘what, when, where, why and how’ questions in their mind and you’ve demonstrated that. It’s very realistic.
Just a point I wanted to add. Who is Ricky? In one of the chapters, I think the last one, you mentioned a Ricky? Is it Micky’s brother? I checked the foreword and saw him there, but I still wasn’t too sure.

Originality & Creativity: 11.5/15

I sort of predicted that Micky would run away from his family when they reunite but then return to them. The story is original in a sense of the plot, but as for being creative… Add in some twists and turns throughout the story but make it flow consistently by adding some hints here and there.

Story & Plotting: 14/15

The way you plotted the story was good. Even though you didn’t say it was a flashback, I knew when it started and finished. The way you had two perspectives in the story helped the reader to understand and not be biased. It’s just that, each chapter is pretty short. Write a bit more so we can be satisfied!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/10

There were a couple of bad grammars in this story. Some sentence structures were needed to be edited. I wasn’t sure if this was a typing error since you had it incorrect at some points but correct for the rest of the time.
When someone is talking, you put a comma once they were done. For example:
"You have to practice your english, you know." I finally spoke in Korean.
It should really be:
"You have to practice your English, you know," I finally spoke in Korean. [English is a name so it needs a capital letter].
You have a problem with your tenses. I know that you know you have a problem with it. I’ve read your author’s note. Maybe you should choose a time [past, present or future] that’s easier for you and just follow on with that tense.
You put way too many trails (…) in when you don’t need to. There wasn’t a chapter where you didn’t have a trail. Resist the temptation and just use a comma when you want a pause.
At some point, you had some Korean vocabulary. (Hyung etc). Put an asterisk next to it and explain what it means at the bottom of the page. There might be people who aren’t Korean fanatics that read your story so translate the word for them to understand.

Flow of Story: 10/10

The flow of the story is going well. It started at the beginning with some flashbacks to explain some background information. I liked how you hinted that Micky dated a couple of girls in one of the earlier chapters and used that to create a problem for the story.

Writing Style: 5/5

Your writing style is quite well done. I love the way you described the heart wrenching feeling that Micky felt. It was so poetic and nice.
The story was sad in a way but you somehow added the comedic personality of the group into it as well. Even though you have done that, the comedy didn’t over take the melancholic feeling the reader feels.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I thoroughly enjoyed this fiction. It was a simple yet dramatic entry. And just to have the fan girl inside me be released, a point was taken off for not having enough Yun Ho =p

Bonus marks: 4/5

A point for admitting your grammatical errors, another for answering the comments and two for the disclaimer at the beginning.

Total mark: 80/100

Additional comments: The mark might have been higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr

Cupid Hates Me! !@#$%

2008-04-18T09:40:00.002-07:00

Title: Cupid Hates Me! !@#$%
Author: ZeNd
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/lucifera3/
Reviewed By: Sheepoling

Title: 5.5/10
It was a very common idea expressed, having Cupid and hating, not refreshing and eye-catching in any way. I didn’t like the random signs behind supposing indicating profanity spouting? But there is relevance; I can see how your whole story is revolved round how you are trying to prove that Cupid hates TaeYeon.

Poster & Background: 1/10
There was no poster given so I shall only comment on your background and font colour. I thought that the font colors used were not very in line with the more fun-loving theme you are portraying in the story. The black color with red font is very tiring to read. You might want to choose a more comfortable color scheme next time. I shall give you one mark for at least changing the colors of the page.

Foreword: 6.5/10
It is good to see that a certain level of interest is generated when you did a love life history of the TaeYeon and it is pretty useful in showing the whole idea of your story. You also put down the cast but either than the fact that TaeYeon is the main lead, I don’t really see the use of the other information because it was too skimpy.

Cast Used: 1.5/5
I really have no idea how fresh is this pairing since I don’t really read stories with Korean casts but judging by how you lumped groups and groups of people in, I don’t think it is very special and it tends to confuse. And there was almost no characterization except for TaeYang and how you generally went through all the girls. Characterization is important in helping the readers tell the characters apart even if they don’t know the characters. And sadly, you happen to have many characters and no characterization, the worse combination ever.

Originality & Creativity: 2/15
There is always a reason for any mark. This whole story is a clichéd from top to bottom. A girl miserable in love, a man she didn’t see, the happy we are together finally idea is just going too out of fashion. The progression of the story is normal, fine, unexciting, expected and hence, don’t expect any marks in that area. The ending is just way too passé. WEDDINGS! What ever made you think marrying is such an easy business and you could just marry off the characters so easily? The presentation was nothing out of the norm, no creativity involved, just writing. On the whole, it was just regurgitation of clichéd over-circulated ideas.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
This kind of story doesn’t really have any areas for you to research on and work on. It is all based on your imagination (or the general public’s opinion) of what celebrity life is. I don’t think you made special effort to understand the characters of these people you used to make any strong statement. Kudos for adding in random speckles of current news though but sadly, that isn’t enough. You are very meticulous with details, just that these weren’t relevant and necessary ones.

Good job however, with your direction of the story. I could see that it is moving in one uniformed direction and doesn’t make weird turns. The events occurring are considered pretty logical in this context, but I just didn’t like how managers SLAP their artiste.

Spelling /Grammar /Vocabulary: 3/10
According to www.dictionary.com, cynical means showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty or morality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit the scruples of others; bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic. And from what I see of TaeYeon’s behavior to TaeYang, it was nothing close to that definition. There were misusage of vocabulary, invention of non-existent vocabulary and the worse thing is that you could get a brand name wrong. (Chanel, not Channel) I’m still fine with the spelling but PLEASE don’t go around adding extra ‘d’s or ‘t’s to words like ‘lots’ or ‘loads’. It doesn’t show anything but how immature you are as a writer.

That is not the worst problem.

The grammar is atrocious. Wrong forms, wrong tenses and many more other problems can be spotted. In fact, there is no need to spot; it is blatantly staring into my face. I’m certain it is not a typo or accident for it is impossible then, for you to have consistent mistakes throughout the whole story. Grammar is very important in a story and it really affects the quality of a story. Please try to brush it up.

Flow of Story: 8/10
The pace of the story was generally fine; you know when to go slow and when to speed up. I just thought there should be more clarity in you transition from one scene to another. Especially with your all so confusing cast, I think it is more important to demarcate. But it is okay on the whole.

Writing Style: 2.5/5
I commend you for writing all your dialogue in a proper narrative format. However, I think you are not using the narrative format to your best. The story still seems very skimpy and brief in terms of descriptive. It looks good but when you read the content, there seems to be quite a big contrast. Not exactly what I will like.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10
I suppose this is quite engaging with a little bit of jokes here and there and some comical interactions but I don’t really fall for this. This story doesn’t really have any impact on me; it is not funny enough, nor touching enough. It is just a piece of writing, words with no emotions. You can grasp the interest of most readers seeing how the pacing of your story makes the whole story quite tightly knitted.

Bonus marks: 2/5
Not much interaction there; I don’t see anything much posted with the chapter and you don’t really reply to your readers. The overall outlook of the story is neat but not very comfortable for the readers to read.

Total mark: 44/100

Additional comments: You would have done better if you have chosen a less common idea to write on and reduce your cast. Getting a poster helps too.

Reviewed by Sheepoling @midnight-tree.co.nr-

It’s Not as Cool as it Seems

2008-04-18T06:19:00.000-07:00

Title: It’s Not as Cool as it Seems

Author: Asian_Innocence

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Innocence/

Reviewed By: Sushi

Title: 3/10
At the moment, Cho Min doesn’t seem to be distressing the fact that she hates living with DBSK. I think she actually enjoys living there and doesn’t mind being their maid. Therefore, I’m not sure how your title applies to the story. It might turn out differently at the end so I’ll give you some points for the title.

Poster & Background: 5/10
Although the stars on the background are appropriate and link to the story, I don’t like it. It’s too flashy and distracts me from the story plus, it sort of has a ‘little girl who is into unicorns’ sort of feel to it. The poster is good, but not great. Although I like the picture you have chosen for the female character, I feel that the shabby background had pulled the quality of the poster down with it. It gives an impression of the story to be cheap and pathetic, which it isn’t.

Foreword: 7/10
When you said love, I actually though real pure love not just some crazy fan girl crush. And you should state in your foreword that Cho Min was trying to see her favourite band while on vacation. Nearly throughout the first chapter, I thought she was just trying to visit her cousin, Yun Ho. Be clearer in your foreword to avoid misunderstandings.

The key notes you have provided was totally unnecessary, maybe except for the rated parts bit. The reader will understand when a character will be talking or thinking without your reminder.

Cast Used: 2.5/5
Well, I can’t say that the cast you used were totally inapplicable to the story since it’s actually based on the lives of DBSK and the Yun Ho’s cousin, which is fictional, I presume? I have never heard of her name before so forgive me if she is an actual person. However, the personalities of DBSK aren’t really distinctive. Jae Jeong and Yun Ho, you can tell them apart from the rest of the guys but the remainders? To be frank, if you were to name them all the same name, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they have split personalities if you know what I mean. They seem to all be trying to pull off an innocent and cute act. I have never really been interested in DBSK and this is the first fan fiction or anything really, that I read about them. For it to be easier for a newcomer, you should create a variety of personalities. Apart from that, everything is fine.

Originality & Creativity: 10.5/15
Your story is quite creative. Having the Cho Min visit her cousin for the holidays but only to have her possessions stolen and was forced to live with them for a while. But I thought about her having to become a maid… Even though that’s the point of the story, I though you could do better than that. A lot of dramas I’ve seen had the main couples forced to become maids or housekeeper (Why Why Love and Witch Yoo Hee to name a few). Since I’m only judging from chapters one to five, I can’t really tell what’s going to happen.

Story & Plotting: 10/15
Okay, your chapters are WAY too long. You have no idea what I went through just trying to finish one chapter! I mean twenty pages on word? No wonder it took me at least three attempts to finish each chapter. You don’t have to squash everything in one chapter. There is no limit on how long your story has to be. Spread it out; make it simpler for the reader. I’m not telling you to chop your story, just write it and keep it neat. I deducted three points for the everlasting chapters that drowned me. The other two are for writing in Korean vocabulary. Like I said, not all DBSK fans might read your story. When I write my own fictions, I find readers who had no idea who my celebrities are. What I’m trying to say is, readers who are unfamiliar to Korean language will have no idea what you’re on about. Put the English translation in brackets beside the Korean word or like you did with the others, but a * next to ALL of the Korean words, like Oppa; Aniyo etc. Just once would be sufficient.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
The spelling was well done; I could barely find anything wrong with it.
The grammar however had a couple of errors. “When someone is talking like so, you put a comma after the spoken sentence,” Sushi said. “Not a full stop. A full stop is only applied when you don’t actually say ‘he said’ or ‘she exclaimed’ after it.”

For example: “I’m not an American citizen.” She said, taking a sip of her warm milk. The full stop has to be a comma whilst ‘She’ is not capitalized. Take note of that because it is repeated many times in your story.

There are also some issues with your sentence structures. Firstly, there are so many pointless commas! It’s like you just abused that key on your keyboard. A comma is when someone would pause for effect or take a short breathe. You had commas in nearly every sentence for every couple of words. Proof read your story (and you will see how dreadfully lengthy it is) and read it in character. For example, pause at every full stop and comma and think if the expression you chosen is correct.

For example: Jumping out of bed, she quickly walked to the front, put her shoes on, and left the apartment. Okay, for that sentence you can easily get rid of those excess commas and form it into: After jumping out of bed, Cho Min walked excitedly to the front of the apartment and slid into her shoes after closing the door behind her. This is just an example of how your sentence can still make sense without those commas!

When someone is thinking you don’t need to put ‘’ as thinking marks because there is no such thing. Once you have written the sentence of that person’s though, finish off with a comma and ‘thought Sushi’ or ‘Sushi thought’. Simple, right?

For example: ‘I wonder how YunHee-ah is doing. I wanna see her again.’ ChoMin thought… Okay, so like I said, you don’t have to add in the inverted apostrophes. Just a simple , Cho Min thought would be sufficient for the reader to understand that it is classified as a ‘thought’. I wonder how Yun Hee is doing? I really want to see her again, Cho Min thought. I just realised the word ‘wanna’. Don’t be lazy here!

As for vocabulary problems, I feel that there are some words that don’t suit that current situation. I do remember how you used ‘OMG’ etc instead of the real words. Don’t abbreviate. There’s nothing more to it. Unless it’s an acronym write the phrase word for word. Reread your story and you’ll understand. I don’t think you edited each chapter, right?

Flow of Story: 10/10
The flow of the story so far is good. Nothing seemed out of place or forced upon. Everything fits together nicely. Props on the good work.

Writing Style: 3/5
Apart from what I mentioned before about the tediously lengthy chapters, everything seems good, from what I see. Overall that is. I didn’t like how as each chapter continues, it transformed from being particularly descriptive into a story that is more into dialogue. Try and stick to the same format throughout.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
I liked this story. It was interesting and exciting at points. And if my predictions are correct, I think I know who will end up with who but I won’t throw points off that since you might just blow me away be making Cho Min end up with nobody! Keep up the good work and write shorter chapters!

Bonus marks: 3/5
Okay, I have to deduct points for the long chapters. I’m still not over that yet! But I’ll give you a point for being considerate to the readers and translating some of the words they might not understand, one for disclaiming DBSK and another for acknowledging that you need to improve and are trying hard to. Good for you!

Total mark: 66/100 additional comments: The mark might be higher if you had finished the story. If you have any queries about this review, just tag me.

Reviewed by Sushi@midnight-tree.co.nr-

Sincerely, Ayumi

2008-04-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

Title: Sincerely, Ayumi
Author: babyxjay
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/babyxjay5/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10
There’s something pretty about the title. I think it stands out in a list of many other fics on the Winglin mainpage and I liked how it corresponded immediately with your forewords. Nice.

Poster & Background : 2.5/5
No background, so it’s upon 5.

Poster was not downright ugly but more could be done with it. It lacks an overall feel, some of the colours did not appeal and some of the blendings were not exactly well done either.

Forewords: 7/10
I liked how you begun the forewords and the fact that you have dialogues in the middle of introducing your characters. But using dialogues instead of blocks of words to introduce your story was pretty fresh as well.

But I had a few grievances. Firstly, I did not see much of a character description and second, you divulged too much and it wasn’t a nice divergence. What did I mean? You basically told the reader your whole story before they even started and it was pretty interest killing on my side. On the other hand, third party and a heart transplant seemed to spell an overused plot to me. I hoped that you would prove me wrong.

Cast Used: 3/5
Pretty well done up till now. But I should still keep the 4 to myself because your story had barely started so it had the potential to get better or worse. Also, I felt that more nitty gritty details could included. Otherwise, I had a pretty good picture of YunHo and JaeJoong’s family and a shadow of who they were. I hoped you could do slightly more though but it was already better than half the world out there.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
Like I said, the forewords put me off in terms of originality and creativity and Chapter 1 (Prologue) served to confirm my suspicions. So we had a pair of good friends who fell in love with the same girl and then the tug of war begun. Then, possibly the girl fell ill and needed a heart transplant and died. Something like that.

And up till now, the story had been extremely typical with a new transfer student and two guys who had troubled families

The only thing that I felt was creative was the Prologue which actually put , I guessed, the final scene in front but otherwise there was nothing creative about the story.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
I liked how the prologue brought me to the centre of the action but like the forewords, I felt that it told us too much and it killed the suspense.

It was pretty hard for me to comment on your plot in general because it had not been developed per se. But the way you did your forewords and prologue showed planning and I felt that you should be credited for it. The plot till now was not as boring as you felt, but the most interesting either. There wasn’t enough to hold my interest or take my breath away.

But I could not comment much or give you a fair mark because you story was still at its infant stage. Maybe if you sent in in when the story was more developed or had completed, I would be able to give a more justified mark.

For now, average.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Generally understandable but nothing spectacular. There was enough to show that you could write in English but nothing to show that your had the language at your disposal. There a bit of minor punctuation errors which were perhaps typos. Tenses were not exactly consistent, a story should be told in past tense. Otherwise everything was in place but not impressive.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
I understand the story pretty well. There wasn’t much of a confusion and some of the points were being brought across in a nice way. However, the story did feel slightly chopped up and it did not have the smoothness I would have desired.

For it to be better perhaps you could work on your scene changes. Could there be a way to change scenes with words instead of the lines that separate the chapter?

Writing Style: 3/5
ONE LINERS! *screams in agony*

They really would discredit you as an author and this was one the main reasons why your story felt generally hollow and not descriptive enough.
On the other hand, I had to applaud you for beautifully bringing some ideas across. Like :

“After a few minutes, JaeJoong spoke again, "How badly did he-"
"He didn't. He was passed out in the bathroom covered in his own puke and pee." I said sharply, cutting him off.”

I loved how you showed that the father was an alcoholic instead of telling it in the face of the reader. You managed to bring across some of the emotions pretty well.

Too bad it was not consistent for the whole story. And your one liners really killed a lot of the potential peaks in emotions.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I felt like I was just reading words. The one liners were totally agonizing. There wasn’t enough to keep on my seat minus a few moments which seemed to give me an impression you only hit it by chance instead of woven intentionally into the story. So, it was okay. And nothing more.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For some nice moments and the few moments that you did catch me emotionally. I had a laugh when Yunho told the teacher straight in the face that he was boring and how Ayumi told him off sleeping in class.

Total mark: 55.5/95 (58/100)

Additional comments:
Like I said in plot, there wasn’t really enough for a just comment. Please cut down those one liners, they irritated me. Try to give the story a few more twists to score on plot and creativity if not it would be just as bland as any other fic out there.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)

我的野蛮恶少

2008-04-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

Title: 我的野蛮恶少
Author:Lamer_
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Lamer_002/
Reviewed by: 0088~

Title : -
因为是viva-teamo challenge给的指定标题所以为了公平起见，无法给予任何分数。
不过，说实在的，除了军翔是那位看似‘野蛮’的‘恶少’之外，我实在不理解故事与标题有多大的关联。有点离题的嫌疑。

Poster&Background: -
因为是viva-teamo challenge给的指定海报所以为了公平起见，无法给予任何分数。

Foreword: 6/10
还不赖。你的前转简单说明了丞琳悲惨的身世。
不过，我稍嫌你的介绍：
『那眼神、那眼神、那眼神。。』
这句话的重复量太高了。多到有点‘特意表现’的嫌疑。
我相信你自己应该非常清楚自己的在词语方面的局限。你可能认为重复此句子就能加重你想要表现的情感与加强扩张力。但，我认为你却弄巧成拙了。原因？

统计一下：
可怜的眼神─４次，悲惨─３次，悲伤─２次

明白吗？你的介绍来来去去就那么几句了。难道就没用别的形容词吗？这短短的几行字就轻而易举的曝露出你的弱点。
前转反而就变得是为了加长字数而写出来得。
语言能力如果稍弱，就该把重点转移到人物介绍中而非过于重复于某个句子。你的介绍是个很好的尝试，却一点也不讨好。

Cast Used: 2/5
虽然挺喜欢你故事的主角们，但我觉得你在人物个性塑造方面有待加强。
丞琳可怜吗？看完你的前转后，我对丞琳的‘悲惨的经历’感到很好奇。结果你轻描谈写她的出生过程后就把这‘可怜’人安顿在军翔家过着公主般的生活了。

而且我倒觉得你并没有好好发挥标题所在，到底谁是野蛮啊？
像在第十三篇，我不解军翔为何会那么害怕miss Lamer_ 老师。他不是野蛮霸道吗？当老师叫他去搬东西时，以他的少爷生分，他怎可能答应呢？而且这原本是霸道的军翔一转眼就变成绅士帮他人开车门？这位恶少未免也谦虚了。

剩下五剑客和五侠女个各都像是被刻印出来的人物。

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
创意方面我真的不知如何给予评论。
故事开头原本是讲述军翔和丞琳之间的暧昧情感。但我渐渐发现你把重心点都转到自己的身上了。故事已经变成了Ms Lamer_的红娘计划了，撮合所有的恋人。这还是我看过的头一招。虽然是离题了，但无里头的情节却博得我一笑了。算成功吧？
值得一提的重点，第三十三篇─告白：
我看了简直是一头雾水。真的半点原创性都没有。五对恋人竟然都在同一时间，地点告白，更离谱的是他们的结构竟然是一模一样！
男方为女方戴上眼罩把她们带到了公园，男方说了一坨话，就对天发誓。女方就立刻阻止，答应当他们的女朋友就是了。男方送上礼物，然后他们就接吻了。

那一段就像我玩的ＲＰＧ游戏模式，储存了又重玩，一直重复。五次的情节都完全一模一样。你的原创性等于零。

Story&Plotting:5/15
老实说，我不太喜欢你从一开始，第五篇，就是丞琳和军翔都是互相喜欢的关系了。相对于这一点，故事的发展性就大大缩减了。其实当你在第七篇列出五剑客和五侠女，配对就显得非常明显了。你的构想太普通了。
是否下次写故事时先想个情节呢？情节应该有个高点起伏。我却你的故事寻找不到这一点。
整个故事就是对话、对话、和更多的对话。
小说和电视剧就是有差的。电视剧看就足够明白了。
但在小说内，你必须用你的文采把情节变得有画面感才行，让读者能幻想小说存在的意境。建议你真的去多阅读小说，学会如何拿捏小说情节里的重点。
这里唯一加分点就是你有个圆满的结局。

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:6/10
打从你的前转开始，我就已经指出你的的问题就在此了。
老实说，你的语言能力还算在中等水平。但你真的就只有那几句形容词能用于罢了，始终跳不出来来去去那几句。（我说明了嘛‘苹果’和‘番茄’ＸＤ）而且，有几句形容词也挺怪的。
比喻：
『军翔自己在学校的外号是天才儿童，少女杀手。。』
‘天才少年’会比较适合吧？毕竟他们都成年了。

标点符号也是个蛮严重的问题之一。你的开引号和关引号都错了。而且，每个句子结束后请放上点号。错别字也是特别多。几乎每篇都有错别字。尤其是注音方面得格外小心，请你在写完后好好地检查一遍。

对白的结构─我真的被它打败了。
我无话可说。你给他们的对白就像是两只小纸人在对话一样，

『丞。。丞。。丞。。琳。。琳。。送。。送。。送。。给。。给。。给。。你。。’
‘是。。是。。是。。是。。的。。希。。希。。希。。望。。望。。你。。会。。喜欢。。’
‘啊。。不。。不。。可。。可。。可。。可。。气。。’』

这是对白，请你念出你的对白好不好？

Flow Of Story: 6/10
故事情节的发展还蛮流畅，就是从这个对话场景接到下个对话场景罢了。虽然有点纳闷，但起码一点都不会混乱。至少我能理解整个故事的进展。如果能省略一些不必要的对白和角色，故事会更好。

Writing Style: 3/5
你表面上看似是以记叙文的方式写下这个故事的。但，你缺乏生动感的写法和剧本对话的写法有何差别呢？而且我已经清楚表明你的对白的结构已经让我烦闷到不行了。就是一坨台词加上几个‘说’而已。不过你把他们的想法（ＰＯＶ）加入进入是个较好的尝试。
建议：你写个故事可以加以形容场景、感想、举动、等等。效果会更加好。

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
基本上，可能因为长度的关系，我真的读得有点纳闷。
虽然我读完了整个故事，我却没能对任何一个情节有任何深刻的影象。

我对小细节很敏感，像在第二十篇，你写自己退房的价钱是1000台币　（ＳＧＤ＄５０）。常识跟我说这么一点小数目根本就刷不到卡嘛！
幸好这是个轻松的爱情故事。让我偶尔会对故事里的情节（不管是好是坏）笑了笑。

Bonus marks: 5/5
回应读者－２分
完整作品－２分
credit─１分

Total mark: 44/80 = (55/100)

Additional comments:
其实我看得出你的用心，尤其是在每一篇的开头。我很喜欢你所写的东西。有点触动人心，但我却无法与你在下面所写得作出任何关联。换句话说，你写出来的东西根本无法带出来你要表达的情感。

我倒觉得你可以发挥故事的标题。你的开头很不错，丞琳的‘悲惨的经历’和军翔那位‘野蛮恶少’但随着故事还不到３篇，丞琳就被收留了，而军翔的野蛮行为也到此为止了。从这里开始，你的故事情节就不存在了。

建议你去参考一些扣人心弦的小说故事，祝福你下次能写出更有深度的作品来。

Paper Cranes [MT Challenge]

2008-04-14T01:04:00.001-07:00

Title: Paper Cranes [MT Challenge]
Author: WZ
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/WZ7/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title
I can’t comment on a challenge fic title, can I?

Poster & Background : 4/5
No background, so it’s upon 5.

I liked the poster, the colours were well picked and the blend with seamless. Well, my own grievance would be that maybe more could still be done?

Forewords
Technically you didn’t have any forewords. And I decided against penalizing you for it.

Cast Used: 2/5
I felt your characterization lacking in this fic. More could have been said about how she felt or how he felt. Who he was and who she was. I was okay with you not naming your characters, but I felt no connection to your characters whatsoever.

Originality & Creativity: 6/15
Okay, faking a lie to leave a girl wasn’t the most creative of ideas. In fact I just did a review of a story like that last night. Neither was a third party intrusion. The only part that I would count as creative in your whole story would be that you decided to leave it as a sad ending. Ie: The girl and the guy did not end up together. But it wasn’t enough to warrant you a pass though.

Story & Plotting: 6/15
I enjoyed the ending due to my, sadist love of unhappy endings. But more than that, I enjoyed how the fic left me hanging of sorts. I liked how you left it in two lines instead of having to tell the readers word for word what had happened. And I liked how two lines managed to tie the whole story together. Kudos!

But apart from that, I had problems with your story. You didn’t do enough to brew the story (which would actually cut down the impact of your ending, but that’s beside the point) and it just felt lacking. I wanted to know more about her and him. Paint me the place, paint me the colours so that I would be feel absorbed with the story. The lack of descriptions also meant that it failed to elicit an emotion for me. You were supposed to make me feel something.

Very underdeveloped plot and thus very disappointing.

And and as creativity, I couldn’t pass you as your underdeveloped plot overwrote the impressive ending.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10
I liked your sentences. It just felt good reading a fic with a proper flow after all the junk that I had read. Vocabulary was pretty precise and showed some depth. Perhaps you could work on word play and other more advanced usage of the language to improve. Otherwise, nice =)

Flow Of Story: 4/10.
I could understand how the story went. But the main problem was that the story didn’t feel smooth enough. I felt that for a more emotional piece like yours, I needed to hear the melody of the story which I couldn’t. The story seemed to move a little too fast, you could have slowed down, ie: Put in more descriptions to freeze some scenes.

Writing Style: 2/5
ONE LINERS! I felt that this was a manifestation of your underdeveloped plot. It lacked impact and did not show the story well as a whole. And maybe due to that, it lacked voice. The 2 came because I did like some of your beautiful sentences.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I enjoyed the ending (Ie the final two lines).But I felt the build up was quite bad which I would personally attribute it to the length of the fic. I liked where you were coming from but it lacked development. I felt that you could have went in depth in either exploring more emotions, ie a more descriptive piece and work on both of their innerthoughts and fine actions or you could add recollections to the piece to make it more whole.

A pity actually, it had a huge potential.

Bonus marks: 3/5
For the attempt. For the nice ending that did make me sigh. For the courage to write such a short fic =)

Total mark: 40/75 (53/100)

Additional comments:
Nice ideas. I enjoyed how you left me longing. But perhaps the main problem was the genre that this fic fell in. When you write an emotional piece like that, more emotions must be injected. I mean if this was a thriller, then perhaps this might be more acceptable. Always remember, your readers must feel something from it. They must be drawn. Let them cry if they may, because if they did, you had succeeded.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess_ @midnight-tree.co.nr)