Sincerely, Ayumi

Title: Sincerely, Ayumi
Author: babyxjay
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/babyxjay5/

Reviewed By: Lone Ranger

Title: 9/10
There’s something pretty about the title. I think it stands out in a list of many other fics on the Winglin mainpage and I liked how it corresponded immediately with your forewords. Nice.

Poster & Background : 2.5/5
No background, so it’s upon 5.

Poster was not downright ugly but more could be done with it. It lacks an overall feel, some of the colours did not appeal and some of the blendings were not exactly well done either.

Forewords: 7/10
I liked how you begun the forewords and the fact that you have dialogues in the middle of introducing your characters. But using dialogues instead of blocks of words to introduce your story was pretty fresh as well.

But I had a few grievances. Firstly, I did not see much of a character description and second, you divulged too much and it wasn’t a nice divergence. What did I mean? You basically told the reader your whole story before they even started and it was pretty interest killing on my side. On the other hand, third party and a heart transplant seemed to spell an overused plot to me. I hoped that you would prove me wrong.

Cast Used: 3/5
Pretty well done up till now. But I should still keep the 4 to myself because your story had barely started so it had the potential to get better or worse. Also, I felt that more nitty gritty details could included. Otherwise, I had a pretty good picture of YunHo and JaeJoong’s family and a shadow of who they were. I hoped you could do slightly more though but it was already better than half the world out there.

Originality & Creativity: 5/15
Like I said, the forewords put me off in terms of originality and creativity and Chapter 1 (Prologue) served to confirm my suspicions. So we had a pair of good friends who fell in love with the same girl and then the tug of war begun. Then, possibly the girl fell ill and needed a heart transplant and died. Something like that.

And up till now, the story had been extremely typical with a new transfer student and two guys who had troubled families

The only thing that I felt was creative was the Prologue which actually put , I guessed, the final scene in front but otherwise there was nothing creative about the story.

Story & Plotting: 8/15
I liked how the prologue brought me to the centre of the action but like the forewords, I felt that it told us too much and it killed the suspense.

It was pretty hard for me to comment on your plot in general because it had not been developed per se. But the way you did your forewords and prologue showed planning and I felt that you should be credited for it. The plot till now was not as boring as you felt, but the most interesting either. There wasn’t enough to hold my interest or take my breath away.

But I could not comment much or give you a fair mark because you story was still at its infant stage. Maybe if you sent in in when the story was more developed or had completed, I would be able to give a more justified mark.

For now, average.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Generally understandable but nothing spectacular. There was enough to show that you could write in English but nothing to show that your had the language at your disposal. There a bit of minor punctuation errors which were perhaps typos. Tenses were not exactly consistent, a story should be told in past tense. Otherwise everything was in place but not impressive.

Flow Of Story: 5/10
I understand the story pretty well. There wasn’t much of a confusion and some of the points were being brought across in a nice way. However, the story did feel slightly chopped up and it did not have the smoothness I would have desired.

For it to be better perhaps you could work on your scene changes. Could there be a way to change scenes with words instead of the lines that separate the chapter?

Writing Style: 3/5
ONE LINERS! *screams in agony*

They really would discredit you as an author and this was one the main reasons why your story felt generally hollow and not descriptive enough.
On the other hand, I had to applaud you for beautifully bringing some ideas across. Like :

“After a few minutes, JaeJoong spoke again, "How badly did he-"
"He didn't. He was passed out in the bathroom covered in his own puke and pee." I said sharply, cutting him off.”

I loved how you showed that the father was an alcoholic instead of telling it in the face of the reader. You managed to bring across some of the emotions pretty well.

Too bad it was not consistent for the whole story. And your one liners really killed a lot of the potential peaks in emotions.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I felt like I was just reading words. The one liners were totally agonizing. There wasn’t enough to keep on my seat minus a few moments which seemed to give me an impression you only hit it by chance instead of woven intentionally into the story. So, it was okay. And nothing more.

Bonus marks: 2/5
For some nice moments and the few moments that you did catch me emotionally. I had a laugh when Yunho told the teacher straight in the face that he was boring and how Ayumi told him off sleeping in class.

Total mark: 55.5/95 (58/100)

Additional comments:
Like I said in plot, there wasn’t really enough for a just comment. Please cut down those one liners, they irritated me. Try to give the story a few more twists to score on plot and creativity if not it would be just as bland as any other fic out there.

Reviewed by Lone Ranger (aka Jess @midnight-tree.co.nr)