Loving You….

Title: Loving You….
Author: maira
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/maira/
Reviewed By: Keleos

First Impressions
Title: 6/10
I genuinely wish that you didn’t come about with the word “love” in your title, because it spoils the surprise that is supposed to come about along with it. Even if you had to use the title, then the ellipses at the back are really unnecessary. I associate those with either (a) thought processes, which doesn’t apply in your title (I mean, you won’t need to think if you love someone, right?), or (b) insecurity, which you won’t want to show in your title! Overall though, it’s pretty effectual.

And as a sidenote, marks were given for the fact that you actually bothered to capitalise both letters.

Poster and Background: 6/10
I wasn’t terribly impressed with the art of this fic. I’m sorry to say (and I know that I’m talking to SarangHae, who makes brilliant posters, by the way) that the poster looks a bit cluttered. I’m not really sure what you’re planning on conveying by the means of this poster, but I keep having the nagging thought at the back of my brain that tells me this is a tad overdone. I’m no artist, but as a reviewer, one central picture (since you only have one central plot idea), is really more than sufficient. Nice burst of colour, though, love it.

Background wise, I would have liked some colour, but seeing your poster… I think it would have had been better if you injected an off white or something still, because white grates on the eye.

Foreword: 7/10
Well done on the foreword. I like how you managed to write it as a real foreword, a real entry into the story. Rarely do I see that, and you managed it, so good job.

BUT. There’s a major problem with your foreword that becomes a major problem for me with I read the fic: the lack of a proper introduction of your cast. I don’t need listing to tell me how old they are and what they’re like, but I need at least a cast list. I promise you, this became a major issue for me throughout the fic, because most of the time, I was trying to figure out who was who.

Upon closer examination…
Cast Used: 0/5
I’m afraid I’d have to fail you miserably for this because I have no idea who your casts are. By the time chapter one was over, I was thoroughly, entirely confused, and I have no idea who was who and what was what.

The main concern of the fic should be the storyline. If the main concern here is… Who’s who? Then there’s something seriously wrong with the fic.

Story and Plotting: 9/15
The marks aren’t really off for the story, because I think the story is alright. It isn’t fresh, or new, but that’s for the Creativity section to discuss. I think story wise, the storyline is clear, and you know what you’re talking about, so… I won’t fault on that. And as an added mention, I really like how you managed to keep the tone of the story very, very earnest. Really.

Marks are off for plotting. You knew what you were talking about, but I think only you knew. I was fretting over how to write this review, because it started promisingly with a great foreword, then melted down into a strange Chapter 1. Honestly, Chapter 1 was really a big problem. The fact that you didn’t introduce your cast gave me a major hurdle to cross simply because I had no idea what you were talking about in Chapter 1. REALLY no idea. In fact, I skipped most of Chapter 1 and hopped on to 2, hoping in’ll improve.

Thank God it did.

Language: Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Language is really not a problem here, save for some grammar here and there. The main issue with me here was actually the punctuation. I believe some of them were slip ups, but there were a few: “ Yes Mr Yan, do you need something?,” That’s a prime example of a common mistake throughout the fic. Run it through Word next time, and maybe you’d be able to correct it. :) Watch the tenses too. Decide on whether you want a past or present tense, then work at it through the rest of your fic. There’re alternating changes of tenses, and it throws the reader off a bit.

Flow of Story: 6/10
In general, I think it was alright. Flow worked well when you were narrating, but I felt that at certain points, it was a little awkward. Take the example of the Danson bet. It occurred so quickly that I wasn’t even sure whether that was necessary. Coupled with the fact that I don’t even know who Danson is (not really, at least. He looked like he just popped out of nowhere.), I think it dissolved into a sort of mess after a while. Flow was a little inconsistent. You weren’t quite sure when to make things faster or slower, and when to put in what, resulting in a lot of content, but very little elaboration.

Writing Style: 5/5
Full marks for writing style because you managed to provide a consistent style that stayed throughout the piece. Not to mention the fact that you gave the whole fic a very high school feel; a very American high school feel, and with the poster, it provided a very Autumn effect, for some reason.

I think you found your voice on the style, and I was wishing you continued along that voice for the rest of the sections.

Overall feel…
Originality & Creativity: 6/15
Apologies, sincerely, because I need to fail you in this section. The plot is clichéd. First, Danson’s bet was really something that’s a little too overused. Next, the fact that well, Elida began to fall for Arron, and vice versa is really something that’s terribly done to death! You used an original character, so you could have worked that to your advantage and put Elida forth as a real person, instead of a idol drama lookalike. But you didn’t work that advantage, and as time went by (I know, there’s only 5 chapters), Elida became something really bland and really boring.

As for the rest of the friends Elida has (I can’t organise my brain to remember their names, showing how terrible the characterisation was), I was hoping you’d work them to have personalities, instead of just extras. The way you’ve written them makes me wonder why so many were necessary, and whether they are meant to be just wall paper.

Overall Enjoyment: 6/10
There’s nothing really terribly special about the fic, and it makes at best, casual reading. I enjoyed this simply because I found it very endearing, very… Sincere and earnest, just the way fics are supposed to be. It was an honest effort, even if the writing did not really rock, the whole feel of the story made it stand out amongst the fics that write for the sake of writing.

Good work.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For replying your readers.

Total mark: 60/100

Additional Comments: Well, congrats on the result. Don’t feel disheartened, just know that even though the result isn’t stunning (it’s average, by my standards), it’s really something that you’ve earned with every word you’ve written. It’s really a good change from the silly fics you see out there sometimes, and if you’ve used your heart to write something, don’t worry, the reviewer can feel it too. :)

Reviewed by Keleos@midnight-tree.co.nr